<p>OP = original poster</p>
<p>OP - I think you probably are having some issues with your own parents. Could it be that you resent the fact that you were left on your own to deal with the whole college process? Is this your way of justifying your parents' behavior? Aside from my own daughter, I actually have had kids on CC PM me to thank me for my help after they have gotten into their school of choice. Oh, it's not because I had such wisdom, but just because I answered few of their questions.</p>
<p>This type of thread is not new. It happens every three-four months. </p>
<p>My son just wandered in and I asked him if he thought I was too involved in his college process. He said he's fine with what I'm doing. I research and make suggestions. He's responsible for his academic success (or lack thereof), pursuing his interests, deciding where he wants to apply, taking the entrance tests, and filling out the applications. I'll also be responsible for writing the tuition checks.</p>
<p>This is a message board. We come here to discuss college admissions ad nauseum. We nitpick. We vent. We probably don't do that in real life.</p>
<p>I don't know where to start with you lethargytm.</p>
<p>You seem to have a lot of confidence in your own management of your own life which you seem readily able to project on your peers. Both are illusions of your own making.</p>
<p>To read your previous posts, I'd think that you were abandoned in the jungle as a kid and managed to raise yourself. And perhaps your parents were hands off and allowed you to go forward knowing that you were on a good path. I wouldn't be surprised if they did their own research independently and decided things were fine. Most of us at CC want to know and want to be there for our children if they need it, but you seem to interpret our researching details as micromanaging our children's lives. You seem to think that just because we gain this knowledge, we are going to run our children's affairs. </p>
<p>Your method of presentation could be considered presumptive and insulting to those of us who don't realize that you don't know exactly how we interact with our children. You sir, need to learn a little more tact, and develop a sense of generosity towards the motives of others who are not threatening you. I'm usually not this direct with the younger members on this forum and am probably violating some of my own advice about being generous in consideration of others. I apologize if I have misread your tone, but it would seem from the general response you've received, I wouldn't be alone.</p>
<p>I'd like you to think about what CC would be like without us "research crazed" parents sharing what we've come across with the student population. I'm sure that you've run across some interesting tidbits provided by one of us "research crazed" parents in your time here. Unless you think CC is only about sharing your social scene and "What are my Chances?" Not very useful to the incoming members who are just starting to figure out how to go about this whole college thing.</p>
<p>Would the OP have preferred a little more parental guidance for Seung-Hui Cho?</p>
<p>Our son saw some pretty heavy duty dropout numbers for his physics class this year. About 50% first semester and another 40% the second semester. That may represent scholarship losses. It certainly reflects lost money and opportunity. Does the OP think that these kids did fine on their own?</p>
<p>Why are posters trying to haphazardly psychoanalyze lethargy and guess at his family background instead of addressing the issue at hand?</p>
<p>If I said that parents shouldn't hire strippers to perform for their sons, it doesn't necessarily mean that I have some deep-seated emotional issues stemming from daddy inviting Krystal and Angelica over for a little show; why wouldn't I be able to just oppose parents hiring strippers for their sons on principle? </p>
<p>Same thing goes for lethargy's post, even though I disagree with the spirit of what he's saying.</p>
<p>
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If you truly want to help, leave them alone. Buy/make some good food. Give them money for the application fee. This is all I have to say.
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<p>And what about the $180k for four years at an expensive college? Do we also fork it over without murmur? Without expressing an opinion as to where that money should be spent? One of the biggest issues discussed on CC is the lack of fit between what parents can pay and the cost of attending their kids' dream school.</p>
<p>I let my DD only think she's making the decisions. It has seemed to work through K-12. I knew those Psych courses I took way back when would eventually pay off. All kidding aside, when we dropped her off at her college dorm, I told her that she already made us proud that now it was up to her to make herself proud. She's always been a self motivator,I suspect not unlike most of the young adults on this website for sure!</p>
<p>BCEagle91:
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I see the helpful parents around here and my opinion is that their kids don't know how good they have it with loving and concerned parents around.
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<p>Entropic:
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My parents were very helpful and supportive in the application process, and a majority of the people I knew well at my undergrad had very strong relationships with their parents.
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<p>ZamZam:
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parents, in general, want their children to be happy and successful.
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</p>
<p>Do any of you guys want to be adopted? :) Any parent would sure be happy to have gracious kids like you who are able to look at situations from the perspective of others and who assume the best of them.</p>
<p>"If I said that parents shouldn't hire strippers to perform for their sons, it doesn't necessarily mean that I have some deep-seated emotional issues stemming from daddy inviting Krystal and Angelica over for a little show; why wouldn't I be able to just oppose parents hiring strippers for their sons on principle?"</p>
<p>It is helpful when your parents can come up with a million dollars to pay for the best lawyers when Krystal cries rape.</p>
<p>"Do any of you guys want to be adopted?"</p>
<p>I'm a little old to be adopted. But it's pretty obvious that there's a lot of care and concern for kids here and there are lots and lots of kids that would love a good family environment. Our son does express appreciation for what we've given him by working hard, helping out and not asking for much. And that's more than enough for me.</p>
<p>It is true that many 18 year olds are grown up but also true that many are not...just as there are parents for whom the same could be said. If you are lucky, you have the right parents for the right child and each does as much or as little as the other requires. We have seen some posters here who want to squeeze the last ounce out of their child even whilst that child is doing plenty..but for the most part I think the investment and energy is normal parenting.</p>
<p>We were fortunate with our son because he did the college admissions things largely on his own. We merely laid down a few financial ground rules, went along on a few college visits, answered questions or offered advice when asked, and paid the app fees. He did have good relations with his hs guidance counselor who was a wonderful resource for him, particularly jr and early sr year.</p>
<p>Our largely hands off approach was merely the next logical step in guiding him to be a mature, emotionally healthy and responsible adult. If things seemed to have been going poorly we certainly would have been prepared to step in and taken a more proactive role.</p>
<p>How did things turn out? He recently graduated college, has moved across the country, will be attending grad school in a few months, is working for the company he interned for last summer and is excited about setting up his first apartment.</p>
<p>I do think that many parents do their children a disservice by being overinvolved and micromanaging their lives. Its painful seeing them make mistakes but there is no better learning experience. But seeing them gradually taking on more responsibility in their lives is emensely gratifing.</p>
<p>TerpDad - I only let my husband think he's making the decisions.:)</p>
<p>amen, oldfort. Best representation of this system: My Big Fat Greek Wedding and the scene where Toula's mother lets Gus think it's his idea that Toula take classes at the community college. Dysfunctional as it may appear, this is our household to a T.</p>
<p>As my dad always says, "Your mom makes the little decisions and I make the big ones. She says she'll tell me if there is ever a big decision."</p>
<p>OP - There is no suitable one-size-fits-all approach here - even within the same family. One kid might carry the ball on the whole admissions process and do just fine with minimal parental input. Another kid in the same situation might make a total dog's dinner of the process by littering it with missed deadlines, incomplete applications, no teachers contacted for recommendations, inappropriate schools chosen for the most frivolous of reasons, and just end up a day late and a dollar short at every turn.</p>
<p>So parents have to calibrate the degree of support needed based on the habits and personality of their kid. And they've been living with the kid in question for about 18 years, so they usually have a pretty good idea of where and how much support is going to be needed.</p>
<p>Before you advocate a "one size fits all" approach (and that size is "stay out of it"), search for all the threads saying, "My parents don't know anything/won't help/don't care so I've come to a bunch of strangers to ask how to do this". Or the ones who say, "I'll be making $80,000 when I graduate from ___ College, so what difference does debt make?"</p>
<p>Eighteen may be legal adulthood, but I've met few, if any, 18 year olds capable of seeing the big picture all the way down the road that adults have already lived through. There is a lot to be said for experience, and learning from others' mistakes rather than having to make each one for yourself.</p>
<p>A friend of mine was raised in an uber-patriarchal family where the father made all the big decisions (or so he thought) but these were communicated to the children by the mother, just as were their requests to him. One day, my friend asked his mother how his parents had reached a decision to let him go to study in the US. The answer was revealing. His mother was prone to insomnia. She would wake his father in the middle of the night and share her thoughts with him; he would mumble "yes, yes, dear" and go back to sleep. So that is how she slipped into his head the idea that he should allow his son to go to the US for college. The father could not remember having discussed the idea at all, but had to trust his wife that he had.</p>
<p>I think we parents are being way too hard on the OP. Although the tone is somewhat confrontational, I am sure we all know many parents who have micromanaged their kids' lives (or tried to.) I learned the hard way that my D had to find her own way. I do the research, but I keep it to myself, until asked for advice. If I nag or try to influence her choices, she often does a 180, because she so wants to be independent. </p>
<p>Might she have done better on an AP exam if I had grounded her when I realized she wasn't putting in the hours she needed to do well? Maybe. But to what end? She never showed me her college essays, and did everything independently, despite my offer to help. She can be truly proud (and is) of the fact that she got to college on her own. As for the cost: in exchange for paying the bills, I just want to know she is safe and healthy, which is why I insist she sign the health waiver as well as report her grades. This is not so we can nag that she should do better, or that we want to know everytime she visits the health center - it is so that we can intervene if we learn she is not going to class or needs help. Otherwise, college will be what she makes of it.</p>
<p>I disagree, islandgirl1960, that the responses to the OP have been too harsh. </p>
<p>I think they've actually been pretty restrained. When a young adult in his late teens/early twenties comes here to chide us for our "involvement" in our children's lives and makes some pretty sweeping generalizations about the "correct" way to do it, do you really think we're going to roll over and capitulate? I don't micromanage my own young adult children, but I am never going to be a "Shut up and write the checks" parent. They can still learn plenty from me and their father, just as we can learn from them!</p>
<p>OP, I think it's great that you're in such a position to make your own financial (and other) decisions regarding your higher education. But you are the exception, and many come here in search of advice. And the Parents Forum is a great place to get that!!</p>