UC Personal Statement Prompt 1

<p>Hi, this is my first go at this thing so please help me!</p>

<pre><code>Every day, in and out, was spent in the same house. Never once did I have a permanent change in residence, not once did I have a change in scenery. I quickly learned to navigate a large area around my house like I would navigate through a maze… the 5th time. It was so boring, I itched for change; I was never once satisfied while living in the same rundown house, with the same people, and the same pets every single day. Throughout my life I’ve always wanted to get out, to be free of the pressures my parents put on me, and just do stuff my own way. To organize my stuff however I liked rather than however my mother thought looked better. I’ve been longing for the independence known only to adults, and I’ve found a way out at last; this escape is best known as college.
Early on in my life, I understood the value of college; it allows one to adjust to living alone, without the assistance of one’s parents, while still having their support. It’s similar to a walker for a toddler; it’s there, but the toddler still stands on its own. It’s been my goal since I found out about college, to get away. I’ve always functioned better alone; my mothers “Assistance,” did naught but hinder my progress. My projects have always come out better without constant harassment from my parents. But in the end, there are no shortcuts; I had to go through high school and learn what was required.
Going into high school, I had heard about the increasing competitiveness of college-bound students. I decided then and there that I would take the most rigorous classes available. After my first taste of “Accelerated,” courses, I was sickened. They were all pathetically easy; rote memorization, minimal comprehension, and massive amounts of repetition. My sophomore year I signed up for AP World History. It was here that my will was tested for the first time; every class there was a quiz on the assigned reading, and every Friday was an AP exam style test, complete with essay and all. I struggled with the class, but I enjoyed every minute of it. Every day I exited the classroom proud that I understood the lectures. Throughout the final days before the actual AP exam, I was tired from studying, so I stopped cramming about two days before the test. It was the best decision I’d ever made; I went into the test feeling great, knowing that I’d reviewed everything that I needed to review. I was even more excited when I was through with it. When I got my results I was almost jumping for joy. I’d amazed myself as well as my family; I’d pulled off the passing grade.
My desire for independence is supplemented by my successes in school; I know that I can succeed when I get away. I’m proud to say now that my dream is becoming a reality; I’ve sought it for a long time now, this is my chance to be free and I’m going to go after it in full stride.
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<p>Overall, it seems that your personal statement gets better as you read along. Generally, you want to be careful with your grammar. For example: “…house, with the same people, and the same pets every single day”. You want to keep this parallel, so you would probably want to say “…house, with the same people and with the same pets every single day”. Also, you might want to tread lightly when using the word “one”, when referring to some entity. The word distances your reader from you and makes the statement seem less personal.</p>

<p>The sentence: “I quickly learned to navigate a large area around my house like I would navigate through a maze… the 5th time.” seems confusing. You definitely should clarify what you mean by the “5th time”. You have an interesting idea, but your prose needs to be refined a bit. For example, you use words such as “boring” and “stuff”. Since this is a rather formal statement, you probably need more sophisticated diction and you probably want to get rid of contractions.</p>

<p>Your concluding paragraph is good- it ties together the entire statement.</p>

<p>I don’t want to be a downer but I see two major flaws in your essay. First you don’t ever want to talk about wanting to go to college just because you don’t want to live at home anymore. Second, you should try to avoid talking about academics in your personal statements and give the reader more of a taste of who you really are and I really don’t see that in the cliche “I persevered through hard class xyz.”</p>