Tear apart my common app essay, please?

College Essays
1

<p>I struggled writing this; I am awful at writing about myself. I would love constructive criticism. My trouble areas tend to be:
-Wordiness
-Grammar
-Clarity</p>

<p>Also, I think my conclusion is fairly weak. Message me if you're interested in helping.</p>

2

<p>Hey konayuki,
My name is Marc, we haven’t met but I thought I’d reach out. I direct a consulting firm that specializes in critiquing admission essays (mostly for graduate schools but for undergrads as well) We’re pretty good at what we do and I think we can be of some help to you. You can go to [6</a> Cambridge Ave](<a href=“http://www.6cambridgeave.com/]6”>http://www.6cambridgeave.com/) to check us out, or email me at <a href="mailto:marc.stones@6cambridgeave.com">marc.stones@6cambridgeave.com</a>, either way, I’m here to help!</p>

3

<p>I’d be more than happy to take a look at it for you.</p>

4

<p>PM it to me and I’ll take a look!</p>