Too risky?

<p>Well, i have a problem now, my sats are low for the u's that i would like to apply..so now my essay and recs are my last salvation. I have several essays in my mind, i like this one the most, but i think is too risky. Tell me your thoughts please-----------------------------------------------------</p>

<p>To respond to the questions that you, admission staff, seem to ask directly or indirectly, a depiction of my feelings during this application process seems to be the most adequate answer. You asked for honesty and openness , you said that you wanted to get to know the person behind the numbers, see its passions, its achievements, its value. Well here it is, as open and direct as I can be. </p>

<p>My first mistake in the admission process was underestimating American education. In Venezuela the high schools in the United States are famous for their mediocrity, so I did a simple equation: Good student in Venezuela, great student in America. Quite simple. But wrong- As all conclusions coming from stereotypes-I already had a bad start. The problem is that I’ve always overlooked the difficulties of the things that I decide to do, not because I have a high opinion of my abilities- Actually I think that I’m a quite untalented person- but because nothing that I’ve ever done has required an enormous effort from my part. I’ve never cared too much about standing out, being the best, achieving excellency. In school nothing passioned me. I could get decent grades without working too hard. Classes were uninteresting, with a low quality when It came to subjects like literature or history, the programs weren’t good. Not only that, teachers were mediocre, our history teacher wasn’t able to say what was the difference between political left and right, and the geography one would talk more about his son in Brunei than the definition of PNB, and that happened in one of the top level schools in Caracas. I felt indignated, outragaed, I acted as a little prat/rebel-with a cause-but-not-a-good-one. Therefore, I studied by my own account, I made my own investigations about the subjects I liked and so, I builded my own little intellectual world. I went to forums, I discussed with my dad about arts, philosophy, politics, but I never felt encouraged enough to open a book simply for the satisfaction of receiving a gold medal at the end of the year. Silver ones were ok. But then I came to France, and everything was different. Classes were amazing, teachers were of an extraordinary quality. I learned in that year in France more than I learned in all my years in Venezuela. I worked like a maniac, obsessively, I wanted to squeeze the juice out of every lesson, I stalked teachers to ask them questions – I think that they kind of hated me at the end- I was finally challenged and motivated. I started to caress the idea of going to the United States. I couldn’t go back to a Venezuela where education is going from bad to worst, where theatre, arts, ideas are in the ground because everybody is worrying about how to refine oil –Not that I have anything against oil refinement- At the same time I began to prepare this application, and there I realize that I had made a second mistake, a big one: Not to think about the future. As time passed I got more and more depressed because I saw that I didn’t have the level of excellency that universities like this one demanded, and I kept saying to myself: If I only had work I little bit harder… So the dream, yes because it’s a dream, of coming here, of surrounding myself with people who have the same interests, the same wish of learning, the dream of coming to a world of intellectuals, where I could learn, discuss, compare my opinions, the dream of learning about Japanese culture and Biology at the same time shattered. I decided to try anyway –Here you’re reading this paper- Because I didn’t risked anything, well deception, but one can overcome it, but that itchy feeling, that intrigue, the “What if..” That would have been hard to forget.</p>

<p>What I want to say with this dull story about my admission process is that I’m not probably what you're looking for. I’ve never been hard working, in the top ten per cent of my class, I never seeked excellency for excellency’s sake, I just simply studied when I felt like it, when the subjects were interesting and the teachers were good, I’m a complete mess when it comes to order, efficiency, precision. I’m always in the clouds, thinking, I have concentration problems, I’m a complete crippled when it comes to practical matters. I have no awards, no great achievements There are a lot of things that I’m proud off but they are more life achievements than academicals ones- No impressing SAT scores, or Extra-curricular activities. Talent? People say that I’m smart and cultivated, I disagree with them. I think that if I’m incapable of taking this supposed intelligence to create something concrete, to be a great writer, musician, student, this supposed talent is worthless. There are no leadership qualities either. In fact I’m very shy and insecure, I’m not a sheep that follows the cattle, but I’m not a courageous leader. I tremble when I speak in public, I even cry before any oboe recitals, I have stage…not fright, panic.</p>

<p>So at the end what’s left? Why in the world I’ve spend a whole essay pointing out all my flaws? And why in the world would you want a weak, untalented, everyday student in your university? Well I think that you said something about passion. But how should I portrait that passion? How do you pretend that applicants show there passion in a 700 words essay? Passion, I think, is not something that you can stick into a sheet, what would set me apart, what would make me worthy of being here is my passion, but how do I show you that I’m in love with learning? How do I prove you that this is not a well-thought strategy to manipulate you? I LOVE TO LEARN. There it is, does it work? I don’t think so. Few things in this application form show my feelings about knowledge. It’s a shame for me. I threw to the wastebasket my chances of going to the bubble that you call university, a bubble that would have made me so happy. But there’s a last shot, there’s a hope…i’ll make one last effort. </p>

<p>I don’t think that I can bring anything new, special or exciting to your campus, but what I can say is that what I feel when I’m in Madame De Borville’s philosophy class, a sort of inner pression, a feverish desire to talk, to create, to argue, the feelings when I’m in a model of the United Nations or in a history class reviving the pass, understanding humans and their behaviour, the evolution of the world, or simply when I read Baudelaire’s “Fleurs du mal” , his words touching me at the most intimate level, making my chest to expand when I arrive at the end of the poem, those feelings would compensate everything. I would be willing to work, I would be willing to overcome all difficulties, all problems, to be everything you expect a student to be, not to feed my ego by being the best, by having a title of a top-class university, but simply because I would have found at last, that stimulating, marvellous world of knowledge, because I would be at last at the right place, the place where I want to be, the place that I’ve always dreamed off. </p>

<p>So there it is, my last effort of giving myself some value, there they are my answers to your questions, as honest and direct as I can be. It might work, it might not…if the whole being honest plan didn’t work, then I would stay in Venezuela, and learn, and cultivate myself anyway since the institutions don’t make the student. I would probably have a spiritual life as satisfying as the one I would have being here. If it worked, I would jump around like a maniac, smile, scream cry, then I would pack my bags and start another journey, another experience, a scary one I must say…if it worked, I would think that it was a luck strike, and I would prepare myself to correspond, to thank, to be worthy.</p>

<p>No, no, no, no no. First, no essay will make up for scores that are not what a college is looking for. Second, your whole essay says that you are not self motivated. It says that passion and effort need to be pulled out of you. You sound cocky and ill informed when you say you bought into Venezuela education being superior to American. Tis is way off the mark.</p>

<p>WOW</p>

<p>A very captivating essay! However, yes, the last 2 paragraphs make you sound cocky. Maybe you are cocky but I dont think this is the right cockyness to be honest with.</p>

<p>Paragraph2 - the first part, I could relate to. THe second part showed that you actually have enthusiasm and passion and all the other stuffs.</p>

<p>Paragrah3 - I was like, "omg what is she/he thinking.."
Then, para4 - the best one out of all. It took away my above reaction and was replaced with something like.. 'hmm sounds about right'</p>

<p>Then para 5 - no!. p6. NoNO!!!!!!
This is where I would say the exact same thing as suze.</p>

<p>nope i'm not convinced that u r intellectually engaged. You tell it but you fail to show any bit of evidence to support it. Besides u make it so obvious. I would rewrite it with more showing and more confidence. Besides I see no passion and you have failed to provide emotions to make others sympathetic to you.</p>

<p>This looks like a first draft to me. Keep working and it'll get better, trust me. I can relate to your story and you have a good one, but you still have to think about editing and rewriting some more.</p>

<p>By the way i'm not a cocky person; actually i think i left quite clear in the essay that i'm quite self deprecating. Thanks for your comment, really; to was just an idea that came in and i wanted to see what you thought. You're right it's not such a good idea, and it is quite evident. I simply wanted to be honest, but i guest honesty is not always the right path to take -To achieve goals-I might take some ideas and see how can i put them in a different essat. Thanks again. If you have more things to add, please im all ears, thank u!</p>