My oldest totally failed at the college thing – she is almost 23 and just cannot do it. She seems happy enough I guess but she won’t ever make the money she needs to live the way she’d like. It was very hard watching her crash and burn like that. She has a learning disability, struggles with anxiety and is just a very difficult child (always has been) - and she always needed support in school to keep afloat and have decent grades.
Her sister is turning 18 soon and is about to embark on her first year of college, including playing D2 lacrosse. In my mind I KNOW she is not her sister - she is independent, gets good grades on her own, is persistent and a hard worker and is generally a rule follower. It isn’t like she never breaks the rules, but it is the exception for her. As a matter of fact, her boyfriend and his best friend had a $5 bet of whether she would go through with participating in a senior class prank or chicken out for fear of getting in trouble - her boyfriend won the bet (he was on the chicken out side). We all got a great laugh out of it. Overall she has a good head on her shoulders and is mature and responsible.
My mind knows she isn’t her sister and she will more than likely do GREAT - but sometimes my heart is so afraid and worried about her. I know it is probably not that rational - but bringing up my eldest was SO HARD AND DRAINING!! My step children - both older than the 18 year old are also being successful at college (well one is now a working graduate) and have lived with my 18 year old like siblings for the past 5 years-- so she sees them doing it successfully.
I can’t talk you out of doing it, but it does appear to be a bit of irrational thinking based on her past. The big question is…what does the worrying accomplish?
@eyemgh Nothing I suppose-- I just started second guessing myself having her go off to Ohio which again is not rational, she doesn’t need to be right here are home to NOT get in trouble. And honestly lacrosse is a good thing as she will be busy and the other players are all very good students so a very good group to be associated with right away.
My eldest was on the equestrian team - well for a couple months until grades shot her right off; of course it also sound by all accounts as if she wasn’t a very good team player (complaining that she didn’t like their work outs etc. etc. – dang that one can be so difficult I wonder how I raised them both)
^Good question. I can’t remember the movie, but it involved a pretty dire situation for one character. Another person asked him, “Why aren’t you worried??” and the character responded, “Would it do any good?” I try to remember that phrase whenever I start worrying about my kids or anything else.
OK, I’ll be the first. Yes, I can understand your anxieties having dealt with your elder child and her issues. BUT you have clearly stated in your post above why your oldest was not cut out for college and why your daughter should be expected to succeed. I can only say what you know in your heart – that your D is ready for this next step – she is a mature young lady and a good student. Expect her to succeed.
Indeed you are catastrophizing. You are mentally inventing potential catastrophes which have very low probability of actually happening and for which there is very little mitigation available to you, and then worrying about them anyway. It’s probably a very common mental error.
Instead enjoy today. Tomorrow, enjoy tomorrow. Your D18 very likely has a bright future. Your D23 is happy, which is quite an accomplishment in and of itself given what you’ve described. You need to step back and enjoy. Live today.
Good place to unload. Relax, mom, D2 will do fine- just as she has done through HS. This time you get to enjoy her reports of school and that will help. Remember she will, like any normal college freshman, have her ups and downs. You also get to contend with an empty nest and any feelings there.
Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. You went way beyond to get D1 through to adulthood. You also managed to do a good job with D2 so she was nor messed up by her older sister’s problems. I suspect D2 got some extra maturity from seeing older sister’s mishaps. She does have the success of other sibs (even if only by your marriage) to know she can do it. It is good for her to be going away from home and to her own school. A new start without any family baggage following her. Good mom for not being overprotective and keeping her close.
See- you have done a lot of things right. You have the normal fears of every mom sending a kid off to college. She will succeed like the vast majority do. You also recognize your issues and are dealing with them. I have on this forum far too long and have seen other parents’ worries and stories. You are not alone here. Hang in there and things will go well. Enjoy the excitement of your D’s starting her college life.
I know lots of families who have that one person who just never seemed to have their life together in the beginning. Sometimes they figure it out later, sometimes they don’t. But, it doesn’t seem to affect the outcomes of the other siblings. Don’t let your older child’s path determine your younger child’s destiny.
I do understand your worries. I have a D20 who does not have her life together at all. She blew off scholarships including one to play soccer (her dream) to run off with a guy. Came back a couple of months later but has not had any desire to go to school or work. Her decisions have been awful and she has diagnosed mental health issues but won’t take her meds or go to her doctors. She finally has had a job for 8 mos (doggie day care) and finished her first college class with a B. Baby steps. Younger brother is about to head off to college 12 hours away. I know he will be fine because he has a goal and will stick to it but once in awhile I start to worry. His junior year he had a rebellious streak that nearly drove us all crazy. He turned it all around senior year so I hope he will be ok but once in awhile my mind works overtime. Your younger D will be fine. It is hard to just not worry, but try.
It’s totally understandable that you are reliving the stressful experience of your older D…it’s a kind of a post-traumatic stress event. The younger D heading off to college is triggering the memories and feelings you had with the older D.
Just try to override those feelings because you know they are not rational. Younger D is a totally different person than older D. I’ve seen this in a lot of families - nothing to do with how you raised your D’s! They are simply two different young women.
@momocarly Oh I feel your pain on the mental health and refusal to take charge of it – doctors and meds. I have stopped trying to intervene… I had said my peace, she knows how I feel about it and saying anything more is really counter productive. But yeah its scary letting another one loose in the world.
I always tell my husband that I am glad to have had my younger two after struggling through raising #1. #3 can be a bit of a challenge at times but cannot hold a candle to #1. If I never had 2 and 3 I would have been certain I was the most ineffective parent on earth!
It’s just my older (half) sister and me. We’re also 5 years apart. She’s smart but school wasn’t her thing. She went for a few semesters but prefers to work in a restaurant and makes very good money.
I’m now in a PhD program at a top uni. Your D sounds a lot like me. I didn’t need older siblings to look up to. I had always done my own thing.
I actually sent all 3 of mine off with a niggling concern - the best and the brightest crash and burn, kid’s that have no learning disabilities and no indication they aren’t “college ready” crash and burn,lots of kids crash and burn. I think it’s normal to have a tad or worry, and probably moreso if you have one that wasn’t able to successfully head off to college at 18 or 19 to worry. As long as it doesn’t cause unhealthy stress I think it’s OK to “worry abit.” I always felt a great sigh of relief after freshman year with each kid. Plus I agree that every kid is different and any path toward independence is a positive step afterall our “jobs” as parents is absolutely to raise our children to independence!
“D18 has said more than one time that she does NOT want to go down the path her older sister went on.”
My D18 said almost the same thing just this week. She jokingly credited her older sister for doing many things the hard way so that she could learn to avoid each mistake.
Each kid has their own strengths and own weaknesses. Both in my siblings and I and in my daughters I see some similarities, but significant differences, and a reluctance in the younger kids to follow in their older sibling’s mistakes. It sounds to me that your youngest will do very well at university.
Also note that the majority of Americans never get a 4 year college degree. Most do just fine anyway.
“Also note that the majority of Americans never get a 4 year college degree. Most do just fine anyway.”
So true. I have gobs of nieces and nephews. The most financially successful of the bunch so far never went to college and was married and a parent by the age of 20, with income well into six figures. There are many paths to a productive and happy life, although you wouldn’t know that from reading CC.
I know you are venting, but as a parent with a similar configuration of kids’s strengths and weaknesses, some of your comments made me cringe. Sorry. I hope you can talk to someone about your feelings about your oldest. Maybe you are.
I was just with a friend whose kids went through truly tough times (as did mine, and we have dealt with medical and psych. challenges) and we agreed that as long as our children are alive on this planet, things are aok. Think about that.
I also have a relative who has learning disabilities and was a mess in his 20’s with drugs, bartending, no future. He volunteered in a field, went back to a school and is now executive director of something in the media that I will of course keep private but very impressive.
I would stop worrying about your 18 year-old. You feel powerless about the older daughter so maybe you are transferring feelings onto the younger one?
We launch them and hope. Remember that failures and disasters are sometimes opportunities. They really are. Chances are your 18 year-old won’t face either but the bottom line, again, is that as long as everyone is alive, things are possible.
Your older one may hit bottom so to speak, get help, and thrive. It’s still early for her.
There are many adult learner programs, online, distance, continuing ed, extension, whatever you call it. Students can take one class at a time and take years. There are also vocational programs at community college and on the job training, so if she wants to move forward, those things are there. But working can work out fine without any of that, as so many have said- it just takes time.
@compmom Bringing up a daughter with so many challenges is hard - it was then, it is now and I assume it always will be. I am not sure what makes you cringe about my being truthful about that. I could pretend it is all peachy and never worries me but it does and it probably always will. I have done the best that I know how, I have talked to counselors, teachers, special education experts … you name it. Her father agrees even agrees with me and we do not agree on much. I worry for HER and HER future. For a while after she lost about her 4th job in a row I was terrified she would to the unthinkable because of the many many times she has had to pick herself back up.
I am proud of how far she has come, I am proud of her resilience, but I still worry because I think life will always be more challenging for her-- and she just doesn’t seem interested in vocational training or anything else - at least not enough to get back on meds and stick to it – so I am being realistic in my expectations now.
I vented here because I would never SAY any of this to either her or my 18 year old. But I figured other parents have difficult self talk in their own heads too at times and assumed at least some here could sympathize.
