<p>Over the past few days, there have been several parents sharing stories of their children rather openly. As a mother to a rising college student I have been reading each of the post with interest and fear. Of the students mentioned on this forum, how many had adjustment issues before going to college? Is this just a bad choice of a school? Maybe the school is just too big, or too challenging; sometimes a students is tops at their high school and them get to college only to realize there are students much smarter than they are. Or the student that was involved in high school. but can't/won't find a way to be involved in college.</p>
<p>I do agree that a bad roomate can be the kiss of dead. I also know many school like for the kids to tough it out and turn this into a learning experience; not a good idea if you are dealing with a student with depression. A friendly roomate can make all the difference in the work to a student that is having trouble adjusting.</p>
<p>So my questions is this after rambling on-Did the students that are having the most trouble adjusting at college also have trouble in high school? In high school they had years to build friendship and had a warm home life to come home to each night; but were there any indications that this child would have troubles at college?</p>
<p>I had the same problems when I got married and bought our house.
I don't think that it affected me during the day but buyer's remorse sure kept me up at night.
( It couldn't have bothered me that much though, we have been living in our house for almost 22 years and married for almost 24)
Other than nerves at convocation, my daughter appeared to have a good fit at her college. ( I think visiting beforehand helped)</p>
<p>Extroverts who make new friends easily will have less trouble adjusting to college.</p>
<p>Ambitious, intellectually independent hard workers who are really into their courses and are inspired by their profs will also adjust well to a challenging school with other bright students.</p>
<p>Kids who are unhappy freshman year may not be getting enough individual attention in their courses and may not able to find compatible types among the other students. They should be encouraged to see profs in their office hours for help and to join a club or group where they will find friends. I think a feeling of drifiting on the periphery or a "bad fit" in the college atmosphere may cause much unhappiness. They have to master the trick of finding a home away from home. And the source of "home" is carving out a comfortable niche for yourself where you feel valued and respected and can be yourself--all part of the process of growing up.</p>
<p>Signs of possible difficulty beforehand may be seen in how well the student knows him/her-self, how self-defined and self-motivated they are. Those lacking these qualities will be more dependent on the environment and will need to "luckier" in the college choice and roommate lottery. Also as much real (non-promotional) data about the college and campus as possible should be collected before enrolling--including campus visit, class visits, and informal chats with students.</p>
<p>When I started college years ago, I was very unhappy my first semester. My father was in the military, so my family was overseas my senior year of high school and my first three years of college. My parents insisted that I attend a college in their home state, so I would have access to my grandparents if something happened. I attended a large state school and was absolutely miserable at first. Because a lot of students had attended high school together, they had built-in peer groups. Although those groups dissolved over time as they made new friends, they had suppport systems. I didn't know a soul. I dressed differently, I spoke differently, I had different life experiences. In short, I was just "different." </p>
<p>It didn't help that my first roommate was different too. She was a sophomore (and I now know why she was in the freshman roommate pool -- no one wanted to live with her)! She was antisocial and a heavy drug user. I felt very isolated and alone and after a month I called my parents begging to transfer. They refused -- pretty much told me to buck up and tough my way through it. I got a new roommate and it was somewhat better. We weren't super close, but we were cordial. Then she moved out because she was having a lesbian affair (this was big and shocking news on our hall in the late 70s). Her lover's roommate moved in with me and we were a perfect match. We are still best friends today. Having a roommate I really liked made all the difference in the world, and my remaining college experience was a blast. Too much fun, in fact. I should have spent more time studying. </p>
<p>My daughter's experience has been different. She has a single, but her dorm is very social. She hangs out with friends when she wants to, but can go close her door when she wants to be alone. However, I must say that she has always been very comfortable about approaching people and starting conversations. Also, she is not the type of person who has to have a super-close "best" friend. She has a group of friends that has formed in her dorm and they do a lot together. Also, I don't know if this helped or not, but she attended three summer sessions during high school -- two at Duke and one at Emory. So even before she went off to college she was used to living in a dorm situation and starting the friends-making process from scratch. (By the way, she did not know anyone else attending her school, which is an 19-hour drive from home, before she moved into the dorm.) </p>
<p>In any case, I really sympathize with the parents whose kids are so unhappy -- especially because people on these boards put so much time and effort into finding the right colleges. Although in some cases a transfer might be the best option in the end, I believe sticking it out until a transfer acceptance is in hand would be best. Perhaps in time, the situations will right themselves. Spring will come (winter can add to depression) and new friends may be made. Good luck to all.</p>
<p>Pokey, with some rare exceptions of kids who had some overt problems, I haven't been able to figure out why and who has adjustment problems freshman year. One of the nicest, well adjusted kids I know who spent a lot of time and thought in picking his colleges, and whose family was wonderful, spent one semester at Bucknell, hated it and refused to go ba</p>
<p>I agree with Jamimom -- I believe students who attend community colleges are significantly less likely to graduate than students who "go away" for four years. I believe creating a life on campus -- a life apart from the comfort zone at home -- is a big part of the growing up process. Learning to love that new life as an independent student in a new environment is part of the motivation for finishing school (aside from the instrinsic love of learning that a lot of students on CC exhibit). </p>
<p>I know everyone is different, but I encouraged my daughter to choose a school that was not a "suitcase" school. Although I miss her deeply, I am glad that she is far enough away that she can't escape by coming home every weekend. By coming home too often -- especially in the first year -- students miss the opportunity to bond with other students and create rich extracurricular lives for themselves.</p>
<p>I think what you are seeing is time of year, winter break is over, fall grades are in, kids have been home unloading on parents, maximum numbers of adjustment problems and complaints are surfacing. I think we hear a lot about the happy kids, but my guess from personal experience is that about half the freshmen out there had some complaints, and at least one converstion with Mom about being unhappy, most of them will be fine, you're seeing the more extreme cases.</p>
<p>My DD is uber excited about going away, has been to camp and college summer program, all those things Jamimom was talking about, but I'm already pysched for that tearful phone call - it is coming.</p>
<p>Actually, I believe it is not at all hard to tell who will have adjustment problems. My oldest has had an issue adjusting to every change in his life. He gets past it, but you always know that there will be issues. Second child glides through life with ease. She can be happy anywhere with anyone.</p>
<p>I agree with cangel. I have been surprised by the relative lack, until very recently, of allusions to issues and problems. This all feels more normal, although of course cause for thought and concern. In most cases, as robyrm's post on the "tough going back" thread pointed out, this is normal adjustment to a major life change. Life, for most of us, is never that proverbial bowl of cherries for too long.</p>
<p>"Ambitious, intellectually independent hard workers who are really into their courses and are inspired by their profs will also adjust well to a challenging school with other bright students.
"</p>
<p>If only such a school existed....
If you are good at writing, maybe you can write a story about this fictious school.</p>
<p>I think it's a little amusing thinking back to the thread a couple of weeks ago rating how happy kids were at their respective schools. According to that, most were ecstatic! :) It seems that reality has hit and that many parents are getting a clearer picture of what it's really like. Just as I predicted to someone I was chatting with who had also read the thread. </p>
<p>I, like Jamimom, cannot, even after all these years of counselling kids, predict with very much accuracy who will and who will not adjust well. Some of the kids I've seen, like my niece who I've written mentioned here in previous threads, would have been candidates for perfect matches, having done all of the preliminary research, visiting, etc., and yet they end up hating their schools and eventually transfer. My first two Ds both had bouts of homesickness and feelings of misery in their first semesters, they both stuck it out but that was their decision. They knew that we would have supported them if they'd chosen to transfer, as my niece did. She moved to another selective school after working for a semester, and is doing wonderfully this year. So the moral of the story is, you just never know (and no it's not always kids who have had adjustment problems in h/s) and admitting a bad choice of colleges is not a crime. Too many parents I know look at it as a failure and thus, are reluctant to allow their kids to move on to something which is going to be better for them.</p>
<p>For the last three years of high school, both our daughters went to the statewide public boarding school for kids gifted in math/science. It was a steal, for <em>total</em> yearly costs of $1500/child. We felt that another advantage (apart from the primary one of education quality) was that it would make it easier for them to transition to college life.</p>
<p>In hindsight, I can say that we didn't know what the heck we were doing :-), but we lucked out. The school was an hour away from Chicago, so both daughters regularly took the train back home for weekends & music lessons - it wasn't as bad as having to wait several months before we saw them again. The kids adjusted well to life at the HS - D1 right away, D2 after the first semester. I do know that life at the HS (with all the independent decisions they had to make) helped <em>hugely</em> when they went to college - the transition went by with barely a peep.</p>
<p>I think it's worth considering for some of the kids who are having a hard time. it's also comforting to know that it ususally doesn't last more than 6 months. I'm not sure that coming home is the answer....as coming home to sit in your house (even is trying to make a transfer decision or getting mental health assistance) while all of your old friends are away at school might sink a student into a deeper depression. </p>
<p>I wonder if adjustment problem are greater for kids who went through a K-12 school. Thus, college is the first adjustment to new people, new rules, new styles of learning, new rigor, new environment, new weather - new everything. </p>
<p>Of course, we recently dealt with the loss of a student who developed a sudden onset of clinical depression after starting her first year of college -and she was brought home for help - and took her life just before Christmas. </p>
<p>I'm glad to see that this thread was created...and the others from parents asking about help for their children. As patient noted, I was surprised that we didn't hear more on this before now.</p>
<p>I was wondering when we were going to start hearing about what's really going on with all of the freshman out there. This is a time of tremendous growth and adjustment in life in general. Kids are leaving their childhoods behind and are beginning to learn to become adults. This is a time of growing pains".</p>
<p>Those who go away to college are faced with establishing a whole new social network for themselves. Some students cope with this by finding a girlfriend or boyfriend and clinging on to them. Others continue to hang out with their high school friends or the kids from their high school, even if they weren't friends. I remember going through this myself. I went home a lot of weekends my freshman year, and hung out with the only other student from my high school that went to my college. I don't think I really "adjusted" until I got to graduate school.</p>
<p>My oldest has gone far from home, and it's probably harder for me than for him. We encouraged him to "join" something at school to feel part of the community. He wasn't able to his freshman year, but his sophomore year he was able to join a club that he loves and that has made all of the difference. He's certainly adjusted better than I did in college. The other big difference is that I never talked to my parents about my "adjustment" problems, whereas my S has shared every detail with us. I think kids in general talk more to their parents than we did.</p>
<p>I look back at my own experience and will not be the least bit surprised if my daughter has adjustment issues once she goes to college. I was the last person on earth who expected to have bouts of homesickness while away at school. I had spent time away from home every summer since the age of eight, and by the time I was in high school, I was rarely home for summers. My summers were spent in the Boundary Waters of MN as a counselor for groups doing hard-core wilderness camping, so I thought the combination of comfort with being away from home and taking on new situations had me well-prepared. Hah! By the time I was six weeks into school, I was convinced I'd never have a close friend again in my life, and I was certain that everything back home was better. I was five hours by train away from home and knew I couldn't go home until Thanksgiving, which seemed an eternity...as did waiting for letters from home. </p>
<p>Two things stick out in my mind as keys in working towards an adjustment. I took my entire paycheck from a month of work on campus (I think I had earned $40!) and spent it at the grocery store on baking supplies. I spent an entire Saturday in the dorm kitchen, baking chocolate chip cookies, and making plates for people I had met, liked, and wanted to get to know better. I then spent the evening delivering the plates all over campus, with a simple note attached saying something like "I thought of you today." And since the aroma of home-baked cookies filled the entire dorm, I met a lot of new people from my dorm who came to the basement kitchen to investigate the smell...and help themselves to the extra cookies I baked (I baked 14 dozen cookies that day!)</p>
<p>The second key was that my parents came to visit for Parents' Weekend, and I realized that my parents were there for me, even if they were five hours away. They spoiled me a bit that weekend, by taking me out and buying me a new winter coat (which I hadn't asked for) and taking me out for dinner (which I did ask for). </p>
<p>Granted, my adjustment "problems" were not of the earth-shaking variety, but I did learn two things that I hope to remember when my daughter is at school. The first is that pro-active behavior works, and the second is that even a short weekend can do a world of good.</p>
<p>Kids who have been given more than they ever need and generally coddled having adjustment problems when everything does not go exactly their way?? Shocking/ like gambling in Casablanca.</p>
<p>Kids need to have some fun at college in order to adjust well. Fun is different for different people. It can be building houses for Habitate For Humanity or going to a football game or having a boyfriend or a small friend set. I could see how a shy only child may have some problems.It takes some initiative an ability to make things happen for you.</p>