<p>I know the title sounds like a joke, but I am practically in tears as I write this. DS has been accepted to some wonderful schools, including UPenn, Duke, UVa, CMU, and has been wait-listed at Cornell. However, since November he has decided that he's tired of working and has to be browbeaten into doing his homework. Now he lies about whether his homework is finished, and his grades, As and B+s the past three years, are sinking into the B and C level. We have coaxed, cajoled, reasoned, yelled, withdrawn privileges, you name it. We never got a chance to visit the schools he was accepted at because he was getting so far behind in his work. I can't describe how upset I am, that such a smart kid would be so STUPID as to risk what he is risking by blowing off his second term work. We even took him to a counselor during the winter but got no appreciable results. Any advice?</p>
<p>A couple of guys (it usually seems to be the guys) in DD's class did this and nothing would convince them it mattered. 2 had their acceptances revoked at the end of the year when the grades were reported. They had to go to the community college and now try to transfer. Is there a guidance counselor with hard facts like this? If nothing shakes him out, then he will suffer the consequences. However, it has to be a bad enough drop to affect the final grades. The 1/2 year ones aren't usually reported. </p>
<p>Alternatively just ask him what he thinks is going on and what he wants out of this. Does he still want to go to college? If yes, state the facts, your position, hold firm to the consequences. Will you let him accept one of the offers and pay the deposit if there is no improvement? Your funds will be at risk. Will he still live with you if they revoke the offer or he says no? What will he have to do? Let him know then stop nagging. He has figured out how to transfer responsibility to you and to drive you crazy. Take the monkey off your back and give it back to him. </p>
<p>Good luck - it is not easy.</p>
<p>This must be really hard. </p>
<p>I don't really have any advice - but I know of kids who did this in their first semester (or year) of college (as opposed to HS). They flunked out, and had a 25-50K price tag to pay for the experience... At least you are not paying for this yet...</p>
<p>No experience with this, but I wonder if visiting a school or two -- maybe an overnight -- that he wants to go to would give him the incentive to pull himself together scholastically.</p>
<p>Maybe he is unconsciously expressing some stress about going away to college, especially at the rigorous ones he has been accepted to. Sometimes our kids aren't as ready to go as we'd think they are. We didn't have this particular problem, but our D just refused to get packed and ready to go until the very last minute, which drove me crazy. I realized afterwards that she was apprehensive about moving so far away. It all worked out.</p>
<p>Since browbeating is not working, I'd try applying virtual duct tape to your mouth and having a glass of wine a little while before he comes home each afternoon to reinforce adult relaxation. Get some non-parental adult to give him some advice about the consequences of grades dropping below Cs in terms of acceptances being revoked. </p>
<p>Then let him make his way through the year with the natural consequences of what he is up to.. Once he has chosen his destination he may get somewhat more serious (but may not let you know it).</p>
<p>If there is something he wants/expects at graduation, you could make that conditional on keeping a certain GPA--but then you have to really hold to it. This is how some of them let go. It is tortuous--but time limited (really only a dozen more weeks!) Lots of boys do this and most of them graduate and survive just fine in the coming year.</p>
<p>Sigh, been there, done that. A 5 on the AP Chemistry test followed by a C in the course second semester. And the first semester... Be sure he is aware of the possibility of losing his admission or any money. Otherwise be thankful he gets a clean slate once he graduates. Follow mmaah's advice, except use masking tape- it's gentler and you don't need to suffer any more, even virtually.</p>
<p>A little bit of this is natural, but your situation is difficult, especially when you consider that your last six months together are going to be marred by all the confrontations.</p>
<p>I have to agree with the others that you need to back off and let the chips fall as they will. As far as college, the policy we have with our boys is that they pay a substantial part of their savings towards the each semester's tuition, and we pay them back on receiving an adequate grade report. Since they are writing a big check for themselves, it carries a lot of weight.</p>
<p>oldtimey, as someone who suffered through the same lack of motivation your son did - it's natural. Completely, utterly, natural. He's put himself under immense pressure (judging by those admissions), for years now. He could use an extended break, and no summer alone doesn't cut it. My grades didn't dip into the C range, but our teachers were fairly understanding. That might not be the case for him.</p>
<p>Let him relax and recharge fully for another 4 years of (possibly) grueling academics. It'll do him good, even if it takes a month or two to readjust to writing essays and doing work freshman year. If you push him too hard, he may burn out in college. And if he worked this hard and motivated himself to get this far, I assure you he'll do so again once he starts class.</p>
<p>Thank you all for such good advice. Right now DS is on his senior class trip to Disney World, and I am so happy that he is there. There were times during the year that we threatened to refuse to pay for, or lately, refuse to let him go on the trip, as punishment for his work lapses. But now that he's there, I'm relieved that we didn't resort to that. He's with his friends, having a good time (he says), being nothing but social for four days. He didn't have much time to have a social life during his four years and he regretted that. That may have been part of the absence of motivation lately. Hopefully, this trip will give him a little boost and get him back on track just enough so he doesn't lose whatever admit he chooses.</p>
<p>I'll chime in again on the importance of recognizing the burn-out factor for these kids. Compared to some of his classmates, my son seemed (to me) a little too laid back and un-ambitious his senior year (though he still worked plenty hard, given how drudgerous some APs are..) He got admitted to the school he wanted and opted to defer for a gap year. Parents of his competitive/ambitious classmates worried if their kids did such a thing they'd "never go back to school" He is now more than happy and working hard and still reflects on how burnt out he was by high school and glad he waited to jump into the intensity of college....Ironically, 3 of his ambitious friends left their top schools after year one, citing a need for a break and a chance to be in a place that felt like a better fit. Another left after sophomore year and is still figuring out what to do next. There is so much going on at this stage developmentally and it is not at all about stats and rankings.</p>