<p>S2 has decided, for numerous reasons, most of which he can't put into words, that he the college he is at is not right for him. Doesn't know what he wants to study, overwhelmed academically, too far from home, and in my opinion has never clicked socially. Now what? Right now just wants to be home in the fall and "figure it out". Maybe home for Fall, maybe for sophomore year, maybe for the next three. Too soon to say. The few local colleges he has mentioned all have "Transfer Days" after he comes home at the end of the semester, in May or June, where he can bring all his materials and have a decision on the spot, so it seems that he has time to decompress, focus on finishing the year and worry about this when he gets home. Some days! Then I panic and feel he needs to be doing something more proactive right this minute. Anyone been there done that with this one?</p>
<p>My oldest son did transfer back to the major state university here after doing two years out of state. It was not that he did not like where he was—he loved it. He wanted to be closer to family, to go to school with his younger brother, and he knew it would be far less expensive for him to go in state (with Hope scholarship, it was essentially “free”). Transferring was a bit more complicated–he was a music major at the time and had to audition, etc. But he had been accepted to that school out of HS but went out of state, so we were not that concerned. </p>
<p>Not exactly the same thing, but I get what you are saying. It will work out! And there is nothing wrong with knowing you want to be closer to home…</p>
<p>Right now he wants to live at home and commute, so his choices are limited, and not the most impressive academically. Talk about overwhelming! I am trying to lay off him and wait until he gets home to figure out the next step. That resolve lasts about five minutes though.</p>
<p>UMMom2015 What state are you in-what local colleges will accept a student for transfer on the spot? We are in CA and my D is very unhappy at her school but here to a state school to before you have 60 units is impossible! Thanks</p>
<p>NY. Keep in mind, these schools are not of the caliber as where he is now. But then again, he is looking for something less academically stressful. He also had 12 credits coming in to freshman year.</p>
<p>This happens all the time - I wish I had a dollar for every family I know, who’s kid romanticized the “going off to college” only to come back after year 1 or 2.</p>
<p>It’s not a failure. It’s just an experience. It wasn’t what they thought it would be. That’s okay; that is why you explore and take chances and risks. It shouldn’t harm him academically. Everything will be fine.</p>
<p>UMMom2015, I can so empathize. I started a thread on Friday about the same topic. Our freshman also wants to transfer home from an out-of-state school, and we aren’t sure how to guide him. Don’t want him to lose his OOS scholarship. He likely won’t get any merit money at transfer school, and I worry about how colleges look at kids transferring three times should he decide to transfer again. Not sure what to make of the whole thing, but I am crossing my fingers that we end up guiding him in the right direction. </p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1318903-student-thinking-transferring.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1318903-student-thinking-transferring.html</a></p>
<p>Giterdone, thanks for the pep talk. I know it’s not a failure, but it makes me sad that he had such a stressful/disappointing year, and that it took him this long to verbalize it. If only he had opened up over winter break, maybe we could have had time to pursue options.</p>
<p>Nincekidsmom- Nice to have someone to commiserate with. Mine’s decision to come home is done. I tried to get him to talk to his advisor, hoping for her input. Unfortunately, they are all busy with scheduling appointments, so when he went in without a tentative list of classes for Fall, she handed him the course guide and told him to come back in 15 minutes with 5 classes!!! Appalling. If he were to stay he should pick classes in 15 minutes with no input? For this I pay over $50,000?? He went back to tell her, no he wasn’t picking classes, he wanted to talk about transferring and she gave him a card for the Transfer Advisor. Hello! That person advises students who transfer IN, not who are thinking of transferring OUT. I guess NO ONE does that. </p>
<p>Anyway, to make a long story short, he did not select classes, nor did he register. He is definitely coming back home. What is NOT definite is where he is going in the Fall. He first mentioned a very close college, which is way “below” him, and then we talked about another two or three, that while not as rigorous as what he applied to out of high school are better than the first choice. Then he asks me, “why are you looking at BAD schools, these are all bad”. He is very mixed up, and I don’t know how to advise him!</p>
<p>I don’t know that any of these choices will help him decide what path to take academically. Seems that most will be places he will just take a general math, science, english, foreign language etc, and be no closer to having that aha moment, that will make him decide what to pursue. Much less where. </p>
<p>I too hope to guide him in the right direction - unfortunately I don’t know what it is, and know we don’t have the time to figure it out for fall. And I have the same “three transfer fear” you do.</p>
<p>Again, I am trying to lay off him, vent my fears here instead, so he can just focus on working hard and doing well in his classes for the next few weeks until we fly down to pack him up.</p>
<p>Just read the other thread. Mine is definitely going to be in for a big surprise when he transfers - his current average class size seems to be around 20!! He was unhappy in “big lecture” this semester for science - 60 students!! Those state school lecture center courses are going to be a real eye opener for him, I truly don’t believe he realizes what he is giving up where he is. That said, I have known, without him verbalizing it, that he didn’t “click” there from day one, so I know his decision to leave makes sense. It’s the what to do next that doesn’t. Nicekids- at least your son was on top of this for a while.</p>
<p>This happens so much in Vt, it’s not even funny. Kids go away to OOS school and come back within a year or 2 to UVM. Why not? It’s a great school in a wonderful college town. My son stayed away all 4 years, but so many happily choose to come back.</p>
<p>" … so I know his decision to leave makes sense. It’s the what to do next that doesn’t. …" </p>
<p>I think you are hitting the nail on the head in this quote, UMMom2015. I worry that my kid is coming home because he doesn’t know what to do instead. And I agree that the advisers haven’t been the help that I hoped they’d be. I asked if the adviser at the transfer school asked him why he was transferring or what he was expecting from the new school. He said they just talked about the classes – which is probably what she was supposed to do, but it would be nice if he found some insight. </p>
<p>I also wish he had more black and white reasons for leaving. I fear he’s just got a case of homesickness he doesn’t understand, and I also worry that he doesn’t know what he’s giving up. He’s at such a great place now. </p>
<p>It’s so frustrating to have gone through everything we did last year and seem to be in the exact same spot a year later.</p>
<p>It happens a lot in my area too. They all come back to CC and transfer to CSU or UC.</p>
<p>My resolve to lay off him, and not push a decision of where to go until he gets home is not working well. Argument this evening because he told me he is thinking of a choice that I feel is not a viable option, and he is adamantly against the one I think is right for now. Without of course visiting or really researching on line either one. I feel that after we supported his initial choice, which clearly did not work out for him, even though I never felt it was the right place for him, this time maybe the choice shouldn’t be his alone. Suggestions?</p>
<p>Sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants. period.</p>
<p>Doesn’t know what he wants from college, from an education, from life in general and it probably scares him and frustrates him that he doesn’t know what to do. </p>
<p>Before in high school he knew what path to take, what courses to enroll in, what grades he needed to get to X college. Beyond that he didn’t REALLY know.</p>
<p>And that is okay, to not know. It is not okay to not know and burn through someone else’s money and his time. And I am sure he knows this somewhat…may not be able to articulate it but he knows and that is why he wants to transfer.</p>
<p>Maybe he should ask for a formal leave of absence rather than not just enrolling. It would be a spacer that would give him time.</p>
<p>And time is the greatest gift of all. He could decide if it was the school or if it was him.</p>
<p>By him stating “bad schools” means in his mind he is still evaluating and JUDGING schools and himself by some sort of ranking that does not truly exist. It is a way for schools to market and get consumers to buy their product.</p>
<p>If he is still buying into this then he needs more time. Time to grow up and realize what is important, time to prioritize.</p>
<p>How hungry is he? And I don’t mean for food. How badly does he want to attend college, not just for the diploma but for the exercise it is, to become better educated, to grow and challenge himself as a scholar and as a person. What is he willing to do for this education?</p>
<p>I don’t mean what is he willing to have you do? But what will he do? How much is he willing to pay, in $$$ and effort and time to achieve the goal?</p>
<p>If he isn’t willing to really commit himself and not just your $$$, he isn’t ready yet. I am not talking about him blowing money and time to party but to really want what he can get out of college and what he can GIVE back.</p>
<p>So whether he works for a year, volunteers somewhere for a year (seeing what not having a $50K per year education can do for you) or attending a local school AND doing all of the above, it might give him the time to really figure out what he wants from a college education.</p>
<p>He doesn’t need to know what he wants to do for the rest of his life, he just needs to know what a college opportunity can give him. He needs to realize he isn’t just checking a box, that this is the next thing he needs to do in life. Rather the opposite, he is being given 4 years to explore so many different subjects, meet new people and try new experiences.</p>
<p>He won’t really grow unless he is out of his comfort zone. And being out of your comfort zone isn’t always fun or pretty!</p>
<p>Hence my recommendation to take a leave. It will give him time to also look at other schools without jumping in and perceiving himself to being unhappy again.</p>
<p>It’s not the schools. It’s him. A little soul searching now will go a long way later.</p>
<p>Again, how badly does he want this?</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>UMMom- If you are in NY, the SUNYs are not a bad option. Some of them are highly selective and others you can get a good education, too. I know getting on campus housing is an issue for a transfers at some campuses. Is there a SUNY near you that your S can attend with the possibility of using those credits to go to another one once he figures out what he wants? I know the classes are big, but I think the credits would more easily transfer than the privates. Just thinking out loud here.</p>
<p>I admire everyone on this thread that are actually listening to their children and supporting them in a change that you may not have seen coming or ever wanted to see. It is sometimes so easy to say “it will work out” only to have a student earn failing marks that will basically box them in for a very long time. The path may not be clear right now, but trust your gut and it will work out in the end.</p>
<p>We know several whose kids have taken some time off to work part time and attend local Us or just transfer to another U because the U originally selected didn’t turn out as envisioned.</p>
<p>It is good that you are giving your kiddo some breathing time and space. It is also great that your kiddo is thinking of attending transfer days so he will be able to get an on-the-spot decision and perhaps help choosing courses.</p>
<p>There is a lot running through kids minds when they are in the 17-25 year range and much to sort out about courses, what they want, their futures, etc. Giving a kiddo time to think and breathe is very important. There is absolutely NO rule that requires all kiddos to keep nose to the grindstone and stay at original U, especially if they sense it is not leading them where they want or need to go.</p>
<p>UMMom, we’re in a similar situation, son was totally overwhelmed in his first semester. Now finishing his second, he’s doing fine academically, but not socially. Claims he doesn’t really like “the people” at his current school. But the problem is him, not the school. He admits he hasn’t done anything to meet a bigger variety of students, he hangs out with his roommate and his roommate’s buddies. They’re nice kids, but very different from my son. </p>
<p>When he’s home, son spends a lot of time with his high school buddies and friends home from school on breaks. He thinks that just because they socialize together on breaks also means they’ll be close buddies on campus. We talked about how friendships often weaken in college, with people going their own way. He doesn’t think that will happen, and is counting on these friends to be the base of his social life when he transfers. Not something I can convince him will or will not happen, so I don’t try. I just put it out there for him to consider. </p>
<p>DH and I told him we’ll support his decision to transfer but set up some perimeters: he has to have a Plan. He can’t just come home and figure it out when he’s here. He has to do all the work himself. We will not remind him about deadlines, procedures, etc. The onus is on him. The transfer school has to be at least equivalent to his current university, he’ll live in the dorms, and may have to do summer school in case he loses some credits in the transfer. </p>
<p>We set these perimeters because son tends to be passive & going home/to a local school is the path of least resistance. And I want him to learn resistance 
</p>
<p>That’s what we’re doing, and we’ll see what happens. Good luck to you and your boy. It’s hard to see our kids struggling. Hugs. And know you’re not the only mom feeling the way you do.</p>
<p>How about some counseling for him? Somebody that’s going to push him to examine his motives, his emotions, his decision-making process.</p>
<p>I am certainly looking into counseling. He refused to speak to someone at his college’s counseling center. Not sure I will be able to drag him to someone here, since he says he’s “fine”, but I am going to try my best. </p>
<p>Thanks for all of the advice, suggestions and empathy.</p>