<p>A favorite young skater (well, maybe stoner/skater) dude of ours recently graduated from college with a cinema/film making degree. I think he got his start making videos of skating stunts. Another great skater dude is finishing an education degree and will be a great high school teacher. Neither of these two was much for grades or EC’s in high school. French Club and Science Olympiad are not for everyone. A lot of boys are, basically, late bloomers. Best of luck.</p>
<p>If you are inclined to pursue further evaluation for LD’s, I suggest getting a referral from the disability office at the local university-they will have referrals to professionals who are used to evaluating tough cases, usually bright kids who did not get diagnosed earlier. My own son was diagnosed half way through HS and then another evaluation during his freshman year in college turned up a rare variation of a learning/processing disorder that his earlier psychologist had completely missed. This new diagnosis gave my son the information he needs to choose the type of classes he can be successful in and also explained some of his choices/preferences growing up. It is very worthwhile to be evaluated by a thorough, experienced professional.
For now, the most important thing to do is let your son know you love him and cherish his particular strengths and talents. Even if (worst case scenario) he flunks out of high school, he will be able to graduate from a good four year school later if he decides he wants to. While he does need to demonstrate a willingness to be responsible, let him pursue his own agenda as much as possible. You will fail at “making” him change and you will never be able to “make” him want to get better grades. I would offer to take him on college visits and I would sign him up for SAT’s, etc. and keep as many doors open as possible and then I would leave it up to him. Truly love the kid on the sofa… that’s what you both will remember long after he graduates from high school/college, has a job, and is enjoying his own teenage child. The mantra I adopted when I felt like you do right now, and still employ with my college aged children, is: “Honey, I believe you can accomplish anything you want to.” This is what I repeat whenever they come to me with their wacky major changes, pie in the sky dreams, and plans for the future. It’s supportive yet it places the responsibility for success squarely on their shoulders. Evaluate your behavior and emotions and try to ignore anything that is coming from fear of the future. You can see that you are not alone; many mothers have trod your path and have lived to tell the tale. Good luck!</p>
<p>“That was me in high school too. I did get into some tier 3 schools, maybe a tier 2. They were good schools and I liked them, but I went to community college to give myself more time to mature. Then I transferred to Umich. So it worked out in the end. Some people just “get it” about school being important sooner than others, unfortunately. I got a major wake up call sophomore year at CC when I’d done the bare minimum to pass Spanish 1 freshman year only to find that I’d gotten the grade but hadn’t learned anything, and had to drop Spanish 2 or fail. Then I realized that hell, I actually have to do things and learn and stuff! Crazy! I’ve been a totally different person ever since. Left CC with a 3.7, a slew of community service hours and clubs, and move to Ann Arbor in four days.”</p>
<p>Congratulations! Thanks for sharing your story!</p>
<p>BfloGal, your son and my daughter sound like twins. I am absolutely dreading the start of 10th grade next week.</p>
<p>It does sound like some sort of LD thing going on. D was tested extensively at school last year. Huge variation in subscores. Very high in verbal/non-verbal, very low in processing and some other things. Went that way on most of the tests. I pointed out the discrepancies and no one knew what to do about it, or even commented on something that seemed so obviously causing a problem. Psychiatrist, psychologist, therapists, etc etc, no one knew what to do. Having highly educated parents and high-achieving siblings exacerbate the problem. My main goal is getting her through hs and helping her further develop the non-academic passions she has.</p>
<p>I see kids who have gone to great universities, getting out, having an okay job or just-over-min-wage job or no job, and they aren’t any happier; often they didn’t even enjoy their college years. There are so many different paths.</p>
<p>Thank you, BfloGal, for starting this thread.</p>
<p>“My fear is that he will end up with mediocre grades, no ECs, and therefore no college will want him.”</p>
<p>Just to give you a little comfort – my son also was not super motivated academically in high school. I nagged a bunch – in retrospect I should have supported his new & evolving interests (rock n roll instrument & composing songs on his own rather than the band, etc.). He had interests but they didn’t fit the traditional ‘stay after school EC’ mold.</p>
<p>He’s very bright but disliked doing homework (used to not having to, for years, and still getting As – this didn’t fly w/honors precaculus in HS…).</p>
<p>End story – he studied some for the SAT, ended up doing well on the ACT & writing strong essays. He was accepted to 11 schools (some quite competitive) w/several scholarship offers of varying amounts. He literally had zero in-school ECs and his ultimate gpa was … okay.</p>
<p>So…before you try to fight nature and possibly damage your rel’p w/your son by nagging, it might be comforting to know that lack of extensive school ECs & a top flight gpa will not necessarily mean ‘no college will want him.’ </p>
<p>Guys want to start to chart their own way at 16 or so. If he’s got some interests (whatever they may be) I’d support them (we started lessons for my son on his instrument) and stay focused on building his self-esteem w/positives so he’s less likely to try to gain affirmation by appearing ‘cool’ and not reading/studying. Maybe buy some books in genres he’d like then leave them laying around (w/out saying anything).</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>BTW, my son didn’t find a significant EC until his junior year of high school. It also provided him with an important social outlet.</p>
<p>I agree with the posters about building to his strengths and embracing the son you have. All the dictatorial stuff - yanking him out of one school, putting him in another, yanking him out again to put him in another school, telling him he must read a certain amount, restricting how much tv or computer access he has - none of that recognizes his right to some self-determination. The teen years are about COLLABORATION, about how we as parents are on our kid’s sides to try to help them to have the fullest life that they can. And that involves lots of dialog and discussion about “where do you see yourself”, “what are your dreams”, “what do you enjoy indoors” “what do you enjoy outdoors” “if you could go anywhere to live, where would it be” “who could you help in life” “what is important to you” and other questions. It involves celebrating what he’s good at, and realizing that there are many paths and options in life, and that life is not, as one poster put, a competition! We should value the job choices our kids make: value the college professor, the sanitation worker, the car mechanic, the day care worker, the ballet dancer, the sous-chef, remembering that your job is not who you are. Okay, off my soapbox here. (But please, tell your kid that it is hurtful to use the word “gay” in a derogatory manner. Help him find another word to express his distaste for things!)</p>
<p>I love your post, anxiousmom… I’m sure none of these things were intended to be ‘dictatorial’, but there is so much room to help a kid decide his own direction in life, and really it’s such fun to do that.</p>
<p>Agree with anxiousmom, but you still need to yank the chain once in a while. There is a world of difference between a 15 year old and an 18 year old heading off to college. 15 and 16 are pretty critical years. You can still have great conversation with a 15-17 year old and set deadlines to be home at night, enforce “study time”, know where they are going and when they will be home, require alittle help at home and all those sorts of things and still give them freedom without being excessively overbearing.</p>
<p>I love it when we get lectured about being “dictatorial,” respecting self-determination, and valuing choices by someone who in the next breath lectures about the child’s choice of words when conveying distaste. Wake up. “Gay” isn’t a comment on anyone’s sexuality in this instance. A synonym for gay is frivolous. The boy isn’t saying “that’s so homosexual” he’s saying “that’s so frivolous (useless, unimportant, unworthy of consideration)”. Similarly, if he said “that’s queer” he means, “that’s odd” not “that’s homosexual.”</p>
<p>It’s one thing to be tolerant of another’s beliefs. It’s quite another to rewrite the dictionary because of their own personal belief that a particular word that has many meanings is hurtful.</p>
<p>No. If you ask a teen about the word “gay”, they will give the derivation as from the meaning “homosexual”, then come to mean “distasteful”, not from the older definition “happy and joyous.”</p>
<p>speihei, I think you’re the one who needs to wake up. There is no one under the age of 70 who would use “gay” to mean frivolous, because, besides the main reason, that isn’t what gay means. Unless you equate happy, lively, joyous, etc. with frivolity.</p>
<p>Gay means lame in kidspeak. (Which in our day was square.)</p>
<p>^That may be true, but as with the use of "ghetto ", I still find it offensive. My kid will debate the use of “ghetto”; I think he should think about “gay” the same way.</p>
<p>“Gay means lame in kidspeak. (Which in our day was square.)”</p>
<p>Just like “■■■■■■” means “stupid” in kidspeak, and just as is the case with that use of “■■■■■■,” using “gay” to mean lame is offensive. My gay friends – including young ones – take offense to that word’s being used to mean lame.</p>
<p>I agree BTW that it’s offensive - I wouldn’t let my kids use the word in my hearing, but they never have.</p>
<p>I am the OP and want to say that I so appreciate everyone’s comments. Some were comforting, some not, but overall it was so nice to see I am not anywhere near alone!! And that we survive…
We’ve recently had S evaluated by a psychologist who is an expert in learning disorders (or learning “style”, which is the more PC term), so in 3 days my H and I meet with her to learn the results. I so hope we get some direction too. I will post the results if anyone’s interested.</p>
<p>Thanks OP!</p>
<p>NSM;</p>
<p>After re-reading…</p>
<p>"My gay friends – including young ones – take offense to that word’s being used to mean lame. "</p>
<p>…I thought about the original meaning of the word lame…</p>
<p>Shrinkrap,</p>
<p>Good point.</p>
<p>BfloGal–good luck to you; there are many wise comments on this thread! I wish I had incorporated more of the ideas set forth by anxiousmom – collaboration, discussion of dreams, etc. – into my dialogue with my son when he was 15, 16, etc. Live and learn…</p>