The Coddling Crisis

Parents Forum
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<p>Strike a resonant chord with anyone else?</p>

<p>
[quote]
The Coddling Crisis: Why Americans
Think Adulthood Begins at Age 26
Wall Street Journal, January 6, 2005; Page D1</p>

<p>There's a crisis of coddling in American families.</p>

<p>It's evident in the frantic efforts of parents who write their children's college-application essays, then provide long-distance homework hand-holding after their kids hit campus.</p>

<p>We see it in the millions of 20-somethings who have moved back in with mom and dad. And we notice it in the workplace, where entry-level employees expect bosses to look after them the way their mothers do.</p>

<p>These signs of "extended adolescence" have been building for years, of course, yet the answer isn't as simple as "Just let go already!" Family dynamics in our culture have been changed by divorce, the high cost of living, latchkey childhoods, and the trend of delayed marriage and parenthood."</p>

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<p>Nice article. There's a very good book that focuses on this situation. "The Myth of Maturity" by Terri Apter (2001). Tries to answer the big questions: Why do so many responsible and motivated teenagers become young adults who are still dependaent, financially and emotionally, on their parents? Why are so many young people today so quick to leave childhood behind, but so slow to become adults?</p>

<p>The author (researcher out of Cambridge, England) is compassionate and wise and tells a lot of stories that help flesh out her advice.</p>

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<p>"Why do so many responsible and motivated teenagers become young adults who are still dependaent, financially and emotionally, on their parents? Why are so many young people today so quick to leave childhood behind, but so slow to become adults?"</p>

<p>Because life is scary. There, I answered your question in 4 words and for FREE. No book to buy for that.</p>

<p>I think I am having a quarter life crisis before reached a quarter of my life. I hope the mid-life crisis doesn't sneak up early on people....</p>

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<p>There is so much affluence these days and little is spared in raising kids. We want to give them everything. It's a rough transition from upper middle class where many of these families are or even just taken care of in families that are not in that income bracket to poverty level. When I went to college many years ago, it was a huge step up for me in life. My room at home was basically an alcove, the whole family shared one bath, I had to take two buses to get to school and it took me about an hour and a half. We lived so far from everything that it took a lot of planning for me to be able to go out and have fun with friends. College in that sense was a paradise, everything right there! We never ate out and I bought maybe a half dozen sandwiches from the cafeteria in highschool. I always packed. Every school day I was up packing my lunch, a drink in a thermos or I went hungry. Movies were rare, any outside entertainment was a real treat. In many ways a college campus was Disney World for me. It didn't bother me an iota that I could not afford to eat at the nearby deli; the cafeteria was a luxery for me. These days kids are much more affluent. The areas around most colleges have dozens of eateries and choices. I see kids packed in the Starbucks, even highschoolers. I would have never dreamed of PAYING for tea or coffee. Of course these kids, my kids would rather not move out of their nice homes into what they can afford with their first jobs. I would not either.</p>

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<p>I think jamimom is onto the answer - we are seeing the first generation ever which is unlikely to have a higher standard of living than their parents. When we left the nest, even if we took a temporary step down, we had some sense that there were rewards to moving away from the family home. That is not so clear now.</p>

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<p>My dad had never gotten a christmas gift or anything untill he met my mom. His family just didn't have money for it. I have no problem with moving away from here, and I can't imagine why anyone would want to live at home forever.. I mean I like it here and everything, but you have to grow up sometime...</p>

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<p>I often worry that I have raised my children to think life is easier than it is. Raised in poverty, anything was upward for me. What Texas137 says about our children doing less well than we did is of great concern to me. My oldest faced college rejections which were unexpected as we were naive about the current situation. We are seeing kids from good colleges underemployed. At my law firm, only the very best from the top 5 schools get a chance to even try for partnership. This is a hard world for children raised in comfort. I wonder how to prepare them.</p>

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<p>I wish Dollar Tree Sold EVERYTHING. Then life would be afforable for almost everyone. :P</p>

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<p>haha :) I love dollar stores... we have a Dollar land near here, and it's got a grocery store in it and everything.. I don't shop there though :)</p>

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<p>I wish dollar tree was a grocery store, clothing store, pet store, toy store, a car dealer, etc. Walmart would fold up immediately.</p>

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<p>The problem with the dollar store being a car dealership would be that the cars would be of lesser quality than a matchbox :)</p>

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<p>What happened to all the parents?? i thought they were going to answer my problems under that high school job post thing.</p>

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<p>Interesting article. To add to that, my AP psych teacher gave us an article to respond to this week entitled, "A nation full of wimps!" I find the subject quite interesting because I only have my mother, and she is the opposite of an "overprotective parent." I find that I am ready to leave the nest, be independent in all ways - emotionally, financially etc. My family went through quite a few ordeals (homelessness, for over a year, i had major back surgery fresh year, and during this same time, my parents split) and I guess that's what taught me what was real and what didn't matter. I see too many of my friends who were over shielded (out of goodhearted parents) but now they have problems with things that I find trivial. I hear them complain about not getting what they want, their parents being mean, and overall, trivial things, even though it may seem major to them. I know that I have less than most of them - I even have to share a room with my mom.
But, what I wanted to mention here was my mom's particular parenting that has really worked out for me and helped me become independent. She's an immigrant and has had it quite tough (now she's almost deaf, out of work and suffering from fibromyalgia) yet, she's always there for me. This is in a healthy way in that, she's there to talk, to say hi, and just to give me a smile, but not there when I don't need her. When I'm doing homework, she'll ask, if i've got everything under control with the workload and all I have to give her is a simple, "yea," and she's satisfied. She doesn't hover over me asking what each assignment is or if i need help - and truthfully, she really couldn't help even if i asked. Last year, when it came to visiting colleges and spending my summer at a university, she left it all up to me. I did my research, I looked up the information and she was just there to ask if there was anything she could do and remind me to keep track of deadlines. She was there to support me and my endeavors. When I visited Williams and Amherst, she helped out with the forms and transportation. I love her for being there when I need her, but backing away when I can take advantage of my independence.
Financially, we have had very little to work with and so through her, I have learned about budgeting. Amazing how much you can save when you cut out the frills in life. Hah, since I make my own money I even bought my own car and she and I cover the insurance together. The point of this is that, I believe for a teenager to fully appreciate and understand life, they have to take part in it, the good AND the BAD. I can tell you that the best thing my mom ever did is listen. Even when she doesn't completely understand the whole topic, she sits, smiles and listens to me. When tough times came, she was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, but I guess in my case, it was impossible for her to protect me from life. The taste I got of life, even though it gave me nights of grief and tears, made me a better person. I know when I go to college, it was because I wanted to go there and study ... not because my mom made me visit and she MADE me go to college... it's because I chose to do so. For me, this is one of my major steps of independence. One thing to note her also.... sometimes teenagers like to complain (if you haven't noticed yet lol) but... what I have found best is that I just needed my mom to listen... to give advice on how I could solve the problem myself, not solve it for me or give me step by step instructions. As long as I knew she was there if I stumbled, it was good.... but I didn't need her holding my hand, or telling me "if you only listened to me... or you should have done this.... etc." Learning on my own has definitely helped make me who i am today.
Anyways, those are just my two cents. I know not all parents are like this, but believe me, i have met some who are doing everything for their kid. I was at Uconn for their talented/gifted program this summer and some of the kids i met were there because their parents made them.... and you could tell that their effort was mediocre because their hearts weren't into it. As for that program, I loved every minute of it and never missed home. For me though, because this whole college search has been my project, and is going to be my choice - I love it! I can't wait to go. This is my adventure and I want to take advantage of it because this is all for my future. My mom has been there when times were tough and probably did the best thing for me in never complaining, or arguing, but just showing me by example, how to make best with what you've got. And for me, going to college and doing well is my way of showing her that I love her and want to make her proud.
Here's the site with the article <a href="http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20041112-000010.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20041112-000010.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

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<p>I don't really agree. All the kids I see locally are entirely in charge of directing their life. Those who move back home do so for financial reasons. Hey, it's really hard to earn enough to keep yourself, buy a house- if you are married or starting a family, live in a safe neighborhood , have a car, insurance, to commute to work. Plenty of kids get themselves in debt and financial trouble before they come home and then it is with their tail between their legs. How do you know what is really going on? I know one neighborhood boy who graduated college in computer engineering and it took him 1 year to find a job in his field. I don't think I would ask the parents concerning this one. I think I would ask the kids.
Also, the coddling does not occur strickly here in the U.S.A.Do you know anything about the Italians! Italy is not reproducing itself because Italian men have it so good at home! This is true!</p>

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<p>We are considered borderline abusive because we "sent" our child away for school. (He wanted to go...parameters were "not in TX not touching TX") There are a large number of parents who want their children to stay here and do two years at the CC and then finish at U of Houston Victoria...thereby never moving out of the city--ever. Most of the kids never learn to be responsible financially or otherwise until they at least move out of the house. I do know one person that has a novel approach. The son is living in the house that used to be owned by the grandparents. He is in charge of the upkeep, and is charged just enough rent by his parents to make it pinch. Halfway.</p>

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<p>I sent my 2nd far away to college and she stayed there. Believe me, now that she is expecting 1st child I wish she lived closer.</p>

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<p>What is all of this talk about "buying a house"..."live at home to save for a house"??...I lived in a hovel in NYC for 15 years after college and after my husband and I saved we bought our first modest home..we were almost 40!......I'd rather live in a hole and be independent than live with Mommy and Daddy and then buy a house at 27...I know its a good investment, but so is learning to be independent.</p>

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<p>I must be tired: I misread the title of this thread as "The Cuddling Crisis" and I thought it was going to be about hugging your kids!</p>

<p>I have seen lots of families where the kids are pushed out and made to "be independent" very early--and I've seen others where they are supported, sometimes financially, well into the late 20s. Like so much else, I think it depends on the kids, the parents, the finances, and everything else. In places where rent is cheap and houses are affordable, it's a lot easier for kids to move out! And there are cultures that emphasize close families and multi-generational living, too. I know several families around here where three and even four generations are sharing houses, some of them with multiple kitchens to make it easier.</p>

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<p>Well, in recent years, the economy has been pretty bad. It's becoming more and more important to get a graduate degree for entry-level positions. Rent, at least in/outside of Boston, is unbelievable. When kids are packing four to a apartment (total of about ten in a house) and being happy to pay "only" $700/month - well - living at home is looking like a better option. I lived at home to save for law school; my parents didn't see the need for me to spend my money on rent instead of education.</p>

<p>Flip side is that, back in your day, most parents didn't give their kids very much when they went to college. Kids spent the money they earned; if they were lucky, the parents would pay tuition, room/board, and books. Now, many parents send their kids allowances and pay for their clothing (my parents haven't taken me clothes shopping since high school), cell phones, whatever. The result is that you have 22-year old college grads who a) don't know what it costs to maintain their lifestyle b) don't have good jobs c) need to save for grad school and d) would have to spend a fortune on rent. So they live at home. Not glamourous, but functional. </p>

<p>Also, kids are getting married later these days; very few people of my age really want to settle down or even think they are mature enough for marriage. Given the divorce rates of people who marry young, it's probably a wise decision.</p>

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<p>Ariesathena, please keep posting here sometimes. Your insights into being a daughter-of-someone is pretty insightful. Not having been born in this country and raising a kid here, it helps to know what it is like to be a child here (I mean a son/daughter, not a child per se).</p>