<p>Can you critique my essay? It would be very appreciated. </p>
<p>Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is
important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does
it relate to the person you are?</p>
<pre><code>I was a junior in high school with a tangled mind. The scenario was, my old high school's principal office with my dad and a police man. The police man kept patronizing me because I had good grades in my Folklorico class and music classes but not in in my AP classes. My dad's face revealed his satisfaction and preoccupation. They were trying to convince me that I could not grow to be a musician because I would starve to death. Early in age, my dad decided to not finish high school, and having divorced my mother a few years back his exasperation was growing each day towards me and my future. Tears started to flow down my cheeks, tears of humiliation and angriness. I did not say a word because I felt I did not had a good answer for them.
Not so long ago, I reached a tipping point in my life. I did not feel good with what I had accomplish in school, nor in life. With so many things in my mind I was not ending in any conclusion so I decided to travel. About a year ago I decided to grab my guitar and travel Mexico without a plan and without money. I decided to travel with a group of people I barely knew. I did not was a guitar genius, but I knew some songs. I had never played for an audience before on my own but I wanted to live by myself. To grow by myself. In home, even thought I have not live with my father since I was sixteen, he always had the final saying in my decisions because he was the one that supported me financially. Before that trip, I convinced my self that I could not live in fear because of other people's fears. That I had to live my dream in order to be happy. I have been always convinced that I am a smart person, and a lot of people had told me that, so I controlled all my fears and led my self go with the flow.
I met people from all around the globe. The greatest musicians taught me about humbleness, and attitude. One does not have to be the greatest but must be willing to advance more and keep growing. I started practicing each day with the guitar. I learned how to knit bracelets and collars, and to juggle the fire stick. I learned that having another person that critiques you and practices with you makes you learn even more faster something that I did not get used to back in school. Even tough I was not traveling teacher, I started to learn in my own from watching other people. I started jamming in the streets because it filled me with energy and happiness. I organized some friends to juggle with a fire stick as I was playing the guitar and another friend the yembe. We kept doing that as we were traveling and that is how I travelled Mexico for 6 months with no money in my bank account.
I came back home because of my eagerness to return to school. Even if I was earning money and admiring unbelievable landscapes, I have been always convinced that education is a self enrichment process that cultivates people into more capable individuals. From my voyage I learned that anything I can accomplish anything if that is what I want. That I do not have to fear to be wrong. That I am proud of who I am, and even if I do not know anything, I can learn everything. That if I believe on what I am doing then I am not wrong even if some one else tells me that I am. I also learned that I am an artist as I can practice, I can demonstrate and create art in a variety of forms.
</code></pre>
<p>Dude… When did you start writing this thing? Today? Many grammatical errors, the flow is a little weird, and those opening sentences are just… bad.</p>
<p>Someone else reading this thread who hasn’t done their second personal statement yet is going to steal yours, and both your and his/her application will be thrown out.</p>
<p>^Lol I hope not… This essay is pretty bad. Again, I am not trying to be mean, but this looks rushed, not edited at all, and just lacks any sense of ‘flow’.</p>
<p>Greciadlc, first go over and edit the entire essay so it is grammatically correct at least. Then, I would expand more on your vision of your dream-what it truly meant for you to travel around those 6 months. From what I got, your six months in Mexico was just a feat of how you survived without money from your dad. You need expand on how you are different after going through this ordeal. You also need to emphasize your character traits that helped you work your way through your problems with your father. In your conclusion, be sure to mention something about what you might want to do for the world/in the future/on UC campuses. I like your story in the first paragraph about the principal’s office, but you need to link it more into how you have developed as well-your father was happy that the policeman was trying to talk you out of being a musician? Well you should mention how you proved them wrong or that even though you have formed your opinion, you realize that education is also equally important to your dreams-link those ideas together. Hopefully you get what I am saying. I don’t think this essay is “bad” rather it just needs to be grammatically correct for anyone to be able to assess it easily. Definitely work on the grammar now that you have your ideas out though! Ask a teacher to help you fix your grammar if you need someone to help you with that! Best of luck :)</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else. Definitely change your opening line, it is cheesy. Correct all of your grammar mistakes as they are very distracting. Also, the end paragraph reads like lines from a self-help book. Your story is a good one, try have your essay match it. </p>
<p>Oh, and don’t post your essay on the internet :)</p>
<p>This essay is so cliche. I’d be embarrassed to be the name connected to it. I rushed my essay and it’s meh, but at least it wasn’t cringe-worthy like this lmao.</p>
<p>Your first paragraph is the one that needs most improvement. The structure is confusing. I had to reread the first paragraph to understand.
You did not answer the whole prompt. You did not address how this quality/experiment relates to the person you are.</p>
<p>Get native speaking friends to help correct this ASAP!!!. After fixing up the grammar it might stand a chance. Get as many ppl as you can find to read and edit then turn in your UC app later this evening. TODAY’S THE LAST DAY!!</p>
<p>Good lord, not to grill you but I have to say, I think that you know you’re not the best at writing. Knowing this you should’ve started on the prompts weeks ago. This has last minute stamped all over it and I don’t think you’ll get much sympathy for not being a native speaker because the flaws in this essay are things that can be assuaged by a proper writing and editing process.</p>
<p>Your intro needs a major overhaul, fix all the grammatical errors (There are many, just because MS Word doesn’t underline it doesn’t mean it’s right), and get someone well versed with English to help you. Beyond that, I feel that you have an interesting story. You have about 16 and a half hours from this post to get this straightened out and I would imagine you have yet to write your other prompt or it is still in a rough form.</p>
<p>Don’t be disheartened by the criticisms, choose to improve from them instead of feeling defeated, we all have our weaknesses. I wish you the best of luck with your application.</p>