A lot of us feel that way. I have finally figured out that with my offspring, it’s because they only text or call when there’s a problem. They convey good news by e-mail, and they don’t contact me at all just to chat. I’m the one who initiates the just-to-talk conversations.
toomanyteens, so much of your post is comparing the two daughters. In fact that is the whole basis for your worrying. Instead of changing your attitude about the youngest, I think you could try to think about the older one differently, and the effect will spill over onto your anxieties about the first.
Posting online is tricky in terms of privacy so it is hard to get into details but believe me, I have been there, struggled just like you, and I am trying to be helpful. I have also received the phone calls everyone dreads, and one continues to have a life threatening illness. I have learned not to worry too much but work hard at it, whether through counseling for myself, Tai Chi, art, good work or friends.
There are many ways to deal with this for you, yourself. But I did wonder about the effect on your oldest of being viewed as "difficult, “draining” and so on. What would she think of your post? This is not a judgment but it is a suggestion. With a learning disability and anxiety, it would seem that those difficulties were not really her fault.
@compmom I don’t know what she would think – honestly I think she knows she isn’t easy. While the difficulties are not her fault, her unwillingness to address them as she should ARE her fault and make her life much harder. I have seen her do it successfully but not for quite some time. It is a journey getting to an okay place, and I am still working it.
Colleges are getting better at understanding that students learn in different ways and many give options of exams, papers, quizzes or presentations/projects or a combination. What about online degree for Student #1. Also, I have seen remarkable achievement for students who attend colleges which are made for LD students. Landmark College is one and Curry College has great accommodations.https://www.landmark.edu/
I think you can talk yourself off the ledge! Come back in a week and read your post that started this thread (time will increase your objectivity). You’ll see that there’s no reason to worry about your second D.
I think it’s okay to worry about your child who’ll be heading to college in the fall, not because I think anything bad will happen to her but because I think all children, not just the “difficult” ones, deserve to be worried about, if the parent is a worrier. My D1 didn’t crash and burn but did have various problems in high school and college, including one especially serious one at the end of her sophomore year of college. D2 was about to graduate from high school, and she made very clear to me that she didn’t want her sister’s issues to hog all the parental time and attention during her last summer before starting college. She also made clear by word and deed, however, that she wouldn’t be following in her sister’s footsteps. She didn’t but she also appreciated extra love and care as she set off out of the nest.
D2 will do great, just give her some water and watch her bloom. It’s actually D1 whom I wanted you to consider another idea.
In my opinion, our culture has placed way too much emphasis on college, where we should also show other career options. Let me share a story.
A friend of mine named Dan is an ophthalmologist. His wife is an ER nurse. She and I were raving about my new highlights / lowlights and how this new stylist at the local hair salon worked a miracle on my hair. (I wanted a Kelly Clarkson look 
Dan said, “You know you paid more for that hair than I get paid to do cataract surgery.”
So, my advice is to tell your D1 how proud you are of her for sticking it out so long for something she didn’t want to do (I.e. the college thing,) then ask her what she’s passionate about. Whatever it is, be her first customer, post it on FB, and shout it from the mountaintops how awesome she is.
And those stylist jobs aren’t going overseas nor replaced by robots anytime soon.
I am going through something similar, having raised a really difficult middle child who is now two years out of college. She eventually found her way, but the differences between her and her younger sister who is a rising senior are striking. The oldest was sort of “medium difficult”, the middle one almost broke us as parents, and this youngest one appears to be “switched at birth” and excels beyond our wildest expectations. I live in fear that she will suddenly morph into child #2. I’m just not sure that anxiety ever goes away… On paper, the older two are actually “smarter”, but neither has the drive of our youngest. I’ve also noticed that the huge differences in achievement and common sense decision-making wreak havoc on the family dynamics. It’s a delicate balance for sure. Best advice I can give it to build on their strengths, whatever they might be.
I really do think this is the bottom line – at least for me. I just want my children in my life, all the rest is extra.
I think it is so much harder to find your niche if you are not a kid who can go to college and go that route. My nephew became a diesel mechanic after doing terribly at college. Another relative is an EMT. While another friend’s daughter does really well at a high end hair salon. All three are happy. It just takes a little time to adjust. Hang in there! Each kid is different.
Too bad my mom died decades ago and I can’t discuss how we three kids were different. I have only one and shouldn’t worry about stuff. Read, hear too much news of young adults gone wrong with fatal results. Being alive, not in jail, self supporting and happy with doing what they do is terrific. Remind self of that often!
To me it’s unfortunate that college is often seen as THE route for most young people. Our S16 was a NMSF, with a 1460 on the old SAT. However, he really dislikes school and has for many years. Therapists/counselors encouraged him to go to college despite his apprehensions, and he crashed and burned. His plan now is to find a job and try classes at the community college in a semester or two. His younger brother, who is a rising senior, likes some classes and loathes others. He says that as long as he finds a major he likes he can get through the other classes. S16 just hasn’t been able to cope with academic writing since high school, and it has caused tremendous anxiety. He’s being treated for anxiety now, so hopefully that will help. S18 has issues with anxiety as well, but academic writing isn’t a problem for him. On the surface their academic records look similar (B student, high test scores), but a closer look shows differences. S16 did very well in advanced math classes; he was doing college level work in high school. He was always in danger of failing Engish, even though he got a 4 on the AP exam. His MO was to do little or nothing and ace the final. Younger brother makes a few C’s, a few A’s, and a bunch of B’s. He’s a huge procrastinator, but usually gets everything, or almost everything, done. We think he’d do well in a small college, but he hasn’t decided if he’s going that direction.
It’s been a challenge, but compared to what my older brother has gone through with his sons it’s been a cakewalk. Both have been in jail, the oldest doing time for burglary and the younger one for drug possession. The younger son has been constantly employed and is married with two kids. The older son is married with one kid but has had a very tough time. I’ve come to believe that if our kids are indepedent, employed, and reasonably happy we’ve done our job.
I have been lucky to know families where non-college options have been embraced. Parents of a kid with LD’s who could have made a go of it in college albeit with a risk of the crash and burn, but instead got a job in a child development center as an aide right out of HS, completed an Associates degree in early childhood one class at a time, and has now been promoted a few times and is a highly valued member of the professional staff (even without a BA). Parents of a kid who is in the Navy and getting trained in some high tech specialty- he plans to go to college once he completes his service. Parents of a kid who worked right out of HS, got an online degree the slow way, and believe it or not, is now at a top law school. And a local police officer who is part of the outreach team (schools, community groups, that type of policing) who graduated from HS and went straight to law enforcement, now doing a degree in criminal justice at night- greatly beloved in the community and a terrific role model for kids who don’t want to do college right away.
These were all nice kids with varying degrees of success in HS-- usually doing well when they were interested, and bombing when they were not. A few years in reality (jury still out on the kid in the Navy) seems to have focused them pretty well, when all the scaffolding and intervention and tutoring wasn’t working.
@mstomper Yes college isn’t for everyone – the trouble is when the student has champagne taste and not the income to match – it is not the norm to skip higher education and make big money- that is just the fact.
Agree- skipping college and making big money is a tough path to follow. But skipping college to work at a job where you can support yourself in a low-end fashion and pay your taxes while you figure out what you want to do with your life is a fine path. Especially if you are lucky enough to have parents who are willing to put aside a bit of money so that when you DO figure out your educational goals (hair styling school, phlebotomy certificate, dental hygenist, BSN) you’ve got some help and a safety cushion.
I think i would talk to the younger DD and say that you are sure that she will do well…but that Big Sis had some issues and the biggest problem was not her issues but that she didn’t reach out for help nor let you all know how you could help. So just emphasize that she shouldn’t be afraid to reach out to you nor college if things aren’t going well for any reason.
@bopper, you’re right on. Our oldest didn’t let us know he was having problems until the year was almost over. Our youngest needs to know that 1) he needs to let us know when he needs help, and 2) he needs to take advantage of available resources wherever he ends up. He feels bad for his brother, but says he’s not really afraid of the same thing happening to him.
I understand your fears entirely. My middle child, 22, was a commended student and AP scholar without opening a book or doing a practice test. Yet, he flunked out of a SUNY. due to anxiety and refusal to write. He’s my smartest kid and I worry about S17 going off to college next month the same way. S17 has LD’s and while he is bright, he is not the brilliant in every subject person that middle son is. So I worry.
OTOH, my oldest son, the kind of person who answers every question on Jeopardy and gets most of them right, hated school. He is ADD inattentive and even with meds couldn’t find it in himself to focus on things that bored him. He’s a mail carrier now and really enjoys it. He makes a decent living, has health insurance and when he is made permanent, will be eligible for pension and retirement benefits. Ironically, he is now talking about going back to school because he thinks he might be interested in moving into management or union activity (one of my uncles was a union president).
There is a place for everyone.
Always hard to project. Do your best to support them when needed, but worrying isn’t helping them or you.
I worry about my kids too, but try to minimize and tell myself they will find their way. You have to believe in them,
who else will ?