This whole experience has been a huge disappointment

Applying to College
21

<p>I find this really irritating. </p>

<p>I too have worked hard my whole life, without help, coddling or support from my parents, and I have achieved what your daughter has.. if not more (and also went to the most academically challenging high school in the country.. so don't complain about grade deflation.. only 2 kids has gotten a 4.0 in the past 15,000 graduates!). And I never asked for help. I did it all on my own, despite many setbacks and numerous disadvantages (and not disadvantages like race, etc., where that would give me a boost.. at my income, i cannot afford SAT prep like your daughter.. and I do not have supportive parents, but rather a very inimical and abusive family). And I never once played the pity card. Never signed up for a scholarship program.. never told my teacher i was late for class because i had to manage a family crisis.. never asked for help. But I realize that there are students out their whose parents have been micromanaging their lives in hopes of gaining admissions to top schools, and that because of the outstanding advantages they have over me (in ways other than merit, tests, grades, etc.), I accepted it early on that that's the way things happen, and that I will never be able to rewind and give myself the head start others had.. I will always be behind others (even w/ my perfect scores), and my potential is limited. i realized at a young age (13) and have since matured greatly. maybe your daugter -- 17 or 18 -- and you -- 40 or 50 -- can learn now as well, and be very grateful you don't have it as bad as others like me, and that possibly (god forbid!) the people who gained admissions to whatever college were simply more qualified and more deserving. Just maybe!</p>

22

<p>Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ - you are your own worst enemy. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.</p>

23

<p>Persecution complex?</p>

24

<p>
[quote]
3-5 hours of homework each night. She chose to go to a tougher than average college prep school whose grading scale is skewed, so an A is only 93% or above

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That's not a skewed grading scale. An A at a lot of schools is a 95%. I consider myself lucky to go to a school where an A is a 93%. Also, 3-5 hours of homework is typical of most high school students at good high schools.
The point is that there are so many people just like your D who probably carry the same workload and have the same GPA. It's extremely difficult to gain acceptance to the top universities [which I'm assuming is what she was looking at] because of this. Unless you have some type of hook, you cannot really EXPECT much out of the process. I can understand that you're very disappointed, but you should probably put things in perspective and see that your daughter actually did well, considering she didn't get outright rejected from all of her colleges. I know some people who have, and it isn't a pleasant experience.</p>

25

<p>In another thread, NewAtThis06 posted:
[quote]
D was waitlisted at the only school she really wants to go to. She is debating going to school #2 or #3 for a year then trying to transfer, or staying home and going to community college for the year and then transferring

[/quote]
Based on this it seems to me that the OP's daughter was accepted at 2 or more good colleges, but is still stuck on the first choice. </p>

<p>I think one problem is a sort of mathematical cognitive dissonance that arises from using the wrong criteria to define "match/safety". A "safety" is a college where the student is virtually guaranteed admission. I think too many students thing a "safety" is a college where their SAT scores are in the top 25% -- however, very few selective colleges use SAT scores as a primary determinant of who gets accepted. One has to look at overall admit rates -- a high SAT is a tip factor, not a guarantee of admission. </p>

<p>A "match" college is one where the student has reasonably good chances of being admitted, not one where admission is guaranteed. </p>

<p>So here is a case where a student had results that are perfectly normal: waitlisted at choice #1, accepted to choices #2 and #3. If that wasn't deemed an acceptable possibility at the outset, then there would be no reason to have applied to colleges #2 and #3 --- the reason to apply to many is that we all understand that the student can't count on admission to any of them. </p>

<p>I know that disappointment is hard to take, but I also think that a kid who cannot cope and bounce back well from disappointment would probably run into trouble at the first choice college, even if she had gotten in -- not because she can't do the work, but because college life is full of disappointments: a roommate who is difficult to get along with, a class that is difficult to pass, scheduling problems that lock the student out of preferred classes, a personality conflict with a prof, poor quality food, etc. So when some kid paints a rosy picture in their mind about life at their dream school, they are bound to face disillusionment when all is not as depicted on the cover of the glossy brochure. If their response to disappointment is to feel whiny and sorry for themselves..... then college life anywhere is going to be rough. </p>

<p>I'm not trying to dump on the kid here. I think that some 17 and 18 year olds simply have not had enough in the way of life experience to learn how to cope with disappointment. But it is the parent who is posting, and sentiments like "We're all feeling pretty whiny about there being no real reward for all that effort." aren't helpful. Where is the parental cheering squad? What is now suddenly so wrong with colleges #2 and #3 that wasn't apparent at the time the application fee was paid? </p>

<p>Anyway... I'm from the kick-in-the-pants school of parenting and a college application season that ends with a choice between #2 and #3 on the list looks like success to me.</p>

26

<p>Good Grief JC, a psychologist would have a field day with your post.</p>

27

<p>calmom, an excellent post and very well said!</p>

28

<p>I also really agree with Calmom's post (hey, if having top 25% SAT scores makes a school a safety, I should have breezed into Columbia, and not <em>just</em> been waitlisted!!). I also think that there is a philosophical point to make here...if you are working hard and doing things solely or mainly for outside praise and reward, you will spend a large portion of your life being very unhappy, because that praise and reward will be few and far between. I am fully in support of taking a couple of hours, a couple of days, or even (in a bit of a stretch) a couple of weeks to mourn a disappointing admissions season, but after that, it's time to move on and stop the pity party. I hate to get all preachy on people, but while I'm sure that the OP's daughter, and jesus christ (uhh, interesting handle?), and me, and most people on CC all work(ed) hard, I think that we collectively should be careful not to overstate our accomplishments. Much of the country and the vast majority of the world works harder all the time than I do on my hardest day, and gets a whole, whole, whole lot less in return. It's time to put things in perspective and MOVE ON.</p>

29

<p>Sorry it didn't work out. Colleges do try to be fair but sometimes those who deserve to get in don't because of so much competition and so few spots.</p>

30

<p>"Colleges do try to be fair but sometimes those who deserve to get in don't because of so much competition and so few spot." </p>

<p>It is nice to offer some sympathy and condolences but I think it is not helpful to view admissions as some sort of lottery. As pointed out by Calmom, schools don't just use SATs and grades to determine admissions. Schools look for fit and almost all of them prefer students who are turned on by learning. I am sure it was not intentional, but the OP's description sounded like her D was a hardworking, joyless grade grubber who worked endless hours and took the SATs numerous times. Hopefully that is not the case, but if that picture was part of her application, then the disappointments are not surprising. It is important to look for fit. Does the college fit what the student wants and does the student fit what the college wants? A well-researched selection process is very important. Essays and supplements can be very important in conveying the student's personality, interests and fit and can greatly increase the odds of acceptance.</p>

31

<p>


</p>

<p>Great observation!
Scores of high school kids in Asia, those who are in the top, work incredibly hard to get into their local universities. Their rewards are usually pitiful (compared to the rewards enjoyed by top US or European kids) after graduation. </p>

<p>An interesting link below:
<a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/6589301.stm%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/6589301.stm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Mathematicians set Chinese test </p>

<p>Maths enthusiasts are being challenged to answer a sample question from Chinese university entrance tests. </p>

<p>The tests are set for prospective science undergraduates. </p>

<p>The UK's Royal Society of Chemistry is offering a £500 prize to one lucky but bright person who answers the question below correctly. </p>

<p>It has also published a test used in a "well known and respected" English university - the society is not naming it - to assess the strength of incoming science undergraduates' maths skills.
...</p>

32

<p>edad, I wouldn't go so far as to assume that the OP's daughter is a "joyless grade grubber" -- I just think that there's a misplaced sense of entitlement that comes from some sort of naive or convoluted thinking about the admissions process. ("My kid is wonderful, my kid has 'stats' that are on the top end of the applicant pool at College X, my kid worked terribly hard - therefore something is wrong with the world if my kid is not accepted at College X.")</p>

<p>The problem with the reasoning is that it is a competitive process -- and most of the other kids who applied to College X also had great stats and were hard workers. So it's not that OP's daughter is undeserving -- its that other equally deserving students were accepted over her, because those are the students who the ad com preferred. </p>

<p>Of course it is a disappointment -- but I just feel that the parent should be focusing on celebrating the accomplishments of the child in getting admitted to the 2nd & 3rd choice colleges, and helping the daughter make her choice and with working up enthusiasm. I mean... we don't always get our first choice in life, but our successes stem from how we handle what we have and not how we dwell on what we don't have. So I would be more sympathetic to a thread along the lines of "help, how can I get my wonderful, accomplished daughter to cheer up and see the merits of the colleges that accepted her?"</p>

33

<p>"D has worked her butt off for the past four years. 3-5 hours of homework each night"
"She took the SAT study courses. She took the SAT and ACT several times."</p>

<p>Calmom, I hope you are right, but this sounds like something more than a misplaced sense of entitlement. This sounds like the type of student that many colleges want to avoid. Since I went to a fairly selective State U where admission was determined by SATs and grades, I knew plenty of students who worked hard but had no love of learning and were no fun to be with.</p>

34

<p>I do hope my guess is wrong and certainly don't mean to insult the OP, but if this kid's applications read anything like the OP's complaint, some rejections should not be a surprise.</p>

35

<p>Well, we don't know -- but is the parent who has posted, not the child. So we don't know what was written in the essays. A very large percentage of CC'ers have taken the SAT & ACT several times, as well as prep courses. And doing homework every night at a competitive high school is fairly common too. But the point is - it's time to move on, and the parent should be trying to bolster the kid's confidence at this point.</p>

36

<p>NewAtThis, I am in complete sympathy with your plight. Sounds like you as a parent also did a great job these past few years. A few thoughts:</p>

<p>The number of college applicants are at a peak, so it's quite possilbe you did everything right and just got caught in a bad cycle of supply and demand.</p>

<p>A lot of top students got accepted at numerous schools, and when they finally make their final choices there should be a lot of students getting in off the waitlists.</p>

<p>Sounds like you were quite openminded about the schools that would be good for your daughter (the ones that "change lives" aren't the usual subjects). Continue to keep an open mind about choosing among the options currently available. </p>

<p>Keep in mind that the top colleges accept a lot of folks because of sports abilities, legacies, and affirmative action, so it's quite possible your daughter had considerably better credentials than many of the applicants who did get accepted. </p>

<p>Going to a community (or other) college for a year and then transferring is a great option. You learn a lot the first year you apply. The second time you apply everything seems to be much more sane. I didn't get in any college I was thrilled with the first time around...went to a tiny junior college, got decent grades, and transferred to a college that was far beyond what I could have gotten into right out of college. I stress that I transferred after ONE year. A lot of people seem to think choosing the community college option means spending 2 years there. The way I looked at it, spending 3 years at a college I really liked was better than spending 4 years at a school I wasn't thrilled with.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>