UC essay #2 edit

<p>I plan on finally submitting my UC application later tonight or early tomorrow morning. I have edited this essay numerous times and have come to CC as a final essay check before submitting
Thanks in advanced </p>

<p>Here is the UC prompt #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or
Experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>Here is my essay:
Saturday mornings are oftentimes viewed as the best day of the week for a number of people due to many reasons; those including: sleeping in, hanging out with friends, being able to party, having no school commitments, and more. I for one look forward to Saturday because of the joy this specific day of the week brings to me. It’s the recharge I crave on a weekly basis. As a sixth year catechism teacher, it’s the day I have the opportunity to teach both first and second graders about their faith. Moreover, it’s the day that I learn the most life-altering things from my students.
My experience with these bright kids only gets better as the weeks progress because I am able to learn more and more about who these kids are. What shook me the most is the reality that I had to face, the reality that I have lost my innocence. Losing innocence in that, everything is viewed with a blemished eye. Nothing is perfect anymore. One week, on a beautiful summer day, I had allowed the kids to enjoy the day outside. One of my students brought out a bag with many attachable foam squares inside it. I was insisted by the kids to construct a box using these foam squares. As I began constructing the box, I got to a point where the foam pieces were all used. Nonetheless, this greatly amused the kids and they gleefully told me to tear the box down and build it again. I had done as they said only to be left, for the second time, with an inadequate amount of foam squares. After eight times of me constructing the box, I got irritated by the incomplete nature of the box and asked the kids if they wanted something else built. But they didn't budge; and with the same cheerful smile that they had in the beginning, they ask me to tear the box down and build it again in the same fashion as before. At that point I came to the conclusion that the kids were content with the way the box currently looked.
Growing up, it was engraved in my head that if something was incomplete, it was wrong. And at that moment when I was constructing the incomplete box, I automatically wanted to explain to the kids that a different technique could be used in order to fully complete said box. But I thankfully held myself back because it occurred to me that perfection is in the eye of the beholder. And if the way this “incomplete” box looked to the kids was perfect to them, then who am I to tell them they are wrong. What is great about life is that there isn’t a “perfect” way of achieving something; society just has a way of making it difficult to be different. With the aid of my church school students, this barrier of perfection that has held me back so often has been broken. I can finally grow as a student and as a women; and for that I am forever grateful.</p>

<p>So formal. I don’t think I see a single contraction with the word “I.” Personally, I wouldn’t want to come off as so cold. All the punctuation in the first paragraph along with the wordiness is really distracting too.</p>

<p>Thank you very much for help. Anything helps</p>

<p>@SoCal79 I don’t know if you will see this or not but it is worth a shot. I unfortunately do not fulfill the requirement in order to respond to your PM. Nonetheless, I am very grateful for your help and your very insight-full advice. You said what I needed to hear and I plan on changing the overall picture of my essay. Thank you once again :)</p>