<p>Since your daughter has been friendly and has been ignored, I would suggest she put this girl out of her mind and not focus on her at all. It sounds like this girl has not changed, as she has been unkind to a student with Aspersers. Eventually, most others in the dorm will see this girl for who she is, and your daughter for who she is. Your daughter cannot control what this girl says or does; only what she does. Tell your daughter not to allow herself to be influenced by this girl. She should not give up her power to this girl. She should be cordial, but try to avoid her, imo.</p>
<p>Tell your daughter the old bully is ignoring her for a variety of reasons, and none of them matter. My daughter was bullied and that same bully went to her highschool. My daughter knew she didn’t have to prove anything to thay mean girl anymore.</p>
<p>In college, it becomes pretty clear who is still an immature brat and mean kid and they don’t get very far with their gossip and childlike bullying if the try. </p>
<p>If this were my daughter I would tell her to pretend the old buly did not exist. They don’t matter and they have no power. I would tell her to befriend in some capacity the girl with asbergers. And just be her cheerful special self. Crying over an old bully is giving the bully power. My daughters bully used to do the staring thing as well. My daughter didn’t know what to do. I suggested she muster all her in strength and when the bully stared, tp smile and give a little wave. And keep doing it. After a while the bully stopped as she wasn’t getting the response she wanted. My daughter didn’t try and engage this girl, but didn’t let the mean girl affect her. Inside it was tough, but on the outside, it worked. </p>
<p>Ask your daughter to try and imagine the reaction of other college students to what the bully might be saying, which I seriously doubt and how ridiculous people with think the bully is. Oh see Becky, in middle school she was such a loser. How would your daughter react if someone told her that about a girl in her dorm. Bet your daughter would look at the person talking middle school stuff like they were sad and pathetic. So that’s how others would see the old bully, and that’s if she is even saying anything, which I doubt.</p>
<p>Your daughters reaction is a serious over reaction. She needs to step back, breath, and see that she has nothing to fear.</p>
<p>Best thing your daughter can do is stay and step up. If she doesn’t now then she will let garbage that hap penes when see was 12 affect her for a long time and the bully wins.</p>
<p>RtoR – Big hugs to you. I know that crying phone call all too well (3 years ago), and it’s just awful.</p>
<p>I don’t think there’s much point in trying to figure out what’s actually happening – i.e., is the girl really that mean, or is your D imagining it? The only thing that matters is how your D is perceiving it, and how she’s reacting to that perception. </p>
<p>For some reason, she doesn’t feel she can just ignore this girl and strike out in a different direction to find friends. I think it’s very important for her to find one or more activities where she will meet other kids. As she begins to get involved in a club, activity, or sport, she’ll become less fixated on this girl.</p>
<p>Validate her feelings. Don’t try to talk her out of feeling the way she feels. </p>
<p>At the same time, don’t let yourself get sucked into her misery, or at least, don’t show her that you are. You have to be the calm one. Let her know that you believe in her, and that you know she will figure this out.</p>
<p>I agree with others – She needs to understand clearly that you expect her to stay for the full year. And don’t let her come home for weekends.</p>
<p>If she doesn’t begin to pull out of this fairly soon, insist that she go to the counselling center. They are well-equipped to handle freshman-adjustment issues, and usually advice comes better from someone other than a parent.</p>
<p>How awful for your daughter. My daughter had a bully just like that through middle school. She made her life miserable. </p>
<p>I agree with Seahorsesrock- I would just add that you tell your daughter she is strong enough to handle this. Your daughter has obviously matured since high school but this bully girl has not. If she is spreading rumors about your daughter it will likely backfire. </p>
<p>If you think your daughter is too distressed let her come home on the weekend but have her see a therapist to help her put this in perspective. </p>
<p>Good Luck to both of you, I know this is hard on you also.</p>
<p>Wellspring – hugs to you too. </p>
<p>Because of your son’s executive function disorder, you might need to take a more active role. He needs to get plugged in somewhere; is there anything you can do to absolutely insist he go to the counselling center?</p>
<p>It’s bad that he has no roommate. I’d call Residence Life about this; if they drag their feet, enlist the help of the counselling center or the freshman dean.</p>
<p>One thing my D did which your son may be able to do: She’d take a book out into a public place – the dorm lounge, the quad, the student union – and just sit down and read. It put her “out there” without looking like she was trolling for friends. She was able to feel somewhat safe by burying her nose in the book, but she did end up meeting people this way.</p>
<p>This bully maybe embarrassed and that’s why she is not acknowledging your daughter. Even if we assume this bully is continuing her old MO, so what. College is not middle school, kids are more mature and are busier. They are not going to engage in immature practice from middle school. This bully may find she has no friends if she continues to bully other kids.</p>
<p>When D1 was a freshman, a guy said to her that he would never date an Asian girl. D1 didn’t have any attraction for this guy, but it did make her feel bad (she is half Asian). But everyone at the dinner table told this guy he was an idiot and many kids decided not to be his friend. Few months later, this guy was in a relationship with an Asian girl. </p>
<p>It is hard to shake off our childhood demons. It is perfectly normal for your D to be upset, but she needs to try to get over it, it is part of maturity. I would tell my kid to carry on as normal, make a lot of friends, to let this bully know that she no longer has any effect on D’s life.</p>
<p>Back when our kids were really little, several parents were taking at a work event or something and they all pretty much said that they told their kids as they went off to college that they could not come home for the first 6 weeks. That was something I remembered and we did the same with our older two and will do the same with our twins going off next year. They did that because it gave the kids a “date” of how long the adjustment period would probably take and it also forced the kids to make a good go of it. Now, if there was something seriously wrong, obviously we wouldn’t make them stay but again, it just gives them a time frame. By 6 weeks into the school year they have found their routine, made some friends, gotten involved so when they do come home it’s kind of boring and they can’t wait to go back :D.</p>
<p>ugh. those middle school girl bullies are the absolute worst. I would suggest that the biggest thing the bullied takes away from all of that is a sense of shame and that the best thing she can do is to find a sense of humor about it, if possible, and to be VERY open about it, if possible.</p>
<p>Most girls run accross one of these creatures from the black lagoon during their early adolescence and will not find it strange when your daughter jokes about, “Well, nice to see the middle school mean girl made it to college.”</p>
<p>The more she can just be open about it, the less shame she will feel, the less she will even care, the less anyone else will care. But, also, she might find a counselor for a few sessions on this, and new ways to see herself. This stuff tends to keep coming up in life until it no longer matters.</p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for the support and suggestions. I have to admit…it’s hard to get through the day waiting to see what happened to her each day and how she is feeling. In theory, it’s easy to tell someone to stand up for themselves, and that no one is that immature anymore, etc…but I’m sure we all know what it’s like. I faced a middle school bully who is now a famous actress, and when she was more popular, I couldn’t stand to see her on TV. (She actually fell from grace rather publicly about ten years ago and I can’t say that I didn’t take some pleasure from it!) And this girl definitely still seems like she is in middle school. Remember the girl with Asperger’s? There is picture on the bully’s Facebook page of her and the girl, that someone else posted with a backhanded comment about how the Asperger girl is “engaging in conversation” with bully. Bully wrote underneath the picture, “Help me.” The poor Asperger girl is FB friends with her so can see the picture and the comment, although I’m not sure if she would understand. My daughter saw it and understood right away that this group is basically making fun of this girl. So this is also fueling her feelings that she will be next, even though she doesn’t have the same issues.</p>
<p>My daughter is seeing a social worker at the school about it. I hope that helps. I did tell her to talk to some of her friends about it. It’s tricky because a few of them have also become friends with the girl. I really do feel so bad about this whole thing. Of all the colleges in the world…</p>
<p>RtR–</p>
<p>Believe me, I’m not trying to minimize it. I know that those girls do so much damage… it has to do with the age, I think, more than anything else, and it’s painful, and I’m glad she has someone to talk about it with.</p>
<p>I’m just suggesting that part of the power those girls have is the silence around it and the “seriousness” of the way they are treated, and that a sense of joking and humor steals their power and lightens the sense of doom that comes with it. That’s all.</p>
<p>But, I know it kinda sux. Also, though, karma will come around. As you experienced with your actress tormentor.</p>
<p>RTR - ugh. It’s one thing to be on the outside and tell you what a life lesson will be for your d, it’s another thing to be the mom as she learns this lesson.</p>
<p>At least you now know the problem and kudos to her for going to see someone about it. I won’t even go to high school reunions because I don’t like to go back to that period of time and who I was then compared to now. And I’m 46!</p>
<p>I seriously doubt anyone in college will listen to her tales of your d from middle school. Hasn’t everyone watched Mean Girls by now? I just don’t think dorms have popular and unpopular cliques. If anything Glee has made the underdog more accessible and popular.</p>
<p>Hopefully by focusing on her classes, making new friends and frankly - ignoring this girl - she will be able to move on. In my dream world your d would confront this girl and tell her she made her life a living hell in middle school but she no longer has any power over her. Maybe she could just say it to herself.</p>
<p>My heart aches more for the girl with aspbergers and how anxious her parents must be and how devastated they’d be if they knew about what was going on.</p>
<p>RTR - Now I understand…my D was also bullied in middle school and she did attend private HS. However, I think if your daughter “runs” from this and does not stick it out then she maybe setting herself up for a life time of running. Help your D understanding that mean girls are probably the most insecure people around and they sometimes never change. Easier said than done, she should ignore her and just continue meeting new people. If this girl crosses her path she should considering confronting her and calling her out on her behavior. People will soon see (and stay away from) toxic girls…most kids going to college are trying to get away from that, not continue it.</p>
<p>RTR- I had a nice post for you, but I got timed out (again) and it was lost. I doubt I could reiterate all of it, but the gist is this- no way in life to avoid bullies or gossip. We can have a boss or a subordinate that does this to us. We have to learn how to handle it. It is bad timing for her, since this is a whole new experience on top of it, but she needs to figure it out. I wish I had learned way back when how to tell people what I wanted to say rather than bottling it all up, but it took me years and years. If someone is rude to her face, she should engage with that person as little as possible.</p>
<p>One good rule is not to gossip about yourself. She can talk to you, but don’t start telling the kids at school stories from years ago. I don’t know how big the school is, but hopefully it is large enough that she really does not need to even know this girl anymore.</p>
<p>Sorry that you and your D are going through this.</p>
<p>SteveMA, my parents wouldn’t let me go home until Thanksgiving my first year! I was only about half an hour away; it did make me develop a social life and figure out my college town. Not sure I will be quite so Draconian with D2 (who may end up at a school within an hour of home), but I think your suggestion of 6 weeks is a good one.</p>
<p>intparent, my mom still mentions her dad telling her (in 1956!) that she couldn’t come home until Thanksgiving, and they weren’t going to visit her, either (he had good intentions, too). She got very homesick and started losing weight. A friend’s parent called my grandparents and told them they’d better hightail it to Austin to see their daughter, so they did.</p>
<p>Now that we see that there is a specific cause for the OPs daughter’s issues, this might not be germane to that specifically, but I’m the one who posted the article about the “W Curve” and the first year of college. It’s handed out to parents and on the website for my D’s school:</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.sandiego.edu/documents/parents/TheWCurveRevised.pdf[/url]”>http://www.sandiego.edu/documents/parents/TheWCurveRevised.pdf</a></p>
<p>I think it’s a really nice, simple way of looking at the first year. </p>
<p>There’s a lot of great advice here. Our school emphasized (and it’s been echoed by other friends of mine who have been through this) that we must direct our kids back to where they are to solve these problems. Ask them “Is there something you can do THERE to solve this problem?” “Is there someone THERE who you can talk to about solving this problem?”. In other words, not rescuing them as posted above. Helping them become problem-solvers instead. </p>
<p>Love to you, OP and others having issues. This is so hard, isn’t it?!</p>
<p>I just want to add my moral support to anyone whose kid is having a few bumps at school. My D had a very rough first semester last year - much due to real issues, and some due to stresses she let get the better of her. </p>
<p>My remarks on the subject would be this:</p>
<p>1) Time does make a huge difference. Sometimes they just have to digest what’s happening.
2) Giving them options that put them in control of their lives is really helpful. Let them think about changing majors, or transferring. Let them take charge of making changes. Usually they find they don’t have to follow through, but they feel powerful if the choice is up to them.
3) Going through a hard transition like this teaches them what works and what doesn’t work, better than almost any other experience. My D learned so much about herself in the difficult times last fall; second semester she made changes that helped her immensely, and this fall she has made changes that have helped her even further. She also has come to believe that she has the ability to take on these challenges and come out successfully.
4) We did need to tell her at times that she had to “fish or cut bait,” essentially. We had to ask her not to call us and complain, if she couldn’t talk about solutions. We were supportive, but we made her face the situation. We did visit her - in her case, that was better than having her come home, but I could imagine with another kid it might work better the other way.</p>
<p>I agree with the 6-week experiment. By the time I could get out there, she’d had 6 weeks, and her mood and coping ability were greatly improved. There were times we wondered if we should intervene, but we never quite hit a danger point, fortunately. </p>
<p>A huge objective for her this year is to help freshmen acclimate. One of her biggest issues last year was that the upperclassmen assigned to mentor her were too busy/inattentive to give her the support she really needed, and she doesn’t want anyone to have that experience.</p>
<p>Best wishes to everyone!</p>
<p>I want to thank everyone for the advice. A lot of people said not to let her come home, but so many kids either leave on the weekends or live just a few minutes away that I didn’t think that would be right in this case.<br>
This weekend she did stay Friday night (and went into the city with some friends) and came home today…she will go back tomorrow. She hasn’t seen the girl recently which has helped. She says she still feels a little homesick for her bedroom at home and for her family, and she doesn’t feel like she has found “her people” yet but she is trying. (She has met tons of people but it’s hard sometimes to make the next step and spend time with them, especially if they don’t live in her dorm.) I will keep you posted, and thanks again for this advice.</p>
<p>Jaylynn - love the W curve I will be sharing…</p>
<p>Ready to Roll - I never really expereinced bullying b/c I’ve had pollyanna glasses on - I was always told that people who say mean things or act meanly have something wrong within themselves. So I always felt sorry for them vs. being scaird by them. Jerks are jerks - too bad for them, lets go have fun, study, work, clean my room, whatever! It served me well. I still work with people that have “bully style” issues- “what the heck is the matter with them? it’s not me” I try to call a spade a spade if even it is only in my head - no bad mouthing to others.
Heading toward my 25HS reunion & have been told recently that I stepped in & defended others - I don’t really remember - but makes me feel good. 
Best to your D- she is smart, brave, talented and good.</p>