I have been struggling a lot in my life and I truly have no idea what to do. So here’s the story: I am a junior in college right now. I transferred to my current university at the end of my freshman year. The first school i went to was ok. i wasn’t happy and constantly wanted to come home (uhhhhh homesick much??). so i ended up going to a school that was 4 hours from home instead of 1 hour. Now here’s the issue… i’m so unhappy. i loved it at first, two of my siblings went there and one was still there my first year. Last semester i had a hiccup with my mental health and got too drunk and ended up in the hospital bc i was saying suicidal things and then to a psych ward. after that i didn’t have any friends bc they all ditched me and i was going to take time off school. well mid July i wanted to go back bc i don’t want to be a quitter. Well since then it’s been horrible. Im so lonely and I’m ok mentally like I don’t struggle too much with depression anymore. But to make matters worse, my grandpa is dying, like literally dying, and i’m devastated. Him and my Nana are my best friends. I just regret transferring so much. during my freshman year i would see them weekly and second semester i lived with them. i wish i would have stayed at the first university because it wasn’t that bad. It was more my academic speed, challenging but not drowning like the one I’m at now. I just can’t do it and i freak out every time i have to go back. I just want to come home and be with my family. Im over the party scene town in the middle of no where. I want more out of life than that. I cant transfer because i live off campus and have place for this year and next year already. but i feel like i just cant do it .
OP- take a deep breath. Make two appointments on Monday morning, first thing.
The first with your academic adviser to find out if you can take a leave of absence, and if so, what it would mean in terms of your credits, your loans and finances, etc. You may need to meet with someone in financial aid or a Dean, but your adviser will be sympathetic to you’re feeling that you’re drowning and freaking out and can get these other people on the phone with you to set up meetings.
The second is with a counselor/mental health professional at health services. Be honest about what you are feeling.
You don’t have to stick with college right now if you need to be somewhere else. But you don’t just walk out-- you need to preserve your academic standing so that a year or two years from now when you are healthy and ready to return, you’ve got some options.
You don’t have to deal with transferring right now or planning out your entire life. Just get yourself to counseling, and find out what your options are if you decide to take time out- either right now, or at the end of the semester. Don’t wait until you’re in a psych ward to get professional help about what you are feeling. And if you are truly feeling despondent- don’t wait until Monday. Find out if you can see a therapist tomorrow.
I agree with the above. Maybe you can get a medical withdrawal, but you need to be proactive and find out what your options are to keep your academic status. Don’t just let everything you’ve already worked hard for slip away.
Stop dwelling on your past. It’s behind you. One day, you will realize that the things you’ve gone through help make you a better person, not a perfect person. There’s no gain without struggle. Every single person you will ever meet has made mistakes. Let the past go and stop beating yourself up.
I’m sorry to hear about your grandpa. Acknowledge that you’re upset about him. It’s normal to feel sad about that, but remember, death is a part of life. Focus on happy memories. Be happy that you’ve been lucky enough to have him in your life.
You are not a loser. You’re a person who has had a hard time and who is upset about losing a beloved relative. That is not unusual and it doesn’t make you weak. You need to get to grips with your mental health. If you break your lease, it’s a small price to pay for getting well.
I normally encourage kids to stick it out, but I do think you might be best off going back home. There is nothing wrong with being a commuter. I did it, and while I sometimes think it would have been fun to go away to college, I’m glad I had the privilege of making choices for myself, even when they weren’t great choices. I learned from those mistakes.
Do what @blossom suggested, and do right away. You will be okay. Hugs to you.