In yet another example of how three soxkids are very different and distinct individuals they each made different choices about their high school experience.
DS1 - was desperate to attend BS. Was crushingly waitlisted everywhere he applied in round 1, round 2 was 3 acceptances and a wait list. He enrolled in his top choice and graduated last year.
DD - I thought she wanted to attend BS but misread the situation. (Just another example of me being a stereotypical guy incapable of interpreting the clear messages from the fairer gender). DD passes on multiple admits with FA and returns to the LPS, and is thriving.
DS2 - Was accepted at a local day school. Started off with the clear goes of BS. Multiple waitlists but no admits to BS. Decided not to even put his name on the waitlist. We spent this week end at the Maine Swimming Junior Olympics and all the day schools swimmers found each other. It was very interesting to see then cheer each other on even though they were opponents. They were all excited to be on the same school team next year. DS2 has found his people.
Same parents, same house, same opportunities, different choices. All equally valid - but some are sure cheaper than others.
Same deal here. Three kids (two girls and a boy). All so different. The youngest went to boarding school with a super happy and successful outcome (bs was entirely his choice), one got a full ride to a great private day school but elected to stay at the LPS (and loved it - told me later that “I never was the private school type, Dad”) and my middle child (ahh, yes, the middle child) well, she just floated along happily at the LPS and never cared about getting on a faster track. She used to relish reminding me that only a rat can win a rat race. All three went to great colleges and are doing great in their careers. Kids!!
Thanks @RedSoxFan18 and @ThacherParent for sharing. In my opinion, both your posts are excellent examples of letting children drive the process as what is best for them and that there are multiple paths to college and beyond. Thank you.
Kudos to both of you for allowing your children to “do school” the best way for each of them vs. imposing your will on them all. I love to read this kind of thing (especially since there appears to be more “Ivy or Bust” mentality around which seems to translate to “A&E or Bust”). I think, all too often, people forget that these are kids and their hopes/fears/desires will change many times before adulthood. It is awesome to see that @RedsoxFan18 and @Thacherparent kids are being allowed the freedom to go where they learn best and feel at home.
I hate to be a different voice (yet again) :), but wouldn’t the overwhelming majority of parents let their kids make the final call anyway? Of course, some parents are more “hands-on” than others for their 13/14 year olds. But, when pros and cons of all options are evaluated and debated, what horrible parents would send their kids to BS against their will regardless what school that is? Now, could parents have preferences that may influence their kids? I think so, but that’s nothing outrageous is it? I’m sure @RedSoxFan18 had favorable opinions and was even excited about Andover when his C#2 received admission. Could he have expressed his opinions/excitement in some fashion and then at the same time encourage his kid to make the final call on his own? I believe it’s what most us would do, but that’s not the same as pressuring our kids to make the choice we prefer or “go bust”. I think what we have learned from redsoxfan’s experience is the fact that kids are different and there are more than one way to skin a cat instead of a model parenting lesson. I hope you are OK with my saying that, @RedSoxFan18?
"wouldn’t the overwhelming majority of parents let their kids make the final call anyway?.. , what horrible parents would send their kids to BS against their will regardless what school that is? "
In the scenario of a child not wanting to go to BS I would agree with you. In the opposite scenario of a child that wants to go to BS, I would that suspect that not every parent would be ok with it. I know many parents that are not do not want to part with their kids at 14.
@panpacific – certainly that would be the hope, but I know of instances where parents “overruled” choices of BS (and whether the child should attend or not) and otherwise. I am not willing to go as far as you to say they are “horrible parents” as I do not know all the details of the decision and why decisions were made. To be quite honest, I am not sure what the purpose of your post was, unless it was to just present a contrary opinion.
^^ Yes, it was a different opinion as I don’t agree that the admonition of “Ivy or bust” or “A&E or bust” was a valid point that could apply in this scenario as redsoxfan shared. Again, I believe the overwhelming majority of parents would NOT send their kids to BS against their will just because the school was A or E.
I went to BS, and didn’t like it (back in the mid 70’s). I had no intention of sending any of my children. One afternoon, completely out of the blue, my son sat down with me and my wife and said that he wanted to go because he “liked the independence” it promised. There was a lot of back and forth but he had already begun to research options on boardingschoolreview.com. Once we determined that he was serious and that we were up for the long haul of applications and visits, we helped him think through pros and cons of different places, proofed his essays for him (primarily for grammar) and took him for visits. Bottom line: it was all his doing except for writing the checks. And one final note, not in a million years would I consent to boarding school for any kid who wasn’t totally self-motivated, excited, grateful, and reasonably self-disciplined (unless there was something horrible about my local school system). It’s too expensive otherwise.
I had a hard time deciding whether to make this post to the parents sub forum or the general forum. The reason for the struggle is that I’m not sure whether I was: 1) targeting the post at parents, 2) targeting the post to students who have older siblings in BS or 3) Just sharing our family experience in general.
For parents my point is that there is no single right choice. Every kid is unique, it is easy to project your own desires and dreams onto your child. You see it in youth sports all the time, and yes it happens with BS admission. I agree with @panpacific that many parents let their child drive the choice - especially those that are active posters on CC. But rest assured their are lurkers and parents who are never on CC that drive the process. They select schools, they provide extreme help with applications and essays, and they pressure their kids to get into an acronym school.
For kids my point is that just cause your big sister did it doesn’t mean you have to. Your parents may not pick up on your queues so you may have to beat them over the head with it. Find the school that is right of your, not right for mom, not right for dad, not right for your brother, but right for you. The school does not have to be an BS, does not have to be and acronym school, and that the LPS can be a valid choice.
@panpacific - I love differing opinions and yours was well expressed without any hostility or judgement, I am always going to be okay that.
@laenen - DS1 learned about BS because both my wife and I attended BS. We still keep up with many of our friends and teachers from those days. In fact I just had dinner with my one of my BS teachers. When BS friends come to Maine we get together. Knowing that mom and I both went to BS DS1 started researching schools all on his own, then one day he came to us and said “Hey I want to go to prep school”. His siblings learned about it from him.
@ThacherParent Interesting enough I should point out I almost went to Thacher. Started my BS experience as a day student at Portsmouth Abbey. Didn’t care for it as much as a boarder after we moved from RI to CA and decided to change schools. My final choices were Fountain Valley and Thacher. Ended up at FVS - the director of admissions at FVS really made a great sales pitch for FVS.
@RedSoxFan18 Inspired by your encouraging words, I’d like to offer another slightly different point of view. As you would probably agree, parenting is an art as much as a science. There’s hardly a rule that works for each and every kid. At a certain age, some kids are much more mature than others and/or are more strong minded and would like to take things in their own hands while others are more laid back, happy go lucky and may need more guidance (heck a lot of adult men need pushy wives to keep them on track LOL) … So the motto of “always driven by the kid” is not always working. Over the years, I’ve seen at least as many bad decisions made by the kids against “parents’ will” as the other way around. So I think the key is not who “drives” but rather for parents to respect their child as an individual and set their ego aside while they try to expand their kids’ vision, provide them opportunities, and work together with their kids whom they know best in ways they can accept to find the best route for them. I know it sounds idealistic and easier said than done, but I just wanted to add a bit of “nuances” to the great points you have made in your earlier posts.
@laenen For us, somehow my kid got on a couple schools’ distribution lists for marketing materials. (Could be because of some qualifying test for summer programs I think) You know those appealing flyers and pamphlets, so we went to visit a few. Kid fell in love, and we were ambivalent but gave permission to give it try…
