I guess I’m judge mental because I want to avoid getting hurt again. I’m just fed up with wasting my time on the wrong people.
@Sue22 but these aren’t just “excuses” these are actual things that have happened to me and unpleasant social experiences I’ve had.
@Lindagaf what I meant by the title was that rather than finding mature people and close friends in college I’ve just come across superficial, mean, judgemental, spoiled brats and that even if it’s summer I’m still emotionally drained and resentful against everyone who I feel has done me wrong. This is also triggering back painful memories of adolescent bullying for me.
@paoluchsinger I am sorry for the pain you have experienced, seeing a therapist was a very good decision. While your past experiences have absolutely influenced your social behaviors and mindset, a worthy goal would be to move beyond the historical difficulties. No one suggests that you forget what has happened, yet the many who have given you good advice here know that getting over these previous struggles is necessary to grow and to find peace and happiness.
Relationships will always require some element of risk and trust and I am sorry that people have let you down. Please believe that you can find people you can trust and build on that, but it will take continued effort and risk on your part, and even then, it won’t always work out. Continue to work with your therapist, seek out activities that are appealing to you and treat others as you want to be treated. You will find friends. Good luck.
It’s ok to not want to be hurt. But as a parent, I want to say that sometimes kids don’t realize how they put off others, how what they try isn’t what works- and may be the wrong sort of thing. Can you work on that with the therapist? Not just the pain of the past, but what sorts of interactions, going forward, may be more successful.
Many people do not, eg, like being looked directly in the eye for too long. They naturally look away, try to get away, etc.
No one here is judging you. But sorry, some here have noticed that you are judging our responses. And that you have judged all those other kids on campus. I get that you feel your needs. But sometimes, it helps to learn to catch one’s breath and stop seeing every situation as a battle for what you want. That’s life.
I am not saying to settle for this alone-ness. But to recognize that what you say you’ve tried may not be the “it” that will help. People gravitate to others who are satisfied, working toward their goals, involved with their interests, who look like they care about themselves and their lives and have the energy to go for it. People who don’t look like they depend on every interaction to fill them.
Have an open mind. There must be something on campus you enjoy enough to participate in. The suggestion of community service is good. Build your strengths, your repertory. Bit by bit.
An anecdote. A friend had the most horrendous childhood anyone can imagine. Let your imgination run wild and that’s what she endured. But she determined to overcome, to do good, to fulfill her own promise. In the process, she became one of the kindest and valued women. Bit by bit. Best wishes to you.
OP, almost everyone has endured injustices and bullying. I know I have. The thing that has helped me most was a simple statement: “You can’t control what happens to you, but you CAN control what you do with what happens…” It really is up to you to make a good life for yourself.
The other statement that helped was, “When you hold bitterness and resentment against a person, you are allowing him to live rent-free in your head.” Your negative emotions affect only YOU. Please look through the POSITIVE suggestions in your thread and try to move forward.
@lookingforward I see what you meant. I’m sorry if I’m judgemental but that has become a coping mechanism for me to avoid being stupid and making the same mistakes. It’s just frustrating beyond words that no matter how hard I try to make friends (joining clubs, staying on weekends, talking to classmates, dining hall, etc) I haven’t been able to make a single friend. My own mother who is an extrovert unlike me has given me all these suggestions but I haven’t had luck. I just feel like she doesn’t get me because she’s never been disciminated against, bullied, or had social anxiety like me. I literally cry myself to sleep almost every night. I’m sorry if I’m acting like a victim but sometimes I do feel like I must’ve done something to deserve all of this bad luck. I never thought it would be this hard to find like-minded people or genuine friends. My intention behind coming here originally was to vent because frankly I feel like I have no one in my life who cares. Being “alone” isn’t specifically the issue, but feeling lonely unwanted, disposable, and like I have no support system on campus that is affecting me. I would do anything to just have one friend on campus.
Then you really can’t come out here to complain. If you won’t give anyone a chance, then… you won’t make any friends.
@intparent We’ll I’ve given PLENTY of people at Bard and they ended up stabbing me in the back. This is one of the reasons why I’m so miserable. I’m expressing my frustration at failed attempts because believe me I have tried just about everything with no luck so you can’t say I haven’t tried.
Honestly, going abroad is something that I am so looking forward to. My cousin who had an equally miserable college experience said that it was the only thing she really enjoyed in 4 years. Europeans are so much friendler than Americans and in Madrid, Spain there are way more things to do than in rural, upstate New York. Hopefully, I’ll also get to meet fellow American students who are also far away from home and away from cliques.
Every person at Bard is not a jerk. You REALLY need to examine how you are acting with people if it ends badly every single time. The common element is not necessarily “Bard”.
@intparent I am already part of a Spanish-language newspaper in the area but its mainly people much older than me instead of Bard students just so you know.
Of course OP can come here to complain, vent, or otherwise blow off some steam. She’s clearly struggling, and maybe this is a therapeutic exercise. She appears to be absorbing the constructive feedback being offered here, despite what appears to be a bit of defensiveness that’s understandable after two school years of feeling mostly alone. The least we can do is show some compassion.
@intparent Well believe me I have tried reaching out to people, always have good hygiene, make eye contact, smile, say hello and 99% of my attempts at befriending people are met with snobbery and coldness. I’ve even had people make nasty comments to my face about my overly ethnic sounding name and the way that I talk. Even when I’ve tried to sit with people who are alone at Kline I get shooed away. On my own birthday people who knew it was my birthday chose not to congratulate me while friends of mine in England, Spain, Mexico, and even Australia made sure to do so. I don’t mean to get defensive but I just feel like I’ve been mistreated and that my experiences are being invalidated which frustrates me.
So just roll over for a poster who has a chip on her shoulder, leaves campus every weekend (which is a sure way to not make friends), and has rejected every idea ever proposed to them on CC for how they might get past this issue? Students having trouble making friends get a lot of compassion out here when they start posting, but if they just make excuses and want to gripe without trying the myriad of suggestions they get, then… this is a public forum, and they are going to be told by some posters that they need to look at their own behavior instead of blaming everyone else.
@RandyErika Thank you. All of what you’ve said is spot on. I originally came here to vent because quite frankly I feel like I have no support in my life. While I appreciate the constructive feedback, my defensiveness comes from the fact that I’ve tried basically everything to be friendly and approachable and nothing has worked in my favor. I also envy everyone who is having/had the time of their lives in college and found their bffs just like everyone insisted would happen to me.
@intparent Oh really, I HAVE TRIED staying on campus many times all throughout my first year and was horribly lonely and miserable. The reason why I’m “rejecting” these suggestions is because I’VE ALREADY TRIED THEM" and nada. I am just expressing my frustration. Even when I do analyze my behavior and try to be as happy go lucky as possible people still feel the need to be rude and conceited.
How would you feel if every single person you tried to befriend ended up stabbing you in the back and treating you like garbage? How would you feel if you tried EVERYTHING and couldn’t make a single friend? How would you feel if this social exclusion and cliquiness was triggering back painful memories? I have discusses all of these encounters with my therapist and even have tried to change my behavior depending on the person. My therapist btw is also very supportive of my studying abroad as she feels like it would be a good opportunity to find out who I am, become more confident, and get out of my comfort.
I decided to disclose what my therapist has helped to conclude in our sessions when I’ve discussed issues at college. She helped me realize that college is an intense, transitional period in ones life where people are trying to figure out who they are just like high school. She also acknowledges that my traumatic past affects the way I view things and the people I attract and that I do have legitimate trust issues. It certainly doesn’t help that the people I’ve come close to at Bard haven’t been the nicest.
OP - Just because you haven’t found your friendship niche at your college doesn’t mean you wont find it in life going forward. Totally sucks right now but honestly, I’m only in touch with a very small handful of friends from college. The majority of my friends in adulthood are co-workers, neighbors, and then once I was a mom, other parents. Try to find some peace within yourself, know and feel in your heart that you have value, and try not to let the reactions from other people erode your self worth. If you were my child, I would tell you to continue with your therapist, focus on your school work, and your upcoming study abroad. Supports and friendships don’t need to be at school.
I also want you to know that you aren’t alone. Unfortunately many people have been bullied and experienced tremendous pain growing up. Reach out online and see if you can find some support groups. Your therapist may be able to guide you to more resources. I think sometimes connecting with peers, even online can offer a different kind of support than a professional counselor.