Hey guys, I really need a lot of help. I am currently at a University far from home. 3 hours away. Back at home, I leave a girlfriend. Ive been at school dorming for around 2 weeks and I just find it really hard to even live here and to be happy. I have been lonely most of my entire life and my girlfriend has been the escape to that loneliness. The summer before I left for college was truly full of happiness and cheerful vibes, but now that I am here I can barely find the appetite to eat or even the motivation to study or get the relationship off my head. It has truly taken a toll on my life and my emotions and its almost undealable. So, I talked to a bunch of people and acacemic counselors and they advised me of a decision where I could finish the quarter from now to December and take a break for 2 years. I can come home and attend community college while seeing my girl again (senior in hs). This would give me time mature and grow as a person and also gather my thoughts. After attending CC for 2 years, I could apply to a top university nearby my house that I’ve always wanted to go to. And if i were to get denied, I can apply for readmission to my old school and be technically guaranteed back. I know most of you are going to tell me that its not worth it, but please think of the situation from my perspective. I truly do feel our love in this relationship and would potentially last a lifetime. I am really in a state of sadness and loneliness. Thank you for the responses.
You are brave for reaching out. I do think many parents (maybe even me) might tell you to try to stick it out, that a girlfriend is one important part of life, but maybe not something to sacrifice other parts of your life for at this age. But…you are clearly suffering, if your appetite and motivation are so effected, and you have reached out for help. If you’re not functioning in your school (where I’m sure you are paying $$$$), it doesn’t make sense to stay there if you can’t work it out. But…it’s only been two weeks. You are still in transition time.
Many, many high school couples maintain their relationship when one or both are at college. Three hours isn’t really far away; it’s drivable in one day and definitely for a weekend! Not that I think you should come home every weekend or have her come every weekend…that won’t help you make changes at school (friendships, relationships, activities). You have to find some new connections to take your mind off your far away girlfriend. And maybe make a plan to see her once a month or so.
There are many threads on the boards about people in your situation right now…new at school and lonely. Search for those you’ll find lots of great tips and success stories.
What are your gf’s plans for college? If she’s planning on going away to school, what purposed would it serve for you to go home for a short period of time and then be separated again? Would she consider applying to the school where you are currently enrolled?
I honestly think you should continue to talk to the mental health center and try to find some activities and friendships at school. It’s still very early to make a big change.
Please read the thread above. This is normal. 2 weeks is in no way enough time to make drastic decisions. I can’t count how many posts we see like this here on CC, and how many senior posters tell of their own relationships. If your relationship is meant to last, it will. I have a feeling it’s not going to last as long as you hope if you never socialize with anyone but her.
Put yourself out there. Get involved by volunteering, joining clubs, getting a campus job, becoming active in the campus ministry, or forming/joining study groups. You need to grow and mature a little. You need to accept that it’s time to become an adult and get out of your comfort zone a bit. Three hours is no distance at all. You made this post nearly three hours ago. Plan to see your girlfriend and family once a month, if you must, but focus on meeting people and making connections at college.
Honestly, this post sounds like an admission that you are using your girlfriend as a crutch. Your girlfriend is not responsible for your happiness. You cannot expect her to cure your loneliness. Only you can do that. What happens if you and your girlfriend split up? High school is for high schoolers. You will discover very soon that all of your high school friends have moved on. Go see the counseling center at school. Get involved in things and stay busy. Go to the tutoring center and see your professors to ensure you are on track with your classes. Do the best you can do in college, so that you will be proud of what you have achieved. Good luck.
This is tricky. Your already challenging transition to college is complicated by very much missing a girlfriend who doesn’t have your freedoms because she is still in high school. Can you afford to visit home once a month? In between have Skype dates? And as @momofsenior1 asked, what are your girlfriend’s college plans? It would be a shame to lock yourself into leaving for two years only to have your girlfriend enroll in your current school and move there next fall if you are still together.
If you are destined to beat the odds and make it as a couple over the long haul (lifetime, death do us part is the best case scenario) and you both want careers, then you are going to have to make tough choices and be apart sometimes potentially. It’s not going to be easy, but if it’s for the greater good of your relationship and your future family life, it will be important to do and survive. That’s what couples do, make choices that benefit the couple as a unit, even if it doesn’t relieve the immediate pain of being apart.
You have to factor in your educational and career goals. If you are a couple forever, you also have to think about your girlfriend’s goals. It isn’t just about how you feel right now. You might get some immediate relief if you go home, but you have to figure out if that is best long term.
I would not plan my life around a girlfiend/boyfriend at this point.
There are two scenarios:
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You are meant to be. This is the love of your life. If so, you can keep in touch via facetime and skype. You will both expand your worlds and share it with each other. You will visit each others during break. When you graduate you will get back together and plan your life.
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You are not meant to be. You change your college, go home, and then maybe she goes to another college? Breaks up with you? ANd then you are stuck at a CC asking yourself what you have done.
Think about why you applied to and accepted admittance to this college.
Go to talk to the Counseling center…I agree that you are using the GF as a crutch.
Are you homesick? That will be over soon
Are you trying to make friends or avoiding it?
I can tell you two stories:
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Xavier was the smartest kid in the class. He was accepted to Oxford. But his girlfriend wasn’t. So he went to the much lower ranked college that she went to. They broke up. He did okay because he is really smart…but how would he have done with an oxford background?
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Cathy started at Catholic U. But her boyfriend went to SUNY Buffalo. She transferred to SUNY Buffalo. They broke up. SHe had to stay in Buffalo.
I know many more stories of breaking up…not sure if I know any of moving and then staying together.
Is your GF in HS? What if she graduates and goes somewhere else?
Also ask yourself why everything was rosy over the summer? Because both of you had no responsibilities. Once you are back in school you both will have work to do. She will want to go to the homecoming dance and prom…do you want to do that? Is she involved in Band and then not available on the weekends bcause she is busy?
@bopper makes a great point. All the young couples we know who followed one or another to college all broke up. Those that stayed together and made it, went to different schools and survived the long distance relationship.
(I wonder if there are any actual studies about that!)
Giving up on maturity steps to be together can cause resentment or pressure to stay. Neither is good for a relationship in the long haul.
For some reason, the story of comic George Lopez comes to mind. His then wife of 17 years gave him a kidney. They got a divorce a few years later. I imagine many difficult conversations in the years in between regarding commitment, obligations and sacrifice.