So I been put on the waitlist for UC Davis and they want an 200 word paragraph of why I want to go there, but I’m not sure if its good enough. Any advices? Please help.
“UC Davis has been my top choice for college since the day I had the opportunity to tour the beautiful campus. The very first moment I stepped foot on to the campus I knew at that very moment that I wanted to be here. I felt as a sense of protection and a feeling of being home which is a enormous contrast from a dangerous impoverished inner city that I being living in my whole life, and having the chance to attend UC Davis would allow me the opportunity to experience something new. I truly appreciate how it offers many opportunities to better the environment like having a free bus program and using biodegradable materials in the cafeteria. I also find it incredible how Uc Davis is divided into four subdivisions and each one specializing in its own field so that each student is able to optimize their learning experience. In Particular the Biological Science division because it is one of the most reputable program and I feel that I could be getting one of the best educations. I would be completely honored if I could call myself an Aggie.”
Many errors. Too many to correct on here. You need an English teacher to sit with you and correct the at least two dozen grammar and usage errors I saw just skimming it. Besides that, the whole tone is unoriginal. They are going to read this same essay hundreds, if not thousands of times but better written.
I know that is harsh but given the urgency of getting this to them, you need blunt feedback.
Any college that is having you grovel is not a college to attend. Colleges compete for your money not the other way around. Look at all of the scholarships and grants they give for you to attend. What? You didn’t get that offer? Time for another school.
Funny. You are describing their college to them. Why don’t you focus on what you intend to do with your degree? How can UC Davis benefit from your graduation? What direction do you see yourself going? If you cannot answer that question, perhaps it would be good to take courses at a junior college and find out what you want to do? They will still wait for you willingly to transfer in.
you’re describing what your impression is of the college. Truly write why you really want to attend the school. Talk about how advantageous it is to go there for your major.
Sorry, I didn’t realize how old this post is. Were you rejected?
If not, I agree that the grammar and flow of your essay needs a complete revision.
Additionally, they already know what their campus has to offer, so why are you writing the same?
Tell them what you plan to do there, but do so with the help of a good writer. You have so many errors that it will definitely hinder your admission.
My dd just graduated two weeks ago from Davis with a degree in Biological Sciences. It really helped that she is/was an exceptional writer, so, do not underestimate the need for good written language skills. Written language skills, that communicate ideas well, are required for the lectures and labs.