<p>My D and I were walking yesterday -- after a college tour in which doubles, triples, de-tripling, quads, and other arrangements were discussed -- through a dorm area like so many you see on campuses; the buildings were huge and anonymous, and practically nobody was outside.</p>
<p>I was thinking: dorm living is a unique experience, perhaps only shared by reality-show contestants and prisoners -- a bunch of people who don't know each other and may not have others' best interests at heart are forced to live together in close quarters in a 'secure' area. You will like it or you will lump it, but there you are. </p>
<p>This may be the first and only experience many people have of ever living with people they don't know, and these kids are mostly around age 18. They are immediately confronted with the shared bathrooms, the availability of alcohol, drugs, sex and unusual behaviors of all kinds. Colleges have a sort of 'stewardship', but it's expected that, by the time people reach age 18 they can handle independent living and the choices presented. Can they? Actually?</p>
<p>What's remarkable is that generations of students have done well with this set-up. When you think about it, though, isn't it amazing?</p>
<p>I never lived in a dorm so it just seems so ... weird. But, my kids do and will live in dorms and it hasn't always been perfect, but they are fine with the whole thing.</p>
<p>Our kids both lived in the dorms for two years, then in off campus housing. Neither had ever shared a bedroom before. I think there are many kids who are used to having their own rooms and college is their first experience having to share a living/sleeping space. And to top it off…one of my kids had a dorm room (double) that was smaller than the bedroom he had at home (for only himself). </p>
<p>You know…both of my kids survived and actually learned a lot about how to deal with folks who didn’t think the same way, share the same interests, have the same tolerance for a mess (or cleanliness), had different study habits and friends, etc. Their dorm situations were not always ideal but they worked. </p>
<p>My only objection…the cost. We were paying over $600 a month just for a room (board costs were an additional $600 or so a month). I thought that was mighty pricey for one of my kids who was living in a dorm that was built (and had not been renovated except to put in internet access) in the '70’s.</p>
<p>It used to be far more common – more children sharing bedrooms, overnight camps for long or short periods (including scout camps and camping trips), work camps, young people staying at the Y when they moved to a city, young women staying in women’s boarding houses like the Barbizon, and, of course, army barracks. College dorms were not unique at all as an experience for someone between the ages of, say, 12 and 25.</p>
<p>I was 20 when I started living in dorms and I have difficulty with it-- not making good choices myself but tolerating all the kids that don’t and then inconvenience ME with their bad judgment. Though, on the whole, I think most people do okay. They make mistakes, they learn (even if it takes them a semester or two of mistakes), and they are more adaptable people for it. The difference between dorming and a reality show is that the reality show actors are paid to create drama and in a dorm it is in the best interest of everybody to act as a community, as best as the maturity of 18 year olds allows. </p>
<p>I think more difficult, from my observations on my floor, is that so many people come in with the expectation that they are going to make lots of friends right away and the people they live with are just automatic candidates, and then if that doesnt happen they feel like they’ve done something wrong (or lost their chance to make friends at school altogether, what better opportunity will you get than the people you live with and you BLEW IT!), or they force friendships that arent even that satisfying just for the appearance of having friends, which perpetuates the feeling for the kids who didn’t make friends that they’ve missed out on something. Among other expectations of college life. I think dorming shatters a lot of those very early on and some kids end up with no idea what to think anymore and decide they hate college altogether (just check out the college life forum for proof of that.) It’s very weird. It’s not just throwing in a bunch of kids together who may not be looking out for others best interest, but throwing in a lot of emotionally vulnerable kids with a lot of outlandish expectations about college life on the whole tied to the dorming experience.</p>
<p>We have a “bunk” room in our home. The boys all shared it for years. As they got to be 15 or so they wanted their own spaces and slowly appropriated a bedroom eventually leaving the youngest all by himself as the oldest headed off to college and vacated a bedroom. My sister and I shared a bedroom back when we were young until my parents moved to a new home. Camps usually entailed 6 or more kids in one room for a summer. Communal living definitely has it’s ups and downs but it seems these days more kids have a nice bedroom to themselves practically from birth. Living with another person in the room doesn’t seem to phase my kids but the interesting “deal breaker” it seems for my kids were not the dorm rooms, but the bathrooom. S2 just "x"ed a college he’d been admitted to because they had nothing available for freshman except bath down the hall type dorms. So far the oldest and now the 2nd absolutely refuse to live in a dorm with down the hall baths. As my oldest said, “if you absolutely can’t stand your roommate you move somewhere else, what’s the big deal.” I think boys tend to be more blase about stuff like that.</p>
<p>We have had this EXACT same conversation in our house. I find it very odd that you are suddenly suppose to room with someone you don’t know, may have absolutely nothing in common with and it is suppose to be okay. As you say, it has been done this way for years and years. I don’t know if that makes it optimum, but that is how it is set up at most colleges. I feel we often expect our kids to do things that we would never do at this stage of our lives and we expect them to be okay with it. Sort of like in elementary school when the teacher would sit my kid next to the troublemaker because my kid was the “good influence”. I would tell my husband that if that troublemaking kid was an adult, he wouldn’t spend five minutes with them. Why should our child be subjected to having to sit next to them and tolerate the behavior all day, five days a week? Just another example of expecting kids to tolerate something just because that is the way adults have arranged it to be. </p>
<p>Both of my children lived in or are living in a dorm situations. My older daughter lived in a suite style set up for four girls all four years. She shared a bedroom with another girl 3 of the 4 years (got her own room the year she was president of the scholarship hall). There were problems and drama of all different varieties through the years, but she made it through okay. She stayed in the living arrangement because it was located on campus close to classes and the scholarship hall was such a nice facility.</p>
<p>Younger daughter lived in a double room freshman year. Roommate was fine, they just had nothing in common and lived parallel lives. My D is a neat freak and premed, so studies A LOT. Roommate’s side of the room looked like a bomb went off and never seemed to study. Sophomore year D was in a suite that had four single bedrooms. When she walked into her little room she said, “AH, my OWN space!” I think having your own space to retreat to, no matter how small, makes all the difference in the world. At least it did for my D. She could socialized with the roommates when she wanted and head to her room to study or sleep when she was ready. She will also stay on campus all four years because she wants to be close to the classroom buildings and frankly, she is too busy and has no desire to cook for herself or clean an apartment.</p>
<p>This is one of the small things I really appreciate about my son’s college. Incoming frosh fill out a detailed (I want to say 14-page, but that sounds long and I haven’t seen it) housing survey. It covers everything from sleep and study habits to neatness, drinking/smoking/substances to their comfort level with sharing a bathroom with members of the opposite sex. Interests, religion, politics, and how comfortable they are with the thought of living with someone who doesn’t share them. Parents aren’t supposed to see the survey, because the college wants absolute truthfulness on it (which made for an interesting exchange in parent orientation, when a mom complained about her daughter sharing a bathroom with guys and was told that the daughter had said she was fine with that on the survey! :eek:)</p>
<p>My son is in a dorm that suits his personality shares a room with someone he considers to be an awesome roommate. They have fairly different sleep schedules… they share some social groups and have others of their own… but bottom line, they communicate well and get along very well together. And I think that’s made a positive difference in the adjustment to college life for both of them.</p>
<p>That kind of thing is probably a lot easier to do with an incoming class of 200 than with one in the thousands, and I’m sure it takes considerable time – so I can understand why it’s not more prevalent. But wow, it sure seems to work out well for the students.</p>
<p>I never really thought of dorm living as “odd”. I did discuss the sharing a room issue with D as she has never had to share before. She is relatively easygoing and considerate, so it hasn’t been an issue for her and I didn’t expect it to be. I lived in a dorm for one year before moving into a sorority house and never thought anything about it. It is a good way to meet people.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Ever gone to camp? That’s the way you live.</p></li>
<li><p>This is how most of the world lives, with people sharing a room, often multiple generations, with cooking and procreation and child raising mixed in one space. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>So, no, dorm living is not an experiment but a new experience for many, one that most of the human beings who’ve ever lived have lived through and are living through.</p>
Well, if you’re rich, you can have that feeling… but I’ve got news for you. In 21st century America, when your kid graduates from college, chances are that the only way he or she will be able to afford to live on his own is in a shared living situation, especially if the kid chooses to live in a high-cost area (which often corresponds to where the best job opportunities are). That shared space is either going to be a return to the parent’s home – or else its likely to be shared with strangers who posted a listing on Craigslist. </p>
<p>Admittedly, the would-be renter has some choice in the matter before moving in, but generally one doesn’t discover the bad habits and behaviors of housemates until sometime after the rental agreement has been signed and deposits made. And usually (but not always), the individual in a shared rental will at least have their own bedroom. But in a tight rental market there might not be much choice, especially if the individual is in a pinch trying to find living quarters reasonably close to a place of work. </p>
<p>You are right that we probably wouldn’t do it at this stage of our lives – but that’s the point, it’s a different “stage” of life.</p>
<p>Definitely could never stand it for a minute now, sleep is too precious. I’m sitting here in a hotel room, probably bigger than a dorm room and I couldn’t imagine having someone in here with me except my kids or husband. It is a very strange social experiment, and I’m sure some kids adapt perfectly, even to kids that are so different from them. I suppose the most important thing is the level of tolerance the person has, and the willingness to figure out how to make something work.</p>
<p>Especially that first semester freshman year when many room “blind” and are forced to adapt to living with a roommate that may be very different.</p>
<p>My DD is already angling for an apartment for next year. Says she misses preparing her own food, which I find mildly amusing because I don’t remember her doing much preparing.
A big issue today though is the freedom and openess people feel to share everything they are doing. Dorm living is interesting for those who have had their own little space.</p>
<p>I think the pressure to always be “up” is a bit much in dorm living, just the endless need to be able to be social all day long and into the night can probably get pretty draining.</p>
<p>LOL, that’s what working DS did; Craigslist, shared housing in a desirable neighborhood, near University of Washington/Lake Washington. House is runned-down rental, but has a big garden and chickens. Saturday night he calls, mommy, and says that he’s lonely and bored. None of his 4 other housemates are home, he just finished a 2 day conference at UW, and took in a California attendee when their school didn’t allocate $$ for a hotel. </p>
<p>DS can afford individual housing, but he’s used to the noise and activity of a dorm. :)</p>
<p>I think you raise an important point. Although I made a ton of friends my first day in my dorm (during the dark ages) and my college roommate and I are best friends 40 years later, that is probably the exception to the rule.</p>
<p>When my DD went off to college, I had every hope that she would have the same kind of experience I had. Sadly, that was not to be. She was in a triple and turned out to be odd-man-out and for whatever reason, seemed to have a hard time making friends with others on her floor. She had been very popular in high school and had a wide circle of very close friends who, of course, were scattered all over the country. She missed that type of friendship. We talked about the fact it takes time to develop the kind of friendship she had with her high school friends, and the need to look beyond her dorm for frineds (join clubs, befriend people in your classes, etc.) but it just didn’t happen. She loved the school, and the city it was in, but remained unhappy and fairly friendless throughout her freshman year. She ended up transferring to a university in our home town, as did several of her high school friends, and she was happy again. She ended up graduating with honors, and is now in in grad school. </p>
<p>I work at a university and many of the students I work with have a great time in our program’s dorm - there’s a great sense of community there. BUT, if for whatever reason a student ends up an outsider, it can be fairly miserable.</p>
<p>My MIL was sent to sleepaway camp at age 6. That was the norm in her particular social class. Kids have gone to camp for years. In generations past, single family members might live with others, and people took in boarders as a matter of course. Don’t forget boarding schools. And the old apprenticeship system whereby a kid far younger than 18 would go live with a family to learn a trade. I fear you are romanticizing a past that never was.</p>
<p>I get what AnuddahMom is saying. It is not what many kids are used to, and it sure ups the stress factor those first few weeks of freshman year.
I think they learn such incredibly valuable lessons, though – just how to cope on their own and deal with people.
D is at a school where living on campus is required the first two years. She has liked her roommates, except for minor issues, but like a poster stated above, can’t wait to have her own room in her 3 BR apartment next year.</p>
<p>My son will be in college next fall and his choice for a room would be a single with a bathroom shared by one other person. He is a very social kid so I find this request somewhat interesting and it almost makes me sad that he would miss out on the whole freshman dorm experience.</p>
<p>Kajon, if he is on a floor where everyone’s doors stay open, he will not miss out. The freshman dorm experience, while looked back on fondly, is very difficult to live through.</p>