<p>I think best is to prepare oneself in advance for the Dday. I knew my DD will feel bad if she won’t get into Harvard so I’ve always asked her to find more about the colleges she has already got into. This gave her time to understand and love the college she have been accepted to before the Dday so the affect of the rejection was not much.
I used to ask her give me two reason that you would like to matriculate at her EA colleges. This motivated her to find more and more information about the colleges and falling in love with it.</p>
<p>I think for some of us -the feeling is like being blindsided. My daughter had the credentials to apply to many elite colleges but was certainly not in by any means. It is hard to have her compared to other kids who got into those schools when in fact her character and accomplishments outshine many others. There are many factors I see that are unfair in college admissions. I would never allow her to apply beyond her scope, she certainly had the chops. She has had to overcome a hearing disability as well. For those students that overcame disabilities and prevailed I applaud you. for those who exploited it … Same goes for athletes, same for legacys etc… you earn your way in . When you enter this game there are no guarantees. I know some of those schools missed out on a great one. I can’t describe how much the faculty loves her, how she drives the discussion, how she loves to learn etc… It’s hard to see her sad. and not excited. for things to end this way is hard. I want every kid to be happy I just want mine to be as well and get what she deserves.</p>
<p>Yes, downtoearth, that is the feeling exactly. How could anyone not see what a gem she is? Of course they are considering thousands upon thousands and of course they cannot really “see” her. But you got it just right.</p>
<p>I truly feel for the OP. This is such a difficult time for those who did not get what they had hoped for, especially for the students and the parents that love them. Remember that the AdCom doesn’t really know your kid-they just don’t. They know what translates well on pieces of paper. Some kids look good on paper, others don’t. For those that don’t, their strengths lie in other areas. That does not mean they won’t be successful. Often times, the qualities that cannot be seen outright and on paper, are the very ones that will make that person happy and successful.</p>
<p>It is so difficult to watch our kids be sad and unexcited, especially after all this time and effort. But time really does heal almost all wounds and one year from now, it will, most likely be a different story.</p>
<p>On a side note: The very first thing I didn’t like about this post was the description of the decorating lockers and the general high school “culture” surrounding college acceptances. Yes, the OP’s D was feeling badly about the college process. It must have made her feel ten time worse having to endure that day. Why do high schools do this?? I just don’t understand. Are they that narrow-minded and prestige-driven that they don’t understand how some students can be affected? What about the ones who have no plan for college at all? Or for those whose families cannot afford it? What a slap in the face!</p>
<p>Re post 156 and 159 by Lisares: she has told me privately that she needs to go back and check my posts, and may have “mixed” me "up with someone else.</p>
<p>p.s. I think that grieving for one’s own child is natural, but that resenting the fate of others is something we should all resist as much as we possibly can.</p>
<p>I agree with all of the above. I’m not actually sure what I’m greiving because my D will be fine and end up where she belongs.She got into some really great schools. I will laughing next year at his time and perhaps be helping someone else out. I think sometimes we need to vent so we can be there for our kids. But just like they survived not being invited to so and so birthday party, or that boy didn’t like them. This too shall pass. Underlying much of this is my grief at my firstborn going away, growing up, I think. and in my mind’s eye I want her to be be where I pictured her and she pictured herself. So I could be assured she was safe protected and happy. That is not exactly realistic I know but a natural part of the letting go process. Our kids will be ok knowing we love them. I truely do wish everyone the best.and thank you for your honest thoughtful posts.</p>
<p>But geez. You’ll feel even worse when you hear that our daughter is at one of the HPY schools. I"ll bet you wish your daughter “overcame an obstacle” like our daughter has, since that is one of the criteria for admission. But I’ll bet you’d like her to get that advantage without the years of suffering that go with it.</p>
<p>The above is the quote from you that you claim I made up. I just found it, copied and pasted it, but don’t remember the number of the post. You said HPY, not Harvard specifically, but elsewhere you have mentioned Harvard and you had earlier mentioned your D had health issues. I did quote you accurately. I did not mix you up with someone else. It’s kind of a childish, silly thing to say, don’t you think?</p>
<p>D made her decision and is perking up and so am I . good luck</p>
<p>Oh for goodness sakes! We hurt when our kids do not get what they want, because we have spent their lives hoping and helping them get what they want. Hurts even more when there is no specific reason for the denials which is often the case in not getting into a highly selective college or getting a prize job. As the stakes go up and competition increases, it becomes very difficult to get those plums in life. And, yes, it always hurts to see one’s child hurting. Just the way it goes.</p>
<p>There is a thread on the Parents Forum about a child holding a parent hostage. Well, in many ways, our children hold us hostage. We want so much for them, more than for ourselves. So it is so natural to feel upset.</p>
<p>I have a S who is graduating next month from college. Yes, I am happy and proud, but you know, I am a flawed person, and I have some conflicting feelings that are not good about the situation. It was not the college I wanted him to choose, and honestly, I still can feel that in my system. Not a good thing, I know, but it is there. I have a lot of these unreasonable feelings even knowing that they are unreasonable. Sometimes I vent.</p>
<p>And that, cpt, is why there are places like CC, so you have a safe place to vent.</p>
<p>I would also add, it only aggravates our tender feelings to be told we ought not have them. </p>
<p>You have every right to feel the way you do, as does any parent who feels their child was hurt, got a raw deal, settled for less, you name it. </p>
<p>We are all flawed, imperfect parents who only want the best for our children.</p>
<p>I really appreciate reading all your thoughts about this. I have H and others telling me that I should just stop thinking about it. It is hard. Glad that I am not the only parent who feels their kiddo didn’t get want they should have or is sad to see them unexcited about the next step. My son is off to college soon. My daughter who will graduate with him is not. We have three others to follow. So, scholarships are important. </p>
<p>He is brilliant. Designated “profoundly gifted” from first grade. The stats this kid had were out of this world. Perfect test scores, the works. Everyone including admin and GC said “ticket to anywhere”. We all believed them. He really wanted Y but being the introspective thinker he is, doesn’t really show up well on paper. No “invented cure for cancer” as he put it when we asked the school to help with Presidential Scholars App. (They never did, already did it for another kid, too much work, didn’t know son, ect) No one here got in to HYP (three large school districts with LOTS of great kids) even though we were told they wanted more from our area for geographic diversity. Only one kid in whole county to get in. Think reason was a non-scholarship with amazing opportunity trip to Middle East in summer before Senior year to work on American/Iraqi relations. Great for other kid, but S knows his stats weren’t as good and just got op that he couldn’t afford. </p>
<p>Well, he has two good but very different choices and neither is perfect for him. One at small highly selective Liberal Arts college and other at very large local state university were everyone else will go. He think he really wanted a more cultured/urban area. We lived East Coast when he was young and moved. He seems so unhappy and confused. He thinks it is all about the money too. It might be. If we had known that ahead of time, we could have looked for other contingency plans that might have fit him. </p>
<p>You can tell by attitude and lack of enthusiasm, he just doesn’t want to go. H doesn’t want to allow him to GAP or take a year off because he is afraid he will lose scholarships at local U. His other choice is go very far from home and into big debt when he graduates in four years. It is East but rural. He is exceptionally bright and knows that the number applying and everything is probably why he got the denies (and possibily the $$), but he really only wanted that one school. The others were really all safeties in his mind but not actually because of acceptance rates. Applied because of what the GCs said. If I had known we were coming to the perfect storm of admissions, I would have encouraged him to look more and maybe not even apply to H. </p>
<p>Now, I don’t know how to guide him. Don’t want H mad, don’t want S to go unexcited and upset and possibly not succeed. Don’t know how to help. I am going to take him to small school far away next weekend to see if he will get excited, I LOVED it there. But, he isn’t really very interested. Don’t think the local large school is good idea because large high school didn’t seem to even know him when it was time to apply to college. </p>
<p>I just think he got a really raw deal in the whole thing. I think he was just their “one trick pony” in academics to bump up the test scores, get the school recognition in competitions, ect. They encouraged the comments you are so smart, ect which just tied his ego into the prestige of getting into one of those elites. He was given a third different GC in three years and she went on leave in Oct, returning in Jan. Didn’t even get his transcripts sent on time and then she sent in a note explaining that she was out and please not to hold it against him. We didn’t even know they weren’t sent. The computer system at the school said they were. It is really ugly and I think he feels no one really cared about him. I am afraid he will just get more of the same at large U. </p>
<p>I tried to get him a position in DC as intern or something for upcoming year because he is interested in politics thinking that I could sell H on it as a GAP, but they are all full for our district. Anyone got any ideas want to do or how to get him out of this “down in the dumpster” attitude. If he could just go to the smaller school and kick butt, he could transfer if he wanted, or maybe he would just love it too. But, with this attitude, I don’t think he will be in a position to do that. If anyone can help with suggestions, or my attitude of feeling that I didn’t do it right, that would be great. Thank you for listening. It really hurts to see your kid feel this way when he was always so excited and happy about learning and not know what to do. It also hurts to have everyone tell you that you don’t have a reason to feel this way.</p>
<p>momma, you should probably start a new thread, but I’ll reply here. Your message is a little confusing because (I assume) English isn’t your first language, but I understand that your bright, accomplished son applied to top schools and was rejected, except for one highly selective liberal arts college. He also got in his state school. He’s disappointed because he wanted to go to Yale.</p>
<p>You wonder whether he was denied from the very top schools because you asked for aid. I doubt it-- the top schools can afford to be need-blind, and they are. Virtually everyone who applies to Yale is highly qualified, yet Yale still rejects more than nine of ten of these superb applicants.</p>
<p>By all means, visit the LAC and hope he loves it. Try to get away from the idea that your son got a “raw deal” because he, like thousands of other excellent applicants, was rejected from the Ivies.</p>
<p>I really am sorry that my post was confusing to you Cardinal. I was really looking for others (who appeared to have experienced some of the same disappointment in their kids choices) to maybe suggest things I might not have thought of yet. I also wanted to thank those who did give some of their feelings and thoughts. It was nice to feel in the company of others in similar situations. </p>
<p>However, I am very disappointed that you would assume that English is not my first language just by my post. I apologize that my “ramblings” caused you to come to that misconception. There are probably many for which English is not their first language who write better than both of us. I guess I am simply not tech savvy enough to understand how this posting works. </p>
<p>Thank you to the individual who replied privately with your suggestion. It was welcome. I will look into those things.</p>
<p>momma17777, Sounds like your S did suffer from lack of attention from the GC, but I guess that is not uncommon, unfortunately. I am amazed at the stories of kids being told they cannot apply to certain schools because someone else is considered a better candidate. At least that doesn’t happen in our school. Kids can apply wherever they want, although the GC will speak up if she think’s it’s an inappropriate choice. And if a whole raft of kids all want to try for the same popular school, well then they all go for it!</p>
<p>Anyway, there will always be some sort of compromise. Maybe your S can go the the excellent LAC in the east, but will have to give up a stimulating, urban area. Or stay at the big state school but give up the more personalized atmosphere of the small LAC. </p>
<p>It’s natural for him to feel disappointed and unenthusiastic about his choices at this point, since they are not what he really wanted. But from all the stories I have heard, most often when the student gets to the second, or third, or fifth or whatever choice school, it turns out to be a good choice after all. </p>
<p>I have a colleague whose D was unhappy at her second or third choice school at first, she went through the paperwork to file for transfer, but then decided that she was beginning to see the benefits of the school she was at more clearly. She decided she was beginning to really like it and she will not transfer. Happy ending, after a rocky beginning. I have a friend with a different story. Her D was unhappy and wanted to come home after only 2 weeks. The parents refused to allow it. She stayed for a year, got good grades, and was able to transfer to a school she liked better. She still has close friends from that first school, one of whom is now her roommate now that they are out of college, so the first year at the less-than-ideal school proved valuable in the end even though she transferred.</p>
<p>Someone sent me a great quote about all this, something to the effect of “They key isn’t getting what you want, but wanting what you get.” Another way to say it is, “Bloom where you’re planted.” I’m sure your talented S can do this, and can either enjoy being a top student at one of his lesser choices or be able to transfer to somewhere he really wants after the first year.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>Sheryl Crow</p>
<p>^^ or as CSN&Y sang
" If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with!"</p>
<p>^^Or the Rolling Stones–“You can’t always get what you want…But if you try sometimes well you just might find you get what you need.”</p>
<p>dang. ellemenope beat me to it.
:)</p>
<p>^Well, think of some Beatles song then…</p>
<p>I think when the dust settles and the dissapointment clears things will be better. Not perfect. I find it hard to not have an overjoyed kid. I wonder what the percentages are of happy vs not so happy.Some of those rejection letters are nasty. I told my D she was not the only one cryng that night. The process is so arbitrary, its very frustrating because there really is nothing you can do if you don’t have some connection or superb hook. But it is what it is. I think your son and you were set up for dissapointment. It is also difficult because everyone is talking about this one or that one and where they are going etc… You can’t even lick your wounds in private.That will go away by the summer. Our kids have worked so hard and they are so young. I spent alot of time thinking about what I should have done differently, because I had ideas and was vetoed by my H. I turned out to be right, but that is small comfort. Anyway visit the school he may LOVE it. If not go to the other one and transfer. Have a plan. Does it make sense to go into that debt .? Most people have to consider this too. He would be in the vast majority having to consider this. There is a kid in my area going to State school after getting accepted to Princeton for econmoic reasons. It is pretty common this year. This no doubt was the most difficult year to get into college. Nobody failed kid or parent. AS I have said before- the system is flawed. I hated from the start that someone who didn’t know my D was deciding her future.Anyways sorry Cardinal Fang, I too am rambling, and my writing and punctuation are flawed LOL, but try to let go of the emotion , make a plan and continue on with a positive spin. You are not alone. P.S. I vote for Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks.</p>