<p>I did a quick scan and don't see a thread for this, and I could use one! My daughter is a freshman at a medium-sized university. She actually started over the summer, and after some initial trepidation, enjoyed herself...but now it's fall and there are ten times as many kids on campus and she is feeling anxious and overwhelmed. She has only been at school for a week (and came home for the weekend) and she is already saying that she thinks she is a homebody who needs to stay home and commute. (The problem is, this college has a program for her that no local college could replicate. The second problem is that I think she would end up being pretty lonely...she is pretty social and I don't think she realizes how isolated she will be if she decides to come home.)</p>
<p>She can't put her finger on what the problem is. She doesn't think it's the academics, and she does have friends from the summer, although she did say that she is having trouble remembering people's names and when they know hers and she doesn't know theirs, she feel awkward, and also that she really doesn't know yet about going to big parties because they are all off-campus and she worries about getting back. (She has never been a partier, but she also went to a tiny school.)</p>
<p>I'm going to start searching for advice threads, but can anyone offer some advice, or have a story about their kid which might help us know what to tell our daughter?</p>
<p>I haven’t been through this scenario with my kids, but I can imagine getting these phone calls and I think you need to council your D to give it time. Tell her you know that doesn’t sound all that helpful, and it would be nice if there were a quick fix, but help her acknowledge to herself that this is a big adjustment, and big adjustments are difficult, even the ones that end up being a great thing. Tell her to plan on finishing the school year, and to keep up her grades in case she does end up wanting to transfer. Give her the common sense advice - join some specific clubs and get involved in one or two activities. And give her some tips on remembering people’s names, but she should feel comfortable just coming out and saying, “Remind me what your name is - I remember talking to you last weekend, I just don’t always remember names very well!” </p>
<p>Hugs to you, because you’ll have trouble feeling happy until she feels happy.</p>
<p>I don’t have experience with this personally, but the advice in post 2 is what I also would recommend. </p>
<p>Also, I would be against my kid coming home on the weekend with any regularity and especially the first weekend of the semester! This is a time to get involved in social things with kids in the dorm, at meals, at social events and to be joining extracurricular groups and such. She is not going to adjust and make these connections if she goes home. </p>
<p>It does take time and no decisions should be made so soon. She should give it a year.</p>
<p>so sorry you have to go through this, I know it is always harder on us! I also recommend getting involved. Social clubs, clubs in her major, etc are all good suggestions. Also, someone else suggested cooking baking if they have a common area kitchen. This will draw people! And last, how about some service organizations? I know my daughter just signed up for big sisters and is volunteering at a local school. She will meet like minded people that way.</p>
<p>If she has a way of getting there then she should have a way of getting back. I would advise her not to go to parties by herself, but go with few good friends. They go together and they come back together - no one gets left behind. At my kid’s school (it’s a big school), they have taxi services. When my older went there she had a car, but the younger one doesn’t, so I have offered to pay for taxis if she needs one in lieu of a car. </p>
<p>My guess is that summer school scene was more manageable as far as meeting people, but with a full campus it is probably overwhelming. Tell her that since everyone is new, there is no need to remember people’s name. I am very bad with names too, so I’ll re-introduce myself again.</p>
<p>I think a lot of kids have trouble with transitions, and didn’t expect to have any trouble with change. Humans have challenges with change, even the most adaptable of us. I think kids spend so much time hearing about how great college will be, how they will meet “the best friends of their life” there, etc… So much emphasis on getting in and very little on how it takes time to settle in to new places.</p>
<p>So, just give her permission to not be ecstatic. 18 year olds can be very black and white. “you don’t have to love it. Life is challenging from time to time. You will figure it out. etc…”</p>
<p>In the meantime, good luck to you. I think it is so difficult for us when our kids are unhappy.</p>
<p>Sorry your D is having a rough start. My D is also a new freshman who launched in mid August, and while she’s enjoying school and keeping very busy, she explained the occasional loneliness to me like this: as a new student, you’re constantly around people and doing things, but it’s not the same as having your close friends around you all the time -those kids you’ve known for years and that you can really be yourself around. She’s wise enough to realize that it will happen with college friends too, but that it will take a while to get there.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice about not coming home for weekends too often this early in the year. This is the time when everyone is in the same situation and it’s relatively easy to find a variety of people to hang out with. I’d also encourage your D to get involved in things that interest her. It’s a great way to meet like minded people and keep busy. </p>
<p>Also agree with Oldfort’s suggestion about parties - go with a group and come back with the same group. My D isn’t a huge drinker, but has enjoyed going to some parties with groups of like minded students and leaving when things start getting uncomfortable for them (too crowded, people too drunk, whatever). </p>
<p>On remembering names, she might take a look at Jerry Lucas’ book on memory.</p>
<p>Something a little more modern would be asking someone if she could take their picture on her phone along with getting their email address (and maybe phone number). This would be useful for asking for information if she had to miss a class.</p>
<p>I feel your pain. My freshman S is feeling overwhelmed. He has some executive function disorder and a lot of anxiety (for many years, not just at college.) The combination is proving difficult. He didn’t quite catch what the prof said in class about, say, the lab and his anxiety is preventing him from asking the teacher directly or someone else in the class. </p>
<p>My H tells him to go to office hours, go to the counseling center, go to the Student Success center, talk to the RA, join a club, go to the gym, ask someone to have coffee-- all of which he is unable to do just yet. </p>
<p>In addition, for some reason his assigned roommate didn’t show up at the school and he is in a room by himself. It is unlikely, apparently, that a freshman will be allowed to have a single room so he doesn’t know if someone will be moving in or if he will be moved to different dorm. This is adding to his anxiety. </p>
<p>This kid is very social-- he makes friends everywhere he goes so I know it will eventually be okay. He just needs a few successes, either academically or socially, so he can relax. But boy it’s tough right now.</p>
<p>RtoR–someone a while back posted a diagram of freshman year moods-- a ‘honeymoon’ followed by disillusionment, then a slow climb to a more stable state. Since your D started in the summer she may be over the honeymoon phase just as a lot of kids here are beginning it. </p>
<p>I think you’re right to counsel her to give it some time, and not be too hard on herself! Plenty of people can’t remember names-- my D has the names but not the faces–and everyone is in culture shock right now.</p>
<p>I think it is completely normal to have this uncomfortable transition. And we also have to live through this parenting transition as well. I want to fix everything and offer solutions to everything, but then I kick myself and try and tell myself this is every bit as important to his development as classes. </p>
<p>I know my son is exhausted because of the loud dorm, not eating that great and I want to rush in and fix it. He will sleep when he is tired and he will figure out the eating stuff when he gets fed up enough with eating junk. </p>
<p>I would highly suggest you not have her come home so much, and so soon. They need to stick it out and get comfortable. I reminded my son - every freshmen is in the same boat - trying to make friends, get acclimated, learn their way around, get into some kind of routine, adjust to a more independent life - it’s a lot. </p>
<p>Hang in there mom. I’m sure you feel way worse than her.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. it is a transition time and works out.
Part of it is confidence…
Your student needs to meet other students, go to club meetings, classes, etc and put herself out there.
She needs to “be a friend” to make friends.
Introduce herself, ask if she can go eat with a neighboring girl etc. that kind of thing.</p>
<p>Many many moons ago I went to school 14 hrs away from home…and so have BTDT.</p>
<p>Don’t make the mistake of having her come home too much…she needs this growing time and building these “muscles”
If she is clinging to highschool friends, spending too much time on FB and looking backwards, it will be harder to move forwards.</p>
<p>Also–she may meet people that are friends “for now” and as she settles will make different friends. That seems to be how it rolls…</p>
<p>Edited to add
Do NOT rescue her… it takes a good bit of time to find your bearings in school
She needs to be equally comfortable alone and in a group
She will find his way
Find classes and the career path that suits her
Learn to do laundry, learn to solve problems like schedule issues, roommate issues etc herself.</p>
<p>Give her room–
tell her you are confident she can handle this, handle the changes, handle making choices for herself…</p>
<p>Don’t “rescue her” from growing up.</p>
<p>Have a glass of wine. I promise this too will pass.</p>
<p>There are a ton of threads like this from the students’ side in the college life forum. It’s a bit of a surprise to see the self-doubt and also see how hard the transition is for many.</p>
<p>RTR - I went through this last year. I got the 12:30AM call, kid crying, lost in the middle of a big city in a toga…alone…yeesh. Hated it, hated the city, totally overwhelmed and wanted to transfer. We made a deal - she had to join two organizations and stick it out until the end of the year. If by Feb/March if she did want to transfer we would support it. Well, she ended up joining a sorority (she definitely isn’t/wasn’t a sorority girl) and she ended up going to Spain for study abroad this past summer only knowing one kid (kindof-met him once)! And she couldn’t wait to move back on campus this year! It turned out that she was in the wrong major and was having a hard time meeting “her people” for a number of reasons. Her major had an 8% acceptance rate and she had worked very hard for a couple years in HS just to get into it. She changed her major 2nd term, loved it, made tons of friends, and easily made deans list. PM me if you want to chat…</p>
<p>My D when she was a freshman (now a sophomore) had very similar experience, couldn’t put her finger on why…at Parents weekend, cried and said she wanted to come home, reapply for school she had turned down and start over next year. We encouraged her to stick it out and by end of the year she was happy and is Loving school this year. Think a lot of kids go through it, hang in there and follow the advice of the wise parents above!</p>
<p>OK…I will be the voice of doom and gloom. D2 knew within a very short period of time she was at the wrong school, in the wrong town and for the wrong reasons. She was a recruited athlete for this OOS university. There were multiple red flags even before classes started: hazing, team drinking, a campus suicide that happened when the team was walking by, and even her campus apartment burned down before she arrived so the uncertainty of where she would live added to the anxiety! The easiest part was playing her sport but even that went wonky when coaches told her she couldn’t register for advanced classes. She was miserable but knew she had to stay there and keep up her grades so she could transfer. She applied, was accepted and now loves her new university. Our words to her were that SHE had to figure things out. She could not walk away from the school between semesters or damage her chances of a transfer to the school of her choice. We supported her with much love but also told her life throws some big curveballs and she had to figure out how to make the best of the situation. It was a very humbling but great learning experience for her but she finished her first year there. I was probably more miserable than her and thought about her every second of every day that she was away but we both survived! :)</p>
<p>I think kids today head off to college with a very idealized vision of what it will be like. The perfect dorm room if you shop at Bed Bath and Beyond. The perfect social life as documented by all your HS friends on their Facebook page. The perfect wardrobe as depicted in an Abercrombie ad spread. The perfect roommate… etc.</p>
<p>I think you can give your D permission not to love everything right now, and to encourage her to walk outside her comfort zone a little. Talk to someone while waiting on line for coffee. Talk to someone new as she’s leaving class. Approach a TA after class to get clarification on something she didn’t understand during the lecture. Even ask the clerk in the bookstore, “am I going to regret spending $300 on a textbook?”</p>
<p>Every little interaction helps her flex the muscle. It may well take her a few months to make an actual friend vs. just someone she knows from her dorm. It may take her the better part of a year to feel integrated into the community and that’s fine.</p>
<p>But starting small… talk to strangers… sign up to organize the coat drive for the homeless in her new community… ask someone in one of her classes if they want to go to Foreign Film Night at the local art cinema…even walking over to a full table at lunch and asking, “is this seat taken”… this is how she will gradually find her sea legs.</p>
<p>And don’t let her come home unless you think she’s on the verge of a psychotic break! Friendships are forged over weekends. She will miss too much socializing if she relies on you to shelter her when she’s feeling down.</p>
<p>If she hangs out in her room tell her to keep her door open - people will stop by and introduce themselves. And vice versa if she sees other people in her dorm with their door open. If there are freshman events on campus (or any events really) tell her to go to them… and maybe sign up for a club or something. She’ll be ok.</p>
<p>Well, we’ve come to the heart of the matter and I’m not sure what to do.</p>
<p>DD called me crying again tonight, with the whole story.</p>
<p>There is a girl in her dorm that she used to know in middle school, who bullied her. DD went to private school for high school and became a whole different person in the process…she was a mouse in middle school and became an outgoing, confident (or so I thought) person during high school. When she saw this girl, she decided that she would show her the new person she became, and has made an effort to say hello to her and smile at her, etc. But apparently, the girl completely ignores her, turning her head the other way when DD says hello, etc. Now my DD is afraid that the girl is going around saying things about her to the other kids in the dorm. When we finally got to the crux of the matter, she started hysterically crying and saying that this is what her homesickness/not wanting to be there is all about. </p>
<p>I told her that (a) it doesn’t matter what this girl says, that everyone will know how warm and sweet my DD is just by meeting her (and she really is a warm person…not a mean bone in her body) and (b) it seems unlikely that this girl really would go around and do this, but also (c) if the girl isn’t friendly, then there is no reason for her to try so hard to keep smiling at her! But DD is letting this girl’s presence color her whole feeling about things socially. Apparently she has already seen this girl be mean to another girl with Asperger’s who lives in the dorm.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what to do. I don’t think this is the kind of thing that one can go to an RA about…I mean, the girl could be doing absolutely nothing. Maybe my DD just has to have more confidence in herself. However, if the girl really is going around badmouthing her, I don’t want to discount it by telling DD that it’s probably not happening. (This girl was a very insidious type of bully in middle school…I remember it very well! Sometimes she would just turn around in her seat and stare at DD. So if she’s still doing the same type of thing, I could see why DD is so upset and why she has this sense about it but can’t prove it. But if she isn’t, then I have to try to tell DD not to imagine something that probably isn’t happening.) It’s really too bad they are in the same dorm, although this is the main freshman dorm on campus.</p>
<p>Ick…I really thought this stuff went away after high school…but on the other hand, I know plenty of adults that badmouth each other so I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised!</p>
D2 knew within a very short period of time she was at the wrong school, in the wrong town and for the wrong reasons. She was a recruited athlete for this OOS university. There were multiple red flags even before classes started: hazing, team drinking, a campus suicide that happened when the team was walking by, and even her campus apartment burned down before she arrived so the uncertainty of where she would live added to the anxiety! The easiest part was playing her sport but even that went wonky when coaches told her she couldn’t register for advanced classes. She was miserable but knew she had to stay there and keep up her grades so she could transfer. She applied, was accepted and now loves her new university. Our words to her were that SHE had to figure things out. She could not walk away from the school between semesters or damage her chances of a transfer to the school of her choice. We supported her with much love but also told her life throws some big curveballs and she had to figure out how to make the best of the situation. It was a very humbling but great learning experience for her but she finished her first year there. I was probably more miserable than her and thought about her every second of every day that she was away but we both survived! :)</p>