Thinking of Transferring to Community College from a 4 Year School

[adayinmay]

So I’m a freshman at a big state university (29,000 undergrads). I came here because it has a good reputation and a lot of people really love the school and it has a nice campus, and at the time I didn’t know what I wanted to major in specifically and it has good programs in many things.

I’ve been here for a while and I really tried to put myself out there and make connections and friends. I tried to befriend my roommate but she’s only interested in her high school friends. I lived in a dorm specifically to try to make friends there, but no one talks to each other in the dorm at all and I hardly even know any of the girls’ names despite trying.
I joined two clubs. One, I was in for a while, but it was a big workload with no payoff, and didn’t facilitate friendship, so I quit. The other is a club sport and I really enjoy it. There are a few girls in there that I am acquaintances with and I do enjoy this club.

I attend a church and it’s okay. I haven’t made any friends there though.

I just spend a lot of my time feeling sad, lonely, and depressed. I don’t really feel homesick necessarily, I just miss being around people who love and care about me. I find myself losing motivation for my schoolwork or even for trying to make friends or do things because I feel so depressed and that my efforts aren’t paying off. I’ve cried more in this past month and a half than I usually would have in a whole year, probably.

So I talked to my parents about transferring schools. I figured I would have to stay through the spring semester and then I wanted to move home and commute to a much smaller 4 year school, just to give me the opportunity to be around my family and support system while also hopefully making friends to live with in the future. They said they didn’t want me to commute, and I either needed to stay here for another semester and transfer straight into another 4 year school and live there, or come home and go to community college for this spring semester.

I don’t want to go straight into another four year school after the summer, living with someone I don’t know again. I feel like I won’t have enough time to look at schools and regroup, and honestly being here hasn’t been good for my mental health so I feel like I’ll need to get that back on track and feel happy and normal again before I go to another four year to live on campus/in an apartment, and I think coming home for a semester would be good. But I also don’t want to feel like I’m giving up or not challenging myself or whatever. I think it would be a big relief to just be home where I’m comfortable and it’s cheaper there too as well, but I don’t want to stifle my growing up process or what have you.

I feel so bad about this because I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed socially and I failed my parents, because I had a big scholarship to that community college but I turned it down to come here and now I’m not happy here. They were all for me coming here though. My parents are afraid I won’t be challenged socially at home, I guess. But I don’t want to stay here and be miserable. And I will have to transfer or my junior and senior year so eventually I will be challenged socially again and have to live on campus/at an apartment with roommates again.
I just feel like I need some time at home to regroup and get back on track mentally.
Any advice?

[aunt_bea]

What you are experiencing is very common. In fact, a number of people in your dorm are probably going through the exact same thing but wont admit it.
There are a number of posts on this site that speak of the same issues you are experiencing.
My daughter went through the same thing. She wasn’t a partier and it was never her “thing”, so, that reduced some of the social aspects with others.

She joined clubs and did all of the right things you are doing. Yet she still had the same problems. I was ready to fly her home at Christmas and be done with it. See, us parents feel even more hurt, if that’s possible, because you hurt, so it tears us apart and keeps us awake at night.
So how to change that? “Daddy” told her to change her focus of trying to be accepted by others, and doing her own thing, and being comfortable in her own shoes.
Our daughter went to her strengths: she’s a good worker. So she volunteered at the health clinic. She met like-minded students that she saw everyday and began to make really good friends. She learned to be comfortable eating meals by herself by going to the commuter cafe. Everyone there is generally by themselves and they check their phones, drink better coffee, have a bite to eat, etc. Then, she got a job working in a lab and met a group of students that she worked with everyday. She ended up rooming with a couple of them.

So before you give up, do things that you are comfortable doing and that are your strengths. If there is a commuter cafe, go there.

Take care of yourself, FIRST!

Check @Lindagaf 's information. Read what she has to say.
Good luck!

PM me if you need more info.

[Lindagaf]

Please read my pinned post at the top of this forum, called To those who feel lonely/friendless, etc… In the comments, I mention that there is no time limit on how long it takes to settle in. Some kids are just now through the worst of it. Others might need until spring semester is underway, or even the whole year.

First, please make an appointment RIGHT NOW at the college counseling center. You are not alone. In a school as large as yours, there will be other kids who are going through the same, and it can take a while to get appointments. It’s free, take advantage of it.

You are not a failure. You are just having a tough time settling in. Ask yourself what will be different if you go to a different school? Running from your problems to a different school is not going to help you. I get the sense that escaping home won’t help either. I think you’ve had good advice above. I also think you definitely could use some help making sense of your feelings.

I will tell you about my introverted daughter. She arrived on campus, and literally two days later texted that “this is not the place for me.” One of her top choices. You can’t imagine, until you are a parent, how hard it is to know your kid is unhappy. We had a few very rough, tearful months, but I was very glad she at least felt she could talk to me about things. Your parents love you and want you to be happy, and we wanted that for our daughter. We knew that coming home wasn’t going to do her any good. We knew she needed to tough it out. It was awful, honestly, for her and for us. But then, we stopped getting so many texts and calls. Come March, she toyed with the idea of transferring, and we said go ahead, but she would have to do the work. She didn’t do it. Your parents might know you a little better than you think they do. And I do hear some doubts in your voice.

It just took time. (I did force her to see a counselor at school.) She had to make an effort though. She eventually figured out things. I would say that by April, she was really happy at her college. Now she’s a sophomore and things are good. She had some bad experiences hanging out with people that weren’t really her people. She had to find her people. I don’t know exactly how she did that. I do know she found it tiring at times, because she needs alone time. You like the girls in your sport, is there even one girl you could suggest getting a coffee with? Is there any study group you can join?

You will find your people. Keep up your sport because you enjoy it. Try volunteering, because you will probably find that kids who volunteer are pretty welcoming. One thing that helped my daughter was joining the knitting club. Get involved in a low-key, no-stress fun activity.

You will be home for winter break in a couple of weeks. For now, just relax. Don’t worry about meeting people. Go home, recharge, maintain a positive attitude. Often, a lot of things fall into place once students return to college in January. I really get the sense that you will be ok, but there are some steps you need to take. Good luck, and keep us posted.