To all you parents...

Parents Forum
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<p>Don't be mad but I want to get something off my chest. As I browse the internet, and some what often the CC forums, I more than often see the parents worried about college more than the kids. They're all grown up right? </p>

<p>Then stop researching schools' acceptance rate, what colleges want from your children, what they should do or take to make themselves more appealing. Seriously learn to let go and trust your children. Do you think they're irresponsible and won't apply themselves to have a chance to go to a good school? For a better future? Is that how much faith you have in them? Or even in yourself for not raising the child that would be responsible enough to apply to an University themselves without your help?</p>

<p>Sure parents can worry. I mean come on, you are their mom and dads afterall. Worry but don't interfere and try to force your child to do things that they can do themselves. That creates more stress and pressure on the kids. </p>

<p>If you truly want to help, leave them alone. Buy/make some good food. Give them money for the application fee. This is all I have to say.</p>

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<p>Mmmmm, Lethargytm, some of us are asked by our children to help out. Some of us are investing a lot of money into this college education. I research EVERYTHING and ANYTHING where I invest my money, especially those amounts. According to the way things are done in this country, the PARENTS are responsible for the college and really have the right to make their choices. Not always the right thing, but that is the way it is, just as they make the choices for high school.</p>

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<p>For 50,000/yr, I deserve to have a voice. The day she gets off my phone plan, then maybe I'll keep my mouth shut.</p>

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<p>Sorry, but until you have made that journey as a parent, please don't start preaching to any of us.</p>

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<p>cptofthehouse and oldfort, ditto!</p>

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<p>All grown up? I wish! Don't worry, I didn't do more than my son wanted me to do.</p>

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<p>It's not so much parents micromanaging as the fact that, for the most part, eighteen year-olds just aren't that competent.</p>

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<p>"This is all I have to say."</p>

<p>Promise?</p>

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<p>What I see is a lot of parents taking the time to share actual information, instead of ill-founded rumors and worse, with each other, and with high school students who are interested in learning more about the process.</p>

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<p>Well a little bit of counter arguments and then yes. </p>

<p>Cptofthehouse, I forgot to say that this may not apply to you all. From the perspective of investing money, I understand. I myself research everything about something where I put money in, mainly being things over 150 dollars. And no parents are not responsible for college. Children are.</p>

<p>oldfort. Typical parent response. You dont deserve anything in my opinion. Surely you can advise her time to time if she has a dilemma but I'm talking about taking over the entire process of preparation, choosing, and applying. </p>

<p>hope4freeride: Not my fault you lack faith in your child. My parents were never involved in my academic career after the 9th grade. I straight up told them then dont bother me about this crap and I wont ask you for money. My father just asked to see my final report cards. I chose every aspect of my preparation. From the SATs to the grades, EC, recommendation, and tuition fees. I paid and pay for my college tuition, room and board, travel fees, books all by myself (through my investments in stocks mostly). I dont want their help. Although they cover my occasional pizza frenzy. I recognize food as being not part of my educational experience since everyone has to eat.</p>

<p>mathmom, that is what I'm advocating for. Unless your child asks, dont do anything for him (buying him food is an exception). </p>

<p>Easy, most 18 yearolds should be able to. Most of my mates did.</p>

<p>harrietmwelsch: okay.</p>

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<p>Do you think that you're the typical college student?</p>

<p>I did everything myself too as I grew up in a single-parent minority household. I made a lot of mistakes and it would have been nice to have parents around for guidance. I see the helpful parents around here and my opinion is that their kids don't know how good they have it with loving and concerned parents around.</p>

<p>There are enough kids that don't graduate, even with their parents' help, after six years. Perhaps there are a lot of kids out there that do need help.</p>

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<p>I have the unique position of being a transfer student myself AND a parent of a teen who is preparing to apply to colleges very soon. </p>

<p>In my own search for transfer (hindered by the need to stay local), I have researched colleges intensely, know the transfer process inside and out for my few target schools, know the stats for getting in, have worked on my hook, have recommendations lined up (many to choose from, profs practically tripping over their feet wanting to help), emailed admissions with questions that were not answered anywhere in any of their publications (online or otherwise), etc.</p>

<p>My teen? He has one school in sight, has the right stats for it, but since it is a selective school that takes about 25% of applicants (his stats level more like 50%) - and has no back up plan. I've presented basic information, shown him the websites, had conversations, done many of the parent-things... but his head is not in the game, so I don't force the issue. I believe I have a responsibility to lay out the information, but if he doesn't want to get enthused and excited and proactive, I am willing to let it be. Community college has worked for me, and can work for him, too.</p>

<p>I read a lengthy research article about parents and where their kids go to college... and the researcher found there was a definite pattern of middle-class parents using the college their child attends as a way to solidify their middle-class/elite status. Parents would send their child to these elite/expensive schools even if it meant going into further debt... and the researcher came to the conclusion it had a lot less to do with "quality of education" and a lot more with social status <em>for the parents</em>. This of course is a blind spot for many parents that they will try to explain away in other terms, but I believe it.</p>

<p>I'm glad I read that article/research, because it has helped me to balance the issue of whether or not my children go to elite/highly selective colleges and how much effort I should put in to make it happen. I've chosen due diligence combined with a whole lot of hands off. </p>

<p>Helicopter parents (hover hover hover) is a phenomenon on college campuses and a result of the baby-boomer generation's approach to raising children... boomerang children is another part of the phenomenon. I'm a GenX parent, and I don't know if handsoff is our approach or not, I seem to be bucking the system somewhat... but I refuse to hover. :)</p>

<p>Annika</p>

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<p>Hey OP, I'd love to talk about your post, but I'm a little busy right now. </p>

<p>I am trying to find out Chicago's essay questions for Fall '09. I want my kid to start thinking about them.</p>

<p>Now I'm going to sit down with my kid and work on Kaplan's and Rocket Review books for the SAT (June '09 exam date). These two are the best of the seven programs that I reviewed.</p>

<p>But thanks for your post.</p>

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<p>I'm not saying that they shouldnt help their kids. I'm saying, using the analogy annika used (by the way totally agree you with social status, its all about appearance) helicopter parents.
I firmly believe that there is a difference between helping and doing the entire process for them. Research stats, facts, all information online or that can be obtained by simply emailing the admissions officer, something the students themselves can do. </p>

<p>Ultimately this is a matter of an opinion. My opinion. I believe that children should learn to be independent and not have their mommy or daddy dress them and hold their hands.</p>

<p>Annika I'm sure you'll do great in the future. My friends mom actually only got her Associates from a Community College, now she makes 170k+.</p>

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<p>I have not been involved with my kids' academic since 5th grade. But I know my kids so well that I could tell exactly what kind of mood they are in just from hello (in person or over the phone). When my older daughter had a melt down on which college to go to, I stepped in and made the decision for her and it was not the school she would have picked. A year later, she's very thankful for the decision. My decision was not based on prestigious or for my own self interest, it was all about her. My kids know, at the end of the day, my husband and I would always be on their side, without ever asking for anything in return, maybe just their love. </p>

<p>OP - do not be so quick to judge until you are so lucky to ever feel selfless love for anyone. Our kids do thank us for caring.</p>

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<p>What does OP mean by the way?</p>

<p>But from the context I can tell it was directed at me. Now you're assuming I dont love my parents or feel selfless love. Yes its obvious you care about them but I'm saying the approach to show that care is not the best way. And like I said before, this may not apply to some parents.</p>

<p>Yet again, my opinion. Opinions are one of the hardest thing to change.</p>

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<p>lethargy, as a teenager, I'm a little appalled. Parents should be knowledgeable about the college admissions process, and not just because, for many people here, they will be forking over a significant amount of time and money that could otherwise be spent on their retirement or on luxuries, but because parents, in general, want their children to be happy and successful. In order for their children to be happy and successful, they want them to be able to get into the best schools possible. Even if they have a hands-off approach to the subject, they should still know what their child is talking about when he or she says, "Mom, I really want to go to RISD," and have the ability to help when Junior says, "Dad, I can't find any scholarships I qualify for."</p>

<p>Yes, kids could go to their guidance counselors for advice, but parents should still be prepared in case their child doesn't like/trust their GC.</p>

<p>By the way, I think the way you're presenting your argument is obnoxious. "You don't deserve anything in my opinion." Ever heard of tact?</p>

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<p>I am not arguing that the parents shouldn't be knowledgeable about college admission process. I am arguing the fact that some people like to have total control of the kids life and their future. Ideally, like your scenario, I would want the parents help them by advising them, not telling them; thus the hands-off approach as you called it. If you actually understood what I was arguing for maybe you would understand. Could be my fault for not explaining it well but I distinctly remember saying that.</p>

<p>When I left that comment, I was implying that she shouldn't feel entitled to anything. Didn't mean to be rude but I didn't also want to beat around the bush. You attacking me couldn't be any different.</p>

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<p>The basis for this whole thread seems unecessary and bitter. In a lot of forums this would simply be called a flame. You post a message in a forum for parents who clearly care about their children's college careers telling them that they are largely wrong for doing so. What kind of responses did you expect?</p>

<p>My parents were very helpful and supportive in the application process, and a majority of the people I knew well at my undergrad had very strong relationships with their parents. I'm actually pressed to think of anyone I know who completely disregarded their parents during the whole application process and was successful.</p>

<p>Acting aggressively independent worked for you, but it's not the only way to go, and not everyone is resentful of their parents' good intentions. I got into my first choice college and law school, and have both benefited from and appreciated the input my mother and father offered along the way. Either you're trying to start a fight or falling into the old trap of believing that "what worked for me works for everyone." Either way, it doesn't seem very productive.</p>

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<p>"If you actually understood what I was arguing for maybe you would understand."</p>

<p>Tru dat!</p>