<p>We have all read numerous articles about "helicopter parents", over-involved parents and over-protected students. I was discussing this the other day with older parents and they said, we aren't that much different, the kids are more spoiled, but the interest is about the same. The BIG difference was that they didn't have computers and cell phones, there wasn't a big group of students going very far from home and the worries of "what if" that plague parents about which school, didn't really exist outside of the rich.
She gave me examples of the "parent pages" on college sites (Wesleyan has one) where they talk about their kids and the professors, etc. There is CC (which I think is great) but feeds the frenzy of what is a good school or bad, before you had a book or two, that's it...computers weren't used often or for that. No one was reading reviews of students or groups or put that much stock in them...why is the neighbors kids opinion that much more powerful on a student review site?
The bottom line was the new technology is great, but in the years before most people had computers or used them for what they do today, parents worried, missed their kids, but they had the paid phone call once or twice a week and thought their state school was fine and affordable.
Made me kind of wistful, but I realized she was right, our children, (some more than others) have a LOT of things, are more entitled, etc. but it's the technology that feeds the parents...without the email, cell phones, web sites, the helicopter wouldn't circle so much.
The bottom line, was parents didn't change all that much, just the times did. Believe me MY mom would have been much more nosy if she could have! : )</p>
<p>That's true. I was fortunate enough to visit all the schools I was looking at plus a few more (I was one of those who did a "college tour" with my parents), but what did we have -- a few brochures we picked up and impressions we may have had when there. Long distance calls were expensive and the only reason you'd call an admissions office would be if you had a specific problem.</p>
<p>And I agree -- even affluent parents talked to their kids once a week for maybe half an hour tops -- you just didn't spend the money on long-distance phone calls except for an emergency!</p>
<p>Not so here. Never saw my schools till I arrived for Orientation. Orientation, by the way, was the the Mardi Gras it is now days, and there were few parents around. No Parents weekends either. Parents demanding all of this have instigated these changes because colleges count on their wallets. Kids can't work their way through these residential colleges the way it could be done in my day. The difference between min wage and tuition has sky rocketed. Need the parents to pay, have to cater to them more.</p>
<p>One thing is for sure - my parents had NO contact with the university, whatsoever, beyond sending in a tuition check as needed. I don't think they ever spoke with or corresponded with a university official, unless there would have been a problem with a check, which there wasn't. I also don't remember anything at all for parents when we moved in. They moved me in, we hugged and said goodbye, and that was that.</p>
<p>I agree, Pizzagirl. In fact, on Move In day, there were upperclassmen stationed to empty cars as they pulled up to the dorms, covered wagon trail style. They were quickly emptied and sent on their way. The striking difference I see is that these days parents are often carrying stuff in for their kids. In fact, I helped a friend's D move out of her dorm, a very attractive, outgoing girl. I was no looker, not that outgoing but in my many moves during college, I never, ever had a parent help me. We helped each other. I saw many parents moving their kids in and out of the dorms, apts. That is a big change to me.</p>
<p>My parents called once a week—Sunday night at 10:00 pm—and I had to be standing by the one common phone in the dorm hallway. Beyond that, we wrote letters to each other. The nice part is that I still have those letters—both theirs to me and mine to them. When I look at the correspondence, I am struck by the fact that I seem much younger and more na</p>
<p>I was the opposite. Much older and more responsible.</p>
<p>I don't think things have changed all that much - the majority of parents are still not involved in their kids' college education and helicopter parents are still rare. And you think phones did not exist 40 years ago, for a parent to call?</p>
<p>Rather, it is us CC parents that are unusual. After all, how many parents spend time doing what we do?</p>
<p>You can count the posters, so you are right in this regard, Newmassdad. But, I assure you that it raised my eyebrows to see all of those parents moving their kids out of the dorms. In my day, there was not as much involvement. These parents programs are new. I think back to my college days, and though there were some parents as involved in their kids' college life, it is no where like it is these days. I have a kid at our state's large university and it still holds there along with the smaller private schools.</p>
<p>Being a first-generation college student, I was on my own. I'm much, much more involved than my family was (but I'm not a helicopter parent; more like an AWACS Airborne Command Post)</p>
<p>My wife and I talk about this a lot. I spoke with my parents once a week, she wrote letters. None of our parents had any input into what courses we took, what we majored in, what our plans were post-college. (Well, I discussed that with mine some, but more as a way for me to think things through. My wife just told hers -- who couldn't have been that happy to hear that she was moving to California with no job and no real idea what she wanted to do, following a boy they had met once.)</p>
<p>My parents did limit my college choices, but we were basically on the same page after I got my bearings a bit. The college I chose was not the one they would have chosen, and they were upset about it. When I decided where to go to law school, they were so upset they were beside themselves. It hadn't even occurred to them that I would do something that stupid, or else they might have tried to tell me not to. It worked out fine, though. I knew more than they did at that point.</p>
<p>I visited four colleges with my Dad, one of which was his alma mater to which I did not plan to apply. My Dad also took me to college my first year, with my Mom staying at home. They visited me once together that year, and my father came alone for an evening one other time. The next time they visited was graduation. My wife saw her parents more often, but they lived about two hours away, so it was much easier.</p>
<p>We are not remotely helicopter parents, but we have much more involvement in our kids' lives. Some of that is technology, but a lot of it is different expectations -- all their friends' parents are more involved, too, so that just seems normal to them. They talk to me about course choices every quarter. Separately or together, we have visited their college a couple times a year (my wife is known to be willing to accept speaking engagements near there).</p>
<p>Most of our friends are much more involved in their college children's lives than we are.</p>
<p>I had my share of family conflict in college (I graduated in 2007), but my parents weren't particularly helicopter-ish. They didn't come with me to Orientation, nor, as much as I care about them, would I have wanted them there. I talked to them about once a week. I visited them on holidays (other than summer - I spent two summers on campus and one in Switzerland, but I did visit them for a couple of weeks each summer. Neither of them visited me until graduation. I had to tell my mom my grades, and I usually told her what courses I was taking, but she trusted that I and my advisor knew the requirements and my field better than she did, and didn't tell me what to take other than general advice. My parents didn't dictate my major. They didn't call the school looking for me. I didn't call home every time I was sick or sad.</p>
<p>I've seen some pretty incredible cases of helicopter parenting among parents of my peers that have blown my mind. Parents setting 7:30pm curfews on their kids from afar. Parents not wanting their kids to take <em>required</em> humanities classes because they think that the humanities are useless. Parents going through course listings with their kids and making short lists of the ones that they will pay for. Parents who visit, or insist that their kids visit, every month. Parents who call campus police if their kids have gone more than a day without calling them. Parents who yank tuition payments because their kid switched from computer science to electrical engineering (yes, I know someone to whom this happened). Parents who will only let their daughters live in the all-women dorm, even if the daughters hate it there. Parents who speak for their kids. Parents who have to be thrown out of Orientation events that are specifically marked as student-only. Parents who beg <em>another college's</em> laundry service to make a special trip across the river for their kid because they can't imagine his having to do his own laundry (which the kid was perfectly fine doing).</p>
<p>Obviously, I can't say that these helicopter parents are more or less helicopter-ish than previous generations. I don't have anything to compare it to. But I definitely consider them helicopter-ish.</p>
<p>One difference is that as parents most of us have been to college. My parents did not attend college nor did some of my older cousins (those my age and younger did, but many lived at home). They had no real understanding of the process or the opportunities. Their main concern was paying for college and I knew the limits. </p>
<p>My parents did tell me that if I only wanted to be a teacher, I should live at home and go to the local teacher's college. I got to go away to private University because scholarships made it as affordable for them as the local State U. While they did not tell me what to major in, they were very concerned that I majored in something that would let me make money. </p>
<p>The process was almost as competitive when I applied in the mid-1970s (showing my age!) as it is now. I am not a helicopter parent, but I think having some knowledge helped my son end up with a good list of schools - better than the GC offered. </p>
<p>We spoke on the phone once a week at least and I had a phone in my room (as did everyone). I don't typically speak to my son at college more than that, except for maybe when he needs something!</p>
<p>My parents and others helped move us in and out, certainly as freshman. I didn't see many parents hanging around endlessly when I moved my son in last year. </p>
<p>I agree technology is different. Nobody (with very few excpetions) had a TV in their room in the "old" days and we spent very little time watching the ones in the lounge. Not to mention no PCs, video games, or cell phones. Of course we wasted much time playing hearts and other card games and just plain hanging out.</p>
<p>Some parents are very particular about what they want to pay for. With the costs what they are, I cannot blame them. Not much else out there that I would pay that much for. </p>
<p>An old time laundry story. My MIL is in her 80's and went away to a boarding school and college in her day. Back then, at her school, the way laundry was done, was that it was mailed home dirty, and returned via mail, clean. No facilities were available on campus and it was not a consideration to do it by oneself.</p>
<p>I think I had the antithesis of the helicopter parent.</p>
<p>I went to a school on the other end of the state (a long day's drive) and due to a lack of dorm spaces, I was the unlucky one who had to find an apartment situation. In my case, I took a Greyhound to school during the summer, rented my own hotel room, used my own wits to arrange interviews, and put down my own deposit check with 2 perfect stranger senior roommates in a tight rent-controlled market with a less than .5% vacancy rate. </p>
<p>My parents were nice enough to drive me and some basic belongings to this apartment (about 1.5 miles from campus) including the necessary bike. They helped me unload into the apartment (roomates hadn't returned from summer), took me down to the corner market where they sprung for (much to my surprise) enough groceries to get me started. The brought the food back to the apartment, helped me unload it and turned to me and said, "We have hotel reservations about 3 hours away. Gotta go now." They never did step foot on campus (I did the campus tour by myself during high school riding Greyhound as well, going both ways on red-eyes as well as doing my own college application (they did write that check, though), etc.).</p>
<p>From that point on, I moved myself (rented cars). I paid my own tuition and books, although they provided me a check each year equivalent to the cost of dorm w/food. They never asked for my grades. My mom called once, as it was expected that I would call them given my schedule.</p>
<p>Did it bother me? Not really. I didn't know any differently and hadn't come to expect any hoopla. My older (and younger) siblings went to commuter schools, paying their own way. </p>
<p>And you know what? All of us made it. And none of us ended up being boomerang kids.</p>
<p>Am I treating my kids differently? Yes, only because I know that there was a great deal of luck in what came available to me educationally. I have done the basic research for my kids, considering probably a wider array of options than they knew existed. With my Asperger's son, he has required much more "helicoptering" than we would have provided otherwise. He has serious obsession/focus issues that would lead to certain failure without it. My HS junior goalie daughter OTOH has taken my basic research (a spreadsheet with CDS data for the universe of schools with women's hockey) and has developed her list of target schools, developed her own hockey resume (although she did ask for a bit of critique when finished) and has been contacting coaches herself to make them aware of her interest. I do ask how things are going and she does ask questions about schools, but by and large it is her baby.</p>
<p>I think that yes, the availablility of information on the internet has facilitated parental involvement, but by and large I operate on a need to hover basis, as did my parents (The family chopper was grounded earlier in life for us).</p>
<p>Re parents weekend. My parents did not go to college. They attended parents weekend when I was a freshman (I don't really recall it being anything other than a weekend in which they said, "Hey, invite your parents!" that coincided with a football game to give them something to do). In any case, my parents went with me to classes (there were other parents there) and my mother was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that my math professor (who was the classic math geek who hadn't seen a comb in a month and had high-water pants) wasn't wearing a jacket to class. She thought that's what professors should do! I think she envisioned a professor with the tweed jacket with the patches on the elbows. </p>
<p>CPT: I do remember parents moving in their children, but I don't remember any upperclass or other students lending a hand or being part of an organized brigade to welcome new students. I certainly don't think my parents had any contact with the parents of my roommates beyond perhaps a handshake and nice-to-meet-you at move-in. </p>
<p>Then again, our kids don't believe us when we say making a long-distance phone call, even for those who were full-pay, was a REALLY BIG DEAL and not something to be done lightly. Same with taking pictures / developing film! It's so different in the era of cell phones and digital cameras. I don't have many pictures from college (aside from sorority formals) because it was just too expensive to have a camera and develop film.</p>
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was the opposite. Much older and more responsible.
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<p>I was young for my class (late bday) so I was 17.5 when I entered college, turning 18 midway through.</p>
<p>My twins were born in August and are the oldest in their class, so they are a full 16 months older than I was when I was in the same grade at school.</p>
<p>It's quite sobering to me to look at them ... 16 year olds who are sophomores ... and realizing at 17.5, I was a freshman in college, living away from home.</p>
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Nobody (with very few excpetions) had a TV in their room in the "old" days and we spent very little time watching the ones in the lounge.
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<p>Showing my age: I distinctly remember a bunch of us watching the M<em>A</em>S*H finale (1983) ... I remember when David Letterman was the hot new thing to watch for college students ... And the news when the Challenger blew up (1986). I actually was one of the few students to have a small black-and-white (what's that?) TV ... the kind where you turned the dial to get the UHF channels in. I had a friend who was a theater major and had her VERY OWN VCR ... that was huge. It must have cost $700, back then.</p>
<p>My dad wondered why I wanted to go to college in the first place. Then he realized it "was as good a place as any to find a husband" and proceeded to write a check for my first (and only) SAT. That was 1981.</p>
<p>My mom walked out on the family in the spring of my 10th grade in order to "find herself." </p>
<p>So, by comparison, I became a helicopter parent as soon as I bought Barron's guide for my kids.</p>
<p>Oh dear, DougBetsy, I'm so sorry.</p>