I am taking the TOEFL on the third of September, and i am looking for a good score …
I have written this essay in the required time , 30 minutes.
I hope you grade it , and give me advises and tips to improve my score
Intentionally, I didn’t correct any mistakes in the essay, I just posted what I wrote as a first draft.
Here is the assignment:
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
no one has the ultimate wisdom to assume complete independence from society nor from influential people in his life. Young adults are in need to identify themselves as individuals in a society; they seek after others’s recognition of them as independent. Therefore, most of them believe that being with their parents , listening to their advices, and following their instructions burdens them from gaining independence. However, in my own point of view, I find this perspective to be faulty, for it overlooks the major benefits of parental regulations. Moreover, parents tend to care much for their children’s future more than young adults actually do, so any forceful or unwanted restriction over young adults from their parents does actually help the them be better independent citizens.
One case from my witness evokes me to espouse that young adults better stay with their parents. Last time I visited Egypt, I met my cousin who is older than me by 3 years. That time he was 18-year-olds when he asked his father, a wealthy man, to give him complete independence from the family. However my uncle didn’t welcome the idea, and expressions of disgust could be noted whenever my cousin made the request. However, after several attempts and threats that the boy is leaving on his own if his father is not going to give him the permission, my uncle bought him an expensive apartment, gave him the keys, and left my cousin , and I could see my uncle’s heart crying in fear. On the other hand, our neighbors in the same street had a young adult in the same age, but the boy was quite satisfied with his life with his parents, though his father wasn’t as much wealthy. Several times, I could see the boy play with his father that I was once charged up and wanted to play with them soccer. We had a quite good time playing , and we talked about the issue of my cousin. Everyone commented; I don’t remember the comments exactly, but all were about how the boy drifted to the wrong way: He accompanied drug addicts, brought girls to the apartment,drunk alcohol, and failed in the past semester’s exam. Comparatively, my neighbor ranked third nationwide. In this controlled “experiment,” the only factor under study was the independence from family underage. And it could be placidly be seen that this is the factor that contributed to the boy’s jail one year later. No wonder! He is left with no guide at an age that drives uninformed “adults” to the wrong way. The parents preserved him all the previous years but let him fly when his wing wan’t fully formed, so he fell and broke his wings.
Parents are a secure valve over one from himself; they shouldn’t unlock it unless the time is right. And young adults must have a more futuristic look that bypasses the fleeting need of identity. Those who prefer to rejoice the present at the expense of the future sell their future for an incompensatory price.
You should look for the TOEFL writing rubrics instead.