<p>Okay, maybe I lied. This isn't an SAT essay. In fact it's a college application essay, but you should still read it. Kind of inspired me for tomorrow actually...</p>
<p>3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR
COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER,
WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE
HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT
HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?</p>
<p>I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.</p>
<p>Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.</p>
<p>I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.</p>
<p>Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.</p>
<p>I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured
New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. </p>
<p>My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.</p>
<p>I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know
the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.</p>
<p>I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven.</p>
<p>I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.</p>
<p>I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.</p>
<p>But I have not yet gone to college.</p>