Taking a semester off midyear

Parents Forum
1

<p>A bit of background for those that haven't read my older thread:
My daughter is a sophmore at her current school; she transferred after freshman year from a school that she was happy at. She was originally at a LAC that she found too isolated and didn't like the drinking culture at the school. She had and still has great friends from this school that she speaks to often and has visited with them over the summer. The academics were great at the first school, but not enough to keep her there 4 years. The transfer school actually was her first choice school all along, but she got cold feet about attended a larger school when most of her friends were going to a LAC. Anyway, she seemed happy with her choice to transfer and get admitted to her current school.</p>

<p>First semester has had it problems-For some reason my social child was having problem adjusting. I believe she thought the transition would be easy and it wasn't. She walked into her first day freshman year making friends right off the bat and this didn't happen with the transfer. She ended up becoming depressed and we got her into counseling right away and tried meds for a bit. Due to a health issue, she was taken off of the meds and is doing fine.</p>

<p>From all the discussions with my daughter, she doesn't really seem to know why she is having so much trouble. She feels, and the therapist seems to agree, that a semester off would give her time to think through her problems and clear her head. My daughter feels that she just needs to get away from the college culture and focus on herself. This would mean coming home and taking classes at a local college, working, an internship, or a combination of several of the above. It is not that she wants to live at home with mommy and daddy, just that home is the easiest place to regroup. She is doing fine with her course work and has every intention of graduating on time even if she has to take classes during the summer (that is if she doesn't take a full load this spring.) I don't think she would ever quit college as she does enjoy the courses and feels a college education is inportant. Jokingly my daughter has said she just has an adversion to college; she seems ready to jump into the real world without all the college stuff. While she loves her sorority and does have friends at school, she doesn't feel like she will miss anything being gone a semester. I am told this is no different than the student that goes abroad for the semester.</p>

<p>My husband and I have let it be know that we feel that staying the course would be better for her. I know she will hate being home after about a month as she has no friends at school here. I worry that when she hears from her friends that are away about the basketball games they are attending, the college mixers, the sorority parties, and other college events she will feel left out. Her response to that is, that she will then want to go back to school in the fall and will be more excited to get back. I have been told by her that she is 99% sure she will go back in the fall. She already has plans to live in the sorority house and has a roomate for the fall. I do know that part of the problem here is that the girls she is most friendly with are all going abroad spring semester, so while she has friends, many will be gone. </p>

<p>Part of why she wants to come home for a semester is to figure out why she transferred in the first place, what she was looking for by tranferring, can she be happy at her current school, and is it the school she is having a issue with or is it all just her. Things are so much better for her now than they were 2 months ago. No more crying, no more sleepless night, but still a feeling of not wanting to be at school. I do see the value in being home and getting better, but I also believe that more time at school will be ok also. My daughter still doesn't know what to do, but she is very much leaning towards coming home the semester. I think she wants us to tell her what to do, and why we have said we would prefer her to stay, we have also said we will support her with either decision she makes. I did tell her that if she is home that I did want her to continue with therapy at least at the beginning enven though she doesn't feel like depression is still an issue. She has agreed that keeping up the talk therapy is a good idea. I have made her several appointment oven Christmas break with a therapist in town that I know. She doesn't want to make the final decision until the break and maybe these sessions will help her with that decision.</p>

<p>How has taking a semester worked for others? Will this make her want to go back or will she decide that college isn't for her? I think I just decided last night that maybe being home is the best solution. I said to my husband if she had a medical illnes that required treatment we would have her home in a flash, so this is really not any different. I think my husband is dissapointed that she is running away from a problem and not facing it head on, and maybe is worried that she will give up. I also think he is taking this as a personnal failure, like maybe we have done something wrong here. Of course, these are issues we can deal with and he will get over himself.</p>

<p>I would love to hear how a semester off has worked for others.</p>

2

<p>I think it is very difficult for a parent to help their child with this decision. It is impossible to totally separate your personal feelings, desires, fears out of the situation in order to truely help her. It is terrific that she has a therapist and she will be working on this question with her therapist. That gives her the power and autonomy to make this decision on her own. This way you will remain her #1 strength regardless of how her decision works out.Young adults are very worried about letting down and disappointing their parents and will never really tell them everything that is driving their decisions so as not to disappoint. </p>

<p>Of course you will hear many positive and negative results from others that have made this decision and how it went for them but it doesn't really matter because this is a personal journey. </p>

<p>Good luck to you and your family as you weather this fork in the road. It will be okay because she's a great kid and you guys all love each other!!</p>

3

<p>It sounds like your daughter has really thought this through. I would leave the decision up to her. It doesn't sound like there's any danger of her not returning to college, and you said you think she'll get bored and want to go back once she realizes there are no friends at home this spring. </p>

<p>I suspect that in the end things will work out for her either way, so I'd let her decide. It's hard when things don't work out for our kids the way we had hoped they would, and it's so hard to see them in pain! But it sounds like you guys are working through it and all will end up good.</p>

4

<p>snowball~</p>

<p>Hi....Welcome to CC! And {{{{{hugs}}}}} to your D and to you for the difficult time she is going through right now at school.</p>

<p>First of all, I must tell you how very, very much I admire you for making sure that your D is getting the help she needs with regard to her depression. Depression is <em>not</em> unusual in college students, though many of them fail to get the help that will enable them to get back on the right track. Please <em>never</em> feel that your D's struggles are the result of something you did or did not do as a parent. This age is a very difficult one, and the stresses are many and challenging. That you are making sure your D gets the help she needs is testimony to your excellent parenting.</p>

<p>It sounds as if your daughter truly does need to work some things out. You mentioned that she transferred after her freshman year from a school that she was pleased with, at least on many levels. The transition to her new school has probably been made a bit more difficult by the fact that she still has some emotional ties to her old school by way of friends. And she may be wondering at this point exactly WHY she decided to transfer. I am also guessing that by this time, she has fully realized that NO place is perfect and that, in fact, for everything you gain in one environment, you give up some other things. It seems to me that this may be at the root of her confusion and doubt right now. She may be wondering if, now that she has not managed to be deliriously happy at EITHER school, if she is destined to feel this way for the remainder of her college career.</p>

<p>To me, college is often portrayed in the glowing, glitzy, dazzling way that marriage and babies are, at least in the Hallmark cards....the new ADVENTURE, full of opportunity and immeasurable joy. Only trouble is, in each of these cases, that is only half of the story. The OTHER half of the story is about significant change, pushing comfortable limits, letting go of that which is familiar and thus comforting and reassuring. Very few people go around telling kids who are headed off to college about the emotional challenges they will face, so many kids are taken by surprise.</p>

<p>I spoke with my own son (a college sophomore) last weekend. He is in the middle of a very tough academic semester (including orgo), and I could tell that he was a bit frustrated with the sheer amount of WORK that has been required. I <em>know</em> he expected more out of college...more fun, more adventure, more free time. But that is not how it is right now for him. I think that your D, too, is coming terms with the difference between her college expectations and what she is actually experiencing, and each kid has his own capacity for and style of dealing with these issues.</p>

<p>Like you, I would have some real concerns if my son were to want to take a semester off. My biggest concern would be the same one you have....that if given that time off, he may not want to return to the academic grind with all of its concomitant hassles and stresses. IMHO, there is simply no way to absolutely determine what will happen if your D does decide to take the semester off. It is entirely possible for her to decide that she misses school, misses her friends, and wants to return next semester. Or, she may feel such relief to be out of an environment that she found uncomfortable that she may decide that it is not worth returning.</p>

<p>Like you, I would make my concerns known to my child, but I would absolutely listen to her also. If, after I had expressed my feelings about wanting her to stay in school, she still wanted to come home, I think I would support that decision. The MOST IMPORTANT thing right now is your D's mental and emotional health. Once those things are taken care of, she will be in a much better position to make good decisions with regard to her educational future.</p>

<p>If your D DOES decide to come home, I would make sure that she takes some classes and pursues other work to keep her busy. That way, she won't get out of the habit of having a "school schedule" and a somewhat busy life. But most importantly, make sure she continues her talk therapy. If she is confused about her college decisions, she will be able to work through those things with an objective party while working on strategies to improve her coping skills and adjust her college expectations to be more realistic.</p>

<p>I <em>really</em> hope that your husband and you realize that your D is her own unique self and that the adjustment issues she is experiencing with college are normal and not at all due to anything either of you has done "wrong." In fact, by supporting your D emotionally, you are doing the best possible thing. Hang in there, and I so hope that everything works out beautifully for your D. </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

5

<p>I really appreciate the above replies; they seem to calm me. </p>

<p>Berurah-Can you come live with me? You said all the right things and made me feel so much better. Maybe you can counsel my daughter!</p>

<p>So this weekends phone calls started out with her coming home and by last night she is asking me "hypothetically", if she stays at school could she come home for a weekend or two to take a break. She is at a school where kids are close enough to home that they might go home for a night or two. She isn't too far from home; she could easily drive home for a weekend or get a cheap flight. Now, as I sit here this morning, she calls and tells me she talked to a girl in her sorority that also transferred to her school as a sophmore and had some of the same issues my daughter is dealing with. This girl ended up going abroad spring semester last year to take a break-of course, this girl said it was the best thing she has ever done! So, now my daughter really thinks her decision to come home is the right one. What is holding her back is that she still thinks her father and I will be dissapointed in her even though I have told her a number of times that we won't. Also, her best friend from home thinks she should stay put and not be at home, which makes my daughter doubt her decision. She has wondered if her parents and home friends think she should stay, then what is wrong with her that she feels she needs to come home and get well? I feel like we rehash the same things over and over. I told her to make her decision without worrying about everyone else. While she is happier at school now than she was 2 months again, this decision keeps her from enjoying herself. She is so consumed with what she should do that it takes over her life, and mine with the phone calls. You should have seen the cell phone bill this month!!</p>

<p>I have to give my daughter credit for being able to talk to her old and new friends about her issues. Telling new friends that she is having problems can not be easy. Her new friends have been very supportive; it is her friends from high school that have caused her to doubt herself. I guess her older friends have known her longer that they don't seem to understand how she wouldn't be happy as they are all happy-maybe.</p>

<p>I am so ready to tell her to come home for next semester as I know that is what she wants, but I want her to figure this out for herself. She has always wanted a quick fix, and me telling her to come home would allow her to stop thinking about what is right. While she knows that her father and I would welcome her home, she also knows that if there is any way she can stay at school and be happy, that would be our first choice.</p>

<p>I still would love to hear what other students have done during a semester off. At this time the goal is to take classes and find an internship somewhere. I have no idea how one looks for an internship, but she is going to check at her school and see if they can help her.</p>

6

<p>Mine is currently working as a Capital Hill staffer--after getting a promotion in September. He did it because he was excited by the opportunity and had extra credits. He's taking a course at night. He's going back to uni in January.</p>

<p>Do you have other children snow? My worry about a child who is trying to right a tippy boat is that 'home' with mom and dad might not be the best place to learn how to right your own boat. Your D may just be one of those children who learn best by running into brick walls. My sister was like that. Three schools in six years. it's not the easiest saga to watch but those children eventually right themselves. In fact, my sister says she is never ever moving out of her current home. She's had enough transitions!</p>

<p>I'd rather my child went abroad--or to New York to work--something, anything. I don't think 19 year olds are particularily 'parentable'--and I know they think they are infinitely wiser than crabby old ladies. ;)</p>

7

<p>Snowball, your daughter is a human being. She is not some perfect machine.</p>

<p>She feels she should come home and regroup. Your job is to support her decision.</p>

<p>It will work out if you let your daughter make decisions about her own life and you support those decisions.</p>

<p>Our kid's lives don't always move in a perfect linear progression. Sometimes there are detours, zigzags, false starts, misdirections, etc. So what?</p>

<p>You have an intelligent daughter who is communicating to you about her needs. Are you listening to her or to yourself?</p>

8

<p>The article on the other side of this link may help:
<a href="http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3955/is_200507/ai_n14903697%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3955/is_200507/ai_n14903697&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>It was written by a parent whose daughter struggled with the transition to college and ultimately decided to take some time off. There are many similarities with your daughter's situation, but, of course, each individual is unique. Still, I think you may find it useful and thought-provoking. There is no shame in taking a different path, and this is not a race to be won. Best of luck to your daughter as she makes this decision.</p>

9

<p>btw, I took a year off from university to raise cash and lived at home/worked. AND when I ran into political trouble in Architecture school and turned up at Christmas in a very fragile state, I decided to attend a program in New York City--over my parent's strenuous objections and sheer terror. </p>

<p>It shouldn't have worked, but New York cured all that ailed me. As carolyn says, every story is unique. Every human has unseen strengths.</p>

10

<p>In addition to the therapist (great idea) you might want to suggest touching base with her school's counseling dean or whatever they call it. These people often have perspective about the semester off that an individual parent can't have.... how many kids come back; how many don't; how many fail to graduate on time, etc. None of these things are as important as your daughter's health.... so I'm not suggesting that she let this dean make the decision, but it sounds as though your daughter is quite ambivalent about the coming home plan.</p>

<p>I know several kids who have done it with mixed results. Positives-- allows for some distance and perspective on the whole college experience. Neutral-- living with mom and dad once you've left home is not the warm and comfy experience a college student who is struggling may idealize it to be. Unless you two are ma and pa Walton, it can be very stressful for her to be back home under your roof, your rules, your phone, your fridge, after she's gotten used to her independence. Even if she's working and taking a few classes.... she's living the life of a HS kid again. Negative-- like riding a bike, some skills have to actually be used in order to master them. Adjusting to life at college is one of those skills for many kids-- you can't adjust to what you're not experiencing.</p>

<p>However, she'll find her own way, for sure and nothing is worth sacrificing her health for. On the other hand, if she idealized life at this current college and is now questioning why she transfered.... it wouldn't be unusual for her to start questioning why she took time off once she gets used to living back home.</p>

<p>Anyway she can stay at college with a reduced course load ?</p>

11

<p>carolyn-Thank you for that article; I look forward to sharing it with my husband this evening, and maybe even my daughter.</p>

<p>cheers and blossom-Yes I have other children, but they are older. My daughter would love to have gone abroad, but it was too late to apply through her school when she began to have trouble. Besides, if she was truly having a depression episode, I did not want her to be in another country; I feel she would be better receiving therapy either at home or at school. She knows that home isn't going to be a picnic; it is just the best place other than school right now. We have listed all the negatives of living at home with mom and dad, without friends, with our rules; although this is a child that really hasn't given us any trouble about rules, etc. even when she was home during the summer. We have also gone over the pros of being home-receiving therapy, taking courses without the college lifestyle interfering, working a paying job or internship. Believe me, this child will be kept busy! We have also taked about staying with a lighter load, but the course work is not her problem. When she first told us how unhappy she was, the first thing she said was that the only time she was happy is when she was in class or doing her work!! Thankfully, her grades have not suffered during this semester, but this was never a straight A student to begin with. Throughout high school and first year of college, she typically would make an equal amount of A's and B's, with one C first semester freshman year in a course she liked that the pro gave very few A's, more B's, and many, many C's. She was not to upset with her grade as she felt she worked hard. That is all we ask of our kids is to do the best they can.</p>

<p>I know if my daughter comes home she will be able to address her issues and get back to campus in the fall. I had an appointment with the psychiatrist she will be using over the winter break, and spring semester if she is home. We have used this doctor with our oldest when he was iyounger as he is/was ADHD. I think he will be wonderful for my daughter as she now needs someone to really help her figure out what is bothering her. Her current therapist, while we have been happy, isn't helping as much as my daughter would like. She is really ready to find some answers and I feel this doctor will be able to work with her.</p>

<p>The more I talk to my daughter, the more I realize she really does know what is best for herself. Maybe she could stay at school next semester and deal with her issues, but if being home will jump start her, I am ready for her to be home! Emptynesting will have to wait another 8 months to really kick in!!! If she does decide to return to campus spring semester, we will be happy also. It is a shame she isn't at a school that has the winter mini semesters or whatever those are called. I don't think she needs a full semester to figure out her life, but I also don't think the 3 weeks of Christmas Holidays will be enough.</p>

12

<p>The more I talk to my daughter, the more I realize she really does know what is best for herself. Maybe she could stay at school next semester and deal with her issues, but if being home will jump start her, I am ready for her to be home! >></p>

<p>Sounds like you are a wise mother. Sometimes the hardest part of parenting comes when our children need to take a little different path than you anticipated. That's when we have to put our own fears and disappointments aside, deal with what is, and, of course, offer lots of mother-love and support. Best of luck to your daughter, hugs to you, and do let us know how it all turns out.</p>

13

<p>Well, the decision has been made-she is coming home for Spring semester. It looks like she will take one online course at her current university (a required course for her major,) two classes at the local university, and hopefully an internship if the company will allow her to work only two or three days. The courses she wants to take are offered twice a week, but there is a lab smack in the middle of the third day; not really allowing time to work much before or after due to location. I think she is going to register for the classes and then talk to the person about the internship. It is not a given, but she found out about this through family. As it is an unpaid internship, I am hoping the person will take whatever time my daughter can give. If an internship does not work out, then my daughter will most likely work somewhere and babysit when she can.</p>

<p>I think she feels relieved that the decision has been made and she can now move forward. Thank you to all for your thoughts; they have been so helpful to me.</p>

14

<p>Good luck, snowball. I truly hope your daughter is able to determine what has been missing in her university experience so that she will know what she wants when she sees it next.</p>

<p>Endeavor to enjoy this time as a short, temporary, possibly last-ever interlude with your D in your home. Reinforce positive things about her, so she is not down on herself and can look at life with a fresh perspective. It is so easy to feel like some how she/you has failed for transferring or taking time off, but if she finally really knows what she wants/ needs and it is time off, then it will be a good thing.....as long as she comes out on the other side with the knowledge of where she wants to go next.</p>

<p>She is confused, she is, what, 19-20? Heck I am 40+ and confused about what I want next (hmm, empty nester, eh!) so help her to see there is nothing wring with her perse for not knowing what she wants, there would be something wrong if she comes home and watches Oprah & Judge Judy every day and makes no effort. Her efforts should be to stop thinking about what the world tells her she should do (college in 4 years) and what she needs to do.....she needs to find her passion and pursue, then she has a hope to find joy in life. She is so lucky to have this time in life, with a safe home to go to, find her passion. So many people who get caught up with life...rent/mort & other expenses take years & years to realize they missed their chance at pursuing their passion.</p>

<p>Have hope!</p>

15

<p>Great advice all around...what I am concerned about is this...does it take a whole semester to figure out why you transferred? </p>

<p>What does the D want to do with her time at home...I don't think the healthiest thing to do would be to spend a lot of time going over and over again about a decision it sounds like she possibly regrets, which is okay, but to spend 5 months thinking about it just doesn't sound mentalty healthy</p>

<p>If she comes home, what will she do with herself all day-will she work, take classes, volunteer etc, who will she hang out with (just saw the post about classes and work, that is great!!)</p>

<p>Going home is nothing to be ashamed of, its what is made of that time that can make all the difference</p>

<p>I am still very unclear as to why she wants to come home, if she is so excited about the fall...I just don't get it....she was happy at her first school, but after one year, even with all the plusses, it wasn't academically hard enough? she couldn't find ways to stretch herself? and she says she is so unhappy at the new school, yet at the same time can't wait for fall?</p>

<p>What am I missing? Is it guilt for leaving her friends? Does she want to go back to old school? Is the new school too hard? I don't think it takes a semester to get those answers and if she hasn't figured some of that out with her therapist, how can she make such a big decision? What i sense from the posts is someone who goes with who ever has the prevailing and most recent opinion, who not yet is confident enough in her own judgement, and that to a degree is okay. As for her friend in the sorority, it is interesting that two girls who transferred in have similar issues, perhaps it was the being unsure about the college experience in general that was the problem, not the schools...</p>

<p>I am going to ask a question as an aside, does the new school have a big Greek program? And if so, has that affected the transistion? It may not be, but if many people are all "set" with their social lives around frats, etc., that can be tough</p>

<p>I hope this doesn't sound cruel or harsh, but how mature relative to other girls her age is your daughter? Was she independent in HS? Is this "pattern" a brand new thing, or is it jsut a continuation of her HS "personality" if you know what I mean. If you had a confident, powerful, driven you lady who suddenly changed that is one thing, if you have a less confident, more finding her way young lady who is still growing, that is quite another. THere is nothing wrong with having a child who is trying to figure things out, some people just take their time, its the sudden shift, if there was one, that can be a major concern</p>

<p>I guess my fear is that she may be saying things to mom and dad to appease them about her coming home and tht she may be much less sure about going back then she claims, which is okay, but mom and dad need to be prepared for that</p>

16

<p>and realize we are talking 7 months of down time here....including summer...that is a long time to contemplate your navel</p>

17

<p>Looks like the decision has been made, but I just thought I would add...at my school, we are all supposed to go on a internship at some point for two terms, but when it came time for me I didn't find a paying job, I just did telecommuting unpaid work. I was on campus the whole time because I'd rented an apartment thinking that I would need to live in the city to work there, and I had an on-campus work study job, but I didn't attend any classes since it would have cost extra. That's the longest that I've ever been out of school for any reason, and even though I was essentially in the middle of a college campus I felt extremely isolated from all my peers and everything vaguely college-related...I'm sure it would have been worse if I were actually at home with my parents. I guess it depends what you mean to get out of the experience, but I would not really recommend this route for someone who is already unhappy with the social aspect of college.</p>

18

<p>snowball~</p>

<p>I have a great deal of admiration for both your daughter <em>and</em> you. I think she has made the decision that is best for HER in this situation, and I am quite certain that all will work out beautifully for her. I wish her all the best. Please continue to keep us posted, O.K.? ~berurah</p>

19

<p>CGM-Where do I start? I am just going to go through your post and answer in order. does it really need to take an entire semester? Well, if she is coming home, then yes, a whole semester to regroup and finish a semester at home. My daughter needs to clear her head, receive therapy, and get a bit of TLC from mom, dad, the dog, and cats! If she was at a school that had a winter mester then she might have been able to go back in time for spring, but her school doesn't, so that isn't an option.</p>

<p>Both schools have been great academically; there are no problems there. The first school we know what the problem was-she shouldn't have gone ther ein the first place; she also knew that but wouldn't admit it. While she misses her friends a lot from her first school, she knows that wasn't the place for her. Her current school is a good match for her, but mentally she isn't there. She has friends and really wants to go back when she is well. My daughter has always said that she isn't unhappy with her school, she is just unhappy.</p>

<p>The current school has a freek life, but not a huge one. One of the reasons to transfer was for the sorority life, which she is very happy with. She is most upset with missing out things her "sisters" will be doing and has plans to attend a few of the large function during the semester. My daughter is on a committee for a very big school fundraiser. she has plans to be on campus for this event during the spring. She wants to be connected with the school which makes me pretty sure she will return in the fall.</p>

<p>As far as my daughter's maturity, I would say she is pretty mature for her age; this coming from adults she has worked for and her teachers. She has been fairly independent, but is an active part of her group of friends. I think she has been very open with me and her therapist. I really think she just needs some intense therapy and maybe meds to make her the outgoing happy daughter that left for college last year. She wants that girl back also; she is tired of being so unhappy and depressed.</p>

<p>Don't know if I addressed all of your concerned, but I can tell you that having her home is the best option at this time. If this were the end of spring semester then I think the summer would give her enough time to get well, but it isn't so we will have her home this spring. She will keep herselp busy with 3 classes, an internship or job, helping around the house, and visiting her current campus when she can. It will be different for her on campus when she doesn't have to deal with the day to day college stuff.</p>

<p>Berurah-You don't know how much your support means to me. It has even erased a bit of my jewish mother guilt :-) I am sure my mother figures she did something wrong that my child is unhappy, so there no reason for both of us to stress!!!</p>

20

<p>snowball...best of luck. May your daughter find the solace and balance she seeks. Cyber hugs to you too.</p>