I’ve previously posted about my miserable experiences and bad luck in college but have been met with some nasty and judge mental comments by people who don’t know me and my situation. I go to a small liberal arts college in a rural area (Bard College) and am a rising junior. While the academics are amazing, I have not been able to make a single friend and this loneliness is seriously crippling. I had made some friends freshman year who turned out to be two faced and stabbed me in the back. I was bullied horribly throughout high school and middle school and suffer from extreme social anxiety as a result. I have been tested and DO NOT HAVE ANY FORM OF AUTISM just to make that very clear. I have tried just about everything talking to classmates and joining clubs but people are still so cliquey and unfriendly. I make sure to make eye contact, dress nice, have good hygiene and shower twice a day and still nothing. This is particularly frustrating since everyone told me that college is where you find your best friends and like minded people. I’ve become very depressed and am currently in therapy. Although it’s summer right now I am dreading going back to school next fall and having to deal with people who constantly snub and exclude me. Any advice?
Deep breaths.
Is transferring off the table now? Your easiest bet would be your in-state flagship or other public school in your home state. This might not be possible to do if you’ve completed upper division courses or voided some other requirement, but I’d check that. A larger university takes the social pressure off, its easier to be a loner and more people = more friends.
Take a leave of absence for either a year or semester depending on when you can transfer in and try that out,
If that doesn’t work, let go of the idea that the friends you make in college are going to be lifelong or that socially your life starts and ends with college. Seriously. I’m sorry you’re having a rough time, but it isn’t over. In contrast to transferring, try to finish as soon as possible. Make yourself busy with a job, research, or something that takes up a lot of your time besides academics but get out of there.
I have 5 older siblings. Most are married. Between them and their spouses, there’s maybe a handful of college friends still around (5-15 years later). The rest of the friendships have come from grad school, their professions, church, or their post-college hobbies. They are all fine! They are all okay,
It’s good that you’re in therapy right now, keep at it. Maybe you don’t need long term best friends at Bard, maybe conversations with professors or in-class discussions will be enough. Either way, you’ll be fine no matter what option you take going forward.
I am glad to hear that you are in therapy, keep it up as it sounds like you have a lot of trauma to recover from. I am sorry to hear that you are in so much social pain. I think college presents an opportunity to meet special friends in ones life but it isn’t the only time in life when that can happen. I am not really sure what to suggest. This might seem counterintuitive but perhaps taking a break from worrying about it and trying so hard. Be friendly, keep trying clubs and things, but if it doesn’t work now, maybe it will later. Sometimes letting go helps you to come across as a bit more relaxed. Also use the time that you have to yourself right now to delve into something deeply. Maybe take up the guitar or yoga or cooking or running or something and really put a lot of time developing the skill. You may find some fulfilling feelings. You may not have time to delve deeply into things in the future, when you are busy with a job and wife and kids.
Find a club where you DO things together. Thise tend to help in making friends ( for ex Habitat for humanity + join the alternative fall break where you all go build a house).
Another type of club where people talk is a book club, anime club, film club, debate.
I would either transfer to a larger school where you have more people to get to know or really invest yourself in personal betterment. Have you ever tried meditative or crystal healing? Those two things have nearly saved my life time and time again when in situations similar to yours.
Thanks for all your responses. Unfortunately it is too late to transfer so I guess I’ll just have to figure out a way to make the best out of this situation. I just need to figure out how to do so.
OP- Can you look outside of school to create a social circle? We just moved out of state and I know no one in my new town. I rely on social media to keep connect with old friends and I’ve met a lot of new people on message boards and common interest groups. It’s not a great substitute for in-person connection but it helps me stay sane and connected. I hope for you you’ll find your junior year easier. Maybe meeting just one new person could make a difference. I am very sorry that you are having this struggle.
To be honest, I would try to talk to your therapist about the friend issue…are there things you do that are off putting to others? I agree with some other posters in joining a group where you do things…be it religious or hiking or service or whatever.
@bopper I have talked to my therapist about several unpleasant encounters where even when I was being perfectly polite people would give me nasty looks and do things to turn me off
I don’t mean to doubt you here, but do you know those looks are nasty? I am not one who smiles a lot and am often lost in thought passing people. I have a resting “b-face” so they say.
It could be that many of those people are like me.
Otherwise, yeah, I would try to look into an off-campus job or other activities to get you somewhere that’s not campus or not home. Or even Facebook groups related to your interests/hobbies is a good way to bite off the loneliness.
Will you have a car on campus this year? If so, my suggestion is to get a job off campus and find other avenues to fill your time while you are at Bard. There is civilization within 30 minutes of Bard. If you can’t transfer hang on and get through. Get out of there as much as possible. House sit, dog walk, nanny, volunteer…but do it all off campus. Columbia County isn’t too terribly far away and it really has a lot to offer. Good luck.
You’ve spoken to your therapist.
What doe she or she suggest? To be honest, I would think that his/her advice would trump anything you can read here from a bunch of strangers.
Can you study abroad spring semester this year? Look into that ASAP. Applications will most likely be due early fall. Identify a program that has students from different universities. Having something to look forward to will keep you going. Otherwise, do as others have suggested. Join clubs that DO something, i.e. the Outdoor Club or Climbing Club. I looked at the list and there’s a Yoga Club. Good for relaxation. Are you political at all? With the midterms coming up, perhaps there’s a local campaign you can volunteer for and meet like-minded folks.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Keep us posted.
I remember your other threads and will give the same advice: volunteer, get involved in the campus ministry (not just for religious people,) and/or get a job on campus. People who volunteer tend to not be judgmental and the same goes for the campus ministry. Getting a job means you will be in contact with all kinds of people, and in regular contact with others who work where you do. Being in clubs and going to class is far from the only way to meet people. Try viewing yourself as a person who wants to meet others, rather than trying to find friends. First you need to meet people.
It’s great that you are seeing a therapist. Keep it up once you get back to college. And if you are a rising junior, no it’s not too late to transfer. You can attend a college with rolling admissions. Or take a gap year and work, volunteer, travel, whatever, and apply for the following year. I very much get the sense that you are too focussed on the idea that you must tough it out at Bard and face another year of misery. There are a LOT of options for you, and having another bad year is only one of them. It’s also an option you don’t have to choose. Good luck to you.
ETA: your title here is interesting. It’s summer, you aren’t at school. So,how are things getting worse? It might be a very good idea to share this post with your therapist and get some feedback. You were bullied, but that’s in the past. You need to adjust your mindset, whihc is no doubt the goal of your therapist. I seriously doubt anyone is actually giving you dirty looks. It’s your perception. The more I think about it, the more you might benefit from taking a semester off while you continue therapy and work on boosting your self-image. Remember, if someone isn’t being friendly to you, it is highly unlikely because of you. They might have soemthing going on you know nothing about. Give people the benefit of the doubt, and focus on boosting your self-worth. You are a good person and you aren’t responsible for other people’s actions. @paoluchsinger
@OhWhatsHerName well when I’ve tried saying hello or making conversation with these people even if I say their name they will just give me eye contact for second, a blank stare, but say nothing. Once I even held the door for this girl and instead of saying thank you she gave me a dirty look and opened the other door which I just was so rude. I consider myself to be an introvert and reserved but I would not want to come off as deliberately nasty or make a bad impression.
@4Gulls well luckily I am planning to study abroad spring semester of next year. It just makes me jealous and resentful to see everyone else around me so happy in their little cliques. Everyone said people in college are more friendly and mature but that hasn’t been my experience. I guess I need to prioritize my mental health.
Absolutely!!!
And those people who tell you that college is so wonderful are the same ones who told you that high school was the best time of your life. They have no idea of anyone’s experience other than their own.
Your best time may be right around the corner. In the meantime, keep working with your therapist.
Do you know that sometimes one can try too hard? And not only do others sense that neediness, but it can become one’s own primary focus, too much so. “Was she nice to me? Did he smile back?”
Then every interaction becomes about whether we think the other was interested enough. People often don’t want to be “responsible” for our happiness or grounding. They look for friendships where the other is already comfortable in their own skin. Think about aiming for that. That’s why some here advise you to get a job, get involved in research, or community service, a hobby,. Etc. Fill your own life first.
There are no simple rules like looking someone directly in the eye. Sometimes, that makes others feel pinned. But you can try to identify what you are satisfied with, what does make you happy, and let your own inner satisfaction get stronger and eventually show through. Not the need. Not the dependence on others, how they act or stroke us. Rather, your own balance.
A good therapy goal might be to work on our own inner peace, identify that, the glass half full. Find your joys. Find the oxygen.
I’m glad you’re studying abroad in the spring! That is something to look forward to. It will keep you going. Where are you studying? Is it a program with students from all different colleges? Spend time in the fall researching your destination and dreaming about side-trips you can take. Meanwhile, make a game out of the fall semester. Tell yourself you will say “Hello” to 5 people a day or compliment someone randomly. Do so without any regard to whether or not they respond. Once a week, go somewhere or do something you have never done before. It could be as simple as having a cup of coffee in an off-campus coffee shop or trying a new club, like yoga or climbing or outdoors. The climbing or outdoors would have activities that would get you out & about. Fall is beautiful in upstate NY. Go apple picking!
Re your post #8: “people would do things…to turn me off.” Is that their problem, or your perception? Is it possible that you are also being a bit judgemental? Don’t disregard the possibility that the person you take a bit of time to get to know might also introduce you to some really great people who you might get along with. Don’t lessen your opportunities.
My kid, a rising junior at a small LAC, had a very hard time initially settling into college as a freshman, but finally started meeting people when she stopped caring quite so much. She did have a bad initial experience with one group of girls in the beginning that set her confidence back. There were a couple of girls she really didn’t like in that group, one of whom I’ll call Anna. Anna and another girl seemed to make this group worse for my D, and D drifted away from that group and finally found good friends.
During sophomore year, D saw Anna regularly because of mutual friends. Fast forward to yesterday, when D spent the day in another state visiting Anna and a couple of other college friends, because actually Anna is “pretty cool” and D now realizes that so much of her initial bad experieince was due to her own preconceived notions of college being “the best four years of her life”, and seeing that all of her high school friends were (allegedly) having a great time, according to Snapchat and Instagram.
I’m no kind of therapist, but I do think you could ask your own therapist how to start changing your mindset to overcome your past bad experiences and preconceived ideas. College is definitely not middle or high school. You are an adult now, and so are the people at your college.