Trouble moving to a dorm

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi guys!</p>

<p><em>A little background</em>----- My parents have always controlled what classes I take, what time I have to be home, who I should/shouldn't talk to and I know its their job, but its starting to become extremely annoying. Its already a hassle for me to try to hang out with my friends outside of school, and if I do, my curfew is 10:00 pm (IF I'M LUCKY). </p>

<p>Now, I'm a 17 year old senior in high school and I'm trying to start a few college applications. I really enjoy science and would love to work in a medically-based field so any college with a strong science program would suffice. The college that greatly appeals to me is Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU). I'm trying to get my application in ASAP in order to be in the run for some scholarship money and a guaranteed admission into their Post-graduate medical school. Now this is where the problem comes in....</p>

<p>My parents HATE the fact that the college is almost 2.5 hours away and that I would have to dorm. They're forcing me to apply only to a nearby commuter-school (George Mason University) which I have absolutely no intention of applying to. I get in constant arguments with them and the reason they don't want me to dorm is because they don't feel like I'm ready and they also don't like the 'activity' that goes on there...</p>

<p>I am a very good kid and i would never succumb to activities that will soon hinder my academic performance, but they fail to realize that. My argument is "You've always put so much pressure on me to STUDY STUDY STUDY and WORK WORK WORK, and now that I want to handle my own life, you refuse to let me dorm because of what you believe 'isn't right' for me?"</p>

<p>They almost always lose that argument and then come up with an ignorant reason that almost stymies me from saying another word because of its absurdity. I am being left in the dark about my future; I want to keep my parents happy, but not at the cost of me being miserable. I know my plans for the future but they have another plan FOR ME. They constantly push me to excel even though my grades/gpa/extracurricular-activities are exceeding of the commuter-college they want me to attend.</p>

<p>I honestly have no idea what I should do. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks</p>

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<p>Are you an only child or the firstborn? Are there any other schools that they would consider? Are they paying for all of your college, and is the concern being able to finance a more expensive education for you?</p>

<p>I understand about wanting to assert your independence. Believe me, we just went through that with our son.</p>

<p>Have you ever given them reasons to not trust you? On what basis are they concerned?</p>

<p>Do you have a pastor or someone that can help provide some guidance or counseling to all of you? It would probably be helpful to have an objective third party help sort this out.</p>

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<p>Elhammy, As a parent with a few kids the only thing I could say is that parents exhibit these behaviors when they sense that their kid is either immature or just not emotionally ready for the away college experience. I never thought for one minute that any of my sons should stay close to home but my insticts were that we were making a terrible mistake in allowing my daughter to go away. Sadly both my husband and I were correct, and my daughter was never the same after that year. She had come home but to this day we don’t know exactly what had transpired in her year away.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, we live in a culture that makes going away to college seem like the norm, and a right of passage when in fact it could be the wrong environment for some kids. I don’t know your situation but it is very possible that your parents feel that you need more time to mature. I actually tend to think that normal loving parents are doing the best thing by not folding just because our society tells us that ALL kids should live away at the age of 17 or 18. I would bet your parents have thought about this a great deal and did not come to this decision lightly especially with the pressure that we as parents feel to not helicopter our kids. I also have a different perspective on some helicoptering behavior and I see it as a difficult stand that parents make in the best interests of their children, not what their friends kids are doing, or the neighbors kids or the relatives kids, and not even what their other children have done. They do it for what is right for their kid. That is not easy to always do today when kids reach the age when they want this independence. I wish I had listened to my gut, and said NO to my daughter instead of buying into the idea that living away from home is what all kids should do. </p>

<p>Have you ever been in trouble? Have you done things to make your parents lose trust in you? Do you lie to get what you want or to cover up things that would be considered major to your parents? Do you have a relationship of joy and good communication? Think about some of the things I have mentioned and ask yourself if your parents are acting out of love and in your best interest.</p>

<p>The other thing to consider is finances. Is it possible that maybe your parents really can’t afford what you want? Some parents do not like to share this information with their children for some reason, but it is something that maybe as a college ready young person you should bring up. Kids who are able to discuss things rationally with their parents are the same kids who parents generally send off to school feeling like their child is ready for this major next stage in their life. The big difference I always saw in my daughter was her inability to share and have a real honest dialogue. I felt like if she was like this at home than she would not be able to stand on her feet when she was away. When she did come home the following year she said communication was one of her biggest problems. I could be completely off here and maybe none of this applies to you but things could change if your parents could see you as strong and capable, and able to discuss things in an appropriate way. Good luck</p>

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<p>Why not ask them what steps you could take over the next eleven months so they’d feel you’re ready?</p>

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<p>OP, forgive me for asking this if it’s way off base, but are there cultural expectations of how you and your parents should handle this transition that are very different from the “standard US” tradition? What you’ve described sounds something like a situation a friend of mine had in graduate school. He was 25 or so, had been working at a quite high level job in Taiwan, but when he started graduate school in the US, his parents moved with him, got an apartment for all of them, and they pretty much managed his life for the next 2 years so that he could concentrate 100% on his studies. Needless to say, social life was not happening. I don’t think he liked the situation, but also didn’t know how to negotiate something different.</p>

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<p>op could you discuss with the gc at your school and recruit her help in explaining to your parents that perhaps a different school would be beneficial for the goals they want for you…and he/she could address the dorm/living far away aspect as well? perhaps set up a meeting with all of you</p>

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<p>We are fairly over-protective parents (Tiger mom, laid back but still paranoid European dad). I was apprehensive at first when DD got in a respected flagship state university 3 hours away and had concerns about maturity and all that. Guess what, kids adapt quickly. </p>

<p>The trick is to show your parents in your last year at home that you’re serious about college and that you will do anything to attend the school of your choice. Work on conditions and rules - from picking up your messes to helping around the house etc - that would satisfy them. Clear definition of expectations from both sides helps. </p>

<p>Now, GMU is a pretty good school, and if we were lucky enough to have it next door, and it had a good program for DD, sure, I might have kittens sending her away. </p>

<p>Also see if you can justify the whole VCU vs GMU issue on academics alone - strength of program, things offered, scholarship money, etc. If money is an issue, sure, I could see it from your parents’ point of view as well. </p>

<p>Or, you can take my approach when I was back in my country of birth - I commuted to college (a wretched 45 min - 1 hr bus and subway trip) but got my parents to move out after they retired :-))</p>

<p>Seriously, tho, try justifying it purely from an academic point of view and it’s a lot easier.</p>

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<p>Elhmammy, I dont know what you intend to major in, but I really think GMU does have a lot to offer. As to your parents pushing you to exceed GMU entrance standards, stength in HS will likely increase your success in college. You will be better off exceeding entrance standards, maybe picking up AP classes. Also, GMU has an Honors Program, which likel many Honors programs should help you in your college career, and help with grad school. GMU does have dorms. Maybe you could discuss with your parents living in dorms if you get into Honors Programs. The Honors program seems to have its own dorms, which would be populated by serious students, such as your self, and have more access to professors. Good luck.</p>

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<p>The issue here isn’t GMU vs. VCU. It’s allowing a young person to move away from home and experience more independence than a commuter college will allow.</p>

<p>I commonly hear from teenagers in this situation. Almost always they are responsible students who earn good grades and are generally respectful of their parents’ wishes. Often the parents were not born in the U.S. or–if they were–they did not attend college themselves. </p>

<p>Elhammy–I agree with previous posters who have suggested that you involve a third party (e.g., pastor, guidance counselor) who may be able to to lend a neutral ear. I also agree that you should be proving your maturity right now by helping around the house, letting your parents know where you are if you are late coming home, obeying curfews, etc.</p>

<p>I also think you might want to draw up a “contract” for your parents that lists the responsibilities you will assume when you go away to school. This list should include the frequency of contact (by phone, email, text, etc.) that they can expect (and err on the side of too much contact … at least for starters!) along with any other “promises” that you feel your parents might want to extract from you and which you feel you can reasonably uphold, such as, “I will not smoke or drink;” “I will not get in a car driven by someone I don’t know and trust” etc. (HINT: Don’t put anything in the contract that your parents wouldn’t have even thought of, like, “I won’t dance naked on tables at keg parties.” ;)) Ask your parents to contribute to the contract, too–to add suggestions that you might not have considered but are willing to accept.</p>

<p>You might want to preface your contract with a letter to your parents thanking them for everything they have taught you and done for you and assuring them that the values they have instilled in you will travel with you to your new campus. You might also want to remind them that, once you have earned your undergraduate (or medical) degree, you may have to relocate to wherever the job market takes you, so it’s important that you learn to navigate the world on your own … soon, but gradually, within the confines of college life, rather than getting hit with the demands of independence all at once later on.</p>

<p>Finally, if you don’t think it’s too cheesy, you can end your letter with this famous quotation, which is usually attributed to the late journalist, Hodding Carter II: “There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings.”</p>

<p>I have said many times to many parents, “One of the most important parts of going to college can be the ‘going’ itself.” So I wish you well as you try to convey this message to your own family.</p>

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<p>If you really want to go to VCU, you should definitely apply there. Maybe your parents will change their mind by May 1.</p>

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<p>I am the firstborn child of 3 boys. I really have done NOTHING wrong in my life. Not once have I drank/smoke or anything of that matter. I think the 3rd party might help. I’m just going to apply and see how it goes. Definitely for scholarship consideration! and trust me, money is not the issue for my parents; and if it is, i am being considerate by attempting to obtain some scholarship money to VCU.</p>

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<p>And thanks a lot Sally_Rubenstone. Its not about GMU vs. VCU. Its more about asserting independence and seizing the rope to your own life. I just want to be independent, and I know this is not something that can happen overnight. I plan on majoring in either biology or chemistry. And my parents are Middle Eastern and they’re MUCH ‘brighter’ than other Middle Eastern parents.
But to me, culture shouldn’t have any room to be juxtaposed to a decision on dorming in college or not. Its about morals, not culture. Thanks for all the replies guys! loads of help</p>

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<p>RacinReaver- “Why not ask them what steps you could take over the next eleven months so they’d feel you’re ready?”</p>

<p>I can try this and get back to you on it, but things like these don’t work with my parents. Its almost like their way or no way. There’s no breaking them. I’d hate for my child to say this about me if I was a parent, but they seem almost belligerent and completely ignorant (and yes, I am mature enough to realize I’m being a little childish but I’m an adult with some lingering teenage thoughts) :)</p>

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<p>I agree with others here, that one way to help make your parents more comfortable is to try and exhibit mature, responsible behavior at home. That includes being courteous and respectful of your parents, and listening to what they have to say. If verbal discussions become too heated, maybe you could write them a letter showing why VCU makes sense for you academically over GMU, and what kinds of behavior YOU expect from YOURSELF when you’re away from home (i.e. maintain good grades, practice healthy behaviors, abide by campus regulations). </p>

<p>You might also think about if there are compromise schools that you aren’t considering yet. Frankly, I would be a little bit worried about sending a fairly sheltered kid to VCU. It’s a big university, in the middle of a pretty big city, where there are a large dorms that can be raucous. Does VCU have an honors college with its own dorms? Could you aim to be accepted there, to give your parents a sense of greater security. Also, have you considered smaller schools or schools in less urban areas? Finally, have you gone on any college visits with your parents? Engaging in the college search as a group may help alleviate some of the “me vs. you” feeling, and getting to experience the campus in person may help lift some of their fears. </p>

<p>Bottom line, try to think about why your parents feel the way they do. It’s not because they HATE you and want you to be miserable. It’s because they love you and want you to be safe. So think about ways you can reinforce to them that a) you know they want the best for you and b) you know how to be safe and are also old enough to know some of your own mind.</p>

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<p>thanks SmithieandProud! I mean there are no compromise schools with them because they only thing they’d settle for is GMU. And VCU does have an honors college within its campus but i need to get my SAT’s slightly higher to be eligible to apply for it! I’m really not completely sheltered if you mean sociallly; not to brag but im fairly well-known by most of my class and can make new and meaningful friendships. I’m also considering applying to JMU, UVA, VTech… and that probably wraps it up! I’m trying to stay in-state to keep costs down and I haven’t gone on any visits!
I’m really thinking the whole ‘visiting college’ thing is important, but I’m not planning on visiting until I finish my applications to those colleges. I already signed up for my JMU visit, and my mom scoffed at the fact that I did that. I’m really showing them that I’m ready and I just don’t understand their thought-process sometimes. </p>

<p>And you’re right, it is “Me vs. You” mostly. I almost got to them when i told them I’m really happy of what they’ve done for me, and that the entire senior class received their transcripts and I was really happy with where i stood compared to the others who wished they did better in high school. </p>

<p>So do you suggest talking to them after I apply, during the application process, or when I receive a Yes/No letter?</p>

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<p>“Its about morals, not culture.”</p>

<p>What’s the difference? We’re not talking about murder here, or anything else that’s immoral in every culture. Whether typical dorm ‘activity’ (consensual sex, drinking, possibly pot) is immoral is a cultural question. I think having a beer and sleeping with your boyfriend/girlfriend presents no moral problem; that’s normal in my culture. If your parents disagree, that has everything to do with culture.</p>

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<p>Would it help to find out whether there are religious organizations in your faith or cultural organizations for people of your ethnic background at the campus you want to attend (and others that you may apply to)? </p>

<p>Sometimes, parents whose cultural background is something other than mainstream-boring-assimilated-American feel that their kids will lose their way and make poor choices at college because they will lose touch with the religion and culture they grew up with. Whether or not this is true, it can be nice for college students to have a place where they can meet others of similar backgrounds (while at the same time enjoying meeting other people of very different backgrounds). </p>

<p>If there is such an organization at VCU, or wherever else you end up applying, you could make a commitment to joining it. And if there are appropriate religious services, you could make a commitment to attend. Your parents would probably like this because you would be maintaining your ties to your background, and you would probably enjoy the chance to make friends with whom you have something in common.</p>

<p>Also, would your parents consider the possibility of you going to GMU and living in the dorms there? You would be close to home, and GMU is a rather nice place. Another place you might want to consider – and try to get your parents to consider – is William and Mary. There’s something inherently tame about William and Mary that might appeal to your parents.</p>

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<p>The OP says it’s your parents job to control everything about your life, and I respectfully disagree. It’s their job to make YOU ready to control your life :slight_smile: Anyway, I doubt that you could demonstrate anything to people who sound determined to make decisions for you, as other posts suggest. </p>

<p>So, I would tell them, as politely as possible, that while you honor their desire for your happiness and success, you would like to have some choices and are going to apply to these 4-5 schools, including GMU. Then, when the acceptances come in, go visit. Make sure to visit with an adcom, who will no doubt address the worries your parents have. If they won’t go visit, well, you’d have to defy them to do that and that’s going to be a problem. </p>

<p>But if they go, perhaps then they will relent, and perhaps by then you will also see the whole issue in some new way you can’t anticipate. Unless you’ve done something really radically wrong — promiscuity, addictions, felonies, etc. ---- it’s not , imho, appropriate for any parent to demand attendance at a particular school based solely on perceived culture. Money, sure. Health, yup. But you are not wrong in thinking you should have a choice, within the bounds of finances and ability.</p>

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<p>Great suggestion by Marian. But be sure to check out the list of cultural/religious organizations at VMU (and other colleges on your list that would require you to live in a dorm) before you broach this idea with your parents. If you mention it first and then there aren’t any appropriate groups, it could work against you. (It’s like what they say about lawyers … they never ask a question they can’t already answer. :slight_smile: )</p>