<p>Parents with kids in college already, your advice is wanted!</p>
<p>D leaves for college in 16 days. Granted she has been working at a sleepaway camp all summer, so it's not like I don't know what it's like here without her. However, she will only be home for three and a half days between getting home from camp and leaving for college.</p>
<p>I spoke with her on the phone yesterday and some of the things she was saying were so out of character for her. I tried to be encouraging (without trying to solve her problems!) but I realized after I hung up that it is all probably related to her college anxiety. Afterall, she is not here organizing her stuff, getting ready, etc.</p>
<p>To make life easier for when she gets back, I've been buying all the essentials (those that don't require her opinion, like meds, storage bins, etc. - she picked out her comforter, towels, etc. before she left). All she will need to deal with when she gets home is a couple of docs, haircut and buying some new clothes. That's the easy part.</p>
<p>The hard part will be the emotional part here. She is bound to be both excited and nervous. I think nervous will overtake excitement for those few days. She'll be re-connecting with her HS friends who she hasn't seen all summer and feeling like she's cramming so much in to a short time. To complicate matters, she has to deal with relationship with H, which is not stellar but he will also be stressed about D leaving.</p>
<p>I want to prepare for this and enjoy those last few days without WWIII breaking out in the house. It's going to be a challenge getting her to balance her time with her friends and her time with her family (including grandparents who will be here from out of town specifically to see her) and the time I need from her to prepare for college (I think I will forget the room cleaning - she can do that in Dec/Jan when she is home).</p>
<p>This is probably too long... but you get the drift... what can I expect? what can I do ahead of time to prepare? Any wise words of wisdom to share with H to give him perspective and back-off on her (he never went away to college so can't relate to any of this at all)?</p>
<p>the good news: be thankful you only have three days to deal with the anxiety; contrary to popular belief, the longer the kids are home the summer before they leave, the more anxious they get…the three days will be a blessing in disguise; yes, they will be stressful but packed into a shorter period of time…</p>
<p>yes, she is leaving…no, she isn’t going to California and will be back soon (how often do grandparents see her normally?)…maybe if you can set some ground rules before she arrives from camp it may alleviate some of your anxiety…i.e. dinner on Tuesday is with us…etc</p>
<p>we didn’t see our now junior in college daughter for most of the entire summer before she left…and the “goodbye” routine really was isolated to friends; family saw her regularly on holidays (and still does!!)…</p>
<p>bad news: they are a complete bundle of nerves and anxiety and that is on a good day! there were emotional outbursts right up to our departure after move-in…</p>
<p>very hard to give your husband perspective (as it is to tell him how to feel)…maybe he can spend some quality time with your son during the three days?..he probably will need to vent about the “new normal” in your house but that may have to wait until later on…</p>
<p>and, yes, I would forget the room cleaning…focus on the camp stuff being ready if it has to go with her and REMEMBER, she isn’t going to China…there are post offices and drug stores where she is going (as well as a Target/Walmart/BBB I imagine…)</p>
<p>Hope this helps…if there are specific things we can chime in on, let us know…</p>
<p>p.s. The January term at your daughter’s school will give all of you more opportunity to spend time together/clean room etc especially when her friends at other schools go back (the last two weeks in January usually)</p>
<p>Thanks. I think the scheduling part will really help (will have to talk to the grandparents about that too). I’ve already told D that she can have all her friends over on a particular night for swimming/pizza/etc, acknowledging how important it is for her to spend this time with them. Need to pick a family night (well, dinner will all I will be able to get from her!) - that’s a great idea.</p>
<p>H will be at work for part of the time and there are things that he wants to do for D before she leaves. I’l need to schedule that with her too!</p>
<p>Yes, the scheduling will be key… thanks for bringing that up.</p>
<p>You know your D, so you can judge whether this would be a good or bad idea for her, but if you type up a checklist of stuff she HAS to do while she is home (tasks, and any family obligations that have a specific time commitment). I would let her know that she has flexibility within her 3.5 days home to get this stuff done when she wants to, but here are the things to do and any specific time commitments. Then she can check off as she gets stuff done.</p>
<p>Some kids might not like that, but mine would appreciate being handed a list so they can just do and not have to “keep track”.</p>
<p>Be prepared that she, too, will be feeling a lot of conflict and confusion over saying goodbye to both her family and her friends in such a short time. You could have a conversation about this: “I know this is rough because you must feel pulled in different directions. How can we organize the next few days so that you have family time, friend time, and packing time?” A schedule is good, but give her a chance to express what she needs. Our 18-year-olds can be aggravating beyond words during this transition. I tried to remember that my son’s life was about to change far more dramatically than mine would as he took that first step into adulthood. No wonder he was cranky (and he wasn’t that bad).</p>
<p>Accept that she might be very, very focused on friends right now. My son (college junior) certainly was, for the whole summer (and in fact the whole year) before he left. For him, those goodbyes were pretty final, because his close friendships are now with college friends–even though his HS friends were very close, at the time. She and they might sense that this could happen.</p>
<p>Definitely forget the room cleaning. Andy’s mom in Toy Story 2 was way over the top! It can wait. And do save some shopping for when you get to her college town.</p>
<p>And as Rodney says, they do come home–soon, and often. (You will start to wonder why you pay so much for room and board.)</p>
<p>A packing story from Back to College, Year 3: My son announces that he is packing a box of clothes to ship so they’ll be there soon after he arrives next Tuesday night. I’m relieved, because I haven’t seen much packing activity going on. Two days later I notice the box outside the door to his room. It contains one pair of jeans and a jacket. The floor of his room contains the rest of his wardrobe. Moral: Keep expectations very low.</p>
<p>I understand the stress. D leaves this Friday for freshman year. We just got home from family vacation on Monday night, she works all day as a nanny Tues and Thurs - so basically she has one day (Wed) to see two doctors, pack everything, have lunch with her dad, etc. I have told her that her evenings are her own, to go see friends, etc. Luckily, she’s flying to school so we will purchase everything but clothes (and one box of items being shipped) near her school. But, gosh, it’s a little nerve rattling to realize that it’s only a matter of days.</p>
<p>Remember that anything forgotten can be shipped later - you’ll get to know and love those flat rate packages offered at the Post Office. They’re a good deal! You can send forgotten cables, etc. along with some treats.</p>
<p>Some amount of nervousness is inevitable, but it might help to see it as a process rather than an event, if that makes sense. Some things happen during these few days, some more happen later on (by phone, email, packages), more at holidays. Lots of adjustments are happening in that first year…</p>
<p>This works well in our house. Our daughter used a checklist and was all packed up a week in advance, as I recall. Our son is a difference story, but with a checklist, he can keep on track and still have control over his own time. No nagging from “the parental units.” He was working as a camp counselor and also just came home with a week to pack. But he also wants to hang out with friends he fears he’ll never see again. So we just divvied up the checklist by days remaining; in other words, he takes care of 4-5 items on the list per day.</p>
<p>Also, Calreader’s advice is so true. You can always ship stuff later, and if your son or daughter will be home for Thanksgiving, they can take additional winter items back to school at that time, if they think they need them.</p>
<p>I am not sure why everybody is stressed. Surely, it is a change for everybody, but it is wise not to have a heart attack over every change in life. According to OP, nobody is in real trouble, nothing to be stressed about. Just calm down, enjoy few more weeks of summer, enjoy company of your family. Your D. will do whatever she has to and whatever she has time to do. They are young, most survive going to college…and if it becomes too much to be away, they come back and transfer. Not a biggy. </p>
<p>My D. got first rejection today, her reaction: "Oh, well’. My reaction: “Their loss”. Forget stress, it is not worth it. Relax.</p>
<p>OK - So I am not stressed. I went to college half-way across the country and loved it from the second I got there. My D is only going a few (small) states away - with excellent public transportation to get back and forth should she need it and every store imaginable very close to campus. She has travelled to Europe/Israel with a teen group (when she was almost 16) and spends the summers away. I am completely at ease with her adjusting well to college and college life.</p>
<p>My question is about HER anxiety (which she won’t verbalize) as she transitions and her father’s stress level (which he also won’t admit). I try to avoid being middle-man, but if I can be preventative about this, all the better.</p>
<p>Some families do have a lot more stress than I anticipate here - for example, if neither parent went away to college or if the student hasn’t ever lived away from home. The advice here has been really helpful.</p>
<p>“My question is about HER anxiety (which she won’t verbalize)”…that’s a “first born” phenomenon; I hear ya…they just vent at us…</p>
<p>sounds like you have some good ideas; yes, the list works…even better if she can take ownership of that herself; it does eliminate some of THEIR anxiety to have control of the process (there’s that first born thing again)…</p>
<p>Keep in mind she might take a few cues from your behavior. If you’re getting wigged out I think it’s more likely she will too. Is it possible she’ll muddle through on her own just fine? Nobody was more stunned than I was when DS#1 was coming up on his freshman year. This <em>very</em> typical male, also slightly ADD, dumped all of his clothes on the dining room floor two days before he was leaving. Then sorted between what he was taking and what he was leaving. Then started laundering everything he was taking. While that was going on he wrote down a packing list. Then he started loading the car and checking things off the list. I’d never seen behavior even close to this from him in his life. (He left on a Thursday and I didn’t really talk to him until Sunday. He said he’d been out buying textbooks and I remember thinking, “But I didn’t tell him to do that! How’d he know?”)</p>
<p>I guess my point is it does all get done. Particularly if you’re driving (vs. flying), with no firm deadline to be on the road (except the date). Besides working out some family time, maybe let her take care of the rest of the scheduling on her own.</p>
<p>And then focus on how exciting a transition this is for her. And on the first time you get to visit. Parents weekends are great!</p>
<p>Sounds like you have the major needs taken care of. </p>
<p>Regarding lists- my son never followed through (oops- change to present tense) on any I made. I did put everything in the dining room (never have formal dinners in summer anyhow) so packing would be easier. Son was supposed to check over the piles and edit (he could have done a much better job). He also asked “what do I need to take?” regarding clothing after the time I expected to be leaving freshman year- my answer- “everything” or he would have that single pair of jeans… Gifted but a procrastinator and not always into the practicalities of life. Sophomore year was easy- take less than the last year. First apt required a mother’s input for setting up a household, living alone required filling in the gaps left from others’contributions.</p>
<p>Just like in everything else in life be prepared for plans to change and not every one to happen. This isn’t the end of the world- she will be back for the missed dinner, clothes and other stuff will be returned and taken later. The forgotten “essentials” can be purchased there.</p>
<p>Prioritize your to do list. Perhaps best to have the family dinner the day she returns to get the family obligation out of the way (both parents and grandparents). Tell her she can only visit with friends the next day, leaving the evening for family and any late night unpacking/packing for after the old folks go to bed. Then she can be free to do what she wants around scheduled appointments- able to make spur of the moment plans with friends.</p>
<p>Definitely do not plan on having her do any room cleaning. Do go through her room, the bathroom she uses and other areas she may have left stuff after everything has been taken out of the house- you may find some forgotten item (house key, glasses…). Since she was living away for the summer she already is tuned into being away. Use the empty days after she is gone to put away discards and do the thorough room dusting, vacuuming, etc. Pile up the things you can’t discard in a closet. With any luck you can have her go through things over winter break. I needed to pile things I wanted son to take care of in another room and tell him what he didn’t sort through I would get to make decisions on. I had periodically culled childhood toys (baby and toddler stuff years ago) giving him the distance of years to part with forgotten/ignored treasures of past stages. Son has good intentions of going through HS and college stuff left at home but never does when he is here- worst case scenario is that the house sells (downsizing, losusy market so not likely soon) and he has to do it when busy.</p>
<p>The short time frame is in your favor. Prepare your H and others for seeing little of her when she is home this time. Remind everyone- family, D and yourself- they will still have the usual holidays and many more years. Ignore the urge to pack everything you can into those few days. Take away stress by deemphasizing the importance of her visit- relax and do your normal activites. You have already learned to lead your lives without her, she’ll be gone less time than she was for the summer camp. The nicest move was when son was going into his second apt shortly after returning from a summer away. Not enough time to be frustrated by his lack of doing things at my pace.</p>
<p>Basically- relax and enjoy the stray moments you get. Remind yourself that even during senior year her focus was outwards and not family. Do the following the first day she returns. Tell her to relax and enjoy her time. Tell her not to worry about her dad- that he may be harder to get along with because he is going through his own stress about her leaving for college and losing his little girl. Reassure her everything is ready and there is always more time later. Knowing she can return home for forgotten items or have you bring them will ease anxiety about that. Remind her she still has a home at your house despite taking everything she uses with her. Tell her she can always call/email you for support anytime (but don’t insist she call more than once per week). Basically let her know the obvious- that she can come home, she can get stuff, she can still talk with family. She may be thinking of her summer camp life where she needed to wait until it was over before doing any of the above.</p>
<p>As a first-born who is married to a first-born and has an only child, I can tell you: We’re bossy and like to have our ducks and everyone else’s ducks in a row–our way. Right now, though, you just want to help make her life a little easier and give her a smooth send-off. It sounds like you’re on the right track.</p>
<p>Middle children can also want their own way. Strong willed parents give their genetics prone(?) strong willed child plenty of cues on being that way as well.</p>
<p>Thank you! And I only got a little teary at the end of wis75’s long post! (Just realized the up-side if she comes home with her 'tude – less sadness about her leaving!)</p>
<p>You are all right. I should not make a big deal over the three days. She’s not going to Outer Slobovia. This is going to be easy…</p>
<p>Very good point to remind the family about her focus on her friends… and I have to remind H that he had the greatest number of conversations with her when she called from Israel (she called all the time!).</p>
<p>If you have a pool and are having her friends over for a pool party, why not schedule a late night swim with mom and dad.? It’s a great way to relax and just chat while relieving stress. We used to get in the pool after dark when the weather had cooled off a little. The water was so warm and soothing and the kids would talk more than they ever would over dinner or face to face with us.</p>
Right now, though, you just want to help make her life a little easier and give her a smooth send-off. It sounds like you’re on the right track.</p>