UC Personal Statement help!!! Please please please if you can give feedback do so!

<p>Personal Statement Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from -- for example, your family, community or school -- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>In the middle of my sophomore year to the middle of my junior year, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. I stressed out easily and had constant anxiety attacks; I let the issues at home affect myself, my social life, and my school work. My grades dropped to about a C average and being an honor/AP student, that is not something you are proud of. I never thought I could bring my grades back up. I had almost given up on my six year goal of being the first in my family to attend a university and graduate. Around second semester of my junior year, I met a friend that opened my eyes. He reminded me of how strong of a woman I am and of whom I was in the past. I started to realize once again that I shape the world around me, no one else. And I had an epiphany that problems at home shouldn’t affect my future.
For the past ten years, nine people have lived at home with me: my parents, my three older sisters, and my three younger nephews. My parents never really were involved in our lives or our education. Because of the disconnection from my parents and I, I never really felt comfortable talking to them about my social life or my education. Since I was in elementary school, my number one goal was to further my education and be the first to accomplish graduating from a four year university. Since there is so much hustle and bustle at home, my parents almost never have time to sit down and talk. This made me think that I needed to be dependent on my own.
I developed a strong sense of self-motivation that has allowed me to push through high school, and social and family issues. I still have some gratitude for my family. The way I view it, if I did have support, I most likely wouldn’t want to extend my education at all. Even though I think in such an independent way, I’m still a young, naïve teenager. Since realizing that I need to focus on my life and future, my grades are so much better and I continue to succeed in everything I do. I went from a 3.1 GPA to a 3.7 and I got involved in my high school band’s leadership for two years. If I don’t put 100% into everything I do, why should I bother doing it? No matter how much we have gone through, I still show gratitude towards my family. You have friends that are there for a while, but your family will never leave you. I am blessed to have such a strong heart. I always remind my friends to be grateful for what they have, to show gratitude and love towards their families and to thank them for everything they have done. The reason I do so is because I am unfortunate enough to not have as much support and love at home as most of my peers do. All I have is my self-motivation to keep pushing me through and succeeding at life. </p>

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<p>(I havent had this one looked at yet.)</p>

<p>Personal Statement Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>The first day of band camp my freshman year four years ago, I was not the same person I am today. I sat in the background of the band and observed. I watched the drum major call us to attention and have so much influence on the band. I thought “I want to be just like her someday.” Being forced to interact with the rest of the band, eventually throughout the year my introvert mind had become extroverted. I was giving my all and hoping the other freshman would want to do as well as I was. My band director and the student leadership choose a student of the week whom they think is doing an excellent job. I was the first person and freshman that year to be chosen as “Condor of the Week.” I was so proud of myself for doing my best, but I wondered who had nominated me. I asked around and it ended up being the drum major whom inspired me to want to be a leader in the near future. I was so shocked when I had asked her why she had chosen me and she replied with “I see something in you that I don’t see in any other freshman so far. You give 100% in what you do, and I believe you can lead the band one day.” I was pleased to hear such an answer from her. At the end of the year, my band director holds interviews for people who want to join leadership. Being the only incoming sophomore who wanted to be a part of leadership, I had run for secretary. Once he made the decisions, I was so nervous to look at the list of next year’s leadership. I scanned the paper and saw my name on the list. That has to be one of the proudest moments of my life. The next year I made my goal to inspire at least one person to want to join leadership and do the same as I. Things happened over the year and I chose not to be a part of leadership again my junior year. But as I realized that I can’t let things bother me and I have to do what’s best for the band as a leader, I decided once more to run for leadership for my last and final year. For the second year, I am apart of leadership as the historian. Every practice I hope to inspire the underclassmen to do their best and to want to make the band better. I want to do the same as the drum major did for me my freshman year for someone this year: inspire and influence.</p>

<p>Constructive criticism is encouraged! Thanks!</p>