UC essay prompt #1 help

College Essays
1

<p>So, heres my essay. Please tell me what you think, i need all the help i can get. Still going through drafts and first couple of sentences are terrible in my opinion. Other essay is a lot longer. Thanks for all the help. </p>

<p>Prompt #1</p>

<p>Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations</p>

<p>Family is the most significant thing in shaping peoples lives and greatly influences are ideas and actions. My family for example has shaped me into a unique person with a background that only I can say is truly mine.
Both of my parents are immigrants to the United States. My dad came from Venezuela when he was 17 with little money, no family and unable to speak English. With what he was given, he was able to learn English, find jobs, and eventually graduate from San Francisco State University. This thirst for education and sense of dedications has also been instilled in me from my father. His struggle to get an education has made me grateful for mine and has made me take every challenge head on, whether it is an AP class or in sports. Whenever I feel like something is too hard or does not make sense I keep pushing through because I believe that I am obligated to try my hardest. I look to him for inspiration on how to strive for more when many are content with the minimum.
My mother emigrated from El Salvador as a refugee from the Civil War between the leftist FMLN and the American backed military government. Many of my family members risked their lives and fought along side with farmers and civilians of El Salvador against the injustice being imposed on the people by the government. My family’s passion for justice in the face of oppression has also been instilled in me. I attend rallies for immigration reform, equal rights, and peace. I wish to one day prove to my family that their sacrifice in war has given me the tools I need to lead a compassionate life.</p>

2

<p>I think the problem with the first two sentences is how general they are. They’ve got nothing to do with you-- they could be from anyone’s essay.</p>

<p>I think you need more specific examples-- you tell us a lot about what you do without providing any support so that we believe you.</p>

<p>Also, remember that the prompt is asking “how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations”. You’ve said what qualities it’s given you, but a nice additional paragraph would be looking forwards to the future. I think you need something like that to fully address the prompt.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>I think it’s pretty well written. If it were me, I’d focus more on the last paragraph. “My father taught me to try as hard as I can” is pretty cliched. I would expand on how your mother has inspired you. How have you followed your “passion for justice”? What does “leading a compassionate life” mean to you?</p>

4

<p>care to read my second prompt? ill pm it to you if you want</p>