UC essay edit

College Essays
1

<p>I have edited and edited my UC essay so many times. And I could continue to edit it until I officially go crazy lol. This essay topic is really close to my heart and I just want to do it justice. I have convinced myself to stop editing and have others read it and share their insight.
Thank you in advanced.</p>

<p>Here is the prompt to the first essay for those who dont know it:
"Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community, or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."</p>

<p>Here is my essay:</p>

<p>I made up my own imaginary father for as long as I could remember. I recall bragging to all of my friends that my dad worked as an architect, and that many of the lavish buildings and skyscrapers in town were designed by him. The truth wasn't entirely stretched per say; my father was an architect back home in Iraq, but upon his arrival to the states for a chance at a better life, he had to settle for an occupation that didn't showcase his natural talents.
I remember sitting at my Grandmother’s dinner table every weekend because my father had to work late in order to support our family. My grandmother was able to sense my undeniable dissatisfaction for my dads current career. She sat me down at the dinner table and while she served me a plate of authentic Middle Eastern cuisine, she’d tell me stories about my father that satisfied my craving more than the food I was eating. My grandmother held nothing back as she told me that my father craved education more than anyone she knew. He craved education so much that he decided to attend community college as well as work two jobs upon his arrival to the states, just so that he could get back to where he left off. What I didn't know was that my father had to quit school shortly before graduating because of my birth; he now had more mouths to feed and more responsibilities. Left without a college education, my father came to the conclusion that he wouldn't be able to continue from where he left off after all. The words of my grandmother forever echo in my head and I think about them whenever I need a push or something to motivate me. My grandmother told me that my father is no longer interested in pursuing his dreams because he knows that it would require his kids to be setback. His new dream now is to watch all of his children succeed in life and to strive for whatever gives us joy.
Looking back at it a few years down the road, I deeply regret fabricating who my father was to all of my friends because the truth of the matter is, who my dad really is, is enough to make me proud to call him my hero. I can never equally repay my father for the sacrifice he made for us, but I know that I can do him proud by achieving my dreams. Because of my father, I long to pursue a career that I know will showcase my natural talents; I aspire to mirror his dedication for knowledge with hopes that in the near future, I can look back and see my father smiling because his dream has been fulfilled.</p>

2

<p>My biggest concern with this essay is that it doesn’t describe your world. I think the definition of ‘world’ is a place or factor that affects your entire life. Talk more about how your dad’s job/situation affected your daily life. Everything else, especially the end, answered the prompt!</p>

3

<p>I think you have done a very nice job and told a very personal story about your world. Just a few suggestions.
first, the minor:

  • do not use contractions turn your didn’t into did not and so on.
  • she’d tell me stories > she told me stories
    One thing I found a bit confusing was that your dad was an achitect back home, but later found out he never finished school. </p>

<p>Lastly (and what I feel to be most important):
The last few sentences, “because of my father…” I think you should lengthen this portion, and really give the reader more of an idea of how this made you the person you are today. He worked hard for his life and that made you who you are - someone who works hard, right? you did a great job, but I think you have an excellent opportunity to talk about yourself as well.</p>

4

<p>I disagree with behappy. The UC’s will see tens of thousands of applications and Ellie has told us where she is from, her family life and a bit about her personality through a unique personal story. with some minor fixes and an addtional kick ass second prompt, I think she will be good to go.</p>

5

<p>Overall, it is a good, authentic essay, with some small grammatical mistakes. For example, in sentence 2- there is no need for a comma before the word and.
As SoCal stated, do not use contractions
And, you use the word “crave” and “craving” three times in a matter of two sentences. Perhaps change one to “yearn for” or “hunger for”
I might also suggest changing “authentic Middle eastern cuisine” to an actual food that is clearly Middle eastern.
good luck…</p>

6

<p>Thank you everyone for all of the help, as well as all of the input. SoCal79, you are like my guardian angel lol. As for the point you made about being confused that my dad was an architect back home but yet not finishing school…once he moved to the states, any type of degree earned back in the Middle East is worthless so he started over and went to school but had to quit that. Having said that, I can see how you got confused and I will elaborate a bit on that in my essay.</p>