<p>A few of the HADES schools have had substance use incidents this year that have been publicly mentioned (in chapel talks/school meetings/student papers/websites).</p>
<p>Instead of containing the discussion to one specific school or another, it was suggested that the discussion be a separate thread since it's an issue that might be important to families no matter what school they are considering.</p>
<p>The book “Perfectly Prep” has a long and insightful chapter on “fun” at boarding schools, which is usually a euphemism for D/D. Worth a look, and generally applicable, IMO</p>
<p>My thought is that there is a ‘drug culture’ at all high schools. I think you could argue that some schools - boarding or public - might have a different culture due to the leadership or local community and it is not as pervasive. </p>
<p>I believe there have been a few posts by current or past bs students that have said “Yeah, it is there - but if you don’t want to be a part of it you don’t have to.” I think it is less about what bs you attend and more about what choices the student makes.</p>
<p>Schools and parents must educate (themselves and students) and communicate about drugs (which includes alcohol and caffeine!). Those that do will have healthier communities - but doubtful will they be drug free. On my nightstand are “Just Say Know: Talking with Kids about Drugs and Alcohol” and “BUZZED: The Straight Talk about the most used and abused drugs from alcohol to ecstasy” - both by Cynthia Kuhn, Scott Swartzwelder and Wilkie Wilson. And “From Chocolate to Morphine: Everything you Need to Know about Mind Altering Drugs” by Winifred Rosen and Andrew Weil.</p>
<p>On my ‘to-do list’ is a webinar on Monday, March 7 entitled Marijuana: Medicine, Myths and Motivations that my teenager and I will participate in together. (Part of the Campus Outreach Services - and I highly recommend -
[Parent-Connect</a> 2009-2010](<a href=“http://www.campusoutreachservices.com/ParentConnectSchedule10-11.html]Parent-Connect”>http://www.campusoutreachservices.com/ParentConnectSchedule10-11.html))</p>
<p>My primary goal is to help him understand that his brain is going through so much change during these next 10 years and he cannot afford to muck it up because there is no going back to fix the gray matter. Since his intelligence is his only ‘hook’ in life this is important.</p>
<p>Secondary is the very real risk of expulsion from bs. A kid caught with drugs in the ps may get consequences, but not kicked out of school (certainly not on a first offense.) There are no games to be played in BS as we have seen from these recent occurrences. Attending bs is a priviledge and it is his responsibility to take this seriously.</p>
<p>I don’t fool myself that by talking to my child about drugs he will suddenly say “Gee, my Mom is SO SMART! I don’t think I’ll ever try that.” They are kids after all and most of them will taste alcohol, smoke a cigarette or weed, etc at some point in their under 21 life. </p>
<p>What I am hoping is that helping him understand the risks of using drugs will be enough to moderate his behavior through these adolescent years.</p>
<p>Sevendad, thanks for starting the new thread and mamakiwi, thank you for your thoughtful comments. </p>
<p>Although I counsel my own teens to stay clear of drugs/alcohol and hope and pray that they do, I am aware that it is something that happens at ALL schools among SOME kids. I am surprised on this board when I find parents and students so shocked about the fact that there is some drug/alcohol use at boarding school, although it is not done by the majority of students. Where are these schools where NO ONE does drugs or drinks alcohol?? My guess is that those so surprised and shocked are either students who are not yet in high school or parents of children who are not yet in high school and who have forgotten their own teenage years. News flash - some high school kids have sex, too! Gasp! ;)</p>
<p>@doschicos: Though I remember my high school years quite well (and with equal delight and horror at some of the shenanigans we got into!) I am one of the parents with kids not yet in high school, and yes, I am among those slightly shocked by the recent publicized BS substance use cases. </p>
<p>My shock is not that some teens do it, but that kids at these elite schools do it in such numbers to have warranted all-school communications on the subject.</p>
<p>These kids have been chosen through a rigorous selection process that has pre-occupied many of us for the past few months. They are supposed to be the best of the best. And yet, we see that they are really no different when it comes to lapses in judgment or flouting of rules than the average kid at an average public school. Surely you can see where there might be room for disappointment for the outsider looking in.</p>
<p>Prayer! Thanks doschicos for bringing that up… I forgot to mention it is my third line of defense after education and communication!</p>
<p>What was that three letter word? :eek: sex? :eek:</p>
<p>@SevenDad - I was where you were a few years ago… ah, those rose colored glasses! How nice it is to think that some of these kids can escape the realities of their physiological bodies. But they cannot. And no matter how smart or high achieving, their brains are all going through this crazy development that sometimes means it veers way off course and they make really dumb decisions…After all - no matter how ‘perfect,’ they are still just teenagers.</p>
<p>Yes, it disappointments me also to think that I cannot parent my child to always make good decisions and it IS somewhat disappointing to think that even the ‘best’ kids are still kids and make some wrong choices.</p>
<p>It is a good sign when a school can openly discuss these issues and not sweep them under the rug and pretend. Education and Communication… oh, and don’t forget prayer!</p>
<p>Everyone has a different definition of what would constitute a problem, when it comes to substance use. </p>
<p>In college, I had a roommate who worried her mother was developing a drinking problem. Her mother had started to have wine with dinner 1x or 2x a week. I grew up in an environment in which all the adults drank, socially. (This is an argument for diversity of background, by the way, because it leads to great discussions.) </p>
<p>So, I would ask for people to not get very angry at other posters for having different definitions of substance abuse, and different definitions of what constitutes a problem.</p>
<p>@Sevendad, you say,
</p>
<p>They’re 13, 14, or 15 when they go through the process, on the whole. I don’t think that one can know how virtuous one is until one faces temptation. Most middle schoolers haven’t had to say “no” to drugs or alcohol (I hope.) Also, middle schoolers go home at night. I think some problems with substance abuse reflect the family, not the school. There are people who have substance abuse problems, but only their families know.</p>
<p>I also think that we, as adults, form expectations for students at leading high schools which reflect our image of how a successful student should behave, rather than how they do behave.</p>
<p>Definitions pose no problem to me whatsoever. You meant the above example on “social drinking” as a farce, right? Or as semantics, to soften the blow? (pun unintended)</p>
<p>Here are the pertinent Phillipian and Exonian articles, as well as SPS chapel talk (certainly there are hordes of other schools with the same issues):</p>
<p>ANDOVER:
[THE</a> PHILLIPIAN: All-School Meeting on Alcohol, Marijuana, Nicotine, and Cocaine](<a href=“http://phillipian.net/article/10085]THE”>Article: Antonio Pulgarin Speaks to Toxic Masculinity, LGBTQ+ Rights, and Latinx Issues in New Exhibition “Whispers of a Caballero.” – The Phillipian)
[THE</a> PHILLIPIAN:Twenty Investigations, Fifteen DCs Result from Room Searches](<a href=“http://phillipian.net/article/10084]THE”>Article: Antonio Pulgarin Speaks to Toxic Masculinity, LGBTQ+ Rights, and Latinx Issues in New Exhibition “Whispers of a Caballero.” – The Phillipian)</p>
<p>EXETER:
[EXONIAN:</a> Eleven Marijuana DC Cases This Year](<a href=“http://theexonian.com/2011/02/17/news/hassan_to_stuco_lets_address_marijuana_use_as_a_community]EXONIAN:”>http://theexonian.com/2011/02/17/news/hassan_to_stuco_lets_address_marijuana_use_as_a_community)
[EXONIAN:</a> Principal Hassan Raises Drug Concerns with Parents](<a href=“http://theexonian.com/2011/02/24/news/hassan_raises_drug_concerns_with_parents]EXONIAN:”>http://theexonian.com/2011/02/24/news/hassan_raises_drug_concerns_with_parents)</p>
<p>ST. PAUL’S
[CHAPEL</a> TALK: Prompted by Recent Drug and Alcohol Discipline Cases, Rector Matthews Asks Parents’ Help](<a href=“http://www.sps.edu/common/news_detail.asp?newsid=589279&L4=1&tabs=news]CHAPEL”>http://www.sps.edu/common/news_detail.asp?newsid=589279&L4=1&tabs=news)</p>
<p>So what is substance abuse? When I read investigations, room searches, serious concerns, local law enforcement and state police getting involved, phones being tapped, students arrested (“taken into protective custody”) and later appearing in Court and dismissed from school…</p>
<p>…then I know there is abuse. And I certainly do not reach for Webster’s for the definition.</p>
<p>When your own children are in a community where substance abuse breaks open, you get concerned. Because it is also an abuse of trust. People may do all sorts of things, but most Americans (even as kids) are not stone drunk or high as a kite so often that losing coordination, they fall into the embrace of the D-E-A. (And since Forumers love statistics, let me ask, what % of adults with “advantaged” backgrounds were ever arrested for illegal drug or alcohol use? I rest my case on the tenuous idea that “experimenting” with coke and hallucinogens with subsequent criminal action would constitute “grist for the learning mill”)</p>
<p>Yes, we all make mistakes. But as several others have rightly remarked, there is a difference between mistake and big-time foul-up. Mugshots are not for your Facebook page, kids! And while off-campus you may decide to drink, smoke and use drugs all you want, on campus, the school rules stand. Don’t break them big, or you, and you alone, will face the consequences. Your excuses are your own, as is the responsibility for your own actions. Welcome to the world of adults.</p>
<p>I am astonished that this would have to be explained again and again. Is “just say no” only to sells stickers and unread books? There are always a few who don’t, can’t, won’t. But while most teenagers do do some dumb things, getting detained at a top BS for drugs or alcohol is beyond dumb. As are adults confusing kids who experiment as teenagers with the ones the feds arrest. The law has never cared how smart you were, unless you stayed within its boundaries (extrication attempts by wealthy parents notwithstanding).</p>
<p>In sum, take responsibility for your personal life. Bring good things to the community that selected you (and which you chose to be a part of). And if you face real problems, do not run away. Own up to the problems fast and straighten out before it’s too late. You can (1) withdraw, seek help, and sober (grow) up, or (2) quit.</p>
<p>The choice is always yours, because nobody else physically forces you to be in Absolut Ecstasy.</p>
<p>Most" students at BS avoid drugs and alcohol. But clearly the emphasis falls when a handful break the rules. It is admirable that campuses deal with it in the open rather than the old days when it was swept under the rug - or a massive donation kept the student in school.</p>
<p>Despite their academic prowess - most adolescents are still “developing” in terms of cognitive thought and impulse control. The average person’s brain is not fully developed until their mid 20’s. We joke that the common sense gene doesn’t fully activate until 26.</p>
<p>There are some things to consider - some BS students are getting more attention on campus than they did at home. Some of the most emotionally “neglected” kids are those who enter possessing every economic advantage. That’s a positive since some schools give second chances and do take active steps at intervention because they know sending the student home is a worse choice.</p>
<p>There is also a possibility that drug use began closer to home. Drug use in my city is higher at elite private schools than at public schools. There the students frequently carry cash in large bills and drive brand new luxury cars. My daughter went to the senior class outing and called to ask if it would be weird if she slept in the car instead of in the formal tent the parents rented. Why? Because the girls were drinking and smoking in full view of adult chaperones on the grounds. I should have expected that since - at a mom’s luncheon - the topic had turned to a girl who had gone missing overnight only to be found in the morning in the company of several college boys - all falling down drunk. The moms in attendance (all professional women) dismissed the incident as just “teenage” crazies and claimed the boys were “freshman” so it wasn’t like there was a huge age difference. Huh? Here well-heeled kids trade their Aderall, Zoloft, and their parents OxyContin and Valium before tests. The principal announced that several off campus rapes had occurred because the parents didn’t verify that their daughter’s were at a friend’s house when sleepovers were announced. Instead, girl’s covered for each other while they went to frat parties and in some cases were given Rohypnol.</p>
<p>Which leads us to BS. I’ve also been told by some BS students that recreational drug use was first learned in their homes. Parents are recreational drug abusers, prescription drug abusers or frequent drinkers. Cocaine is more common than we would normally believe. So it was natural for them to experiment since the raw materials are readily available.</p>
<p>Just some possible scenarios. </p>
<p>Remember, not all students “choose” to go to boarding school. For some it is an expectation and those students are under enormous pressure to deliver results. For others, even when it is their choice - the “dumb teen” gene sometimes kicks in because students think of themselves as invulnerable.</p>
<p>The best we can do is give our own students good counsel and send them to BS only when we’re absolutely sure they’re ready emotionally. BS aren’t there to clean up someone else’s issues (though they often do). They’re there to work with students ready to take the next step. But that’s not always what they get.</p>
<p>But I don’t think BS environments are worse in terms of drug and alcohol use. In many ways - it’s rarer there than at home where the students do it right under their parent’s noses.</p>
<p>Let’s not forget that the teen caught smoking pot or drinking alcohol, etc. in their home or the woods behind their house or at a neighborhood party is usually yelled at or grounded or has their cell phone and car keys taken away. Big woop-tee-do - not. Usually no one knows except the family involved and perhaps a few of the teen’s friends. </p>
<p>At boarding school, a student engaging in the same behavior at boarding school and caught by a faculty member is brought before the disciplinary council, receives a suspension, expulsion or some other major punishment, has his college choices notified, has the offense outed to the community and depending on the circumstances and his/her age, has the police notified. </p>
<p>Boarding school students are not exhibiting worse and more frequent behavior than students at other schools. I would agree with Exie that the infractions are rarer. However, the punishments are harsher and much more public. I don’t think these discussions in the community should be read as rampant behavior causing huge amounts of concern vs. what takes place with teens in other environments. Instead, I think they demonstrate the openness of the communities involved.</p>
<p>"Let’s not forget that the teen caught smoking pot or drinking alcohol, etc. in their home or the woods behind their house or at a neighborhood party is usually yelled at or grounded or has their cell phone and car keys taken away. Big woop-tee-do - not. Usually no one knows except the family involved and perhaps a few of the teen’s friends. "</p>
<p>I think that’s my big sticking point in this matter. As a teen at home, I know that the scenario you’ve outlined above is probably the worst that will happen. However, as a teen at in a residential BS, I know that the chances of getting caught are probably higher and the consequences much greater. So why would I take that risk?</p>
<p>Since you live at school, this is the same as being drunk or high at school…and that seems like extremely poor judgement, regardless of scholastic setting.</p>
<p>Sevendad - I agree it is poor judgement and as parents in our 40s & 50s, we recognize that. Thankfully, many teens are equipped to recognize that as well. However, teen brains are still developing. As smart as many teens are, some don’t have the ability to do so or there are other issues - social, emotional - at stake as well. Unless a complete psychological study as well as a study of a student’s home environment is part of a student’s application process (Which still would not be sufficient) how would boarding schools be able to ascertain which students might be susceptible to drug/alcohol use in high school? Is drug/alcohol use in high school that severe of an offense that it alone is enough of a reason to exclude a child from boarding school? If a student makes an error in judgement and gets caught doesn’t that child deserve the chance to learn from that mistake and not repeat it? Shouldn’t we be looking at society and finding blame there for the continued glorification of alcohol, etc? How many adults do we know who abuse alcohol? I know many in my community who are educated and hold responsible jobs who have been arrested for DUI. Extremely stupid on their part but it doesn’t turn them into bad people overnight. I know many coworkers who go home every night and can’t unwind without 2, 3, 4 drinks. You will also find a few kids at boarding school who cheat (thankfully few), a few who steal (rare but it does happen), some who are depressed, some with eating disorders, some who have sex (and yes, some will be breaking statutory rape laws as they are not yet at the legal age of consent). These are bright and talented kids but they are not a superhuman race. :)</p>
<p>I do want to add that my kid is well aware that should he forget our repeated counseling regarding drugs/alcohol and decide to break school rules that the school’s reaction and disappointment will be minor compared to that of his parents. I don’t want my comments above to be read that I don’t take the issue seriously but rather that I am a trying to be realistic about the situation. When you have hundreds of kids together, stupid things do happen and that the best course of action is to address it openly and honestly in the hopes that others will perhaps think twice in the future.</p>
<p>I don’t think the issue of “condoning” has been raised much in these discussions about substance use/abuse in schools. At George School, if students find themselves in situations where others are breaking a major school rule and they decide to remain— even if they are not participating—they my be cited for condoning the activity and share responsibility for it. Students are responsible for removing themselves from the activities, provided it is reasonably safe for them to do so (no one expects kids to dart cross an eight line highway for compliance purposes). As result, there is a “safe ride” policy in place so that if students find themselves off-campus in these situations, they can request ride back if needed. Obviously, condoning doesn’t carry the same weight as the major rule violation and one would hope that these incidents are evaluated on case-by-case basis which includes meeting some sort of reasonableness test. Of course, students feel this is the most draconian set of rules imaginable. </p>
<p>Do other schools have similar policies?</p>
<p>@doschicos: I agree with many of your points. But I’ll also throw this out there…if I knew that my job security was dependent on drug testing or staying DUI-free, wouldn’t that be an even stronger incentive to stay on the straight and narrow than mere common sense?</p>
<p>Another interesting data point: I asked a college freshman who was in my church youth group last year how he steered clear of drugs/drinking at the local high school. And he included this in his reply “I respected my parents too much to disappoint them in that way, to have to lie to them about those kinds of things.” I hope my kids feel the same way about their old man.</p>
<p>BTW, what is this “sex” of which you speak? ;-P</p>
<p>if I knew that my job security was dependent on drug testing or staying DUI-free, wouldn’t that be an even stronger incentive to stay on the straight and narrow than mere common sense?
– yes, you as an adult with a fully developed cognitive function. These are teenagers. If they know they will be drug tested, they will fill a condom with a “clean” friend’s urine, and the really bright ones will even warm such an article under hot water, so as to not provide a cold cup to the doctor, which is a sure give away of “borrowed urine”. Then others figure out when the random tests occur and refrain from such recreation as necessitates the test for what ever number of days needed.
We as parents cant rely on such stellar young men as the one in SevenDad’s story who are afraid to disappoint the parents. The majority of the kids arent thinking of the parents in a stressful situation of their first unsupervised party with alcohol, or the “cool” group of new friends in a new school that invites them for a smoke outside the woodshed. Thats why, in my opinion, nonstop conversations with kids are so important, and having the kids know that even if they do mess up and try something, they should be able to go to the parent with the story.</p>
<p>Nylecoj - yes, I think most if not all of bs have the same policy as the George School. Being present at the time of the offense, but not participating, will still land you in a heap of trouble. I also think that some schools take it a step further where not only are you supposed to remove yourself from the situation but you are also supposed to report either as an offense or request sanctuary for individuals involved. In practice, I think most students just choose to remove themselves from the situation and ignore it so they don’t risk being viewed as a “nark”. It appears to me that from the news items and talks posted here that part of the intent among those schools willing to address it openly is remind and encourage students of this responsibility. When a few students choose to engage in this behavior it not only impacts them but impacts the community. Trust and communication are very important to these communities.</p>
<p>Seven dad - I, too, hope my kid feels the same way as that mature college student you speak of. In the meantime, I will continue to talk to my child, do my best to foster open lines of communication - and hope and pray for the best.</p>
<p>As a teen, my biggest motivating factor to do right was the idea of disappointing my parents. The police didnt scare me, but the idea that my dad would be so ashamed to come to the police station or worse was enough incentive to do what is right.</p>
<p>Trust is the biggest thing I had of my parents, and I hope I have instilled this in my daughter. I was taught/now teach my daughter that whatever you do reflects on her entire family. Think before you act and dont follow the crowd.</p>
<p>Is my d perfect, heckie no, has she made mistakes, yep, major ones NO!</p>