<p>President Al Bloom has a solution in hand:</p>
<p>From: Al Bloom, President</p>
<p>To: the Swarthmore Community</p>
<p>Recent events at and surrounding the college have made it clear to me,
as well as to other members of the board, that there is an excessive
level of stress afflicting the student body at Swarthmore. The recent
series of uncharactistic criminal events have led me to consultation
with the Deans and others on the staff as to what we can do to reduce
stress among the student population. They have informed me that one
of the most pressing issues to Swarthmore student is insufficient
time. Professors tell me that class experiences have suffered as
students skim or skip their work altogether.</p>
<p>Once a student myself, I understand the feeling of a time crunch.
Fortunately, times have changed and today there are solutions to our
problems that were once inconcievable. Inspired by the concept of the
"Swarthmore bubble", our Nobel-prize winning physics alumni have
brought forward a proposal that I passed on to our Natural Sciences
faculty for evaluation, and am now throwing open to the student body.</p>
<p>Using the forces of advanced electromagnetics and other
quantum-mechanical techniques that I do not personally understand,
they propose to make the "Swarthmore bubble" a physical distortion in
space-time. Time inside the bubble will pass at an accelerated rate,
introduced gradually at first, but with days inside eventually lasting
up to 36 hours as we approach finals time. This should allow for the
convienent scheduling of all final exams, even with the added spring
Thanksgiving break, as well as for more free time in general.</p>
<p>The board agrees that this would be an ideal solution to any time
issues, and will continue to research ways to work out the details.
We are negotiating with the immediate neighbors of the college to
assure them that any additional radiation will not cause them harm,
and invite comments on how to deal with the issue of students living
off-campus.</p>
<p>We invite your comments.</p>