<p>Dodger–I am with you and the need for my d to have “breathing room”. My d had a lot of “controlled freedom” at home, thus the transition was not as difficult. She even witnessed others “melt downs” and was very comforting.</p>
<p>We did the reverse commute to Thacher from Washington, D.C. We visited three times a year: Family Weekend, Father/Son visit in February, Gymkhana weekend in the Spring. Each visit was a Thursday morning departure and a Monday return. It worked great. </p>
<p>We had one medical issue during sophomore year (mono) and my wife flew out and spent ten days at a nearby inn where there was a kitchen. We treated him during that period like a day student. He had a major run in with cancer when he was 4-6 years old so we considered the medical implications of a x-country location very carefully.</p>
<p>I do think that Thacher is an unusually warm, small and loving boarding school community (240 kids), which mitigated a lot of our concern. I would probably have felt differently about sending my kid to an Exeter, Andover sized school where it’s going to be less personal by definition.</p>
<p>We communicated by phone and email mostly, about 2-3x per week. We also enjoyed lots of notes and news about him from his advisers, prefects etc, which helped to make us feel connected.</p>
<p>The final plus for parents sending their kids from one coast to the other is the immersion in a remarkably different culture and geography. He ended up with a really nice mix of qualities from both coasts that we really like.</p>
<p>Good luck!!</p>
<p>I live in a very anti boarding school town. It is just too foreign for my small upstate NY town. People probably just think that since I am not “from there”, I am more likely to do the odd thing. I’ve even had people say to me to me “How can you afford to send her away to school?” To which I would respond that the cost of not sending her would be much higher.
Even though I thought could easily send my d to the west coast, those who have done it here on CC make very compelling arguments that make me rethink the idea.
zp</p>
<p>Since so many parents seem to suggest it depends on the kid, parents, let’s discuss what are the attributes of your kids that make BS work or not. Maybe we can be constructive for Sunny. My S seemed like the perfect BS student (mature, independent, reliable, serious) and frankly he is overall not struggling because of the academics, social pressures or trouble with drugs/alcohol/partying. I think because he’s been a good kid, he’s on no one’s radar. He’s almost invisible–no one to give him high fives on a good day and no one to push him to get down. It’s the opposite of “a little breathing room”–he’s got so much I’m uncomfortable. He’s not an adult yet (and don’t kid yourself, no 14-15 yr old is). If I had to assess a characteristic that I see now–Monday morning quarterbacking–as to why he is not thriving in the community, it would be that he was simply not vocal enough, needy enough or trouble enough for anyone to notice him . . .</p>
<p>it’s a long way no matter how short the mileage is! </p>
<p>I do think technology makes it easier - you don’t have to worry about the cost of a phone call any more, you can text if you don’t want to interrupt…etc etc etc.</p>
<p>Also, I sense a real difference in the approach of various schools to the general day-to-day issues - some advising systems are going to be more hands-on, some less. Ask - every kid is different, and yeah, it’s important and can make a difference. </p>
<p>For medical issues, I’m going to bet that every school will rally round - my daughter had a concussion last fall, and her counselor went with her to get an MRI. then she had a severe stomach virus a few weeks ago that they thought was appendicitis - it wasn’t, but I got every-half-hour text messages from her counselor, who was with her in the emergency room, until all the tests were finished and the conclusions were drawn. Text messaging is pretty helpful - I was able to send a worried mother’s “ask if they’re planning to give her ionic contrast media, she’s allergic to seafood” message - and the counselor checked, and all was well, and I felt that I had done my motherly duty from 700 miles away. </p>
<p>But you still have to let them go, sooner or later. Bummer, that.</p>
<p>Sunny, My daughter has friends at her BS from all over the world and they seem to be thriving. But you as a parent will miss her, and will miss seeing performances, sports competitions, all that stuff. (I live less than 45 min from D’s school, so while she almost never comes home, I see her usually once a week though often just for a few min. I feel like I have the best of both worlds). </p>
<p>@grinzing, I am hoping that things brighten up for your child. Mine wasn’t very happy the first year (she appreciated that she was learning a lot, but it was a lonely grind and she didn’t reach out to adults), but by spring term she started finding the right friends, and by 10th grade was doing great. She sounds a little like your child, in that she wasn’t an obvious problem and is quite private so no one but her parents knew she wasn’t happy and she wanted no intervention.</p>
<p>Our son is across the country in New Hampshire and it really does stink. We visited once for parent’s weekend. For us the trade off is worth it. He is getting an amazing education and has made so many great friends. We made the choice to sacrifice our wants for his needs. Yes, we feel that strongly that he is in the right place. It doesn’t make it any easier for us to have missed all his sporting events, not have any photo’s from his first dance etc. He is sacrificing alot as well. He misses us and his siblings and pets on a daily basis. </p>
<p>It is a little harder for us to send our daughter who was recently accepted as well. She has an ongoing illness and the day she got accepted, we ended up in the PICU unit of the hospital due to complications. She is also younger at just 13. You just have to beleive that the good outways the sacrifices you will make.</p>
<p>We’ve sent a child across the country to boarding school and everything has been great. With Skype, email and cell phones it’s been easy to stay in touch with him, his advisor, coaches, etc. </p>
<p>As a suggestion, you should try to develop an understanding of the school’s culture and how well they recognize and support the emotional, academic and other needs of each individual student. It’s an important consideration. Ask the school to put you in contact with other families from the West Coast that currently have children there. You might gain some valuable insight from them that will help with your decision. </p>
<p>Something else to possibly consider… Our neighbor’s daughter went to a boarding school that was a reasonably far distance from her home. Apparently most of the kids at her boarding school lived within only an hour or two drive from the campus, and many of those “local” boarders would travel home on weekends while she remained on campus feeling stranded. Unhappy, she left the boarding school after her sophomore year.</p>
<p>When my daughter was a public school here in town, I went to visit the principal. The school was empty. Turns out they were in the building across the street because of a bomb scare. Not a single parent was called. If she ate lunch or didn’t, no one cared. Heck, they only had 10 minutes to wolf it down because of long lines in the cafeteria.</p>
<p>My oldest attended an expensive all-girl’s school and when it was discovered that she was suffering from a serious medical issue the school could have cared less. We asked for updates if she showed a change in behavior and they stopped communicating entirely when the last tuition check cleared. Great education - soul sucking morons running the school.</p>
<p>In contrast, at my youngest daughter’s first week at boarding school she was still adjusting and one of the faculty found her sitting alone and stressed. He called my cell and explained what was happening. He didn’t know she’d already called and clued me in. But he and her advisor got the problem straightened out and then her advisor took her to Starbucks so she could get off campus. We got a cell phone photo showing her smiling. A few months ago, she fainted and hit her head. We - like @sscad got constant updates from the advisor and the school nurse. When the hospital tests came back negative, she stayed in the infirmary so they could watch her for 24 hours. Students made cards and took her treats. It was determined she was dehydrated and now every (and I mean EVERY) kid who knew she went to the hospital checks to make sure she’s drinking water at every meal. She laughed and said a few nag her and check to make sure she’s eating meat because she was eating mostly vegetarian it’s really good there).</p>
<p>Not all BS schools are the same. I told the Adcoms at her school I wanted a do-over. And I couldn’t put my finger on why. And then I realized that at my daughter’s current school she’s not a number. All the faculty know every student and they meet weekly to discuss them. Our grade report at the end of the semester was five pages. A full letter about what our daughter had been doing from the academic dean. A full letter from her advisor that included quotes from other staff members. And a half page from each teacher on where she was succeeding and where she was still feeling challenges. They know if she’s eating healthy. We get emails when she’s going off campus with another family (which we authorized). We got another from the school to say she changed her mind and was staying on campus because of a debate tournament. Nothing is falling through the cracks.</p>
<p>So it’s about fit and not following all the hype about schools. If not this school she’d probably be at Governor’s where we got the same vibe. I know there are many more BS that operate like that. That kids are independent but not so much that no one knows what’s going on. </p>
<p>BS is not supposed to be about admit them and forget them. </p>
<p>But if they are - I recommend students find the faculty and students who think “differently” and seek them out. They’ll be the safe harbor in that “storm.”</p>
<p>Exie–beautiful post. I am having the same experiences at my d’s bs. I initially made the connections when we moved her in. I introduced myself and let everyone know that I thought my d would be fine but I was worried about me.</p>
<p>In all honesty my d is very independent and I was very concerned that she would go missing under the radar, but she hasnt. Another parent in her dorm has become her unofficial advisor (she loves just watching his kids at play). She has connected with her English teacher in ways that almost make me jealous (I am a math/science geek; d is into the humanities). I am proactive dropping e-mail to faculty, staff and even my d’s proctors. </p>
<p>When I made a winter visit, Dance Showcase, I contacted the the people that I wanted to speak with, nurse, dietitian, dance instructor, AO’s, etc. In all cases I wanted to just say thank you and give them a face to go with my d’s family. </p>
<p>Once on campus I stopped by to see the woman that works with the athletes(my d does no sports). She said she has been keeping an eye on my d and she seems to be happy and well adjusted. I told her that my d was in English class and she said, “I just saw you d upstairs with a fellow student”. “Knowing” that my d was not hanging out being social during english class, I sort of dismissed her comment. I went upstairs just to confirm that my d wasnt there…and she was, right where the woman said she was. I was blown away. (The entire english class was involved in an out-of-class project).</p>
<p>Many people care and are concerned about the bs kids. Many on campus are parents themselves. Keep in mind, like most educators, bs people are not there for the money, but for the love of the kids. </p>
<p>Just another 2 cents from me!</p>
<p>I think it would be helpful if you indicated which schools your kids were at. They sound superb.</p>
<p>@kraordrawoh: We did apply to some westcoast BS. She was waitlisted at her 1st choice. More and more I am getting use to the idea that its okay to let go. It an oppertunity that one does not get often.
@Alex825: Thanks! I do need to realize, as long as we are okay with it, it doesn’t matter what others think.
@grinzing: Thanks for your frankness.
@CateParent: I will make use of your suggestions. It will be very helpful.
@ExieMITAlum: Great insight! Very helpful!!</p>
<p>We live far enough away that our son flies to and from school. I definitely miss watching him play sports, and he cant come home on weekends. But, we actually see him a lot more than we thought we would. The school schedule is great: school begins the 2nd week of September, Parents weekend/Mid Fall Break is in October, Thanksgiving Break is 8 days, Christmas Break is over two weeks, then they have 4 days off for Mid Winter Break in early Feb, 3 weeks off for Spring Break in March, and Spring Family Weekend in early May. When the breaks are shorter we sometime fly to him and take him somewhere fun. On top of that my husband and I try very hard to get there once a semester to see our son play sports. It seems like we see him once a month. In between breaks we email a lot and talk on the phone once maybe twice a week. Luckily he hasnt had any major health problems. He did have a back strain and the school handled it very well. The athletic trainer was very involved and the Dr. was great about communicating with us. I was very worried about the distance in the beginning, but now it doesnt seem so bad. It works for us and more importantly it is working for him!! Good luck with your decision.</p>
<p>I remember when the TSAO (ten school admission organization) was touring our city, one AO said “they are only gone 30 weeks per year”. Honestly like Chelsea stated, I see my d almost every month. February was the only month I missed but I had gone to campus the last weekend in January.</p>
<p>I do miss her, but we are having so much fun with her home over this spring break. I told her next year she will have to go to the Bahamas for break, because when she comes home, I work all day and have pajama parties with her every nite. When she goes back to school, I will get some well needed rest—lol.</p>
<p>I enjoy missing her…but I promise you, she wont miss her plane back east—!!!</p>
<p>I suggest you scrutinize the school’s calendar for next year (most are available) and see how much you can afford to fly her home. For longer breaks, dorms close and you must fly her home.</p>
<p>Just today, I thought to enter my son’s breaks for Spring term into my calendar. Guess what? There is not a single three day weekend. He has three Saturdays off and the Monday after Easter (but not the Saturday before). Since every time we bring him home involves 9 hours of driving round trip, it just won’t be feasible to go get him during Spring term. Perhaps one of us could go visit during one of those long weekends, but even that is unlikely since I work on Sundays and many Saturdays. It’s going to be a long 10 weeks! </p>
<p>But - when people asked me how I could let him go (and how I was willing to let my daughter go) I simply told them the truth. It’s not about me. Simple. If this is what your daughter wants, if you think she is ready; that is what you should base your decision on. It’s just another heartbreak of being a mom I guess…watching them leave, watching them want to leave. For us it’s a little easier because we have ZERO local options and watched the demoralizing effect our local school had on our kids.</p>
<p>While I know it can be “easier said than done”, is there any possibility of a move out of this school district into one that might offer a little more? Might mean a longer commute to work or longer distance to see family, but seems to me the BS option requires an equal amount of change and upheaval.</p>
<p>sunnyncali: I am one of those parents who will be sending 14 yr old D alone LITERALLY half-way around the world (we found out it doesn’t matter if we fly over the Pacific or the Atlantic–it’s the same grueling 30 hour door-to-door journey). Keep in mind that whether the parents are sitting in Asia, Europe or in Boston, they will still be communicating w their kids the same way, via phone/skype/etc. </p>
<p>Consider yourself comparatively nearby. For many families it is a longer drive to school (time wise) than to fly to W coast. At least it’s feasible for your D to visit home for Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>not with the real estate market the way it is…</p>
<p>Well this topic hits home. D presently at BS only 2 1/2 hours away - and with many trips home ( orthodontist, dentist, doctor, vacations, long weekends ), I am tired of all the driving, especially on the half of the trip when I have no company.</p>
<p>Looks like (if all goes well, knock on wood! ), she will be spending the entire next school year abroad; not even home for Christmas. Definitely gotta get the skype thing going… …</p>
<p>As Neato said - it’s not about me it’s about her. Still, I’m likely to need one heck of a stiff beverage once that plane takes off !</p>
<p>oops posted twice…</p>