<p>Below is my response to elaborate on one of your activities,(personal activities,ec,or other)
I just wanted feedback and if I should use it any input would be great.Its for BU,syracuse,nyu ithaca,and some other schools lol ..for transfer 2010
btw the ending is weak I need to find an ending but yea just critique </p>
<p>Pstt I have a secret! Well more of an obsession, you mustnt tell a soul .I am an obsessed, expert, almost Guru Level, life-long dedicated, addicted fan of Sudoku .Are you surprised? Unimpressed or just plain flabbergasted at the assumption that im trying to pass sudoku as a legit activity? Yes this activity, obsession if you will may seem quite quaint, uneventful and very arbitrary to even mention, but I beg to differ. Ive been hooked for three years and counting. It began by coincidence and by very unintentional motives in the summer of 06 at a local Barnes and Noble. And from that day on Sudkou has became apart of my daily ritual. Solving one game after another, increasing difficulty level and always going beyond and exceeding what is expected. As I cant think of any better obsession to commit myself to, I wont.</p>
<p>The grammar needs to be fixed all over the place.this is my suggested revisions</p>
<p>I have a secret. I am obsessed with sudoku. Are you surprised? Unimpressed or just plain flabbergasted at the assumption that im trying to pass sudoku as a legit activity? Yes this activity…“obsession” if you will, may seem too quaint, uneventful and arbitrary to even mention, but I beg to differ. I have been hooked for three years and counting. It all started by mere chance the summer of ’06 at a local Barnes and Noble. And from that day on Sudkou has became a part of my daily ritual. Solving game after game, increasing difficulty level, and exceeding what even I expected. Not many people would consider Sudoku and activity, but I do. If they were as passionate about it, then they would understand. It isn’t a hobby, it’s an obsession.</p>
<p>There. It still isn’t perfect but I removed the bad parts. Did you reread this before posting? Because if you are applying to those schools and are qualified I can’t believe you let a sentence like this slip after a reread “it began by coincidence and by very unintentional motives in the summer of ’06 at a local Barnes and Noble.”</p>
<p>you said the same thing twice. also “am an obsessed, expert, almost Guru Level, life-long dedicated, addicted fan of …Sudoku” parallelism and punctuation…</p>
<p>either way, hope you like my revisions.gl on getting in!</p>
<p>I like the edited version better. Nevertheless, I was not convinced that Sudoku is an activity I should get excited about. </p>
<p>It is a risky topic. Any “obsession” that you write to the admissions officer about should be a passion of yours and be productive. Obviously you are passionate about suduko, but you need to express how it is productive. </p>
<p>For instance, I would never discuss my Anime and Manga fanaticism, unless I include how I soon became interested in Japanese Language and Culture, and how I then became interested into the field of sociology. </p>
<p>I think you are off to a great start. I like the passion, but colleges care a lot about productivity. I think you can make this work, just dig deep! </p>
<p>thanx for the editing,and no I didnt edit before I posted.So yea I see what you mean…I was just cut short for words and I dont really know what to say.I wanted to write about the violin but I used that one last year:</p>
<p>It’s midnight, and there I’ am trying to perfect Minuet by Bach. The sound reminds me of finger nails scraping a black board. I think" why can’t I get this song down, everyone else has’. I want to give up but I remain in front of my stand coating my bow with a cake full of rosin trying again to play Bach’s, Minuet. And this is where it all began, a child of ten with her friend the violin, a friendship that would carry on into high school. The violin is one of my bittersweet activities. I love when I perfect the songs, but getting there seems like a burden. There are popped strings, broken bows, and a few bloody fingers and to others it seems like a waste of my time, but to me it’s the direct opposite. The violin has taught me persistence, a life lesson I can never repay, So as I sit reflecting on my relationship with the violin I know it will be apart of me for as long as life exist, daily teaching me what hard work can produce</p>
<p>The short answer is a critical part of the application. It challenges you to condense a big idea into clear and concise statement. Each word must be chosen and used to express your idea in an accurate and elegant manner. </p>
<p>I personally think your sudoko topic has much potential, you just need to make it more convincing, interesting, meaningful etc. </p>
<p>The entire scope of a short answer response can be easily analyzed. It is important to understand how your response conveys your idea. It is nothing short of a puzzle.
I will quickly dissect your second short answer. (its good practice for me too). </p>
<p>First a few general thoughts:</p>
<p>You write as would talk. Therefore it has a casual tone (which isn’t a problem), but it also suffers from grammatical and organizational errors. These errors not only abrupt the flow of your writing, but can distort the intended meaning. </p>
<p>“It’s midnight, and there I am trying to perfect Minuet by Bach.” </p>
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<p>" The sound reminds me of finger nails scraping a black board. I think “why can’t I get this song down, everyone else has”. "</p>
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<p>“I want to give up but I remain in front of my stand coating my bow with a cake full of rosin trying again to play Bach’s, Minuet. And this is where it all began, a child of ten with her friend the violin, a friendship that would carry on into high school.”</p>
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<p>“The violin is one of my bittersweet activities.”</p>
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<p>“I love when I perfect the songs, but getting there seems like a burden.”</p>
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<p>“There are popped strings, broken bows, and a few bloody fingers”</p>
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<p>" and to others it seems like a waste of my time, but to me it’s the direct opposite."</p>
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<p>“The violin has taught me persistence: a life lesson I can never repay.”</p>
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<p>“So as I sit reflecting on my relationship with the violin I know it will be apart of me for as long as life exist, daily teaching me what hard work can produce”</p>
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<p>Anyways… yes, I am very critical, but you already have everything you need to make this spectacular. I focused more on style and organization that grammar. </p>
<p>Right now, I think you should focus on organizational structure of the entire response. (aka, an outline). Next edit for grammar. Next edit for style and tone. Then edit for origination and structure (again). Make sure you focus on the meaning of your work. </p>
<p>Its a painful process, but if your persist this could be a very good response.</p>
<p>thank you so much would you mind giving me advice on other writtings for college.Yes you are very critical but it is exactly what I need so thanx:)</p>