<p>My thirteen-year old daughter "hates" her current school and, after being accepted to a private school, agreed to go there. I put down a sizable (four figure) deposit. She is now balking at making the change. She is concerned that the new school is too small and that she will have trouble making friends there. Also, now that the school year is ending, she is waxing sentimental and forgetting how unhappy she has been. She has problems with executive functioning and working memory and I feel she would really benefit from a couple of years in a smaller classroom setting to develop her reading comprehension and writing skills. She could then return to the public school for ninth grade. How strongly should I push the move to the private school?</p>
<p>if it’s a small school it will be easier for her to make friends, imho. Everyone tends to know everyone.</p>
<p>My best friend left my public junior high after 7th or 8th grade for a private school after that. We still hung out and as far as schools go she re-united with me in college and became my roommate. So if she does have friends at her current school, they will still be there and she could still see them.</p>
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But if it’s a private school where most of the students have attended together since kindergarten, it can be hard to break into the social life. My D (diagnosed with ADHD and a learning disability) attended a private school for middle school. (S had attended the public middle school and nearly fell through its very large cracks there, so we feared for her there.) While the individualized attention, small classes, and emphasis on skills ignored by the public schools, such as researching and note-taking, were great, the lack of a broad range of extracurriculars (too few students to support a serious newspaper or theater program), requirement of competitive sports participation for all, and clique-ish environment of very wealthy kids (wealthy like skiing in Gstaad over winter break) were factors that brought her back to public school for high school. I don’t regret sending her, but there are a lot of issues to be considered in making this kind of decision. I’d inquire about how transfers are integrated into the school community and ask to be put in contact with the parents of girls who transferred in prior years to get the real story. This is a hard decision, and girls are so fickle at this age. Best of luck.</p>
<p>I’m not a proponent of small schools - which are often clique-ish, especially during these awful middle school years - but in this case I think it may make sense. A smaller school may be able to address a child’s executive functioning issues better and offer more individual attention to the child. I stress MAY, small often doesn’t guarantee specialized help. Small private schools often don’t have the resources that big public school districts do - access to specialists, experience with IEPs, etc.</p>
<p>Thank you to all who replied. I do believe that the private school would be a much better fit for my daughter. How do I overcome her resistance? Do I simply “tell” her that she is going to the new school (and write an even larger check) or do I leave the choice to her? It is her life, after all, but I doubt her ability to make a thoughtful decision rather than a decision driven by anxiety about change.</p>
<p>You’re the parent. Be one.</p>
<p>Maybe there are some summer sports/music type camps where she could meet some potential new friends? Most private middles will spend the first few days doing group activities to promote interaction. Remind her that she doesn’t need a new best friend on day one. All she really needs for the first week is a couple of kids from her homeroom that are also without a group so they can lunch together. Help her get comfortable with a couple of ice breaker lines so she can become confident in starting a conversation or doing a lunch invite. </p>
<p>Ask the school if there are any other kids from your neighborhood you could carpool with. They might not give you the names, but they could contact the other parents to grant permission to give out their name/number.</p>
<p>Yes it is her life, but right now your vote carries more weight.</p>
<p>I’m guessing that it is more of a fear of the unknown at this point that is driving this, rather than her actually wanting to go back to her old school. If it were my child, I’d tell them that the decision was made - for this year. They have to give it a try for the coming school year and you can re-assess in the spring. I’ll bet that it will be a non-issue by then.</p>
<p>We have a friend (with private school kids, as were ours) who said that if she only had enough money for a few years of private school, middle school would be the place to spend it. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I agree with my2sunz. Middle school can make a huge difference.
But I also agree that it can be very difficult to come in as a new student at that age.
What grades does the school cover?
Do they increase # of seats from elementary to middle school?
Small * can * be a problem when it limits course selection and availability of ECs, like sport teams and other activities & clubs. On the other hand, small size with a school that has good support for ECs can give students a chance to shine in areas that they may not have attempted in a larger school.</p>
<p>As she is already 13, would she only be attending for one year?
That could be overwhelming for someone who has trouble with transitions.
The early teen years are much more difficult than later on, IMO. What exactly were the reasons that she was so unhappy at her present school? Are there students that you want to get her away from?</p>
<p>Both my kids are " twice gifted", oldest attended private school (on substantial scholarship) from K-12. Very small schools, & her best friends were from her outside activities. Great academic & extra curricular activities, but she wasn’t able to take advantage of them as much as someone more outgoing would have been able to do, & it wasn’t really until college that she was able to say " I have found my people". A larger school may have allowed her to find her niche earlier.</p>
<p>Some private schools offer summer programs that are open to all area students, does this school have anything like that? It could give her a chance to become more familiar with the building and possibly some of the other students in a less charged atmosphere.</p>
<p>It is very important the kids feel ownership of decisions that impact their lives, but at this age I still feel that informed & caring parents have the right for the final say.</p>
<p>I had my youngest change schools from a tiny private school to a small public for 3rd grade because I was concerned about her reading. ( although in retrospect, I should have just been more patient). I bribed her by getting her a new beanie baby every week . 
Debatable how much that helped, but imo acknowledging that changing schools is a huge deal for her and finding a way to honor that may help with the transition.</p>
<p>I actually wanted my youngest to change( because of academics) for middle school, but in 6th grade ( her school was k-12, & 6th grade was part of the elementary school), she made HUGE progress as well as several very good friends and while she allowed me to drag her around to private school open houses and tours, she was not engaged in the process at all and it was a great source of anxiety for her. Private school admissions are competitive enough that a student who doesn’t want to attend the school will not be seriously considered and I don’t blame them.</p>
<p>She stayed at her school, but I went from being pretty involved, to being extremely involved with the school. We also began outside tutoring even though she had resource room which should have covered that. She increased her time spent in ECs, and was on both school & community sport teams. </p>
<p>A program in 6th grade was the catalyst that turned her around. Her school had a winter activity program ( ski fridays) and her classroom teacher advocated for her to participate even though she wasn’t a skier herself.
Her teacher even paid for what the scholarships from the parent group didn’t cover, she believed in it so much.</p>
<p>It was a wise decision. She was a natural, and although she struggled to keep up at first with her classmates that had been taking lessons for several years, she was persistent.
Falling down on the slopes was not as threatening as raising her hand in class. By the end of the lessons, she was keeping up with her classmates on the advanced runs. She learned to trust herself. This new confidence carried over into the classroom. She saw herself in a new light as did her peers. </p>
<p>So she stayed there for middle school and while academically IMO, it left something to be desired, she did gain enough courage to want to change to a much larger, more challenging school for 9th grade.</p>
<p>Whether she goes to the new school or stays at the old, I would suggest helping her find an EC outside of school that she is engaged in to provide continuity through teenage transitions.
Doesn’t have to be academic at all, but just something she is interested in.
Sports, 4-H, dance or art classes?
What does she like to do/ get better at?</p>
<p>Parent here – I switched from excellent public school to single sex private in 7th grade, and it changed my life (for the better). At many private schools, there are “gateway” grades when they get more than the usual number of new students, often 7th and 9th grade. Many private schools will also, if you ask or, even if you don’t, pair incoming student with a current student who is vetted for being outgoing, warm, etc., and create opportunities for getting to know some students before school begins. Ask admissions staff about those types of opportunities.</p>
<p>A 13 year old will balk at change, and prefer the “devil” they know. You made the decision for all the right reasons, and thought it through carefully. Don’t second guess yourself! Be firm, and look for ways to alleviate her anxiety – if it is a uniform school, talk to current parents to find out about the nuances (I remember being embarrassed when I showed up day one with the belt on my tunic tied the wrong way . . . . ). Does the school offer summer programs that are attended by current students? </p>
<p>Here in our town, parents routinely let their 8th graders pick their high school – which I just don’t understand. They are young teens, and not making wise decisions. This is a parental decision, not a kid decision.</p>
<p>Sounds like you’ve made your decision, now you have to encourage your daughter</p>
<p>Some ideas: tell her she can keep old friends; tell her she can return to old school if she hates new one (and buy tuition insurance if they offer it, so if she decides to bail you get a refund), and do everything you can to introduce her to new school (contact parents, meet new friends, maybe there is a sports or band camp, ask head of school for many ideas). Can she go early for an orientation day, get shown around, see her classroom and meet the teacher. </p>
<p>My guess, your daughter is afraid of failing because of her learning difference. Work on that many ways this summer; celebrate effort, maybe get some counseling, encourage exploration and make it OK to not be the best at stuff. </p>
<p>Socially, try to make friends with FRIENDLY mothers in your daughter’s grade. You will need to be very active for the sake of your daughter’s social life (such is private school) and knowing the other Moms is key. Much work for you on that front. Join PTA, volunteer, help with bake sales, offer to chaperone, plan sleep-overs, parties, steer clear of drama and don’t take sides. Don’t take it personally when you are snubbed by the “popular” Moms. There is a pecking order. At many private middle and high schools the social life of the kids is a full time “Mommy parent” career. Grow a thick skin.</p>
<p>It really depends on how dug in your daughter is about this. She is, ultimately, in the driver’s seat. The problem is that she has the power to prove you wrong by being miserable. If she wants this experiment to fail, she has the power to make that happen. This is why, though we had a strong opinion on the subject, we let our son choose his private high school. I didn’t want to create a situation in which he harmed himself (by failing socially or academically) in order to prove to us that we were wrong.</p>
<p>I think that your best option is to do what you can to minimize her resistance/maximize her buy in, and hope that her resistance decreases as she gets to know the new school. I would do this by following much of 2prepMom’s advice. </p>
<p>First, decrease the pressure of this change by assuring her that if things don’t work out, she can return to her old school after a year. Be clear that she must put in a full year at the new school. Also be clear that “not working out” is her call. That even if she improves academically, she can say that she would still prefer her old school. If you say that she can return if the new school experience is terrible, she may sabotage herself in order to meet that high bar. Empower her by offering a trade. She makes a good faith effort to get the most out of the new school for a year, and you trust her to make the decision about the following year.</p>
<p>Second, allay her social fears by getting her together with students from her new school now. Ask the new school to connect you to parents whose children might be good social fits for your child, including other students who will be new to the school. Contact the families and set up some fun opportunities to meet and hang out over the summer.</p>
<p>Third, allay her social fears by doing what you can to allow her to maintain her friendships from her previous school. See if she can participate in an after school or weekend activity that allows her to keep seeing them.</p>
<p>Private schools may have academic supports without requiring a formal IEP or 504.
Take advantage of that but also try & get what supports are used in writing especially if she may be going to a high school that requires formal assessment to recieve services.
Also expect that as academics increase in difficulty, that her short term memory issues can become more of a problem.
Teachers may rely on instructions on the blackboard or even orally which can be very difficult when students have short term memory challenges.</p>
<p>Agree with the majority here - trust your instinct. What is the best educational environment for your daughter? Smaller, individualized class sizes for a middle school girl who has struggled sure sound like the right path. (She will get involved in activities and make friends no matter where she ends up). But YOU need to make the decision, trust your gut, then set out the many positives in an upbeat, no-second-guessing way. 13-yr old girls are all over the place, and frankly, don’t know what is best for them most of the time. I agree with “be the parent.” </p>
<p>Unfortunately, I speak from experience; we made several similar decisions in my D’s teen years (including whether to switch from public to private; she had several great options and we finally declined mostly out of fear of the unknown, as another poster mentioned). We welcomed and listened to her input, which was important to do. But at the end of the day, she would have trusted and listened to OUR final say, and we were too wishy-washy and did NOT trust our instincts, which led, I think, to the wrong decisions in a couple of cases. </p>
<p>She did fine in life, is at a great college and doing well, so I try not to have regrets, but I do regret not trusting my gut in several instances. Same for (stupid me) not pulling my firstborn from a horrible preschool environment sooner. Parents almost ALWAYS know best.</p>
<p>Thanks so much to everyone who responded. I screwed up my courage and told my daughter that she will attend the new school in the fall. Perhaps not surprisingly, she protested only weakly. So perhaps she wanted me to “tell” her what to do all along! I am a single parent and it really helps to get feedback from others - thanks again!</p>