So recently I’ve decided to apply to Deerfield , Exeter, and Andover out of all of the schools that I’ve visited. Although Deerfield is my top choice, as I am an Asian female, would IT be hard for me to make friends? I grew up in an all white town with less than 5 Asians in each grade-250 ppl per grade- so I have little to no asian friends, and all of my friends are white. I wear Brandy Melville, PAC sun, lululemon and those types of brands, and love Starbucks. So, it would be hard for me if I wasn’t accepted just because I’m Asian even though I’m not really on the inside; I love my Asian side but I feel that people are biased sometimes and am insecure about it. I know it’s stupid, but is a deciding factorwhether I should apply to d ,which is my top choice, as the social aspect is extremely important to me. I heard that people sometimes create a racial divide and financial divide(which I don’t think it will portain to me) at Deerfield. So, my question is, if there is a popular group , what type of people are they? And, are there no people of color in that group and why? I know that all Deerfield alumni love their school,but please do not sugar coat it and give me an honest answer- if you feel uncomfortable replying publicly, please pm me. Thank you all for any answers!!! xoxo
My daughter is a freshman at Deerfield so in her case I think friend groups are still forming; however, I see photos of students of all backgrounds together. Yes, there does appear to be a small group of girls that only hang together but I imagine you will find that everywhere. Happily, my DD seems to enjoy friends of all backgrounds and limits the “all in” exposure to this clique.
I do believe what separates a boarding school experience is the extracurricular activities that bring students together. That just can’t be replicated in a public school environment where so few students make sports teams etc.
@MAandMEmom Thank you so much for your insight! When I had my tour and interview there, it really did feel like a large family, with an amazing support system. It’s nice to know that people from different backgrounds are friends because when I was there I only saw three Asians and only one of them was with white people. Although it may seem that I am stressing out over something irrelevant, but if you don’t have a good social life in boarding school it will be hard so I am thinking about these things. As the school year goes on, please let me know what your dd thinks!
Dear Worried,
I have one daughter who is at Choate and another who is the process of applying to boarding schools now. They both looked at Deerfield, and we have friends at Deerfield, and I will discuss it in particular in just a minute.
My first and most important piece of advice to you would be that if you want to go to boarding school in general, you should absolutely be applying to more schools than just the three that you mentioned. The standards at those three schools, and many others, are so high and unfortunately, especially high for Asians and Asian-Americans, that if you limit yourself this way you are adding tremendous stress to your life and risking not getting in anywhere. There are so many good schools that you are likely to have a terrific experience at whatever school you end up at. Even if you have straight A’s and 99’s across the board on your SSAT’s, you cannot assume you will get into any of the 3 schools you mention or any other specific school in the top 20 or so schools for that matter. This is true no matter how good your academics and teacher recs are, or how excellent or unusual your extra-curriculars. If you are a legacy or sibling, then your chances are much better, but that doesn’t sound like your situation. Also, don’t be fooled by feeling as if you had a good interview. Everyone feels as if they had a good interview because the admissions officers like to make you feel good about their school so you’ll apply.
If you are a good enough student to have a chance at those 3 schools, you should be able to get into at least one excellent school that you would love, even if it’s not one of those 3. So please apply to a range of schools if you want to have the very worthwhile experience of boarding school! Do not feel that unless you go to the very “best” school, as defined by dubious ranking systems, that you are somehow missing out or hurting your college chances. That is utter nonsense that I would be happy to delve further into in a separate post. The best school for you is the one that you get into, that you can succeed at, and that you feel happy at.
Also, it is very common to change your mind over the course of the admissions process about what school is your first choice. Your academic and extra-curricular interests may change over the course of the year. Also, your sense of yourself and what part of your identity matters most is in flux at your age more than you probably imagine. It’s a long time between when you apply and when you commit in the spring and a lot can change. Additionally, visiting a school for the admissions interview does not really give you an adequate idea of what going there would be like, nor does doing a summer program there (because the kids are different and it’s less academic). You have to get in and go to revisit days to make the right choice. My kids come from a lower school that ends in 9th grade and so a majority of the class then goes to boarding school. The placement director there is incredibly experienced and she says it is extremely common for kids to change their minds about their first choice after revisit day, even when kids get into the school that they thought was their first choice. I certainly saw that in a bunch of kids in D1’s class. So you need to apply to a range of schools so you can be guaranteed to get into 2 or 3 that you could really love, then go to revisit days with an open mind, and then decide. In fact, the girl who toured my D1 at Deerfield had desperately wanted to go to Choate but got waitlisted. She was accepted at Deerfield, went to revisit day, loved it, and suddenly Deerfield became her first choice and she is very happy there. And by the way, she is Indian-American. Give yourself an opportunity to have a similarly happy outcome by applying to at least 5 schools, more if your grades and scores aren’t top-notch, including at least one that you feel very confident about your chances at.
Now, as to Deerfield. If you are concerned about being part of the popular group, it sounds like a good fit for you, despite your fears. (Of course, you shouldn’t confuse being popular with having friends and being happy. We’ve all seen Mean Girls and know that the so-called popular crowd is often full of unhappy kids.) Boarding schools each have their own distinctive cultures - that’s one of the great things about them. Unlike public schools that vary mostly due to regional or socio-economic differences, boarding schools carefully select for a specific culture. Therefore, kids who will be popular at one school might feel like an outsider at a different school. Admissions officers are aware of these cultures; in fact, they either promote or attempt to lessen them, to help ensure that kids will be happy at their school, and that their school is becoming the place they want it to be. For example, some schools very carefully select for “nice,” especially the smaller ones, while others, usually the larger ones, care more about energy and maturity. Deerfield, being of medium size, is somewhere in the middle.
Also, you are absolutely correct that there are some smaller boarding schools where kids of similar backgrounds tend to group together socially. All schools continue to struggle to improve their inclusiveness. The struggle tends to be more open at some schools that are, ironically, more diverse. In other places that are less diverse sometimes there is less of a struggle because everyone is so nice, and sometimes the struggle is just internalized by the kids who feel discriminated against. So racial and ethnic grouping happens to some extent, and often voluntarily, at Deerfield as everywhere, but there is also mixing and I believe you wouldn’t feel restricted to only hanging out with people who look like you.
Deerfield, like most top boarding schools, is currently making a concerted effort to be more diverse and inclusive, but it has not made as much of a change away from its preppy, traditional past as some others. If you want to be popular, you have to consider the values of the majority of kids, and see if they align with your own. With its more restrictive dress code and traditional/conservative culture, Deerfield gets more kids who care about being popular, or “normal” as they might see it, as well as a bigger percentage of rich and preppy kids. But unlike in the past, there are now plenty of rich kids at all these schools, including Deerfield, who are not white and preppy. This doesn’t guarantee that you will be popular, only that you shouldn’t rule out Deerfield because you’re Asian but don’t want to be forced to socialize only with other Asians. They also do a lot to help first years get to know their classmates and bond at the beginning of the year. If you get in, and you make the effort, there’s no reason why you couldn’t have the social life you want at Deerfield. I believe you would find at Deerfield that most people there will look past your ethnicity to your personality.
You sound like a typical American kid with American culture. I don’t doubt that you will be well accepted by American students at Deerfield or any other boarding school. You might at times be mistaken as an international student, but won’t be excluded for your race at a boarding school.
You might find your American culture so different that find it harder to hang out with international students from the country your family or ancestors immigrated from. But you have no obligation to join them.
That’s my daughter’s experience at least. She also had only White friends until she went to her boarding school. But now she has Chinese and Hispanic friends too, which I am very happy. She briefly contacted international students from Korea, where I came from, but she didn’t want to conform their cultural exceptions so that’s that.
@niteowl99 @SculptorDad a thank yo ISO much for sharing your kids experiences with me; I am looking to apply to a couple more schools, by those three aren’t top choices. I hope that I will be accepted, and if I do, I will definitely look back to this forum to decide which school I will attend
Exeter parent here. In our experience Exeter is an easy place to find your people. Kids stratify by common interests (sports teams, service organizations, artists etc…). To us it seems much more like a college environment socially. Much less drama and cliques - unless you are looking for this. If extreme popularity is your goal - every year there is a group that self selects as “Prep posse”. It can seem like a big deal if you aspire to be part of the group. What traditionally happens is by upper year, most of these kids look back at that time with a tad bit of embarrassment.
Btw: your interests sound similar to a high proportion of teenage girls (mine included) good luck!
Kids who naturally are popular are generally not worried about being popular.
Why boarding school for you? And why Deerfield?
My advice: first, gain admission to these schools, then we can discuss.
Apply to schools that have at least 50% diversity or students of color. Not sure DA is in that category. Agincourt is right, like ivies, the top BS’s get plenty of applicants, and it’s not easy for ORM’s. My daughter’s friend who is Chinese American got waitlisted at 10 BS’s, admitted to none. She was a top student. My two students who are also Asian American females both went to Choate and they were very happy. Lots of diversity. They also came from backgrounds similar to your’s growing up in a predominantly white affluent community, yet when they got to BS had more of an affinity to the diverse community who had an affinity for them.
@worriedaboutprepschool , You seem to be defining yourself mainly by the clothes you wear and by your ethnicity, in other words, strictly by your surface. I hope you will dig deeper. You will find many friends at boarding school if you are able to get past superficialities when you judge people, including yourself. Good luck to you!
“Popular” students probably don’t really care about race or ethnicity when making friends. I have close friends (Asian) who go to a top girls private school (also a top boarding school too!) that often gives off a reputation as a “rich white girl school,” but it isn’t. I met many girls there, and they are all super nice. I expect the same type of people at boarding school too, so I def think that you will not have a problem making friends.
Other than that, good luck at Deerfield!