Thinking of Transferring

Parents Forum
1

I’ve been at my new college for a few weeks. But I’m still just not adjusting/loving it the way I should. I love the school and campus, I’m just not at home here.

I don’t drink, party, or sleep around. And I’m not willing to compromise those morals. Because of that, I’m not interested in a lot of campus organizations and that turns me away from a lot of small friend groups. I originally thought that this campus would have less of that than the bigger public schools. I was wrong.

I just haven’t found my place yet. And I don’t think I will. I’ve gone home every weekend, simply because there isn’t anything to do here other than party with your friends. I don’t party, and I don’t really have that many friends. Home is where I’m happiest. I don’t sleep good here.

It’s better for a lot of reasons that I transfer home. All my credits transfer, so I wouldn’t lose any time. There’s a VERY reputable college in my hometown that I wasn’t that interested in before because I thought I wanted to leave home.

I know now that I don’t want to leave home. I also have a very long term boy friend at home (I would never transfer home solely for a boy, I swear) but my heart is broken because I don’t get to see him, my best friends (who are in college at home) and my family.

I basically just need someone to assure me that transferring is an okay option, I’m not a failure because I didn’t love campus life, and people aren’t going to judge. Or are they?

2

Slow down Haley.

Not only have you only been at college for a few weeks, but you haven’t spent an entire week/weekend there yet, AND emotionally, you haven’t made much of an effort to transition to your new life.

Miss your friends? Of course, that’s natural. Miss your BF? Of course, who wouldn’t. Miss your family? yup, that makes you human.

But you haven’t given college half a chance and already you are talking about transferring.

How about spending a few weekends at college doing your best to do things- go to performances, try something you never did before, join a club or activity, attend a concert. You don’t need to drink, party or sleep around in order to make friends. You haven’t found your place yet? You haven’t tried. You will never make friends if you go home every weekend, and you will never find your place if you aren’t willing to exert yourself.

Transferring is an ok option but really- you haven’t emotionally even moved to this first college yet and you’re already moving on to the next one?

There is literally not a single club, activity, volunteer project, job, publication, culinary group, performance, athletic event or class that interests you- not one?

You need to commit to a few months of making this college work. Then come back here and if nothing has worked, a bunch of us will be very supportive of you transferring. But right now? You haven’t tried anything new yet so for sure, the hometown friends looking much easier than pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.

How are your classes going?

3

I’ve joined a club, and I enjoy it. It’s not something I see myself completely throwing myself into, but it takes up some time every Wednesday afternoon.

I wake up every morning sick (I originally thought it was from the medical issues I’ve had my entire life, but the medicine I take daily doesn’t control it) and I only recently started eating three meals a day again.

Every time I contact someone from home, I cry.

Sometimes I can just be walking to class and a sudden, uncontrollable feeling of sadness and loneliness and depression comes over me and I don’t WANT to do anything, I just want to go to my room and cry. Luckily my roommate is encouraging and over the last few weeks I’ve learned to push through that and go out anyway.

All I think about is “This isn’t my mom’s cooking” “This isn’t my bathroom, I don’t like only having a few minutes of hot water” and “This isn’t my bed, this one is tiny”.

There are other reasons I should be at home other than the fact that I’m a homesick cry baby (lol). Financial reasons, family health reasons (I have a 93 year old granny, I don’t wanna get that phone call while I’m an hour away) and reasons of pure convenience.

My opinion on the college at home hasn’t changed, my opinion of this one has. I don’t like the fact that once I get out of freshman living, my neighbors will likely have different guys over every night and have alcohol violations by the time we’re two weeks into the semester.

4

What makes you think everyone at college drinks, parties, and sleeps around? Or that next year your “neighbors will…have different guys over every night” and alcohol violations “two weeks into the semester”? Even at party schools, not everyone parties.

5

I would say you need to go all in and stick it out for at least the remainder of the semester. I think the suggestions of really getting yourself out there and meeting other students will help you a lot. At a minimum stick it out so that you can complete your fall courses and show that you really gave it a shot. I think three weeks it far too soon to get acclimated and adjusted to your new “home.”

6

I agree that you need to slow down. Not everybody parties and sleeps around. I think you need to give it a semester and see how things go- right now it’s way too early.

You need to try and make this work before you decide to transfer. Get involved, eat in the dining hall, join study groups, volunteer, etc. Part of college is pushing yourself out of your comfort zone- that’s not easy to do.

7

My D is also not a partier, and one of her friends freshman year definitely was. However that friend was still a very good person (and good friend) despite liking to drink, etc. She eventually calmed down and now she and my D are actually best friends and roommates.

OP sounds very homesick, possibly bordering on depressed. A lot of people go through this and have difficulty adjusting when first starting college away from home. Definitely try to give it at least a semester, and try to look past moralistic judgements of people that drink for fun, to how they genuinely are as people. And beyond that, I’m sure there are many, many people at OP’s school that don’t drink and have sex every weekend - it’s just a matter of having some patience and taking the time to find her own “tribe” and group of like-minded friends.

By all means put in the transfer paperwork, but don’t let that close the door mentally to the current school. Keep the xfer as a backup, but do try to make the current situation work if possible with an open heart and open mind.

8

I’m surprised you’re getting judged like this, while being homesick is natural, depression is typically not and you would need to see a professional on campus to work out some of your feelings. If it’s not a fit, its not fit, I don’t think toughing it out is going to change that. You should however try and finish the semester and transfer. How are you doing in your classes, are you able to concentrate, do the work etc.?

9

OP, you are not a failure if you go from one college to another…you will still be in college! In my local area, most HS graduates go to the local directional university, live at home, and are very happy. If you don’t mind living at home during college, the savings in housing/meal costs could also be substantial.

If you are certain you will be happy at home, transferring is an okay option. Not everyone is meant to go away to college.

However, like others have said, you might want to try sticking it out for this semester. This is a great opportunity for you to challenge yourself and expose yourself to new opportunities (don’t go home on the weekends!). Give everything a chance, and then if it doesn’t work out by the end of the semester, you’ll know that you gave it your all and will not have any regrets.

10

Agree with above posters. You still have one foot at home while the other is sort of on campus. You need to become a college student. This means staying on campus the first month (you need to do the next four weeks since you have gone home every weekend to date). Home is security, it is also keeping you from independence as the young adult you are.

I still remember my first months of college- lived in dorms a whopping 8 miles from home. A different world. Knew no one (did not hang out with the many HS classmates who went there). Spent time with people in my dorm and went to the bars (18 for beer in WI then) but sat with my small amount of beer. Learned they were not my style. It wasn’t until later I became friends with classmates in my major and found people with my tastes.

It takes time to meet the people who have similar interests and personalities. Being gone weekends means no time to run into people around the dorm, library, union, activities. Spend your time exploring your campus and finding those spaces that feel comfortable. Others like you will also be exploring and discover they like the same places. It could be an outdoors space, the campus union/student center, a library, an off campus coffee shop…

You can offer to study together over the weekend with someone in a class you like. Can’t do that if you leave campus all of the time. Just eating at the same dining place gradually can mean sitting with the same people- on the weekend when everyone has the time to chat.

There is a student counseling services on every campus. Check it out with your problem. You are not the only one having issues like this.

There is a reason you chose this school. The academic program for your proposed major is one. Consider how well you like the classes you are taking and the outside work you do for them. They are the primary reason you are there.

I suspect some of the partying is the typical freshman reaction to the new freedoms of living away from home. Students need to settle down eventually in order to pass their courses. Right now some are binging on a lifestyle they were denied as children living with parents. You seem to be more mature than those students. There are others like you. You will discover them if you spend your free time on campus weekends.

Here’s an idea. Take some time and list positives for your school. The classes, dorm life, the city… Think of everything you can. Next list positives for being at your childhood home. Then list the negatives at home. Compare the lists. Think about how you can have some of the positive home life on campus. Consider the actual hours spent with family- can the conversations be held with Skype/phone calls/texts?

Studying- can be done on campus. Eating- likewise. Sleeping- ditto. Friends- you and HS friends are diverging and you need time on campus to meet people when you and they have weekend time.

Change is stressful. Give it time. Tell yourself you can stay the full year. See how you feel by Thanksgiving.

11

You should stick it out for at least the rest of the semester. During that time, give it a real effort. Remember that in order to transfer, you’ll need good grades, so do your work.

Here are a few suggestions.

If you eat in the dining hall, plunk yourself down at a table where there’s room and introduce yourself. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, sit by yourself, but do NOT wear head phones or read anything. You may feel awkard, but doing those things sends a message that you don’t want to have anyone join you.

Be an audience. Have you met any kids living on your floor? Do they participate in anything? Can you watch or read or otherwise observe it? If so, go. Feel free to ask questions. It’s especially good to go early and ask questions at a sporting event. “I’ve never seen a fencing (or lacross or field hockey or…) match/game. I came out of curiosity. Can you explain the basics ?” Most people LOVE explaining something they enjoy. My D went to a college with a gazillion singing groups. She went to a gazillion performances her freshman year. Sometimes, it’s hard to get an audience for events and then people will be especially glad to see you. .

Somebody on your floor gets the 2 am slot for the radio station? Listen and tell him/her that you though (s)he did a great job/loved the music (s)he chose/ whatever. Recognize the name on the by line in the school paper? Tell the author you read the story and compliment him/her.

Pitch in to help. When you go early to the concert, are they still folding programs, setting up chairs? Volunteer to help. If there’s a dorm party, ask or just stay and help clean up. Volunteering for clean up is one of the easiest ways to meet people.

Go early to class. Try to strike up a conversation with someone near you. “I found the reading for this week interesting/boring/hard to understand. Did you like it?”

If you are at all religious, go to services at school. If you’re going home every weekend, you’re not doing this. My mom kept the first letter I wrote home from college. I was petrified. It’s funny reading it, because I wasn’t sure I was going to like the priest. (I’m Catholic.) He became one of the most important people in my college experience. He was really good at getting everyone involved in activities and was a wonderful person to talk to when you were struggling. Most college chaplains are good people. JUST DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN A CULT.

Does your dorm have a TV lounge? Go down and watch shows there…even if you have a TV in your room.

If you feel down, head to the campus gym or just go for a brisk walk. Exercise can make you feel better.

Give yourself some time. Believe it or not, lots of freshmen are just as homesick as you are. It takes time. Good luck!

12

First, keep up your grades, this will help you transfer. I transferred my self after my freshman year, and 25 years later I almost forget I went to a different college. In the long run, everything will work out, you are just in the middle of a tough time, and I truly feel for you as I will be dropping of my daughter next week, she chose a non partying school so I’m hoping for the best. My best friend at my first school, also transferred. You may find friends not happy at your school and planning on transferring like I did. We had a decent percent transfer and I remember as the year went on, we somewhat hung out together, and supported each other. I’m rooting for you.

13

Your college probably has a counseling center. Go to the college’s website and see what they offer. It can REALLY help a lot to have someone to talk to. Sometimes there are mini-sessions for groups, too, which might be a good way to meet others. And college counselors are very experienced in dealing with these kinds of issues. I promise you, you are not alone in feeling this way! No matter what you are seeing on social media, the vast majority of your high school friends are feeling many of the same things.

Find 2 more clubs to go to. Make an effort to go to their next meetings. They can be anything that you find remotely interesting. The current members want to have new people join them, so they will be happy to see you. Yes, it’s scary to go. But you can do this.

I love the suggestion about getting to class early. Take a seat in the middle. Someone will sit next to you. Smile and say hi. Ask them something about themselves - “Where are you from?” “What do you think of this class?” “Did you understand the homework?”

Do not go home for at least four weekends. And limit your time on the phone with home. If talking to someone from home upsets you, don’t talk to them as much.

You can do this. Remember, you have gotten this far. Now is the time to reach down deep and be brave. You owe yourself the chance to give it a try. Yes, you can eventually transfer if you decide that would be best. Know that that is an option. But please be brave and give this an honest try.

14

You are not a failure. Lots of kids transfer. Go to the health and wellness center and talk to someone there. The prevailing wisdom is that some time around December you will have adjusted. Courage! :heart:

15

Not all kids party a lot. More importantly, there will be less and less of that as the semester goes on. New freshman are probably just get adjusted to freedoms. But soon they will need to start hitting the books more and also finding activities that don’t leave them hung over.

16

There is nothing intrinsically normal about leaving everyone and everyplace you love for a college full of strangers with strange habits and morals. One of every three college students develops a problem with alcohol, and some become alcoholics for years, if not a lifetime. None of that is good for intellectual or career development, nor is it true independence.

What’s “normal” for everyone else is not necessarily good or normal for you.

You decide how you feel. You be your own best counsel. To me you seem reasonable. Trust yourself.

17

Yes, it is perfectly OK to transfer home. Don’t worry about that! In fact, if you haven’t been at your current place long enough to generate an academic record, you could withdraw right now without academic consequences. However, it is posible that you would still be on the hook for tuition/fees/housing/etc. so odds are that you are best off staying to the end of the semester. Stay focused on your classes so that you have good grades for this semester.

Wishing you all the best!