UC Personal Statement (Both Prompts)

College Essays
1

<p>Prompt #1: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Please do give me tips on how to make my essay much better and stronger.</p>

<p>In sixteen years of my life, I have lived through difficult obstacles, but I have overcome these obstacles. Being an only child, considering as a middle class family who came from the Philippines, I had everything in life that I could wish for, but a happy, complete family. I lived through many challenges without my father. I have never seen him; he passed away seven months before I was born. My mother barely has time for herself, for me as well. She has to work every day just to support me. I have no idea how I survived this kind of environment at such a young age. I learned to discipline myself in this kind of environment; having no one to talk to, no brothers, no sisters, or parents. Even though my mother has no time for herself or for me, she’s still there being a real mother who would do anything for her child. She pushed me to the limit in everyday life and situations where I almost gave up; however, being raised this way made me realize that giving up will never give me any good results in life. She pushed me in every perspective, especially in education. She said that education is the only thing that I will have and that no one can ever steal it from me. Also, this is the reason why I’m going to graduate early, as well.</p>

<p>However, my mother met my step-father three years ago, which is the main reason how we got here in the United States. Since we came here, my mother had time for me unlike in the past years we went through. I managed to adjust in this new, very different environment by myself. I managed to learn their language, especially the slang words, it was hard and I wouldn’t talk to most of the people because of this reason. This experience made me weak in some areas of my life, but I ended up pulling up through because I was raised as a strong and disciplined person. It made my communication skill weaker than ever, so is my confidence. This experience will be my virtue in the long run.</p>

<p>Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>Despite the entire hard obstacles I have had in life, I managed to grow up disciplined, and independent. I have always loved math and art and I know that I’m good at these perspectives, which will lead me to great success. Though, I got a C in Pre-Calculus for the first semester, but it is because I skipped Algebra II. I had some struggle with it, but I did it and passed it. This will help me fulfill my dream, which is to become as an architect and/or civil engineer. However, my mother wanted me to become a registered nurse, so I thought that biology would be a great minor. She said that being a nurse would be the best life experience ever, and that nurses gets paid a lot. I love helping people and giving them care that I didn’t get when I was a child, so I do believe that I will love being a volunteer nurse to either babies or senior citizens.
One of the biggest accomplishment that I had is that I lived through hard obstacles with just myself; solving things by myself, and that I am a disciplined kid without having that much adult supervision. I have overcome all of these hard obstacles, from emotional to physical obstacles. Another accomplishment that I had is that I skipped a grade here in the United States and that I am going to graduate a year earlier than most of the seniors. I have my transcript from my old school from the Philippines that got transferred to my transcript here in the United States; it was hard to study back in my old school, I got straight B’s and some A’s. There were everyday quizzes, weekly tests, and we have four quarters which means there would be four finals. However, having these kinds of accomplishments has its own bad sides; my GPA went down, so did my rank in my current school here in the United States. Also, I am supposed to be a college student this year, but my transcript and other paperwork got delayed. Although I prefer to be a college student this year, I think that staying another year in high school wouldn’t hurt my life; I will be too young to get into college, besides I didn’t know what I want to major in last year. I think that this would be the best route for my future. I do believe that graduating at a young age and work, in the long run, is the best thing to do; many opportunities will, for sure, come to me.</p>

<p>Thank you! :D</p>

2

<p>PROMPT ONE</p>

<p>In sixteen years of my life, I have lived through difficult obstacles, but I have overcome these obstacles.</p>

<p>-Well, you just spoiled the ending right there. This is a strong theme to your essay—something every literature teacher will tell you is not supposed to be directly stated. Open with something more interesting that leaves the reader wondering what this essay will turn into instead of outright telling them. (My main common app essay, on the failure prompt, started with an opener about how I often leave my room messy.) Also: you should place a “the” between “in” and “sixteen.”</p>

<p>Being an only child, considering as a middle class family who came from the Philippines, I had everything in life that I could wish for, but a happy, complete family.</p>

<p>-This sentence really doesn’t make much sense at all. For starters, read it out loud with pauses for every comma. Sounds weird, right? Your mid sentence modifier should be separated by commas, as should your break between adjectives describing (what was not) your family. There is no room for a comma between “for” and “but,” it only splices the sentence. As for your mid sentence modifier, it should be thrown out. I would replace the clause with: “Being an only child from a middle class Filipino family, I had…”</p>

<p>I lived through many challenges without my father. I have never seen him; he passed away seven months before I was born. My mother barely has time for herself, for me as well. She has to work every day just to support me.</p>

<p>-“I lived through,” while being in correct tense, is awkwardly phrased as it suggests that your father has now returned and you are no longer living through it. “I have lived through” is better. Same with “I have never seen him”—it suggests that there is still a possibility. “I never got to see him” works better. “For me as well” makes absolutely no sense when trying to modify the former clause. Replace with “let alone any for me.” The sentence that follows doesn’t really fit in right with the tone, it seems almost spiteful when it comes after the previous sentence. Her hardship is also implied, so I would consider omitting the sentence entirely.</p>

<p>I learned to discipline myself in this kind of environment; having no one to talk to, no brothers, no sisters, or parents.</p>

<p>-A semicolon is inappropriate here as its point is to separate clauses that could be complete sentences on their own yet relate to each other. “having no one to talk to, no brothers, no sisters, or parents” is not alone an independent clause. Also, your parallel structure is interrupted by switching the three-times-used “no” to “or” which makes your structure choppy and uneven. Change this to “I had no one to talk to, no brothers, no sisters, no parents.” Then your semicolon and use of parallel structure become appropriate.</p>

<p>Even though my mother has no time for herself or for me, she’s still there being a real mother who would do anything for her child.</p>

<p>-This stresses a point just made in a previous statement after being interrupted by something entirely different. Its placement makes no sense. That said, it isn’t really necessary anyways, so I would just omit it entirely.</p>

<p>She pushed me to the limit in everyday life and situations where I almost gave up; however, being raised this way made me realize that giving up will never give me any good results in life.</p>

<p>-“However” is used to open up for a contrasting statement. The statement made is the effect of the previous clause, not a contrast to it. A more appropriate word would be “consequently;” however, (see what I did there?) you should be explaining how you learned through being raised that way that giving up didn’t give you good results instead of just telling us that it did without saying why.</p>

<p>She pushed me in every perspective, especially in education. She said that education is the only thing that I will have and that no one can ever steal it from me. Also, this is the reason why I’m going to graduate early, as well.</p>

<p>-No place for the “in” between “especially” and “education.” Saying that “education is the only thing you will have” seems to me to be deprecating. To fix this, remove the “and” between “have” and “that” so it becomes one running thought. “Also” and “as well” have no place in the next clause because they are adding words stuck on something explained by the previous clause. In this case, you do not require either word, so stick with “This is why I’m going to graduate early.”</p>

<p>However, my mother met my step-father three years ago, which is the main reason how we got here in the United States.</p>

<p>-Again: however is meant to contrast something. Your mother meeting your stepfather (which has no hyphen) is not the opposite of you graduating early. You don’t need both “the main reason” and “how” in the next part of the sentence, only one or the other.</p>

<p>Since we came here, my mother had time for me unlike in the past years we went through.</p>

<p>-This tense includes the present as defined by the opening word “since,” so it is inappropriate to say “had time” without the word “has” in front of “had.” “Unlike in the past years we went through” is awkward, I would replace with “unlike during the years we spent in the Philippines.”</p>

<p>I managed to adjust in this new, very different environment by myself.</p>

<p>-Omit “very.” You just got done talking about how you then had a new stepfather and your mother had time for you, so how was it by yourself? Consider omitting or rephrasing “by myself.”</p>

<p>I managed to learn their language, especially the slang words, it was hard and I wouldn’t talk to most of the people because of this reason.</p>

<p>-Repetitive use of “I managed” that does not support parallel structure. Who is “their?” It only seems to modify your mother and stepfather, and it clearly isn’t “their” language. Replace “their language” with “the language” or “english.” There should be a full stop (period) after “slang words” as after that begins an independent clause. That clause in question should be changed to: “It was hard—I wouldn’t even talk to most people.”</p>

<p>This experience made me weak in some areas of my life, but I ended up pulling up through because I was raised as a strong and disciplined person.</p>

<p>-How has it made you weak? You need to explain things, not just say things. Omit “up.” Were you not just saying in paragraph one how you practically raised yourself to be disciplined, or am I missing something? Consider rephrasing. </p>

<p>It made my communication skill weaker than ever, so is my confidence. This experience will be my virtue in the long run.</p>

<p>-Change the first sentence to “It made both my communications skills and my confidence weaker than ever.” Though, I’m not sure why that’s how it is. Your supposed to be telling colleges how you’ve grown, so why is it a virtue to have become weaker? This is the opposite of what you should be putting in an essay.</p>

<p>_______________________________________________________________</p>

<p>Overall thoughts: This essay was presented without a clear point to it and is a jumbled mess of ideas and unexplained suggestions of hardship. You clearly made an attempt to be emotionally moving but left out any means of which to organize this essay and therefore leaving it as nearly incomprehensible and ineffective. I would consider scrapping it and redoing the essay on a specific topic instead of your abbreviated life story.</p>

<p>On the ACT/SAT 12-Point scoring scale, I give prompt one a 2/12.</p>

<p>I will get to prompt two tomorrow, I’m going to bed now. Took me a good hour to do this one.</p>

3

<p>I just got through the first few sentences and there were so many grammatical errors, errors of syntax, etc., that it was not worth writing it all down (I am not as nice as Dixie39). You need to find a teacher that will sit down with you and go over this essay very carefully. If you are going to be ready for the type of writing required at a UC, you will have to improve greatly on this attempt. Good luck with your application.</p>

4

<p>Thank you very much! I just actually wrote this for like an hour because the rough draft is due tomorrow and I haven’t reread it. I still have a lot of things going so I just can’t focus into one thing. I will make sure to rewrite this with better syntax.</p>

5

<p>I am so sorry. I just have a lot of projects and homeworks that are due tomorrow. This thing took me for like an hour and I haven’t reread it. I barely noticed these errors.</p>

6

<p>agree with dixie (Y)</p>