<p>I know that people are well meaning, but my DD is starting to get comments about her college search from friends, family and acquaintances, and it's starting to get really annoying!</p>
<p>This past weekend, one relative told her that one school she is considering is "really ugly" and not worth her time. NO, actually, it isn't "really ugly," just not her taste. It's a good school with a great program for DD and a place where she could likely get some much-needed merit-aid.</p>
<p>Another relative tried to steer her to a school that makes absolutely no sense for her.</p>
<p>Today, she was telling someone about one of her top choices (at the moment.) The woman said, "Oh you don't want to be going there, with your grades and scores, you need to look at some BETTER schools than that!" The school in question is a very good school, slective admissions of around 38%, where DD is right in the mid-50 percentile for stats(around 60-65%.)
All this is just making DD feel bad, and it's starting to really drive me nuts! We have a whole year to go!</p>
<p>When I went through that process as a student a few years back, it was terrible. My situation was pretty much exactly how you described your daughter’s. You really do have to smile and nod, unless you’re willing to tell everybody to scram! :)</p>
<p>Smile, nod and do not discuss this with anyone but us (meaning CC parents)…</p>
<p>There is another parent on here that has the “standard” line to use; I don’t know it exactly but it is something like, “There are a bunch of schools where I know I could be happy; thanks for asking!!”</p>
<p>I asked someone a couple of years ago where their kid was applying and was given the answer - the usual suspects. I thought it was rude back then but having gone through the process, I understand the answer as a diversionary tactic!</p>
<p>Up until December: “Oh, she’s still deciding.” Followed by “Has your child made their final list yet?” or “Do you have any schools to recommend to her?”</p>
<p>December through April: “I promised her I wouldn’t talk about it until all the results are in.” Quickly divert topic of conversation.</p>
<p>After May 1: “She’s delighted to have chosen X.”</p>
<p>Both my brother and I went to Penn State. I loved it; him, not so much. Which is fine. But he is rabid against Penn State. He keeps telling my D15 how it’s an awful place and all wrong for her. He told me it’s evil. (I had to laugh.)</p>
<p>Now, it may very well be the wrong place for her. Too big for her to deal with, most likely. But she’s been there with us a lot (we visit regularly). It’s a beautiful campus with lots to do - it’s totally understandable that she’d want to go there. Her uncle ranting against it is going to actually hide all the legit reasons it may not be right for her because of his over the top approach. </p>
<p>Heck, I don’t know what’s right for her. She’s in 9th grade. High school is HARD for her. Her grades aren’t so hot, so she isn’t getting to the main campus unless her GPA goes way up. And she has no idea what she wants to major in yet. So it’s a bit premature for raving and ranting, but not for my brother, I guess.</p>
<p>My all-time favorite was the comment made to my niece by a cousin-in-law: “You really shouldn’t go there. People say terrible things about the graduates. No, I’d better not tell you what I’ve heard, but they are just terrible.”</p>
<p>Okay, then, CC people, let me get your reaction to this school which I will call “CB”.</p>
<p>This school is reported to have lost 50% of its most recent graduating class due to attrition. It is in the “unlisted” section of USNWR. It is rural and apparently everyone leaves on the weekend because there is nothing to do. SAT/ACT score reports don’t exist and the school does not want them. It has minimal endowment. It has an 87% acceptance rate. GPA ranges are not reported. The male female ratio is 1:2. It costs $46,000 or so to attend. Half of the courses deal with nursing and developmental psychology. The main photo on the admissions office webpage shows delapidation and poor maintenance (not the illustrious kind) in the infrastructure.</p>
<p>What reaction are you looking for? The point is that people say rude/ignorant/silly things to your face about wherever your kid is thinking of going/going to school, and the only thing to do is to refuse to engage (i.e. smile and nod).</p>
<p>College is a consumer decision, like buying a house or a car. You don’t need to justify your tastes and budget to other people. At all. In any way. And conversely if other people want to waste their money on a crummy place, it’s their business.</p>
<p>Some people have really out of date ideas of how hard it is to get admitted today into a very selective college. They will encourage students to overreach.</p>
<p>Some people have very outdated ideas of the quality offered at some lesser known colleges.</p>
<p>And then some people really are trying to offer a reality check - to help make sure a friend or relative is not over-reaching in admissions difficulty and/or costs.</p>
<p>The more opinions you hear, the less any one opinion will matter.</p>
<p>Living in FL is the worst for comments. Apparently the only reason you wouldn’t go to UF is that you didn’t get in. A few times my son has been asked if he was disappointed that he didn’t get in to UF. He is a smart aleck and answers “Well of course I didn’t get in. I never applied.” Which is usually when he is asked “Why wouldn’t you apply to UF?” as if it is the only good school in the entire country. It doesn’t bother him, but it makes me crazy.</p>
<p>NJSue – The reaction I was hoping for was “Jiminy, what a Hell-hole”.</p>
<p>I think you’re right that for some people, college is precisely a consumer decision and from this perspective, it’s a choice between a green dresser lamp or a red one. For other people, and this is true for my family, a college is like a marriage. The college must be proper. It must have a heritage and it must satisfy a philosophical quest and not just a pragmatic one. There are dream dates and dream weddings, so there must also be a dream college, as we’ve seen in that other thread over there. </p>
<p>And then there’s CB, gathering dirt like a broken worn tire lying in a ravine off the freeway.</p>
<p>Also, I only give my critique to people in my immediate family whether they want it or not. It’s none of my business applied to anyone else.</p>
<p>Or how expensive it can be, resulting in encouraging financial overreaches to schools with high list prices and poor financial aid and scholarships.</p>
<p>Or, in either case, discouraging or bad mouthing safeties, so that the student either does not have any (risking getting shut out), or ends up feeling disappointed when an otherwise well fitting and affordable safety is his/her only acceptance.</p>
<p>Bingo. It’s no one’s business unless you solicit / ask their opinion. That’s what is so great about CC - you’re proactively seeking comments and opinions from others - you choose. And the anonymity works well too.</p>
<p>This is excellent practice for when she picks a major, a job, decides to get married or not, has kids or not, and so on. She needs to master the polite smile (lips closed, small upturn at the corners), come up with an all purpose phrase (ie “Aren’t you kind to think of me.” or “Thank you for that food for for thought”, etc.) and then change the conversation in such a tone that makes clear that the topic is closed. </p>
<p>You can model it for her and encourage her.</p>
<p>Having this skill has saved my sanity many, many times over the past decades.</p>