Thought I was going to LOVE college and have FUN...but I'm not?...

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Hey everyone!
I am a freshman and before entering college I was so excited!! In my head I thought I was going to have that amazing college experience that everyone always talked about.
But....I entered college...and it isn't fun for me.
I mean, the first week everyone on my floor was friendly and all, but they seem very cliquey. The RA tries to get the whole floor together for dinner and stuff, and when I come along, I'm always just sitting there and no one talks to me. Yes, I have tried initiating conversation. And I'm not socially awkward. I CAN be shy sometimes, like I'm not SUPER outgoing, but I TRY to talk to people on the floor. I just feel really left out and uncomfortable when things like this happen.
So far, my classes are fine, I've met a few nice people in class and I guess we're friends, but like they have their own groups that they eat lunch/dinner with and hang out on the weekends/ </p>

<p>I feel depressed a lot because I feel like I'm alone most of the time. I don't have that group of friends that everyone has when I look around. And all my friends that I had in HS are having the time of their lives in college! Like, I go on facebook and they're out like everyday with their floormates and stuff. </p>

<p>My floor is more like the party floor and I guess I don't really click with them... :/
I'm not trying to complain or anything, but this loneliness is really getting to me. I've also tried joining clubs, but the ones I joined only have like meeting 1x/month and they're mostly upperclassmen. There's not really a sense of community.</p>

<p>I'm so used to having friends around me and hanging out and stuff that I feel like I'm getting depressed here and I can't take it anymore. And I have tried talking to a lot of people...they just seem to brush me off or want to only be "acquaintances"?</p>

<p>Any advice? It's gotten so bad that I feel like I want to drop out and transfer somewhere else. Or are these feelings normal? It's been about 3 months already.
Please I will be grateful for ANY advice!</p>

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<p>Perfectly normal to struggle the first semester of college… the best thing to do is just keep on goin’. You’re also away from family and HS friends for (probably) the first time on your life, so everything is changing, and there is an uncomfortable adjustment period.</p>

<p>Any people in your classes that you can study with? You may not match the personalities of those who live near you, but you can spend time with a group of others in the library or in someone’s dorm, say, working on homework or studying together. I am 100% positive that there is someone at your college who you would enjoy spending time with – the only way to find that person is by exploring.</p>

<p>Don’t worry! Stay open-minded – you will enjoy it!</p>

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<p>Yeah, I know how it goes. I had a couple of awkward dinners with the RA and hallmates back my freshman year and after that I pretty much bailed out on college hall dinners. My advice would be to get a boyfriend (or a girlfriend if you’re into that sort of thing) and have him show you the ropes and then slowly move up from there.</p>

4

<p>You’re not alone. People are generally very accepting in my college but in my dorms people generally keep to themselves and during the weekends the campus is empty. Its a UC, but it’s not really a commuter school. It’s hard for me to find people but I have found some by going to clubs I like and I know a few people in my classes. Some say making friends in lecture is not effective but it’s still worth a shot. </p>

<p>My college is in a forest, so there are so many places to explore which I do all the time. I’m self-reliant and introvert though but you should try to spend less time in your room.</p>

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<p>asianamericanson, no offense, but that’s really unhelpful advice. She’s clearly struggling and having a hard time, and your advice is “get a boyfriend?” Where is this store where you can just produce a great boyfriend if you want one? I feel like the thing to say to a girl who is having a hard time isn’t “find a man to help you.”</p>

<p>The first semester of college can be lonely for quite a few people - you’re definitely not the only one who feels that way. I know friends at my school who said that they really struggled to make friends their first semester, and I often felt lonely and homesick my first month or so as well. All I can really say is that eventually, something clicked. There are a lot of people who became my good friends because we have class together and would go grab lunch afterwards, and others who I got to know in completely random ways, like being on my school’s publication staff.</p>

<p>Don’t give up. Know that even though you’re having a hard time, you’re still a wonderful person, and remind yourself how great you are. Have you ever tried asking some of your friends from class what they’re up to? As in, after class, ask if they want to get a meal sometime, or if they have plans on the weekend, or something like that. It can’t hurt, and as long as you’re friendly when you ask, it could open up an opportunity to meet new people.</p>

<p>Also, this might sound silly, but have you ever tried baking in your floor/dorm kitchen? Sometimes I find that offering people food (“hey, I made cookies, want to try one?”) is actually a really nice way to start a conversation. I know that sounds dumb, but that was how I actually became friends with a few people on the floor below me - I would walk past the lounge, and a few times the same girl was baking and would ask if I wanted to try something. Eventually, we got to talking, and now she’s one of my good friends.</p>

<p>If you truly think you might be depressed or have a problem, I might also recommend seeing a counselor. Most schools offer free counseling through the health and wellness centers, and just having someone to talk to is surprisingly relieving.</p>

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<p>Well, the “maleness” of the answer shouldn’t rile certain feminist sensibilities since I did say a girlfriend would work just as well. So the answer would boil down to “find a PERSON to help you.” It’s probably hard to notice everything in a short comment when one’s line of sight is blocked by a chip on one’s shoulder–just a bit of advice for your future gender police patrols. Anyways, I’m just telling you what seems to have worked for some of my other friends and they don’t seem to be unhappy.</p>

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<p>Thanks guys!
I don’t know why this is bothering me so much :/</p>

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<p>Clubs…activities that you might join? A lot of them welcome new people :)</p>

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<p>I am with OHmomof2- clubs, activities, and another person mentioned study groups.</p>

<p>Study groups are particularly helpful because the people in the group have to talk to you! If you have any tests coming up, see if you can get a few people together to study for it.</p>

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<p>Well my son is on his way to college next year. We have the exact same fear you had. he had that problem going to high school. We choose one that was a bit of a distance he knew no one. But when we moved, he pleaded to stay even though it would be a commute for him.</p>

<p>All I can say is community happens. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but eventually. Does help to pick up on social queues. I mean if you have gum or candy and someone you are an acquaintance is there you take a piece and offer them a piece. It’s the small things that create those connections. Do you have any hobbies? My son is a total D&D nerd and plays all different kinds of instruments (self taught). It’s just random connections. I hope you get outta your depression. I will say that as an adult it even happens now randomly to me that depressed feeling. It’s part of life, you just have to find things to distract you from it. Or be active to get out of it.</p>

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<p>vlines - haha just like that show community ;p</p>

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<p>Can you find other clubs or activities that meet more often than once a month? Or offer to organize something more often or some special activity for one of the clubs you have joined? Brush off the “find a significant other” advice, IMHO. If you have that person, but then break up, you are right back where you started! It is really a pretty poor basis to build your social life around, cuz you are really stuck if it goes south.</p>

<p>Start thinking about next year… is there any “interest housing” on your campus that you might like? Say, a language house, or the sci fi house, or something like that? I think those groups tend to be pretty social because you share a common interest with them.</p>

<p>Your HS friends may be partly putting on a front, too. They are not all having the time of their lives… and some may be partying too hard and/or not doing too well in classes. </p>

<p>Finding someone to eat with is actually one of the toughest thing in college! I don’t have too much advice, except feel free to go to another dorm or cafeteria on campus if someone from your classes is going to go there. Or sit down with someone else who is eating alone and strike up a conversation. Or sit down with people who are just “acquaintances”… that is how those people become friends, sometimes. Although if they are almost done when you arrive, that just doesn’t work so well.</p>

<p>If all else fails, this is a great time to boost your GPA. :)</p>

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<p>In my freshman year, I spent a lot of time in the computer labs and hung around with the few hackers back then and we had a little community. I also spent some time in the recreation complex playing tennis and working out.</p>

<p>My son spent more time socializing with professors in his freshman year. It took him a while to get friendships with other students - I think that was due to an impedance mismatch in maturity.</p>

<p>Your username contains “sporty” so are you into things that your school has intramural activities for? If you’re generally fit, could you join an activity? My son had a friend that joined the rowing team - as a caller. I don’t think that she had any experience with rowing before that.</p>

<p>Could you find a job on campus? That can be a way of meeting people too. The interactions might be relatively short but sometimes a few can be longer. Son was a tutor and he helped out other students and got to know many of the students that came in for tutoring along with the other tutors. The tutoring center had various activities and events for the tutors too.</p>

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<p>When I was in college (many years ago) I was a member, then president of an organization that had a huge, very specific annual project. There was lots of physical work to do. You could get the same effect by joining a group that organizes food drives, fixes up houses, or does something else that is service oriented. It is easy to start talking to people without even an introduction when you need to ask, “where are the extra paintbrushes,” or “hey, can you hold this so that I can line up the pieces straight?” The people that I met through my organization are the only people that I am still in touch with from college, with the exception of one roommate. The people in the group were the ones I bonded with the most because we spent so much hardworking time together. Most of these groups will offer some social events also, such as a meal at the end of the day, or a party or fun activity every couple months. I hope that all goes well for you!</p>

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<p>Exercise is a great way to fight depression. It could also be a great way for you to meet people. For example, if you like to run start knocking on doors and tell people you’re putting together a running group that runs 3X a week or whatever. If you love soccer get a group together from your hall and form an intermural team or just join a random intermural team. Same goes for any sport. Or just go to gym on a regular basis. Even if you don’t meet anyone, you’ll feel better about yourself mentally and physically. </p>

<p>I had this a similar problem in college and running is what got me out of my funk. Once I started feeling better I must have radiated that outward. It was like people were suddenly magically attracted to me and guys started asking me out like crazy.</p>

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<p>I know this advice is hard to feel good about now, but really do give it time! I was a college freshman 12 years ago, but I still remember that first semster of college, bouncing around to different friend groups and not really fitting into any. Then, all of a sudden, I created one very good friend, and we then became connected into a larger group of friends with whom I’m still close today. I would say, if you are more introverted like I am, perhaps just try to establish one good, close friendship and work from there.</p>

<p>Also, something someone told me years ago when I first started at a new job, he said “If your co-workers ever invite you to go out after work, just say YES.” and I can tell you, it has been great advice for me – and you could translate that to “after class.” If someone wants to grab lunch, dinner, coffee, go out (as long as you don’t feel pressured to do something you are uncomfortable with), then I say do it. Just say yes and gather all of those experiences. Sometimes it’s just one of those fun college nights that all of a sudden turns into a strong bond of friendship. So as much as you feel comfortable doing so, I would say, say yes to all of the invites that you get.</p>

<p>And finally, don’t believe everything you see on FB. I once heard the quote “I wish my FB life was exciting as my real life.” Usually FB only reveals the highlights of a person’s life, and people who might be trying to look like they’re having a blast (when inside they might be lonely and struggling like you), could easily portray their life as super-social and fun with a few FB posts/pictures. Don’t worry. Something will almost definitely click for you. And if not, then, if you’ve given it enough time, you could think about transferring.</p>

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<p>Okay thanks for all the support guys!
And where do most people meet their close friends?
Class? Clubs? Dorms?
And do most people find apartments to share after freshman year?
I really want to get an apartment, but again, I don’t really have people to share with…
Also I heard that most people find their true friends as sophomores, juniors, seniors? Is that true?</p>

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<p>My closest friends have come from living off-campus (I’m good friends with my current roommates and the ones I had last year, I stayed in the house but they moved out) and from my upper-level, major-specific classes.</p>

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<p>just lower your expectations. i was depressed last year until i just accepted college to continue to be a lonely, unfulfilling place. i made one goood friend and im happy now with my lack of fun in life.</p>

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<p>I’m also a first-year, and I’ve been going through my own spells of depression and anxiety for the same reason. I never had a close-knit group of friends in high school, so I came to college wanting that, but I would have anxiety about constantly going out on the weekends to spend time with people and fit into a group. I quickly realized that I was forcing myself into social situations and oftentimes felt like I didn’t have much to contribute to the group–I was only there because I felt like I had to be.</p>

<p>I took a step back and started reconnecting with myself and the things I’m passionate about. I reached out to different organizations on campus, applied for a couple of programs that I felt would be fulfilling for me, and started making more time for leisure reading and my own writing (which is my passion). The more I felt fulfilled through my own activities, the less I felt the need to feel fulfilled through fitting into a close-knit friend group. And the more energy I put into the clubs that I truly cared about, the more connections I made with others. I still don’t have a best friend or a group of close friends, but I feel like these things are falling into place because I’m pursuing what I’m genuinely passionate about.</p>

<p>Adjusting is hard. For everyone. And making the effort to move beyond the depression you’re feeling now is really difficult. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had anxiety because I didn’t know when I would ever feel comfortable with my living situation. But trust that it will all work out, and that you’re not alone. If possible, try talking to others (maybe your roommate or your school’s counselor), because it might feel much better to say your thoughts out loud instead of letting them fester in your head.</p>

<p>Good luck! And feel free to message me. I always thought it would be comforting to talk to someone else who shared the same anxieties.</p>

<p>(Getting a boyfriend will not help. I currently have a boyfriend from a summer program at our college that we both attended, but being in a relationship makes it harder to make friends and go about your own life, which is something I’m handling now as well.)</p>