<p>When contemplating my exploits, my failures, and my eventual (relative) successes, I note a Hegelian trend about them. Antagonistic forces, approaches, and ideas clash, resulting in something more beautiful, more worthy, more satisfying. </p>
<p>Now that the ecstasy (or perhaps more accurately, the endorphins) has (have) largely worn off, I can contemplate the past without the rose-colored glasses I had previously donned, and the red-ink dipped pen I had previously used. Perhaps the third time will be the charm. </p>
<p>After all, Ive already experienced the thesis - a short fling - fun, but overall an utter failure on my part. The antithesis - this spin about - was much more satisfying, but my current, acute, and stinging awareness of all the words that were left unsaid, all the words that should have been said, all the actions that remained thoughts, and all the actions I should have taken back and sincerely apologized for, makes it clear that I still have a tremendous amount of growth to experience. It may seem paradoxical that the clash of antagonistic experiences can result in something better, but it is the summation of the positive and the excision of the negative that results in that something which is better. </p>
<p>I cannot help but burst into fits of laughter when reflecting over my myopic decisions. These were not the decisions of a rational being but ones of a desperate being. One with a pathological sense of self-consciousness. One with an inability to fully assert his will at all times. One with the complete inability to empathize. One with a completely deluded sense of self-importance. A selfish and passively demanding being. A narcissistic one too, both then - and now. And one with a horrible taste in birthday presents.</p>
<p>However laughable my former enterprise is, it is still a major event in my life. But to her, I am just a footnote. A random high school student who took a sudden predilection, and one with an aptitude not for calculus but for stalking (or is it coincidence)? Major, because to me, it is the negation to my initial thesis. </p>
<p>How pathetic am I? Im just a footnote. Deservedly relegated to the annals of history. I cannot believe that I elicited so much courtesy, so much tolerance. And I pathetically try to relive the past through blasting love songs over Spotify and writing numerous essays (many of which deservedly never see the light of day) in which I embed not-so-subtle references to my exploits (if one requires an example, the last sentence of the fourth paragraph is a case-in-point). </p>
<p>There is something comforting about being listened to (or read) by others. There is something comforting about being read by the anonymous yet teeming millions. It is a sort of validation. I take the spotlight of the stage. The production? Another one of IceQubes superficial essays in High School Life. The actor? Pathetic IceQube himself. Just another stupid actor, who frets his hour upon the stage, with the entire audience wishing that hed disappear and be seen no more. And perhaps my audience is not so anonymous although I dont generally reveal the true identity of IceQube - the man behind the genius* - to others, I have revealed who I am to one of my female classmates. </p>
<p>Perhaps shes reading this essay right now, and laughing one of her appendages off at my acute self-awareness, and understanding all of the references Ive dropped - she was, after all, one of my accomplices - a partner-in-crime. I actually wouldnt mind if she reads this essay. After all, I have bared intimate parts of myself here - Ive bared parts of my inner psyche. And as weve discussed on another thread, secrets about oneself can strengthen bonds; they are revealing, and divulging them necessitates a certain level of trust in the other party. </p>
<p>Ultimately, I now have experience under my belt - figuratively, of course. Third times the charm, too, right? So if youre in the market for an amiable man with not only a great smile but also an unusually deft hand for penning romantic letters and erudite essays lets meet :).</p>
But I do like the ending, haha.</p>
your view of her seems pretty biased Qube, no offense. I want to know what she’s really like</p>