<p>I have to agree with Siliconvalleymom. I was one of those miserable kids whose parents weren't involved at all. I didn't have any guidance and always felt two steps behind those kids whose parents actually taught them something useful about life and provided them with some guidance.</p>
<p>I think having over-involved parents is one of those "rich people's problems". I don't necessarily mean this in regard to money. It's one of the good problems to have, like having difficulty deciding which restaurant to go to (when others are hungry) or not knowing where to spend all of your free time (when others are working three jobs to pay the rent).</p>
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I think our society is becoming increasingly ambivalent about who is ultimately responsible for a child or teen's behavior. It seems to me that nowadays we are much quicker than our parents' generation to blame the mother and father when a child gets into trouble--at times to the exclusion of blaming the child himself. "Where were the parents?" is the first question people ask when a kid does something wrong.
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<p>Just a quick anecdote on this which shows the opposite side: when I told my mother, who is in her late 70s, that my son would have done much better in school this semester if he'd actually done his homework, or turned in what he'd done, her first response was "where was his mother????" So this blame the parents approach isn't limited to our generation after all.</p>
<p>Perhaps my circle of friends is different, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of blaming going around. Kids aren't perfect, they have problems and we share among ourselves in order to draw support from other parents.</p>
<p>I have very mixed feelings about this thread. Kids are so different, and it is often difficult to know the nature/nurture mix that determines a child's personality. D is smart but disorganized, was emotionally immature compared to her peers, and took a lot longer to develop her academic focus. S, who is younger, keeps a planner, does homework without being told, checks off completed tasks, is socially precocious and popular. H and I have parented both kids in similar ways - pretty handsoff regarding their responsibilities, but very interested in what they are doing. We have tried to show them both that they are cherished for who they are, and we try not to express disappointment when they make choices we would not have made. We do worry about whether life is too easy for them. Do we give too much allowance? Do they understand the value of hard work? They are being raised in an affluent environment unlike the more modest ones both H and I grew up in. Anorexia, therapists, medications are common at their schools, among their friends.</p>
<p>I once read that in a part of India, there is a belief that a child is given to its parents to raise, but that it is never "their" child. That strikes me as the right approach. Too often we parents have too much of our own self-esteem wrapped up in our kids' actions. </p>
<p>All in all, I think it is easier to see what we do wrong, than to really appreciate the things we do right.</p>
<p>I have a very strange relationship with my parents. They work all day and I rarely see them. I am not required to do anything; I can stay home if I don't feel like going to school. The only thing they do is provide me with money, food, and shelter. </p>
<p>But guess what? I am still top of my class, and I think my life is great. I learn pretty much everything from the Internet, and the only reason I work harder than most people at school is because of peer pressure to be better than most people. My parents never make spreadsheets for me, but I make my own schedule so I can go to my dream college and become an engineer.</p>
<p>Obamalot....btw I love your screen name....do your parents have any expectations of you? Does making them 'proud' of you figure into what you do? Not judging in any way, I'm sincerely curious. :)</p>
<p>I think it depends on the person. I'm a very independent guy, so the fact that my parents have been extremely busy and thus not intimately involved in most aspects of my life (and that my parents are divorced and so I only actually see my Dad every few months - well, I used to see him much, much more, but now he lives across the contintent, so...) is basically fine with me, and I haven't suffered for it. But I can see very clearly that for a lot of kids, the way my family and I interact would not be optimal and could potentially be far from ideal.</p>
<p>Very tough issue, very murky, and very obviously a thing for which there is no one-size-fits-all solution.</p>