My wife and I are in need of some advice. We have a college freshman who is attending school completely funded by scholarships, grants, and my veteran benefits. she chose to stay home and work full time while also taking a full time class load online. Because she chose to stay home the extra money that would have provided for her room and board was refunded to her. The first semester she used it to buy a laptop and then blew the rest on clothes and whatever else she wanted. This semester she received a 600 Covid refund that was gone in a few days and today received an $1,850 refund. We have talked to her previously about how this money should be used, however she has continued to just waste in on frivolous shopping.
I should add, we pay for her cell phone, car insurance, and all the bills in the house. The only thing she is responsible for is her own gas and any expenses she began on her own. She has her own Netflix, Spotify, and Hulu accounts.
Are we out of line in feeling like this refund money should be ours to use towards her “room and board”? I feel like if she had chose to go to school she would not have received this money because it would have paid for her room and board to attend. However since she is living at home that has fallen on us. We have talked to her and tried to lead her towards that decision, hoping she would offer on her own. Unfortunately she is proving to be rather ungrateful for what she is being given and just wants more and more.
How have you handled your students tuition refund? Any advice would be appreciated!
What a nice problem to have. Sounds like she is getting money handed to her from every possible angle.
In my opinion, it’s probably time for her to pay more of her own bills. Insurance and phone would be a good place to start. Is she going to like that? Nope. If she wants to drive and talk she’ll do it though.
She’s probably not going to just want to do the right thing. You’re going to have to push this if you want it to happen. Again, for her, it must be great to just have money being thrown at her from every direction. It’s probably time you make her pay more.
We have actively tried to convince our younger daughter to live at home when she starts college next year using her dad’s GI bill for the express purpose of saving the housing $$ for her future. She has decided she wants the full college experience, and that is her choice, but I would not be ok with her continuing to live with us without contributing and spending all that money. That could be a significant amount of money to save over four years, and I can’t even imagine my daughter spending that much. I would walk the line here- you gifted her the GI bill, so it’s hers to use how she likes, technically (and it’s not yours anymore)- but she should be required use it toward expenses first. She should be paying for her cell, insurance, and a set price that you’ve agreed upon for rent/utilities if that is something you want. It should’ve been set up front imo, but you can do it for the next semester, year, etc. She should also be contributing for food. My older daughter was home in the fall and contributed weekly from her living money. It went to food, cell phone, and my gas for driving her around to her appts/practices. She also paid for her own practice sessions and whatnot and then saved the rest.
These “refunds” might be taxable under US federal and state tax codes. Your daughter will need to check on that.
Much better if she plugs the money into her R&B expenses for the academic year.
How is she working full time AND maintaining a full course load AND finding time to shop and splurge? Sounds like she might need more of an academic challenge? I know this is off topic but thought I’d mention it . . .
I agree with the others that it’s time that she starts paying all her bills.
R&B isn’t “free” at the house either and it sounds like with a full time job, she should be able to contribute.
I agree with this . She needs to know that spending those refunds on non school expenses , she will need to likely pay taxes. make sure she has the money saved to do so,
Thank you all for your words of advice. I obviously agree with all of you that it is time for her to discover what the “real world” is like and more importantly it’s cost! I am upset that in us trying to provide for our children we have managed to raise an ungrateful and spoiled 19 yr old child. None of this has come easily to us, and we have to work hard for everything that we have provided for her and unfortunately she doesn’t see that.
As 1 point of clarification, it isn’t the GI Bill that is aiding her with school. I am a 100% disabled veteran and in Indiana that provides all of my children with 100% tuition reimbursement for any state school.
As a side note, I am happy to report that last night it was my wife that was handling all of the back and forth text conversation with her. It is nice to be approaching this as a united front rather than me having to be the bad guy all the time. It just shows that even as adults we are still capable of growth.
It is certainly possible that she will end up being taxed on the excess. She should set money aside for that possibility.
In my opinion, allowing her to spend the money while you are covering her “”non-essential” expenses is not a good idea. I think it’s really important to expect her to use the money to pay for things like phone & car insurance. And you are absolutely not out of line in expecting a financial aid refund to be paid to you as a kind of rent … because it was given to her with the expectation that it would be used to defray costs of housing.
There’s some money that might land in my account that’s not “mine” but belongs to the family. A good example for an adult would be a Covid relief payment. Same thing goes here.
I don’t think my kids would even think of that money as “theirs” But she obviously does so, you need to be direct. I would ask her for the money. It’s not fun money.
If you own a business, you can also talk about PPP payments and how they are given to companies to survive not as a personal shopping fund, for the company owners.
There is no right or wrong answer, you should do what you feel is best. If it were my child and I wasn’t paying for college at all, I would happily pay for the extra expense of her being at home. My D decided to do an internship instead of going back to school and we are letting her stay with us for free. But… she is not a frivolous spender. She did apply the refund for her dorm from spring to her dorm cost for fall. We are full pay OOS, so it’s a different situation. She is also very thankful for having all her streaming, phone and car insurance paid by us as well.
Your D has a job, so that’s great. Does she blow through that money as well? Did you set rules about her chipping in for R&B prior to her decision to stay at home? Were the scholarships merit that she earned? Will she live on campus next year?
If you didn’t set parameters this year and she is staying home next year, you should do that. Yes, you can make her pay for her phone an insurance, but I doubt that will get you gratitude. If she has a spending problem, it could just put her more in a hole. It sounds like she still has some growing up to do, but most kids do at her age.
When our adult kids were home after college, we charged them “rent.” We gave that money back to our son when he moved overseas. I have saved my daughter’s money and will put it in an IRA once she’s earned enough this year to qualify to set one up. Now she has moved into her own apartment and is discovering everything that we used to pay for!
Some people don’t have a choice except to have everyone working. Some people need to work for other reasons, some people want to work, etc. My daughter works because she’s a dancer and her contract states that in addition to rehearsing, she has to have an admin position in the studio. She wouldn’t have turned that down without someone clawing the contract from her hands. When recreational dancing was shut down in our state she was able to keep rehearsing because of that contract.
My son worked last summer, after graduating HS, as a cashier/stocker at a convenience store. I wanted him to get some job experience and earn some money, and he wanted to work also. Because of this he was able to pay for some of his expenses, start to save and have some extra fun money. I think it was good for him to experience a real job and what the work world is like. I don’t see anything wrong with students working and I have been working in-person this entire time. There are plenty of people still working keeping this going.
My daughter is working as a nanny for one family. They never leave the house. She works Monday through Thursday and earns enough to support herself.
We did offer to pay her a decent amount per hour if she would do work around the house for us. We would have charged her less rent than she’s paying now and it would have gone into her retirement fund. So we didn’t make her work. It was her choice.
I might take a step back to figure out what is really bugging you here.
Is it that she is ungrateful for the home you are providing for her during covid and that you are feeling used?
Is it her emotional distance coupled with her physical proximity?
If she’d kept the money but saved it for something else that you approved of, would this be okay?
If she’d offered you the money, would you have taken it? And if so, what would you have done with it?
I realize it’s probably not as clear cut as that, but I have found that often, when I am seething about something, it can take a little bit of effort to accurately identify the source. (My sister often has to listen to me rummage through my emotional closet as part of that process!) If your D was really looking forward to being at college this year, she probably has her own grievances about still being home.
Perhaps if you can hone in on what is eating at you, you can tackle that. If it’s taking you for granted and you make her pay, you’re exacting a price for her hurtful behavior without fixing your relationship. .
So I erased my initial response that I never sent. It was harsh on her but then I reread this. I don’t think we are getting the real story or full story here.
How and “Why” is she working full time and going to school full time if her school expenses are paid for? That is very important for me to know. Is she maintaining mostly As with some Bs? Big disconnect here. What is here Major? This is all important to know.
Did she buy or own the car she is driving? What are her actual expenses.
Here is where I am going… If she is responsible for her money and banking it with some self splurging… Sure I get that. Working full time and going to school full time especially during a pandemic with no outlets… I get that. Then she gets some fun money that’s not “hers” and wants to buy stuff. I get that.
But if she’s not responsible with money then there’s an issue.
Many here parent much different and all of our financial needs are different. I, personally wouldn’t expect /need/or want by child to pay me anything if going to school full time and working full time. She must be exhausted. As stated above… Maybe she’s not challenged enough or maybe she’s brilliant…
If you “need” the money then that is a different issue. My kids refunds came to us. I am paying for their schooling so it’s my money. They never ever questioned this. But if I am understanding correctly, she with your GI bill is paying for college. I would think she might want to hold onto that money for her next semester at college when she goes back or will she use her personal money for that? …
My daughter graduated last year. Couldn’t find a job in her field. Ending up getting a job not in her field and making a decent amount of money. We are not asking her for anything. She still has some loans to pay (come on Joe with the $10,000 rebate), but she is putting away money for her future. She’s looking to set up small investment now etc. I would never think to ask her to pay anything. We were empty nesters for 3 years and it’s a joy having her back. She’s planning on moving OOS in the summer so… We are thrilled to have her here and help guide her. She bought a used car and is paying for her insurance even though I paid for the first 6 months. But we can afford to do this.
We had our kids sit down with our banker in high school and college and talk with our broker. I understand not everyone has this. But both have credit cards for years and their rankings are over 800. Maybe not hearing it from you but someone else is the point. Our banker is on the younger side and they followed everything she told them to do. One of the best things we did.
If you “need” the financial help then ask. But I think it was stated you wanted her home. Again, I wouldn’t expect her to pay for anything if you requested it. Just for FYI - I paid water and car bills at 16 because I was working and my mother needed the help. So I have been on both sides of this issue.