UC Personal Statement Help Revision!

College Essays
1

<p>Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>My preferred maximum is 500 words and I have 660. If you can give me any revisions, edits, cut outs, or comments, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!</p>

<p>Here's my essay:</p>

<p>September 16, 2011 was just an ordinary Saturday afternoon, or so I thought. I was in the car with my mother, accompanying her to a doctor’s appointment. Moments later, after an awkward car ride, we arrived at the clinic. Entering the waiting room, all was silent until my mother eagerly stated, “You should meet my doctor! She’s really nice.” I wondered, why the short random suggestions? However, I dismissed the thought from my head and followed her down the hall into the doctor’s office, expecting to see a patient’s bed and assorted medical equipment. Instead I saw a desk with two chairs in front of it. Behind, I heard my mother close the door as I entered and introduced myself to the doctor. She responded enthusiastically, “Hello Kershaun, I’m your mother’s psychiatrist. It’s nice to finally meet you.” I found myself finally questioning what this was all about. The psychiatrist advised us both to take a seat. My heart began pounding louder than a drum, my palms drenched in sweat. I sat down. That’s when my mom took me by the hands, glanced at her doctor for reassurance, and said, “Son–” she hesitated, “I have to go. I can’t live here with your father anymore.”</p>

<pre><code>And just like that, a few weeks later, my mother left. Instantly, our family income was cut in half, and my mother claimed about half my father’s pension. Thus, my father was in need of not only a job, but also of an additional job to make ends meet. Moreover, due to low income we were forced to move to a new home. Stress came flooding through the once joyful home and created an empty, quiet, and tense household as my father struggled to fight for a job, the lawyer regarding divorce agreements, and depression. All at the same time, I struggled to console my father while remaining academically sound and fighting depression myself.
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<p>Luckily, my father was eventually able to obtain two jobs. However, that also meant I was barely able to see him. I was forced to find my own means of transportation. Stationed in Japan as a dependent of U.S. Navy, it was already difficult enough to get around unless you spoke Japanese – but I didn’t. So to adapt, I figured out the train system. I began taking the train to school and back everyday. I took on all the responsibilities at home including all the housework and caring for my dog to make my father’s life easier, all while doing my schoolwork. After all was said and done, my father would come home just in time for me to hear the door unlock as I slowly fell asleep in bed. This happened daily. </p>

<p>Eventually, however, we didn’t even have enough money or time to support our dog. So I made a hard decision – I had to let my dog go. After a long process of quarantine, my father bought me a plane ticket, I packed my bags, and I was off to a different country, alone for the first time. I experienced all the obstacles of solo flight, layovers, security, and even hours of quarantine checkpoints – all just to say goodbye to the only friend I had at home.</p>

<p>Through it all, I was able to maintain a positive attitude for my father and my peers through my optimistic character. My independency and maturity has served me to overcome these difficult tasks when nobody was around to help me. As a hard-working individual, my determination allowed me to strive through my academics, maintaining a 4.0 GPA and becoming the commanding officer of my NJROTC unit. Nobody ever knew of my misfortunes. However, I do not look back at these misfortunes with sorrow – in fact, the opposite. Though my upbringing was difficult and often heart wrenching, served to shape me into the young man I am today, and for that I am thankful. After all, smooth seas don't make skillful sailors.</p>

2

<p>The first sentence is not particularly interesting or attention grabbing. And I think it has a lot of detail explaining something that could be explained into much fewer sentences, enabling you to add more as to how this experience relates to the person that you are. </p>

<p>My edit of the second paragraph: And just like that, a few weeks later, my mother left. Instantly, our family income was cut in half. Thus, my father was in need of not only a job, but also of an additional job to make ends meet. We were forced to move to a new home. Stress came flooding through the once joyful home and created an empty, quiet, and tense household as my father struggled to find a job, settle the divorce agreements and fight depression. All at the same time, I struggled to console my father while remaining academically sound and fighting depression myself.</p>

<p>I think you should have focused the essay on how you became commanding officer of NJROTC and dealt with the divorce rather than the divorce being the main focus of the essay- it would have been much more interesting and unique. But overall, this is still a good essay. The part about quarantining the dog is a little wordy and you could have done without it. A couple sentences explaining the situation would be sufficient.</p>