The Rise of the "Helicopter Parents"

Parents Forum
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<p>Some of the "helicopter parents", I agree, are out of control. For example, my neighbor who called her D school to complain that her D could not sleep because the mattress was lumpy, is going too far I think. </p>

<p>However, as some have already mentioned - if the parent is EXPECTED to pay and a student is not seem as independent of the parents in the eyes of the financial aid department - I have a very difficult time swallowing the school's lack of communication with the person responsible for the tuition.</p>

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<p>dmd77,</p>

<p>Sorry I did mention Bill Gates once, but not as a complaining parent, his kids don't do public. MI contains many, many weathly people. Not all Mircosoft wealth.</p>

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<p><a href="http://www.education-world.com/a_issues/issues223.shtml%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.education-world.com/a_issues/issues223.shtml&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p><a href="http://www.misd.k12.wa.us/news/respect/default.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.misd.k12.wa.us/news/respect/default.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>A couple of articles about the situation. Not trying to hijack the piece in a different direction.</p>

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<p>MagsMom has an excellent point.</p>

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<p>When I've worked events at my school's Campus Preview Weekend for admitted students, I've personally seen admissions officers and student workers have to chase parents out of events that were listed in the programs as "students only".</p>

<p>I know a student whose parents once had half her dorm out looking for her. The reason? She hadn't called home in two days. She turned out to be in class.</p>

<p>I know another student (well, now an alum) who was going through a rough period with her parents as a freshman, and decided to stop taking their phone calls. They contacted her and told her that unless she started taking their calls again, they were going to call the police and tell them that her school-affiliated living group had "kidnapped" her (it would have been interesting to see what would have happened if they'd actually done this, but it didn't get that far).</p>

<p>And one of my favorites is the sheltered, home-schooled freshman from last year whose mother tried to buy him a membership in a laundry service that, at the time, was only offered to a different local university, because she was convinced that he wouldn't be able to do his own laundry.</p>

<p>The number of parents who get excessively confused about our housing assignment or dining policies - which don't seem to bother their kids - and object to them on the basis of them not being like other schools' policies or allowing students too much freedom, appalls me.</p>

<p>Caring parents are a very good thing, but there's a line between "caring" and "overinvolved", and some parents cross it.</p>

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<p>Jessie:</p>

<p>I'm a parent, but I find your examples really funny. The poor students!</p>

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<p>Re: helicopter parents-
Clearly some of the examples cited border on neurosis and I, too, notwithstanding the fact I am a parent, feel sorry for the kids. </p>

<p>On the other hand, I was moved by the parent who wrote here that she wouldn't apologize for sending her daughter to math classes at a private school if she were able to do so. Her post underlines for me the problem parents face that through bitter experience they simply cannot trust education providers. The poster notes that she had discussions with the public school about the math teaching and, that, evidently, no one paid attention to her concerns. I have been there or in similar situations and I have to say that when the harm is obvious it is infuriating to receive no response, no remediation. </p>

<p>Sometimes it seems that no person wants to nudge things to make a change for a student. Many people feel they are being attacked and they simply do not listen. If jobs were on the line to come to a point of conciliation, as they are in the case of private secondary schools, generally speaking, at least a dialogue would take place. To my chagrin I have backed down. </p>

<p>In college situations, with really unfair roommate circumstances and ridiculous course designations taking place, I have simply talked with my child and prayed that the situations would somehow be righted. (Actually, they were, but I am still annoyed at the unfairness.) </p>

<p>Frankly, I guess as can be discerned from this post, part of me is really pleased when some master or mistress of the universe seeks to interfere with the work, so-called, of the teachers and administrators.</p>

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<p>This is definitely a real issue. Harvard alumni interviewers are told never to schedule the interview in the student's home. Why? Because in the home, it's impossible to get rid of the parents if they decide to butt in on the interview. The parents sometimes spend so much time asking questions that you never really get to hear from the kid. So we do the interviews in Starbucks, in the high school, in our offices...anywhere the parents aren't.</p>

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<p>Well, I think that the most successful students that I've known have taken care of themselves nearly all of the time. I live in a fairly competitive school district, and I can say with certainty that there are quite a few helicopter parents (I can nearly ten off the top of my head). </p>

<p>However, my parents haven't asked to see our report cards (i.e. my brothers' or mine) since I was in...2nd grade? 3rd grade? Yet both my brothers came in first in their classes and one's currently at Harvard and the other at Princeton. Assuming all continues to go well, I should also come first in my class, and assuming all goes well again, I should make it into a decent college as well. But my parents wouldn't care. They're extremely supportive in the sense that they've told me they're willing to work hard and make sure they can foot the bill if FinAid doesn't work out. But beyond that, they really don't know much about colleges...I doubt they even realize the existence of they Ivy League or US News Rankings or what AP Classes are or what the SAT is out of or even what classes my brothers and I have/had.</p>

<p>And it's not just me. I know two other valedictorians from my school, and though both their parents are at least aware of the top colleges, they really haven't bothered much with their grades or involvement in ECs or anything like that at all. One went to Harvard, another is heading to Brown. I just find it ironic that some of the brightest students have parents on the verge of apathetic (although in non-academic matters, encouraging people)...and they still end up just fine.</p>

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<p>ug my parents are terrible helicopters. whenever i have a college interview, they catch up with the interviewer afterward and ask to speak to them...and their interview goes on for as long as mine! and my parents announce my test scores to everyone they meet. they obsess over my grades and comments...they check my grades more than i do, one of my parents gets depressed whenever I get a B. it's disgusting and i can't wait to go to college.</p>

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<p>ms anon: I am more sympathetic when the parent is trying to help correct educational wrongs to the child (my parents certainly did it for me when I was young). I remember when I was seven or eight, and my parents went to bat trying to get me to be allowed to take math with kids a grade ahead, and the county's math curriculum developer told my actuary father who has a degree in math that he didn't understand math well enough to be able to complain! I do think that if the child is old enough to be able to understand what's going on, the parents should discuss things wtih them and try to involve them in the process. Because eventually, the child will get to the age where he/she has to handle such things on his/her own (in college, for instance), and if the parents can demonstrate how to effect change, it will probably be helpful.</p>

<p>But when I think of "helicopter parents" - and I realize that my perception is extremely biased by the way these things work at my school - I think of parents who shelter their kids ridiculously, and who push schools to limit student freedoms and choices because they are scared of the idea of their kids having some freedom and responsibility, or not having as much structure. For example, parents who object to my school's system of allowing students to choose their dorm after arriving on campus and largely govern themselves, because they're confused or afraid that their kids will make "bad decisions". Or parents who want us to impose mandatory meal plans because apparently they don't think their kids can handle a simple food budget or cook for themselves. Those are the ones who really, really bother me.</p>

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<p>jessiehl: You are right, we are on the same wave-length. I do see college as an opportunity for students to live freer, more expressive lives.</p>

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<p>Consider that some parents may not be pushing schools to limit anything, but are trying hard to get the kid as close to some ideal (perhaps a silly ideal) as possible. It may only SEEM like they are trying to limit the kid.</p>

<p>A little while ago I was in a discussion with my oldest son about schools. I was pushing “School X”, but he had his heart set on “School Y”. I didn’t think I was being a helicopter parent at all. From my viewpoint, I just wanted the guy to have something I thought would be good for him. But when he rejected even the thought of the “School X”, I started sulking. I sat there, for some time mumbling obligatory niceties, but I was pretty upset because in my mind I saw a really good thing being thrown out, and that my son was gonna miss out on something spectacular. He obviously knew I was angry because after awhile he suddenly burst out and said “You know, dad, you could have had a lot worse things to worry about than my wanting to go to School Y”!</p>

<p>That rattled me back into reality. I had lost perspective for a lot of reasons, one of which is that I have some pretty intense ideas about the world, about education, and about what a “good” education is. And, you know, when you love a kid as much as parents typically do, you sometimes feel compelled to do everything you can to make sure your kid gets all the things that match your intense ideas. I am sure that from the kid’s perspective, it seems like the parent is being “controlling”. But from the parent’s perspective, these things are “good”.</p>

<p>I think every parent suffers from a kind of desperation to get their kid every “GOOD” thing. It likely gets worse for a parent when the kid dismisses the parent’s ideas of “goodness”. The parent may fear that the kid is too immature to recognize the best things, and that they will end up settling for less or maybe even acquire something that is “bad”. Probably a lot of parents want “good” things so much for their kids, they are willing to force them, believing that as the kids mature, they will one day see the “truth”. In other words, many “helicopter parents” are probably just making their kid eat their vegetables.</p>

<p>It is a mess because for a college bound student, the timing is tricky. The student has their own ideas of “goodness”, many of them well formed, and some of them may not mesh with their parents’ ideas. When you put this together with ideals like “independence”, “love”, and “hope”, it often makes for a nicely corrupted situation wherein everyone loses sight of what really matters. I think the parents we are talking about here really do want to see their kids happy and independent. But they are sometimes so driven by fear, they end up working against the very things they want for their children.</p>